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“Thintervention” recap 1.3: Stairway to hell

Alright people, I’m not really sure what is going on with Thintervention but it seems as though the trainees have taken control of the show and so far Jackie and Craig haven’t been able to crack these nuts.

Stacy, the young comedian, wants to lose 11 pounds this week to make up for her lackluster performance last week. Joe wants to drop five pounds “like Jackie drops her pants at a gay bar.” Joe must be letting Stacy write his jokes for him.

Jackie and Craig have a meeting of the skinny good-looking blonde trainer minds and decide they’re going to turn up the intensity and try to break down walls by pushing the contestants hard. Hmmm, where have I seen this before?

When they step into the gym, Jackie tells everyone she is not playing today, she’s in a bad mood.

Jackie Wisdom: Most of us walk through life pushing down the pain. Now we’re going to confront that pain.

Unfortunately, the lesson is kind of lost on everyone because Nikki is nowhere in sight. Most likely she’s paying out her bar tab at the lounge around the corner. To pay for her sins, Jackie makes everyone else continue their cardio while they wait.

When Nikki arrives, she appears to still be at least somewhat crocked out of her gourd. She tells Jackie it wasn’t the alcohol that made her late, she’s been stuck at home with a case of “food poison” (which came out in a drunken slur and basically means the olives in her martini didn’t sit too well).

This makes Jackie livid and she goes off on a swearing spree, which makes Nikki’s face turn to this:

 

While not a great look, it is a really impressive sidewinder.

As the workout continues, I am reminded more and more that all of the participants are whiners (besides Mandy and Jeana). Shay keeps saying she can’t “do it” — whatever “it” is. Jackie tells Shay to “Shut it down.” Stacy is in need of more attention so she says she’s pissed. Jackie says she doesn’t care that Stacy is pissed. Quite frankly, neither do I.

Jackie attempts to make Shay, Stacy and Nikki do my least favorite exercise: the dreaded pull-up. Shay quits, Stacy cries due to a fear of heights while standing on a box, and Nikki must’ve had some steroids put in her morning cocktail because she is able to do five of them.

After seeing Drinks McGee do five, Stacy steps back into the ring and is able to do a pull-up. She didn’t get to pat herself on the back for too long though because Joe was there to burst her bubble and bring her down a few notches with some snark.

Jackie tells them that this week, they’ll need to rely on each other even more than they have before. Someone has to host a healthy comfort food pot luck. Mandy volunteers.

It turns out Mandy not only has a perfect family, she also is the Hawaiian Martha Stewart. Homegirl knows how to present a feast. Well, that or she had her best gay come over to help her with the setup.

Her sons greet everyone at the door to both charm and hit on the ladies. I think Jonathan might turn into a bit of a chubby chaser when he grows up.

Joe made some delicious bison sliders, Shay brought some grilled vegetables she bought at the store and Jeana brought her chef/manslave.

At the dinner table, Stacy decides she wants to know what’s wrong with Mandy because her life is too perfect to be chubby. Shay confronts Joe and tells him she doesn’t like or trust him. What comes next is a full-size serving of passive aggressive behavior and, oh hey, pass the mahi mahi.

Stacy ends up crying, Nikki laughs and rolls her eyes, Bryan has turned into the mother hen of the group and I’ve had about enough quality time with these people.

At Extreme Workout day, Jackie imparts more Jackie Wisdon: If you finish this, you’ll get a sense of personal victory like you’ve never had in your life.

Shay and Stacy tackle the workout with renewed vigor. Craig taunts everyone through the workout in the best way suited to them. He calls Bryan a little bitch and tells Jeana she’s beautiful right before giving her a five star slap on the tush.

Shay actually impresses everyone and sprints to the finish line, coming in third place. Jackie tells everyone she is so proud of them, and rewards them with climbing the stairs. I don’t know where Jackie was brought up, but in my world, the stairs are a form of severe punishment.

Stacy says she’s going to channel her inner athlete and does well. She only stops when feeling a pain in her knee and Jackie tells her to give up.

That night, Bryan, Joe, Nikki and Stacy go out to dinner and I think I’m going to need a drink for this. Stacy just walked into the mouse trap with three hungry cats waiting to pounce.

Nikki orders a double vodka, Stacy says she can’t drink due to polycystic ovarian syndrome and Nikki says she can practically smell it.

It only gets worse — Stacy tells them she’s going on a blind date this week and they tear into her like she’s the last bag of Lays potato chips on earth.

Just to prove that no one is really a good friend, they all let Nikki eat dinner and get filmed with something stuck in her teeth.

The following day, Stacy has to leave her writing partner in order to meet up with Jackie for an impromptu workout. I’m not sure why Jackie is wearing jeans and boots to train Stacy, but she looks hot in it and I’m willing to let it slide.

 

Finally, it’s time for group therapy. Joe likes that Dr. Ramani smells like pudding and cinnamon (weird) and the participants go around the room explaining a moment of true happiness in a childhood photo.

Jackie has them do this exercise because, as adults, these people are terrible to themselves and to each other. But after looking at a photo of the person as a child, it’s harder to place blame and talk smack.

The group focuses on Jeana, who can’t seem to break down her walls with the group. Mandy says she shows love through food. Stacy cries and talks about her evil grandmother who would tell her she was fat and untalented.

Shay breaks down when Jackie tells her she loves her. Everyone gets uncomfortable when Nikki laughs and tells her picture she is “an awful, rotten, ugly little girl.” When she sees how taken aback everyone is, she starts to unravel and wonders if this makes her a bad person.

Joe had to become the man of the house at the age of five and his family was on welfare — and now we know where his mommy issues probably stemmed from. His parents had divorced and he only saw his dad on weekends, which is where they would eat cheeseburgers — and then cheeseburgers became associated with time with dad.

Jackie tells everyone she is proud of them — but then they step on the scale and she seems like she’s about to lose it. Almost everyone had trouble losing any substantial weight this week and Jackie questions their commitment. Personally, I’m having a problem with her really expecting that much more from them, considering the fact that they still are leading their normal lives outside of the gym. None of the contestants, but especially Mandy and Jeana, are really all that heavy. Those two shouldn’t really be looking to lose more than two pounds a week.

Still, Jackie knows best, and what she knows makes her cry — or at least pretend to cry. She tells them she refuses to fail them and begs them to come with her.

I don’t know how you all feel, but as far as I’m concerned there weren’t nearly enough tears this week (besides from Stacy).

I hate to say this, because I really do believe they are both great trainers, but Jillian Michaels would never let her participants pull the type of crap these people do. Instead of focusing on themselves, they put all of their self-loathing on each other. Nikki’s defense mechanism is to drink and blame her weight on being such a good time. How do I know? Because I’m not only a club member, I’m the freaking president of this club. But, I’m not on a reality show trying to lose weight with Jackie freaking Warner.

Next week, we’ll be surrounded by hot firemen and Jackie dressed in some firefighter gear. How are you all feeling about the show so far?

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