Hello, class. My name is Mrs. McManus and I’ll be your substitute Grey’s Anatomy recapper while Ms. machine is traveling the world. Open your text books to Season 7 entitled “With You I’m Born Again” aka “What the F–k Happened Last Season?”
Season 7 begins with Meredith’s voice stating statistics on regenerative cells, footage of floating clouds and Derek racing down the highway in a black Porsche cayenne SUV. (Personally, I prefer the Porsche 911 turbo coupe.)
The clouds return and through them we see Dr. Bailey on a plane with her son, traveling back to Seattle. Bailey tells the elderly woman sitting next to her that she went home to see her family for a month. (An entire month! I can’t visit my family for an entire weekend.)
At Seattle Grace Hospital, Richard is surveying the hallways as Meredith sits with a hospital psychiatrist explaining how she’s been cooping since the traumatic events of the Season 6 finale. If you missed last season’s two hour-long, jaw-dropping finale, go watch it immediately or read bad machine’s deluxe recap here. To get you up to speed: the husband of a deceased patient terrorized the hospital, killing 11 people and wounding 18 more, including Derek and Alex.
Meredith tells the psychiatrist that she’s been greatly affected by the shooting but wants to return to work. (Meredith is coping better than I am, because I’m a wreck just typing this recap.)
Meredith explains to the psychiatrist, the new “attractive” male cast member (let’s just give him a name now, how about McBeardy?), that she is bored just sitting at home and is worried about Cristina’s upcoming wedding to Owen.
McBeardy: You watched your husband get shot.
Meredith: He’s fine. He’s coming back to work today.
Just then, Meredith has a flashback to the day of Derek’s shooting. Meredith snaps out of her trance and says, “We’re all fine.” Then her beeper goes off and she gives it a knowing look.
Meredith might be “fine” but Derek’s not, because he has been arrested and is in jail, diagnosing the injuries of the other inmates. Wait, does that mean if I ever go to jail I’ll have to perform a comedy set?
Meredith approaches the prison bars and says, “Again, Derek?”
Back at Seattle Grace Hospital, the token lesbian couple stare awkwardly at one another.
Arizona: What?
Callie: Nothing. You’re awesome.
That brilliant line of dialogue deserves its own Emmy.
A large crowd of doctors and interns have gathered around the nursing station and are chattering about their summer vacation traumatic leave of absence. Bailey checks in with Richard and learns that she needs to be cleared for surgery by McBeardy.
One hallway away, Meredith and Derek emerge from the elevator bickering about his latest run-in with the police. Derek is not only the Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace but he’s also the King of Reckless Endangerment.
Cristina joins the Shepard parade down the hallway and flips through a wedding magazine.
Cristina says, “I’m not wearing white! It’s sexist, and vaguely racist.” (I totally get it Cristina and that’s why I wore red to my wedding.)
Professional tag-along, Dr. April Kepner, shows up for the parade down the hallway and hands Derek an x-ray. Seriously, how wide are these hallways?
April says she’s been cleared for surgery and Meredith reacts by calling her a “bitch.” (Is that allowed? Shouldn’t Meredith be disbarred or be given a time-out for swearing at a co-worker?)
The parade ends and Derek walks into the crowd of doctors, who all burst into applause. Derek climbs the stairs and addresses the crowd. He thanks them for being supportive through his recovery, thanks Richard for stepping in as the temporary Chief of surgery during his absence and he tells everyone how great it is to be back as Chief. Then Derek pauses and says he hates being Chief.
Derek looks to Richard and says, “Chief Weber is the Chief” and “I quit.”
With that, Derek walks down the stairs and slips out of the room and onto his imaginary Southwest Airlines inflatable slide.
Finally, the surgeons start tending to their patients. Is this a hospital or what? Derek, McSteamy, Callie, Meredith and April all gather around an X-ray of a teenage boy’s brain and point at a large tumor. Obviously, the only logical way to remove the tumor is to break the kid’s jaw, split his face in half and vacuum it out. (I made up the vacuum part). Callie and McSteamy agree to the extreme surgery and exit the room to clear their schedules. (I really hope this kid gets a second opinion.)
It’s Lexi’s turn in to meet with the McBeardy. (Is it just me, or does Lexi’s hair get longer and darker every episode?) Lexi tells McBeardy that she’s read a lot about trauma (yeah, yeah and I’ve read a lot about Zen and I’m not f–king Zen-like, am I?)
Lexi flashes back to the day of the shootings. She sees the gunman aim his gun. Then Lexi jumps to a different flashback where she is in a mandatory meeting with all the doctors who were a part of the shooting. They all sit in silence, refusing to discuss and relive the traumatic event. Cristina avoids the topic altogether by going into extensive detail about a delicious taco that she ate. (I’m not even going there … )
Lexi interrupts the nonsensical, albeit sensual, taco story and announces to the group that she read a book about mass killings. The book defined their experienced as a mass murder which is defined as killings by one person, in one location with more than four deaths. (Grey’s Anatomy just taught me something new. I love learning!)
Lexi is back in present time and McBeardy reminds her of her recent breakdown at the hospital. Lexi flashes back again (when did Grey’s turn into Quantum Leap?) and screams at a patient that if she wants to die, using a gun would be the most efficient way. McSteamy takes Lexi to the psych ward. But don’t worry it’s been a few weeks, so Lexi is fine now. Just a little sleep and she’s ready to cut people open again … gulp. I’m so glad that I’m not a fictitious sick person living in the Seattle area.
Owen sees Derek in the hallway and asks him to be his best man at his wedding. Doesn’t Owen have any family or friends he can ask instead? I guess it doesn’t matter because Derek says, yes.
A choked up Bailey tells McBeardy that the day of the shooting was the worst day of her life. Bailey flashes back to a month earlier, when she was loading up a taxi and telling her ex-husband that she’s taking their son to visit her mother and not sure when she’s coming back. Someone should call Social Services because I believe Bailey just kidnapped her own son.
Back in present time, tumor boy’s mother objects to her son’s extreme surgery. (I object too!) Then two second later she agrees to it. (That’s it? No second opinion?) Meredith turns to Derek and says, “Driving awful fast Doctor Shepard. At least you could do is wear a seat belt!” Aww … snap!
Alex sits down with McBeardy and brags that he has a bullet in his chest and says that chicks love that. Really? I prefer flowers. Alex says Lexi is no longer his girlfriend and then he flashes back to Lexi’s breakdown at the hospital. Lexi is screaming at her patient, knocking medical supplies over (some poor production assistant is going to have to clean that mess up) and telling her patient that if she wants to die she should get a gun.
In present time, McSteamy bursts in the room and yells at McBeardy for clearing Lexi for surgery. McBeardy explains that Lexi is fine and protocol says she can go back to work. (Once again, no second opinion?)
While operating and with their hands inside a patient, Teddy and Owen discuss his upcoming nuptials. Teddy says she’s happy for him and they smile at each other. What about the patient they are operating on? Is he/she ok? And why aren’t the doctors wearing medical masks?
While at lunch, Cristina explains to her co-workers that there will be no chicken dance or conga line at her wedding. (What about the Macarena?) Alex enters and shows off that he too has been cleared for surgery. Meredith and Cristina are the only ones left that haven’t been cleared yet. Bailey breaks up the party and tells them that she’s happy to see them all and then yells at them to get back to work. (Aww … I’ve missed her yelling.)
Derek meets with McBeardy and explains why he quit his position as the Chief of surgery.
Derek, “I didn’t quit my job. Being Chief wasn’t my job. I am a surgeon. That’s what I do that is who I am.” He goes on to say, “Life is short, so now I think less and just do.”
Derek gets cleared for surgery, and now it’s time to hit the pavement and race down the highway again at 125 mph. (Big deal. Who hasn’t raced down the highway at 125 miles per hour?)
Meredith arrives at her appointment with McBeardy and catches him making out with Teddy.
Meredith: So this is what I have to do to get cleared.
Teddy wipes her minx mouth and exits.
Meredith: That was creepy and inappropriate. I want a new counselor.
McBeardy: Teddy was never a patient. She was cleared for surgery before I got here. We just met in the cafeteria.
Just met in the cafeteria? Teddy’s a cheap date!
Meredith yells at McBeardy for clearing Derek, Lexi and Alex but not her.
McBeardy: Dr. Grey, I don’t think you’re being honest with me or yourself. And I think that’s a potentially dangerous situation. So what is it that you’re not saying?
It’s none of your beeswax!
Meredith flashes back to being on a hospital table with Cristina by her side. As she lies with her legs up in stirrups waiting to have a doctor remove the dead fetus from her womb, Meredith makes Cristina promise that she will never tell Derek about her pregnancy and miscarriage. Cristina swears to secrecy and exits to make sure that all that know will keep their month’s shut.
It’s my favorite time at Seattle Grace. It’s Girly Gossip Time! This episode of Girly Gossip stars Teddy and Arizona.
Teddy tells Arizona that Meredith caught her kissing McBeardy and Arizona tells Teddy that Callie watches her sleep. (Umm, what’s wrong with that?) Then they braid each other’s hair and practice French kissing. Wait, that last part I made up.
Arizona is afraid that Callie is going to propose or will want to have children immediately. She says that she and Callie are currently in a pretty pink bubble of happiness and she doesn’t want to deal with reality.
Arizona: My bubble is so pink and so pretty.
(No comment)
Teddy: Pop the bubble!
Chief Richard Weber is back in effect after being reinstated by the Board (that was fast), and Derek is back to being a lowly neurosurgeon.
Tumor boy lies on the operating table, as the doctors get ready to slice his face in half and remove the tumor. The only thing grosser than this medical storyline is that they show the surgery. Meredith watches the surgery from the galley and Cristina sits next to her flipping through a wedding magazine. Meredith looks at Cristina and yanks her up and into the hallway.
Meredith yells at Cristina, telling her that they are not better and questioning her marriage to Owen.
Cristina looks up from her wedding magazine, “Are you trying to talk me out of this?” Meredith says, “Look at me and tell me you’re sure.”
And then Meredith says, “Derek’s the love of my life, but you’re my soul mate.”
Does Derek know this?
Cristina turns the conversation around and tells Meredith that she needs to tell Derek about her miscarriage and then storms off.
It’s Cristina’s turn to sits down with McBeardy and she is very defensive. She flips through her wedding magazine and makes fun of the women in it and says that she used to feel sorry for them for being simple girls. She turns to McBeardy and says that now she too wants to be simple, because no one holds a gun to the head of a simple girl. Cristina needs a hug.
Cristina has a flashback to when she was operating on Derek and the shooter was holding the gun to her head. Then Cristina has a flashback to a different night, after the shooting occurred. In it, Cristina is at home waiting for Owen to arrive and she is frightened and hiding under a blanket. When Owen arrives she cries and says that she doesn’t want to be alone anymore. With Cristina’s rock-solid defenses down for a split second, Owen takes this opportunity to propose to her. She responds to the big question with a “thank you.” Any other day, Cristina would have told him to return the ring and buy her an endoscopic vessel harvesting system or hemorrhoid forceps instead.
Am I the only one that doesn’t want Cristina to marry Owen?
Back in present time, Bailey spaces out while she walks to her car and is greeted by her boyfriend, Tucker. Tucker tells Bailey that he misses her and Bailey tells him that she’s too busy holding herself together to get involved with him again. Tucker tells Bailey to take care of herself and walks away. While Bailey cries alone, Meredith and Derek are getting their freak on in an empty hospital room.
Derek tells Meredith that he wants to make a baby. Babies are not cupcakes, you don’t “make” them! Dammit, now I want a cupcake. Derek’s beeper goes off and he rushes out of the room to check on tumor boy, who is freaking out due to being in excruciating pain. Derek tells him to fight and turns to tumor boy’s mother and tells her that her son’s pain is victory pain. (Like Kerri Strug at the Olympics.)
Derek’s back on the road, being chased by the cops and, once again, he gets arrested. Meredith shows up at the jail, all dressed up for Cristina’s wedding. She kisses Derek through the bars, grabs the wedding ring box out of Derek’s jacket and leaves him there.
The wedding is being held at the Church of Meredith Grey’s living room. Lexi hangs out in the kitchen by herself, clinking glasses with a spoon. Alex walks in and compliments her dress.
Lexi turns to Alex and has her How Stella Got her Groove Back moment, “You think you’re so badass cuz you lived. I’m the reason that you lived. And while you were dying you were crying out for the wife who left you. So that’s the opposite of badass.”
BFFs McSteamy and Callie are getting drunk at the open bar when Arizona walks in. Why didn’t Callie wait for her so they could arrive together?
Arizona crosses the room and Callie says, “I have something to ask you.”
Arizona: Oh no.
Callie: I want you to move in with me. I love you and you have a drawer and a tooth brush and I want you to have a whole dresser and a whole blow dryer…
Arizona says, “yes” and they kiss! Hooray! I’ll be sending Callie the U-Haul rates and a few coupons I have leftover.
Meredith arrives with the wedding ring and hands it to Owen. Owen is scared that Cristina won’t actually go through with the wedding. I hope she doesn’t.
Meredith goes upstairs and finds Cristina standing on the bed in a beautiful cranberry red dress. (Hopefully she took her shoes off first.) Meredith tells Cristina that she looks beautiful and that Owen is perfect. Cristina thanks her for her approval and Meredith walks her “soul mate” down the staircase. The wedding is off and running and the entire hospital staff looks on. Seriously though, where are their family members? I don’t see a single redhead in the crowd!
Owen and Cristina place their wedding rings on each other’s hands and Cristina says “I do.” Owen and Cristina seal the deal with a very deep tongue-y kiss. (Now I’m glad that no family members attended their wedding)
As the season premiere ends, we learn that there is nothing more romantic than settling.
So what is in store for Grey’s Anatomy Season 7? Will Cristina and Owen get an annulment? (I hope so.) Will Derek stay in prison and join the cast of Oz? Will bad machine return from her travels and yell at me for butchering her recaps?
Stay tuned!
