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“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 202

The 45-minute hour – When we re-join Jackie and Mimi this week, they’re still in the therapist’s office deconstructing their toxic relationship. Actually, Mimi is not in the room at the moment. At the end of last week’s episode, she abruptly got up and walked out while Jackie was talking. Did she suddenly have to pee, or order Chinese, or pace and fume and mutter to herself? I have no idea.

Anyway, Dr. Obvious asks Jackie, “Why are you in it?”

Jackie: Because I’m f—ed up. And I hate myself for even being in this.

I hate myself for loving you. Jackie’s a victim of circumstance. She doesn’t give a damn about her bad reputation. Watch for Joan Jett’s newest single, “Because I’m F—ed Up” coming to a store near you.

Dr. Obvious hypothesizes that Jackie’s punishing herself with a horrid relationship because she doesn’t feel worthy. These are not exactly unique epiphanies. Jackie immediately agrees.

At that moment, Mimi comes back into the room as if nothing happened. The therapist wants to know why she stormed out. Uh, because she’s Mimi and that’s what she does? Mimi says she left because Jackie was yelling.

Dr. Obvious: I think she was upset because you weren’t letting her talk, or you were interrupting.

Mimi: So I let her.

Dr. Obvious: So, you can’t be in the room when she’s talking?

Mimi: The thing is, is that it’s an argument again. So let her talk. Let her talk.

Mimi’s happy to let Jackie talk her head off, as long as she doesn’t have to be in the room. Typical bratty Mimi-logic. Then Mimi asks Jackie, without any irony, “Did you [talk]?” Ha.

Dr. Obvious asks why they’re together when they’re both so miserable. Yes, America is dying to hear the answer to that one. The question is met with a long silence. Dr. Obvious offers to give them the tools they need to stay together, if that’s what they want. And by “tools” I think she means a hammer and a saw, so they can build a boxing ring to duke it out in. Or should I say an Ultimate Fighting ring – is biting still allowed there?

Dr. Obvious presses them on whether or not they’re willing to do the work. Jackie decides the answer is “no” and gets up and leaves. Unlike Mimi, she really leaves, because in the next shot, she’s driving in her car. I think she stuck Mimi with the bill.

On to bigger and better things – Jackie goes to work the next day, and the only thing on her mind is her new business venture, Skylab, the fitness boot camp she’s launching to help severely overweight clients.

Jackie: My gym caters to thin actors and models. But I do realize that there is a huge need for a program that addresses overweight clients and people with body image issues. I want to teach them to eat right, cook right and exercise. But most importantly, I want to rehabilitate them emotionally.

One couples counseling session and Jackie’s a therapist now? That is one full-service fitness program.

Jackie interviews candidates to be the first Skylab rats. First up is Meaghan, a reporter for the gossip rag Star Magazine. Meaghan reveals she was too thin for a big part of her life, but now, not so much. She’s having a hard time hiding her “trouble areas” now.

Carol, a student, admits she’s a victim of that epidemic called low self-esteem. Kiki, another student, says she has two not-so-little brothers who, if they see her being proactive about her weight, might see it as a catalyst for change for themselves.

Jackie interviews a lesbian couple named Dina and Amy. Dina (I think) says: “We’re the C.L.’s. We’re the Chubby Lesbians.” Amy giggles a somewhat annoying laugh. Good God, I hope Dina’s not funny, or it’s going to be a long season.

At first I thought Dina said, “We’re the seals.” But I then thought, “You don’t look like Navy commandos, and you’re not so cute you could be calling yourselves only the most adorable animals in the Antarctic.” I really have to get my hearing checked.

Anyway, Dina and Amy want to join Skylab to be sexy for each other. Aw. That’s so great – and rare. For many couples, it’s only about smelling good 24/7 and wearing your best underwear the first year. Five years later, your partner’s clipping their toenails in front of the TV and farting at the kitchen table.

Then there’s Rita, a hotel concierge who gives her fat pet names like “fun pouch,” which is great if you’re a kangaroo, but not so much if you’re a 20-something woman who wants to look hot.

There’s an actor named Floyd who looks just like my girlfriend’s Uncle Jimmy. Floyd wants to look good and live a long life for his new bride, who I assume doesn’t look anything like Aunt Debbie.

Jackie talks to an aesthetician named Laurie who claims to be self-conscious about her looks. I’d believe her if she wasn’t wearing an extremely low-cut top that reveals cleavage so deep and large, it looks like she’s got an ass growing out of her chest.

And then, in walks Tess. Tess was featured last season and touched many people with her warmth and earnest desire to get healthy. Sadly, Tess is even bigger than she was when we met her last season. Due to a knee injury, she stopped working out for six months and man, it took its toll.

Jackie: Have you been heavy all your life?

Tess: [crying] Yes, there’s been a struggle with my weight all my life. Over the past six months, it’s felt like a losing battle because I haven’t been able to be empowered to do something about it. I’ve had to sit on the couch with my knee propped up and watch myself get bigger again.

Jackie feels she’s emotionally invested in Tess more than the others and makes it her mission to help her. I’m excited to watch Tess this season.

In the dunk tank — To get a good analysis of what the trainer will be working with, all the new clients have to go for a hydrostatic weigh-in. What is that, you ask? Well, it’s only all the rage in the industry. Basically, by obtaining your regular weight and your water weight, a special computer can scientifically calculate your body fat as a percentage of your total weight. Pinch-an-inch is so five minutes ago.

To submit to the test, the clients have to don bathing suits and completely submerge themselves in a dunk tank. This is also a good test of how serious these people are about losing weight. At over 200 pounds, you wouldn’t go on national television in a swimsuit unless you were serious, I’m guessing.

Everyone is understandably mortified, but they’re all good sports. Jackie shows some mercy and doesn’t broadcast everyone’s results to the world.

At the gym — Doug is working with his client and friend Don. Don does not need a personal trainer. Don could be a personal trainer. Don claims he’s out of shape, as evidenced by the fact that his bulging arms and perfect abs are nowhere near ready for his 16th triathlon. Holy hell. If this guy’s “out of shape,” I’m Jabba the Hutt.

Jesse is working with a client of his own, but on the other side of the gym. Jesse and Doug aren’t really talking to each other these days. They’ve been up to their nipples in he said/he said drama after they each took offense to what the other said in dueling interviews at the end of last season. It’s been chilly in the gym ever since.

Jesse: Last week, Doug and I had a conflict. Since then, there’s been a lot of tension in the gym between Doug and I. It’s like we’re living this really bad soap opera.

Doug: Jesse and I have had this issue for about eight months. We haven’t really talked. Jesse and I don’t even say “hi.” There’s tension between us. He’s gotten all the trainers involved and they all have an opinion about it. It’s been the talk of the gym.

Drama is alive and well at Sky Sport & Spa.

Even though Jackie eagerly lapped up the gym gossip last week, she’s now had enough and tells Jesse to fix it. When it comes right down to it, you don’t mess with Jackie’s businesses.

My life on the D list — Comedian Kathy Griffin steps off the elevator and into the gym. Awesome. Love her. Kathy is so awesome; Jackie admits she was nervous to meet her.

Kathy lifts her shirt and shows Jackie her very soft, very white underbelly.

Kathy: Have you ever seen a washboard like that … seriously. Ya know, the lesbians are not afraid to be muscle-y. So, Jackie’s nice and muscle-y and sinewy. She seems so sweet and nice and smart, as well as being super hot and sexy.

Kathy, honey, put the shovel down.

Out on the gym floor, Jackie shows Kathy some treadmill tricks. She teaches her to jog on it backward to get a different kind of workout. Kathy almost goes zipping off the belt. They’re both cracking up, and Jackie has to hold Kathy by the hips to keep her from flying right into her face. I hope Jackie has insurance. The treadmill slows to a stop.

Jackie: You took five years off my life.

Kathy: I think you counted too slowly. I think it should be like this. “Ten more … and … four.”

Out on the deck, Kathy’s got boxing gloves on now. Oh, great. Jackie shows her how to jab with the right, jab with the left, and bring both hands up to protect the face in a one-two-three combo. Kathy’s bouncing on her toes (well, sort of) and repeating “protect me, protect me” every time she gets to step three. And she kind of hits like a girl.

Jackie’s not having any of that wimpy crap and tells Kathy to show some rage. Kathy steps it up and it goes all spazzy for a second. “Protect my fortune!” Kathy yells as she covers her face with both gloves. Kathy, you rock.

Next, Jackie tells Kathy to get down and do push-ups on her boxing gloves.

Kathy: Like a boy? What?

Jackie: I’m going to help you.

Kathy: I’m going to fall on my face!

Jackie: No, you’re not. I’m right here.

Kathy: I had a nose job, Jackie, I cannot injure my new nose.

Jackie: Three, squeeze. Four … five …

Kathy: It’s not really a new nose; it’s 5 years old. The point is, it wasn’t cheap, Jackie.

I don’t think Kathy Griffin will be back at Sky Sport & Spa any time soon.

Girls’ Night — Rebecca rings Jackie’s doorbell. She’s wearing a short, leopard-print jacket that screams “stripper fashion show!” Clearly, the girl has taste.

Jackie reveals she’s “opening her door a little bit” to Rebecca, because she’s never really spent quality time with her. Rebecca takes off her faux jacket and hoists her butt up onto Jackie’s kitchen countertop. Classy.

Rebecca: I’m ready to get my swerve on.

Jackie: I’ve never taken you to a lesbian bar, have I?

Rebecca: No. I’m down with that.

Jackie: Really?

Rebecca: I’ve hooked up with a girl …

Here we go. Rebecca launches into her girl hookup story. Straight girls love to brag about their one girl experience, if they’ve had one.

Rebecca: Jackie, I was like a dude with no game! I was like [squeezing imaginary boobs in the air with both hands].

Jackie: Oh, you were?

Rebecca: Oh my God, yeah. I had no game. I didn’t know what to do! I’m so uncomfortable with the female body. Give me a penis, I could do that all day.

Rebecca admits that without her sake buzz, it was less than she’d hoped for. She ended up wigging out and left, probably heading for the nearest Chippendale’s.

Because sharing is caring, Jackie tells Rebecca she was 13 when she had her first experience with a girl. And a boy. Not at the same time, though. Rebecca calls her boss a slut. Jackie admits she was a slut, but a secret slut.

Rebecca counters that she was a tease. She got the boys all worked up and then said, “Can’t touch this.” Apparently, she’s gotten over the parochial ways of her youth, because at the gym, you most certainly can touch this. And that too, if you want.

In the bathroom, Jackie tries on a few outfits for her big night out. Rebecca sits on the edge of the tub watching Jackie jam herself into skin-tight jeans. I’m so over this look. When will the sausage casing look be over? Only 10 percent of the population should be wearing jeans that tight. I have two words for the rest of you: cargo pants.

Jackie finally decides on a tighty-tight pair of black jeans and a white tank. Her faux-hawk fashionably spiked and coiffed, Jackie climbs into a stretch limo with Rebecca, and they head out into the electrified night.

A brush with fame. For everyone else, that is — At the lesbian bar, East/West (which technically is a lesbian bar only one night a week — even in L.A.!), Jackie’s a big celebrity. Upon arrival, she runs into Honey Labrador, whom she introduces to Rebecca. Reality worlds collide! (See, all lesbians do know each other.)

Everyone knows, or wants to know, Jackie Warner. Rebecca suddenly looks very small. She stands in the background looking a little lost. Flirty, wild and attention-hungry Rebecca is reduced to holding Jackie’s purse. (By the way, that purse has got to go. Jackie and a purse are about as natural-looking as Rosie O’Donnell in a dress.)

Rebecca just stands there chomping on her chewing gum, awestruck, watching her boss making the rounds and pressing the flesh. Finally, she’s given something to do: Take a picture of Jackie with two admirers. Make yourself useful, honey. And when you’re done, get me another martooni.

Eventually, the night downshifts a gear, and Jackie and Rebecca are hanging out on a couch. Jackie’s idly applying lip gloss. Someone off-camera says to them, “I think you guys should just make out and have sex and get it over with.” Jackie says “ooh” or “ew” or “who?” Seriously, I’m going deaf. Maybe Bette can teach me sign language?

Turns out, Jackie said “Who?” The instigator off-camera says she meant Jackie and Rebecca. Jackie is weary with the very idea.

Jackie: Ugh, no.

Friend: You’re hanging on her like …

Jackie: That’s ’cause she’s flirty.

Jackie reaches over and starts painting lip gloss on Rebecca’s pouty, waiting lips. Who’s flirty?

Jackie: I wouldn’t do that with Rebecca. She’s like a little sister.

Rebecca: Seriously?

Jackie: It’s the truth.

Rebecca: Shut up. You know you want to do me.

Jackie: I don’t want to do you. [to her friend] I really don’t want to do her. No, I don’t.

The lesbian doth protest too much, methinks. Heh.

Rebecca’s ego is hurt. Straight girls may not want to sleep with you, but they get five kinds of insulted if you don’t want to sleep with them. Am I right?

The sobering light of day — The next day, Jackie holds a staff meeting to assign each Skylab client to a trainer. She also reveals each client’s body fat results. So much for tender mercies.

Meaghan has 27.8 percent body fat. Erika gets her. Laurie, the ass-chest girl, has 49.3 percent body fat, and she’s all Doug’s. The C.L.’s, Dina and Amy, both have body fat in the 30 percent range and pull Jesse as their trainer. Carol also has a 49.3 score, and Zen is given the task of getting that number down. Way down.

Kiki doesn’t have a score because she refused to go in the tank. That said, she looks like a low 40 percent to me (because I’m an expert now), and Andre gets to work with that.

Floyd is already Brian’s client, so nothing to report there. At 5 feet, 1 inch and 136 pounds, Rita is a 33.2 percent client. She wants to feel sexy, so who better to train her than Rebecca?

Tess lost all the progress she made last year and is up to 42.2 percent body fat. Tess gets a fresh start with the new guy, Gregg.

Then, Jackie drops a bomb. A water bomb. All the trainers are going to do the body fat hydrostatic test themselves. For some reason, no one wants to do it. If I had Erika’s or Rebecca’s body, not only would I do the test, I’d put my score on a billboard. Want to know your score? Go here. Depressed now?

In the mobile testing truck, Erika’s chosen a sensible one-piece Speedo for her immersion. Rebecca, predictably, is wearing a thong. Jesse doesn’t look very buff. Andre and Gregg stand with their arms folded across their humongous pecs. Gregg’s got something else that’s humongous, because when the tester tells him to squeeze the giant air pocket out of his shorts, he reports that it’s not air. Zen smiles knowingly.

Erika complains that she just ate a turkey sandwich before the test and looks “two months pregnant.” God, she’s such a heifer. Brian’s overjoyed that Jesse has to get his “fat ass” in the water.

Jackie puts it in perspective when she says over 65 percent of the American population has over 30 percent body fat. Without further ado, here are the percentage results of the Sky Sport & Spa trainers. Now you have one more reason to hate them.

Erika: 13.4

Zen: 18.2

Rebecca: 13.1

Doug: 10.4

Andre: 10.6

Gregg: 10.1

Brian: 8.6 (Wha?!?)

Jesse: 21.3 (Have another donut, princess.)

I’m as shocked as Jackie is by Brian’s score. Doug looks much leaner than Brian does. And what about all that fat in Brian’s head? I’m starting to think this test is a bunch of hooey.

Supermodels in da house — Brian has a session with his client, model Joanna Krupa. She’s done Maxim and GQ. Playboy named her Sexiest Swimsuit Model. Joanna feels her body changing, and she’s there to nip it in the bud. Maybe models aren’t so dumb after all, because that’s the way to do it. Why wait until you’re asking the stewardess for the seat belt extension?

Hardcore Brian has to tone down his workout methods for Joanna because she’s such a girl. She’s lightly hopping around, but she’s all “Phew! This is hard!” Joanna does some curls with weights about the size of DVDs.

Brian: We are finisto right now.

Joanna: Finished?

Brian: Yeah.

Don’t be making up foreign words, Brian. It confuses the models.

Rebecca has her own model: Playboy playmate Victoria Fuller. Rebecca and Victoria met when they were both on The Amazing Race. Victoria had a baby and went from being a supermodel to a soccer mom just like that. Rebecca’s going to whip her back into runway form.

Rebecca spanks Victoria because she was late – or maybe it’s just for the hell of it. Rebecca tells Victoria about her big night out with Jackie.

Rebecca: She is like Tom Cruise in the gay world. I swear to God, it was like “Jackiieee!” And I’m like the girl who’s like the bag-holder in the background. … She’s a sexy lady. Have you ever been with a girl?

Victoria: Uh, yeah.

Rebecca: Who? Do I know her?

Victoria: Yeah, maybe, I don’t know.

Rebecca: Well, now you’ve sparked my interest. Who could it be?

But Victoria doesn’t eagerly launch into her hookup tale. She’s incredibly blasé about it, as a matter of fact.

Rebecca: And full-on hooked up? [Bleeped] and everything?

Victoria: No. We like dated for four months.

Rebecca: What?

Victoria shrugs but Rebecca is speechless — her eyes are bugging right out of her head. She insists on getting the full scoop.

Victoria : Her boyfriend got in the way.

Rebecca: [incredulously] Her boyfriend got in the way?

Victoria: Yeah, he was jealous.

Rebecca: [long, open-mouthed silence] But … hold on. You were in a relationship with a female for four months, and she had a boyfriend?

Victoria: Yeah.

Rebecca: And he came between y’all?

Victoria: Well, he didn’t like it.

Yeah, the boyfriends rarely like it when you date their girlfriends … and do everything better than they do. But in the end, they usually win anyway. It’s not fair, but that’s life. I think it’s the straight girls who lose.

House party — Jackie throws a house party for her friends and staff to show them her new digs. It’s not exactly a house-warming party; at least, I don’t think so. Everybody walks in empty-handed. Maybe Jackie’s friends are just cheap? I always bring something. How else am I supposed to get rid of the cheap wine and fugly dish towels that other people give me?

Rebecca’s still got her coat on when she announces she’s wearing a bra because — call her kooky — she doesn’t want the world to see her nipples.

Jackie gives Rebecca, Erika and Zen the nickel tour of her new house. In the bedroom, Jackie spouts the virtues of upgrading to a king-size bed. Rebecca feels right at home and sprawls out on the comforter. She decides she’d date Jackie just to sleep in her comfy new bed.

Brian and Andre show up with a tub of beer. Jackie gently tells them she has a bartender. Hey, at least they brought something, even if it is a little hillbilly-ish. At least they didn’t roll a keg into the house.

The party’s in full swing. Jackie’s doling out the shots. Someone’s feeding the dogs prosciutto or something. Jesse exclaims no one parties harder than trainers. All week long, they’re concentrating on food and fitness, but come Saturday night, it’s carb overload and tequila shooters until someone pukes.

I’m single. Pass it on — Jackie reminds everyone in a big announcement that she’s single. Subtle. Her new motto is: “No drama. No hardship. No promises.” No drama. Right. That’s like Paris Hilton saying, “No cameras.”

A tall woman with frizzy hair picks up on Jackie’s announcement. Jackie’s friends think she’s wearing too much makeup and her hair is weird. She’s also got breast implants, for sure. Ever feel breast implants? They’re hard. Boob job is hanging all over Jackie.

But hey, Jackie’s not looking for a love connection. When she’s drinking, Jackie will flirt with anything with a uterus.

Clearing the air — Doug and Jesse haven’t talked to each other all night. Finally, Jesse asks Doug to go out back with him to talk. Doug suddenly doesn’t want to, even though he’s been more upset about their tiff all along.

Jesse persists, and he and Doug finally sit down to talk. Jesse apologizes (finally) and wants to go back to how things were. Doug says he’s sorry too. Doug looks like he’s going to cry. Again.

Jesse: Don’t cry. Don’t cry on my behalf.

Doug: Wanna go home with me?

Jesse: No.

Doug: I’m flirting with you. C’mon. I’m just joking, jeez.

Jesse: No.

Doug: OK, wait. Are you a top or a bottom?

Doug is a little weird.

Meanwhile, back in the house, Jackie is complaining she needs a spotter to help her with her workouts. Brian offers for Jackie to “come on over to Peelerville.” Jackie rolls her eyes and says she’d rather train with a “real” body builder. The gauntlet has been thrown.

Brian: What’s your body going to be when it grows up?

The group gasps.

Jackie: [to everyone] No, it’s OK. I’ve like only built my whole empire and hired you [pointing to Brian] on my body.

Ooh. Snap.

Jackie: You’re basically riding on my f—ing abs.

Brian: My talent has nothing to do with your body.

Jackie: Your job has to do with my abs.

Why don’t you two just whip ’em out? I’ll get a tape measure.

Brian drags poor Andre outside to listen to his anti-Jackie rant. It looks like they’re standing by the garbage cans. Brian goes off on how he doesn’t need Jackie to make him or break him. But the real reason he’s fuming is that she belittled him in front of strangers.

Brian: Don’t make me look like a fool. I’m brilliant. I know what I do. It’s like I always say, “These hands are like the hands of Michelangelo.” And the f—ing work. They can make a masterpiece out of everything they f—ing touch.

Andre keeps looking for a way out, but he’s blocked by a fence. The area is too small for Brian and his ego.

Brian works himself into such a froth that he walks out of the party. Mr. Sensitive, Doug, tries to get Brian to come back into the house, but Brian keeps walking down the street and disappears around the corner.

Back inside, Jackie’s flirting with Rebecca in full view of the other trainers, because there isn’t enough drama at the gym.

Jackie keeps saying she doesn’t see Rebecca “that way,” but she says it as she wraps her arms around her. Jackie’s also fond of lifting Rebecca up off the floor every now and then. Rebecca rests her head in the cozy spot under Jackie’s neck. Zen and Andre look scandalized.

Jackie has her arms completely enveloping Rebecca when she says she wouldn’t dream of “it” because Rebecca works for her, and she’s a good girl. Jackie’s friend adds, “And she’s straight.”

Oh yeah. There’s that too, huh? These two are so going to hook up. If it’s the worst possible choice, Jackie will make it.

Next week on Work Out: A bunch of stuff happens, I think. All I can see is Jackie making out with Rebecca. Oh, my eyes.

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