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“Las Aparicio” recap: Episodes 61-63

Before we start, I’d suggest getting a drink (or two). Maybe, also, do a shot. Unless you’re under age, in which case you should get something non-alcoholic. Modern Family recommends salted chocolate milk and Rizzoli & Isles recommends salted coffee. Salt is the new sugar. Write that down.

Last time on the Julia Confundicio Show … Julia cheated on Mariana with Armando because she couldn’t help herself. As a result, we will now be treated to 40 or so episodes of … wait, let me not get ahead of myself here.

Let’s begin. Episode 61 opens with foreshadowing in the form of the Mexican TV series Julia is starring in. It’s a series within a series, the plot of which mirrors the life and times of its lead actress who is actually a character within another show. Are you following? It’s deep, you guys.

I know it’s hard to grasp the subtle nuances of this series, but something tells me that we will be treated to a threesome in the near future and that it will involve a curly-haired guy and two brunettes.

DON’T PANIC.

Okay, panic. A little. But stay with me. And keep a towel with you at all times.

Over at casa Wilson Torres, Mariana is still excited that she and Hernan have nearly the same handwriting and she shares the revolutionary news with Julia. Julia ooohs and aaaahs at the post-it notes on the fridge and then announces that she has to go study her lines. Mariana offers to help, but Julia says that’s okay.

Mariana apologizes for acting like a child with abandonment issues and Julia says she thinks it’s good for them to do separate things once in a while. Mostly, Mariana is being her usual sweet, wonderful self and Julia is trying really hard to hide her guilt.

Suffer, Julia. SUFFERLIKEMARIANA.

Later on, Julia is having trouble with some of her lines because they are too much like her real life and her real life is confusing.

Julia: It’s super complicated.

Mariana: What’s it about?

Julia: The um… the three of them are supposed to get together … you know, sleep together and afterwards Natalia feels really guilty because she slept with Ar—with Ignasio without Karen there and so she feels bad and she feels that she betrayed her and everything’s a mess.

Mariana: So why does she do it? To reaffirm her love, or …?

Julia: I don’t know! I don’t know! The thing is that this scene takes place after all of that and then she goes to try and confess and to apologize and she’s all conflicted …

So conflicted, Julia is. I mean Natalia.

Mariana starts reading the lines in an effort to help Julia, but the lines end up confusing Julia even further and she ends up saying “Mariana” where she should’ve said “Karen” and then she spazzes out and say she can’t concentrate and that she needs to go study the lines at her mom’s.

The next morning, at the Most Open-Minded House in Mexico, las Aparicio (and Aurelia) are having breakfast together. Everyone’s teasing Aurelia because she checked Rafaela’s breasts for lumps. Alma tells Aurelia that her husband died a long time ago and so it makes sense that she’d be lonely.

Mercedes: I just want to let you both know that if you end up falling in love that there’s nothing wrong with it.

Everyone has a good laugh, except for Julia, who is sitting there looking emo.

Her sisters eventually notice that Julia is being quiet but Julia plays it off that she’s nervous about the series she’s doing, and then she excuses herself and heads off.

Later on, Mariana drops by the house. Rafaela is trying to talk to her but Mariana’s all distracted because she’s not sure what’s going on with Julia lately. She thinks it might have something to do with the new job, but she’s not sure. Rafaela advices her to have patience.

I think, actually, Rafaela is speaking to us all. Listen to Rafaela, people. You don’t want to cross her.

Back on set, Julia is hallucinating again or maybe dreaming. It’s hard to tell with her sometimes.

Dream Mariana: So, Julia, what did you decide?

Julia: It’s just that … I can’t decide … because I love you both.

For some reason I have Phoebe’s song “Two of them Kissed Last Night” stuck in my head …

Phoebe: … and now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside? Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we’ll call … Ju-Lulieeee … He must decide … he must decide … even though I made him up, he must decide!

Julia doesn’t have to decide, though, which is too bad. Phoebe should write a song about that. I miss Phoebe.

Real Armando brings Julia flowers on set and tells her that she can’t pretend nothing happened, but that’s precisely what Julia is trying to do. Except she does take his flowers before walking away from him, which seems like the opposite of what she should do. But since up is down and down is up for Julia Aparicio, I guess it all makes perfect sense.

Episode 62 picks up a little while later, and guess who’s still hanging around the set like a creepy stalker dude? Yep, him.

They get into a loud, inappropriate argument in the middle of the studio about what happened between them. Julia does her best to tell Armando to get lost and to convince them both that their sleeping together was just sex. Armando doesn’t believe her and neither do any of us because we already know that Julia has a penthouse suite in Back-and-Forthville, overlooking a giant lake in the shape of a question mark.

Armando: It wasn’t just sex.

I’m gonna need more salted coffee if I’m going to get through this.

Over at Casa Aparicio, Mariana is hanging out with Ileana, Bruno and Isadora. They’re discussing Julia’s TV show and how Julia is going to be really famous once it airs. Then Isadora asks what the show is about, and being that the plotline is not suitable for minors, Mariana changes the subject by suggesting they go play.

Later on, Mariana is still at the Aparicio house, talking with Hernan and Rafaela. Julia wanders in and Mariana rushes to greet her, but Julia is all cold and distant and tells them that she’s tired and doesn’t want to talk about her first day of work. Mariana says she must be exhausted and offers to help her take her things to her room, but Julia tells her no. She’s going to go shower and come back down later.

Once she’s gone, Rafaela asks Mariana how the patience thing is going.

Mariana: More or less … more less than more.

Rafaela: Don’t let impatience win, my love.

Mariana has been around the Aparicio household long enough to have absorbed some of their supernatural powers, so I think she’ll be okay. You can do it, Mariana.

Armed with Super Patience and Rafaela’s encouragement, Mariana goes to check on Julia. She tries to engage her in conversation about her day but Julia tells her she doesn’t want to talk about work.

Mariana: Well, whenever you want to talk, you can talk to me. I’m going to be patient, loving and understanding.

Julia: You always are.

Mariana: So what’s the problem?

Julia: I just can’t talk about it right now.

Mariana moves behind Julia and starts massaging her shoulders, telling her that instead of talking she can just put on some music and give her a massage so she can relax.

But it’s hard to relax when you feel insurmountable guilt over the fact that YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY AND YOU CHEATED ON HER WITH A DUFUS. SUFFER, JULIA.

Julia: What I meant to say is that … I just can’t be with you right now. It’s not because of you … it’s just I need some space.

Ah, the dreaded words.

Everyone who wants to go comfort Mariana in her hour of need form a line behind me.

The next day, Julia works on her indecision-making skills by looking at photos of herself standing beside both objects of her affection. Then she picks up the phone and makes a call.

Later on, she arrives at Mariana’s apartment. Mariana isn’t happy to see her.

Mariana: Did you already get tired of your space?

Julia apologizes and says that she needed time and space to think and organize her head and to reflect and make certain decisions, yadda yadda. None of this sounds good to anyone that’s actually listening. It especially doesn’t sound good to Mariana.

Julia: Why are you taking it like this?

Mariana: How do you want me to take it? You say space and I interpret that to mean distance. If you want distance, there’s the door. But stop playing with me.

Julia says she’s not playing. And then Armando shows up. Yay!

Mariana: I can’t believe this.

Yeah, me neither, but here we are. She asks Armando what he’s doing there and Julia says that she asked him to come. Even better! Armando asks why Julia invited him because if it’s to tell him that they’re just friends that’s never going to work.

Armando: What you and I have —

Mariana doesn’t like the sound of that one bit and the two of them start yelling at each other. Julia shuts them up and tells them that she needs to talk to both of them at the same time because she has something very important to tell them.

Mariana: Go ahead, Julia. Articulate. Why don’t you tell us what it is that you want from us?

Julia: I want you both!

Sigh. Drinks, anyone? My treat.

In episode 63, we pick up more or less where we left off, except the awkward conversation has now moved to the patio.

Mariana: How many fingers do I have here, Julia, because from where I’m standing, your perception of reality is distorted or something or you’re sick … she’s sick … she has to be sick.

Armando: No, she’s not sick. She’s just confused, isn’t that right, Julia? Because of what happened between us the other day.

Oh, right. The cheating. Knew we were forgetting something.

Mariana: What happened the other day?

Julia: I slept with him.

Julia then rambles out an apology which isn’t so much an apology as her going on and on about how she can’t help but want them both and how she doesn’t know if it’s a sin or if it’s abnormal but she can’t help it and blah blah blah.

Julia: … and I feel that what I need is to have you both…

Julia: … I feel that I love you and that I need you…

Julia: … and that’s that.

Nothing good comes from this conversation, because Mariana and Armando are both upset. They don’t know what Julia wants to do now with this whole thing and Julia doesn’t know either. Well, she does know, she wants them both. She just doesn’t know how to ask for that directly because that might be crossing the line. So it’s better that she just let them figure it out on their own.

Mariana: You are so selfish.

Armando tries to make peace by inviting Julia back to his apartment so they can “talk” about it. Julia starts to cry and use reverse psychology. When you’re in this deep you absolutely need to do both at the same time.

Julia: I shouldn’t have told you anything. I should be like everyone else in the world, who lie and sleep with one and sleep with the other and it doesn’t matter … as long as no one finds out. That’s what I should’ve done just to avoid this whole mess. Instead of trying to be honest and trying to fix this somehow… I’m sorry.

Goodbye, cruel, monogamous world!

Coming soon: The Julia Aparicio Guide to Getting People To Do Stuff They Don’t Want to Do While Making Them Think They Actually Want To Do It by Julia Aparicio.

Mariana and Armando crack open some beers and discuss the situation. Armando then says things that make us want to punch him in the face.

Armando: I think we’re all a bit confused here. But what Julia and I have … geez, that’s true love, while what you two have is a nice friendship, a beautiful friendship and I’m sure it’s going to last for the rest of your lives.

Mariana: What are you trying to say?

Armando: That I’m seeing an opportunity here, between Julia and me, and I’m asking you to let us take it.

Mariana tells him that he wasn’t listening because what Julia wants is to have them both. Armando asks whether she’d be willing to go along with that.

Mariana says it’s not in her nature to go out with more than one person at a time and that maybe Armando is used to juggling various women. Armando says it’s the first time this has happened to him and that the only reason he’s considering it is because he loves Julia.

Mariana: That’s not love.

Armando: You don’t believe me? Fine.

Armando leaves and Mariana reclaims her title as the Queen of Suffering.

All hail the Queen!

Meanwhile, Julia wanders around her mom’s house dodging direct questions.

Rafaela: Don’t you miss Marianita?

Julia: Yes, yes I do miss her.

Are you sure, Julia? Because maybe you don’t. Maybe you only think you do. Perhaps you should look through some more pictures and make sure.

Later on, Julia goes to hang out with Mercedes, who’s getting ready to infiltrate Alma’s escort service lair. She has recently discovered Alma’s secret career and has a lot of complicated feelings on the subject.

Since Mercedes can’t say anything about the escort service or what her plans actually are, and Julia doesn’t want to talk about the fact that she wants a threesome with her girlfriend and ex-boyfriend, the conversation goes absolutely nowhere.

Julia decides to drop in on her more open-minded sister.

Alma: Mariana or Armando?

Julia: Both.

Always both.

Julia goes on to tell Alma how she told Mariana and Armando that she wanted them both and how their reaction was to threaten her and mock her and that the only thing she could do was run out the door.

Coming Soon: The Julia Aparicio Guide to Cheating on Your Significant Other, Admitting You Want To Sleep With More Than One Person At a Time, and Still Come Out Looking Like the Victim by Julia Aparicio.

Alma asks Julia what she intends to do now and Julia asks if she’s got anything to drink. Alma’s got tequila, and I sure hope she’s got enough for all of us.

Meanwhile, Mariana is helping Hernan with some saving-the-world stuff. Hernan notices that Mariana is a little off and convinces her to talk to him.

Mariana: Julia came by and confessed to me, well, confessed to both Armando and me that she wants to be with us both.

Hernan: With you both…

He has no words. I have no words. Julia is drunk. Armando is— well, who cares?

And that, my friends, is where we leave this recap. Still with me? Don’t leave me all alone!

Ingrid Díaz is the author of Alix & Valerie, a professional blogger and non-recovering coffee addict. In her college days, she was a purple-haired LGBT rights activist. These days, she aims to change the world one lesbian love story at a time. You can read some of her work at www.midnightisland.com.

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