At this point, there have been 542,983 Real World/Road Rules challenges on MTV (even though Road Rules no longer exists), which follow the exact same formulaic, predictable trajectory: big, beefy dudes hopped up on roids assert their masculinity, friends and lovers are betrayed, and everyone gets it on.
Why, then, do we continue to watch the ever-growing cesspool of STDs and muscle milk? Simple: athletic women. Ipso facto, the Challenge is actually a contest to see who can out-dyke the other dykes and emerge victorious as the dykiest of all the softball/rugby/tennis-playing dykes in the land. On Oct. 6, MTV takes us to Prague for Cutthroat, a brand-new challenge filled with a shocking combination of each and every one of the elements mentioned above, including a green cast of gay and gayish women. Let’s take a look, shall we?
The show should clearly be called “Tongue-Down-Your-Throat” instead, because of the enormous and expected amount of spit-swappage going down. According to one of the competitors, “Every girl’s a little bit bi,” and, coincidentally, there are at least five queer ladies to help prove that theory.
First, we have Ayiiia Elizarraras, the temper-tantrum-prone roommate from Real World: Cancun, who since has come out as queer. Little is known about her athletic abilities, but we all remember the prowess with which she bedded roommates Emilee and Jonna, so if there’s a prize for kissing castmates, Ayiiia just might win it.
Conveniently, Emilee is on the challenge, too, and will most likely remind us that she will just “hook up with chicks – not date them,” in case one of her minions takes diddling more seriously than she does. This is going to get real confusing, because bisexual Real World: DC housemate Emily Schromm is on the challenge, too, with the athletic resume to back her up. Hopefully her ex-boo, Ty, doesn’t ruin our fun by getting in the way of an Emilee vs. Emily lesbian Turkish oil wrestling match. Next up is Real World: Denver‘s Jenn Grijalva, whose denial of ever having feelings for former Challenge flame Rachel was most likely precipitated by Rachel breaking her heart. Jenn’s got a temper, too, which, when met with Ayiiia’s, would probably result in a hair-pulling, trash-talking, bitch-slapping brawl. Finally, we have lesbian-who-dates-men Sarah Rice of the Brooklyn cast, whose competitive spirit is as abundant as her tatts. She’s definitely one tough lady, though I wish she would stop hooking up with meat heads on the show. Sure, the Challenge is rather predictable, but I like being able to count on a little girlie action every season without fail. And because of this, we’ll have recaps of Cutthroat every week, right here on AfterEllen.com.
The Challenge: Cutthroat premieres Wednesday, October 6 at 10/9 c on MTV.
