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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (1.09): You do anything to protect “family”

Before we get started, I’d like to lodge a complaint with TNT. Last week’s Rizzoli & Isles episode was supposed to end with Maura giving Jane a comforting shoulder rub after the former made the unfortunate decision to experiment with her sexuality and suck face with FBI Agent Boring McBeards-a-Lot. We all know that’s just a phase. Never cut touching between Jane and Maura, TNT. Ever.

There, now that that’s settled, on to this week’s fresh lesbian subtext. This episode was a bit like an episode of Lassie, where Lassie is Jane Rizzoli and Timmy is Maura Isles. What is it, Jane? Maura’s in trouble? You mean she has been kidnapped? Well come on, we have to save Maura!

But first, some guy gets ice picked to death in his car. Though, I guess these things are bound to happen when your head resembled a block of ice. The next morning Jane arrives on scene. First thing she does on scene, after telling some random dude stuck in the ensuing traffic jam to “shut up,” is to inquire about Maura. And then she says that Maura shouldn’t wear high heels to a crime scene. Maura arrives on cue, looking fresh from a fashion shoot in her high heels. You have to look nice for your lady, am I right, femmes?

Jane asks if she could run in them, which Maura concedes is not a good idea. But they do look nice tossed off lying on your bedroom floor, am I right, butches?

A tow truck driver arrives to take away stabbed in the head dude’s car. The driver gives Jane some lip, which clearly she is not taking and asks him, “What is the male equivalent for bitchy? Dicky?” OK, that has officially entered my vocabulary.

Back at the crime lab, they’re going over the dead guy’s car with him still inside. Maura notices that his fingerprints have been burned off with acid. And she also notes that fingertips have 250 nerve receptors per square centimeter. I wonder why she would know so much about the sensitivity of fingertips.

But before we can grill Maura on exactly how she uses those sensitive fingertips, Maura gets a phone call saying her DNA has been cross contaminated with the victims. Jane tells her to resend it, saying “Maura, you must have done something screwy.” I like anytime Jane uses the words “Maura” and “screw” in the same sentence. But Maura does not cross contaminate. This guy is her half brother.

Jane and Maura then find a secluded, romantic park bench to sit on and process their feelings. Their legs are crossed towards each other, which I learned from Clueless years ago is an unequivocal sex invite. Maura says the dead guy and her share the same father. Jane comforts her with those big, brown puppy dog eyes and her arm resting behind her back. It’s part protective, part possessive, all gay.

Maura never knew her biological parents. She never even told her adoptive parents when she went looking for her birth mother. Because it was a closed private adoption, she couldn’t find out more because they didn’t want her to find them.

More big, brown puppy dog eyes from Jane. She puts her hand on Maura’s knee and asks, “What can I do?” Have you ever noticed that when Angie Harmon stares at Sasha Alexander, her eyes wander from Sasha’s eyes to Sasha’s lips? Intense eye contact is one thing, intense lip contact is entirely another.

Maura is staring at her dead half brother again. She tells Jane about the similarities they have in their nasal structure and super orbital something or other. Jane of course sees the resemblance because she has spent hours, days, months, years studying every inch of Maura’s face.

She gives Maura a sympathetic shoulder rub in response. Dammit, TNT, I’m still made about missing the reciprocal shoulder rub last week. And then Jane gives her her dead half brother’s M.C. Escher-like drawings. Normally, these would be in evidence, but Jane wants her to have them. Because police protocol is nothing when faced with a girlfriend grieving over the half brother she never knew. His paintings apparently mean he was a genius. Runs in the family, you know.

They also are genius because they help them find where he lived. So Jane and Det. Frost go check it out. Now, can we talk about the way Angie walks? The swagger of it. The confidence of it. I know she looks really pretty in a dress and all, too, but can we please make some sort of law where Angie is contractually obligated to wear a suit and brandish a gun at least once for every role?

They find out Maura’s half brother was deep into high-tech identify theft. He also had a secret box that both steals and reveals people’s identities. I want to make a joke about Rizzoli and Isles knowing all about secret boxes here, but it feels too obvious. Instead, the secret box leads them to the Irish mob. Which leads them to find out that Maura’s dad is a heavy in the mob.

Maura is at Jane’s place. She is shaken after her father came to identify her half brother at the morgue. She is wigged out by her genetic connection to killers. Jane is more wigged out by the fact that Maura is now in danger. So she circles the wagons.

Jane says Maura “shouldn’t be alone right now.” I’d wager that Jane thinks Maura shouldn’t be alone ever. But she lets her go. Then the department’s files get hacked into. Jane goes into full Lassie mode and sprints to the ME’s office. But Maura is already gone, snatched from the loading dock and stuffed into a van.

The van door opens and a bound Maura sees her mobster father. He just kidnapped her to protect her. Crazy logic is crazy. She confronts him. Sasha does a very good mix of fear and fierce indignation. Plus her hair looks fantastic. So shiny and bouncy.

Papa, it seems, has been keeping tabs on her throughout her life. He has photos of her high school, college, medical school graduations. Does he have photos of her at Jane’s place? I’d really like to see those. He gives her a phone programmed with his number and tells her to call him as soon as she knows who the killer is. He wants to keep her alive by killing her half-brother’s murderer.

Back at the precinct, Jane paces like a caged animal – a caged animal whose life mate is in danger. The phone rings and she blurts out “Whatever you want I can get it.” Awww, you guys. Jane would do anything for Maura – anything.

But it’s Maura on the other end. Naturally Jane asks Maura, “Can you get to my apartment?” Because, you know, the first thing you should do after being kidnapped and realizing your life in mortal danger is head to your girlfriend’s house for some alone time. Jane sprints out the door, again.

At Jane’s place, she grabs herself a beer while Maura eats cereal. Jane teases her and asks if she is “finally letting emotion run that big brain” of hers. Maura says she doesn’t know who she is. But Jane knows. She has always known. She says she is “the same ridiculously smart, amazing, goofy person that you were before.” And her hair, it’s still so pretty.

When Maura tells Jane that her biological father wants her to do, Jane says, “If he wants to protect you, maybe we should just let him handle it.” Again with the rule breaking to protect her woman. And again with the eyes that go from Maura’s eyes to her lips. Check the tape, I’m not lying.

Maura is still worked up about her possible genetic disposition for crime. Hey, didn’t we see this subplot before with one Det. Olivia Benson? Speaking of which, how about we get a crossover where the NYPD has a sex crimes case that leads them to Boston. Of course, if that happened every lesbian’s head on the planet would explode from the uber-gayosity. But I digress.

Jane is telling Maura there isn’t an evil bone in her body – while holding her hand, with both her hands. If you picked touching as your cue this episode in the Rizzoli & Isles Lesbian Subtext Drinking Game, you’d be well on your way to being soused.

Jane’s brother Frankie shows up at the door. He sees Maura and says hi, completely unfazed by her presence in Jane’s apartment in the middle of the night. Seems he needs help with the bar plumbing subplot involving their dad that I’ve been ignoring.

Maura wants to come along. Anything to get near a toolbelt, eh? Jane and Maura then have a butch off, proving who knows more about plumbing. And blow torches. And pipes. Speaking of pipes, Jane hands Maura a really big one to hold. Which she then admires, longingly. Not-so subtle symbolism for $100, Alex.

A break in the case leads them to the killer, which leads Jane and Maura to an intense conversation about what to do. Call her sperm donor daddy so he can whack the guy or let justice take its course. Maura won’t call, but Jane says she will. Like I was saying, anything to keep her woman safe. But Maura won’t allow it, so Jane takes the phone to “crime lab.”

Next thing you know they’re all walking up to a very dead killer. A picture of Maura’s birth father holding her as a baby is stuck to his body with an ice pick. Maura asks who tipped him off, but the detectives all plead innocence. But they say you do what you need to do to protect family. And I think you all know what I mean when I say “family.”

They’re back at the bar with the Tweedledee and Tweedledum of plumbing. Finished with the project, Jane’s dad turns on the water to see if his handiwork works. Maura grabs Jane’s arm. Jane grabs Maura’s hand. At this point, the folks who picked touching in the drinking game are passed out on the couch.

And then the water flows. Everyone cheers because it’s not like indoor plumbing has been around since before Christ. Well, regardless, Jane calls Maura a genius. And then when Maura agrees, Jane amends it to a “humble” genius. But I swear, the first time I heard it I thought Jane said “homo.” I think my way sounds better. Maura tickles Jane as retribution, which again is an all-around more pleasing and more gay way to handle revenge than with an ice pick.

Though, before we go, I have to lodge another complaint with TNT. This picture was among the production stills for the episode, which means somewhere on some cutting room floor is the footage of Jane giving Maura a hug.

I thought I told you to never cut touching between Jane and Maura, TNT. Ever.

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