Look me in the eyes and tell me the last two minutes of last night’s Pretty Little Liars isn’t exactly what you’ve been waiting for since the day Serena van der Woodsen confessed to having a coked-out threesome with Georgina Sparks and murdering a dude. Remember where you were when that happened? When Serena’s eyeliner went, “I killed someone.” And the Gossip Girl music went even more mental than normal? And you were like, “That just happened!” But also you were sad because you knew nothing like that was ever going to happen on TV again. Well, you guys, it did! It did happen! Rosewood, PA – Pop. 7,988 7,987.
Let’s do it like we do it.
Aria has been holed up in her house in her pajamas for many, many days (or as I like to call it: Aria is practicing to become a freelance writer), but Homecoming is just around the corner and no teenager should be allowed to escape the trauma inflicted upon her by a formal dance. So the PLLs rally around and say things like, “Stop moping just because your parents are destroying the only sense of stability you’ve ever known!” And, “Who cares if your dad slept with Jody Sawyer from Center Stage and also possibly your dead best friend?” Aria only pretends to care that her dad f–ked the dead girl (Naomi! Zing!); what she’s really upset about is her fight with Gilbert Blythe.
Spencer is like, “You can win a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA at the dance.” Aria protests that she doesn’t have a date. Emily mentions that she also doesn’t have a date. Naturally, as teenage girls who travel in gaggles are wont to do, someone says Aria could accompany Emily to the dance as her lady friend. Having never spoken to someone who has attended a formal dance – or watched any prom movie, like, ever – Aria doesn’t understand that it is a common practice for single friends to go to dances together. Aria says she’s “not Samantha Ronson” and Emily gets shifty because, much like Samantha Ronson, she may have watched the stripper scenes in I Know Who Killed Me more than once.
Hanna saw the photos of Emily and Maya kissing, remember, and she’s totally awesome about the whole thing. She’s all, “I’m starving; let’s eat. And also, I think anyone should be able to bring anyone they like to the dance because the heart wants what the heart wants.”
Emily is like, “That is a good point, Hanna! I’m going to call and ask someone after all! Does anyone know if vampires use telephones?”
Hanna cracks open a fortune cookie that came with their Chinese takeout. There is a custom-made fortune inside and lo! “A” has truly out-Gossip Girled herself this time: “Lions and tigers and bitches, oh my! There’s no place like Homecoming.”
Tell us about it D. Lopez:
We honor you, “A.” We honor you.
At school, the PLLs catch a glimpse of Boo Radley van Cullen’s skin and notice that he has a tattoo that says “901 Free.” They throw their hands in the air and run around and squeal and hop up and down and fall on the floor and scream about how sinister it is.
Hanna is going with Ken Doll to Homecoming, but first they have to go to their Real Love Waits meeting where some truly effective role play is going down. One guy and one girl stand in the middle of the circle of trust, and the girl goes, “I am a whore because I want to make monkey. Let’s do that now.” And the guy has to rebuff her, like, “Jesus doesn’t want us to make monkey until we are legally betrothed.”
Hanna gets dragged into role play with Lucas the Ugly Duckling. She’s like, “Blah blah want to do me right?” And Lucas the Ugly Duckling explains to the teacher that his virginity might as well be guarded by Yu-Gi-Oh’s mythic five-headed dragon because no one as hot as Hanna is ever going to proposition him. The teacher tells them to try again. Hanna says, “So, sex. Do you-” And Lucas the Ugly Duckling goes, “YES!”
Spencer has asked Alex the Country Club Serf to the dance and she wonders if maybe she should rig the raffle so he can win the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA because is a pauper. He shows up at the party planning committee and tells Spencer he wants to buy a new suit to match her dress, and she’s like, “Don’t be silly. I know you are poor. The burlap pants and shirt you wear to public school will be just fine.” You know what else is weird about public school, apparently? They don’t teach you about personal space. Alex is all in Spencer’s bubble and then he pulls a stack of Jacksons from his pocket and reaches around and gropes Spencer’s ass to transfer some funds.
Deadria101 said what we were all thinking.
Boo Radley van Cullen has procured himself some tickets to ball as well, and he asks the Lady Emily to accompany him. She’s like, “Don’t emo boys just sit in their rooms and draw comics and listen to The Smiths?” And he’s like, “Yes. But also they like to get laid.” So she agrees to go with him.
Hanna continues her awesome streak by telling Maya that Emily really wants to go to Homecoming with her. Maya is like, “Really? Good. It’s been a while since I slayed a vampire.”
At the dance, the camera lingers over the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA and the students are like, “OMG! Look at that BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA!” And Spencer’s sister shows up and goes, “I am the former Queen, come to crown one of my minions as the new Que- JFC, is that a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA?”
And it is. So it is. A BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA.
Also beautiful? Mr. Gilbert Blythe, who gets stuck working the bean bag toss with Aria. They have officially stopped trying to hide their relationship. How else does one explain the volume and the very public locations at which and in which they discuss their unquenchable feelings for one another? No one cares about their sex-scandal though. And who can blame them? For in this very room, there is a boy with an alphanumeric tattoo. Also there is a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA.
Maya shows up at the dance and sees Emily with Boo Radley van Cullen. As I mentioned previously, Maya is not entirely unfamiliar with the concept of someone getting all up in her nut and crackin’ it. Unlike the vampire slayer (or even the hip-hop diva) of yore, however, Maya decides to go the actual teenage girl route with this one: She walks to the corner of the dance floor and cries. (My sister spent two entire proms crying in the bathroom. I spent two entire proms going, “You know what would be better than this dress and these tiny finger foods? Jeans and a giant f-cking cheeseburger.”)
The PLLs pull Emily aside and are like, “Explain how it’s OK that you brought the guy who watched us open up a flamethrower on his sister’s head.” Emily is like, “Hanna said I could bring whomever I wanted! It’s like the rules of feminism!” Hanna pulls her aside and says, “I said you could bring a lesbian, not a vampire!”
Emily marches right over to Maya’s crying corner and demands to know what Maya told Hanna about them. Maya insists she didn’t say anything, and Emily is like, “Hanna just said she knows what I am, and I told her to say it, out loud. And she said, ‘gaymo.’ She knows!” Maya says Hanna is the one who invited her, and stop dodging the real issue. Emily doesn’t know what the real issue is because she hasn’t been schooled just yet in Lesbianism 101. Maya gives her the Cliff’s notes version: “We need to talk about our FEELINGS.”
Maya says if Emily can look her in the eye and say she doesn’t want her like whoa, she’ll walk away. Emily cannot.
Man. I was all set for Maya to be “A,” but she’s being so super sweet to Emily that I don’t want that anymore. I love sweet. I am sweet. I am hopelessly attracted to people who are sweet – but damn, I want to see Bianca Lawson get feisty. Like unstrap that jazz guitar from her back and whack it into some slaying stakes feisty. Like team up with the Quileute tribe feisty.
Hanna decides she has to break into JennaBot’s therapist’s office right this second to get the proof that Boo Radley van Cullen is evil. Lucas the Ugly Duckling gives her a ride to the doctor’s office. Meanwhile, Mr. Gilbert Blythe sees Aria dancing and having herself a good ol’ time with someone her own age. And Spencer and Alex pay a visit to Professor Trelawney, who tells them in no uncertain terms that The Grim will be claiming Emily’s life within the next half hour.
I think this is a perfect time to give you M. Novobilsky‘s Tweet of the week.
In the middle of the teenage shenanigans and Carnivale commotion, JennaBot sits and registers every sound, every smell. The day is coming and she knows it. She repeats the prophecy to herself: One fortune cookie to rule them all, one fortune cookie to bind them. One fortune cookie to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.
Boo Radley van Cullen convinces Emily to go to with him, all alone, to his dark, dank lair chemistry lab. Once they’re inside, he wonders if she really wants to be at the dance with Maya. She says that maybe she does. And then she’s like, “Why are you so nice to me? You are aware, are you not, that my friends and I tried to snuff your sister?” He closes the door and says, “We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of.”
Hanna returns with the file. The PLLs are shocked. (Shocked!) It wasn’t JennaBot who was seeing the therapist; it was Boo Radley van Cullen! The therapist only wanted to make sure JennaBot was OK with Boo Radley van Cullen moving back home because of how they used to shag one another. The PLLs are like, “Sweet baby cyborg, Boo was bonking a robot!” They realize that his tattoo (901 Free) means that he killed Alison on September first, which means he was free of her. She alone knew of his bionic dalliances!
They try to call Emily, but she doesn’t answer. Aria texts her instead: “Boo killed Alison! We have proof!” Emily reads the text while Boo Radley van Cullen draws closer and closer. He’s trying to tell her something, and, well, she just ain’t hearin’ it! She shoves him into a rack of beakers and makes a run for it. He chases after her. She runs through the house of mirrors thinking that she’s going to die before she ever even sees Maya naked. Boo reaches for Emily. Emily trips.
And somewhere on the outskirts of town, a gloved hand spray paints over the population signs. 7,988 Rosewoodians? No, my friends. 7,987.
