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“True Blood” mini-cap 3.3: “It Hurts Me, Too”

When we last saw Sookie, she was pointing a gun at a werewolf. She shoots but Eric takes the bullet so he can find out who the were works for. The wolf-turned-naked-man wants Eric’s V and starts to eat him and then escape. But Sookie shoots again and gets him down for Eric to pounce. He still won’t tell who sent him, but Sookie reads his mind: “Jackson.” Eric doesn’t know this, but gets pissed enough to kill the dude anyway. Pompous ass! Lucky for him Sookie’s got talent.

Naked man butt count: 1.

In Mississippi, Lorena is getting her flames put out by Talbot and the King. There are some puns about “cooler heads prevailing” before the King scolds Bill for setting Lorena on fire. “I suggest you learn to get along. Bill tells the King Lorena has her own motives for wanting him to stick around the state. The King is well aware: “Did you know she wanted me to make you watch as she killed your human?” Save our Sookie!

The King wants to know why Bill won’t turn Sookie so they can spend eternity together. “That’s commitment!” Then he threatens to hurt her himself if Bill doesn’t do what he wants. Why is Sookie the pawn in everyone’s game? That girl was better off when she was living with her Gran and ignoring Sam’s advances at Merlotte’s.

Eric is burying the werewolf’s body and Sookie scolds him for the murder. Eric tells her that the werewolves can get very strong if they drink V, making them a bigger challenge to deal with. He looks real serious about it, so you know you have to trust him. And then he tells Sookie his bullet wound would have healed a lot faster if she would have let him drink her blood. Defiant Sookie: “I will never fall for that again.” That is what makes her have sex dreams about him and that’s too much for her to handle already. What would be next on the list? Acting on it? I’m pretty sure that’s coming anyway.

Sookie tells Eric what she heard inside the were’s mind. Eric says that Jackson is where the were is from. She wonders if that’s where Bill is. “Eric, we have to go, like, yesterday!” Eric says he has bigger problems to deal with but that Sookie needs protection if she wants to go. He tells her to take the day to think it over so Sookie says she’ll sleep on it. Eric dramatically tells her to stay out of trouble.

Tara is totally getting it on with Franklin, the new British vampire in town. It actually looks kind of painful and she asks him to bite her, but he won’t because she “wants him to.” Typical.

Post-coital conversation includes why they had to go to a motel room. “Don’t ya’ll sleep in the ground?” Tara asks. She said she’s only done this once before and when Franklin wants to know more about her personal life, she gets nervous and starts putting her clothes back on, refusing to give him her name.

Sam is now fully-clothed and stops by his parents’ house, where his dad is in his skivvies and oddly has his hand on his son’s kneecap. It seems like they are very close, and might give us some insight as to why Tommy hates life.

“I don’t appreciate you trying to get me killed,” Sam says to Tommy. “I figured since we’re related you could keep up,” Tommy retorts. Sam’s mom wants him to stay the night but he needs to get back to Bon Temps. She gets upset that her husband is drinking and tells him to stop. He tells Sam not to get married because as soon as you, “That’s when they start to woman ya.” No, actually, I will woman you any time I please and so may your wife, sir. We don’t need to be married.

Sam tells Tommy to take care of his mama and splits.

Jason has a great new idea: He wants to become a deputy. He saw his destiny when he helped Andy nail the drug dealer. He has Hoyt read him practice questions from the police exam he’ll have to take. He skips every one and Hoyt interrupts to say Jessica thinks they can’t be together. Jason has had a lot of experience with women, so he gives Hoyt some advice: “They just can’t handle the heat you’re packin.’ The only thing to do is move on to one that can.”

Jason’s good looks get him by a lot, but it won’t get Hoyt another chance with Jessica and it certainly won’t help him pass his test.

Cue the lesbian sex scene!

Yvetta is being serviced on the desk at Fangtasia. As the phone rings, Pam appears from in between Yvetta’s legs and picks up the receiver. “Fangtasia, this better be good.”

Jessica is on the other end and says so sweetly, “Well hi. It’s Jessica Hamby. We talked yesterday -” Pam cuts her off, impatiently. “Spit it out, cupcake. I’m in the middle of something.” Yvetta is also impatient behind her.

Jessica explains her plight: The dead body is missing. Pam: “So the problem you have is that there is no dead body in your house? Doesn’t sound like a problem to me. Gotta run.” She puts the phone down. “Babies, they’re all the same. Now, where were we? Oh right. Lie back, sweetheart, and think of Estonia.” Cue Yvetta’s eyes rolling back in her head again.

Thank you, Alan Ball. I think we can finally establish that Yvetta is the third sexually fluid character on True Blood now. We’ll take her!

Sam is finally back at work and Sookie explains she is taking some time off to go to Jackson. She asks for him to keep an eye on Jessica. “How?” Sam asks. “I don’t know, give her a job?” Sam’s eyes bug out of his head and Sookie says she’s kidding. “Can you imagine? Arlene would freak!” Seriously – only one redhead per bar. Them’s the rules in these parts.

Speaking of Arlene, she’s getting an ultrasound and she hears some bad news: It’s at least nine-weeks along – maybe 10. This means it is most likely the baby of Renee (psycho serial killer from Season 1). Oh s–t.

Tara is behind the bar at Merlotte’s and gets a call that Egg’s funeral is happening. She rushes to the cemetary and finds no mourners there. She’s the only one to remember him – until Sookie steps out from behind a tree. Why the hell was she hiding? It’s not like Tara was going to see her and go “Aw hell no!” Sookie might have helped Eggs remember he was a murderer, but Tara will forgive her someday – especially since Sookie paid for the casket.

We travel back in time, suddenly, to the 1800s when Bill returns to visit his wife and children after having gone missing. He, of course, is a vampire now, but his wife doesn’t know it at first. It’s been three years! Her name is Caroline, and it just doesn’t have the same ring to it that “Sookeh” does.

His son, Thomas, died from the pox and he is laid to rest in their living room. Their daughter has been sent to Tennessee in order to stay quarantined. This is so sad it makes Bill cry – tears of blood!

Caroline freaks out. “Are you afflicted?” She shoots him and learns vampires are pretty quick to repair themselves. She freaks out yet again.

And then, like a good neighbor, Lorena is there. She wants to kill Caroline, who says she wants to die anyway, now. “I can’t bear this anymore!” I bet that together they were the most dramatic couple ever, with their own soliloquies and overabundance of emotion. I smell a spin-off.

Bill wakes up – it was just a dream. Since it was in the 1800s, it’s fair to assume she’s definitely dead by now anyway.

Someone else is dreaming, too: Jason showed up for his exam without pants on. When he goes to turn his jibberish-looking paper in, we get a glimpse of his ass and his classmates laughing at him.

Naked man-butt count: 2.

Lafayette wakes him up. They’re at work and Jason had dozed off in his truck. They hear Hoyt screaming from the ditch he’s working in: There’s a headless body in it. It’s Jessica’s missing body, but nobody there knows it. The sheriff quits, upset that there are dead bodies showing up all over the place. This might be Jason’s time after all!

Sookie is trying to clean the were blood off her porch when she hears someone coming behind her. He’s thinking “This must be her.” She runs inside and he follows, telling her Eric sent him. “I’m Alcide. I’m going to look after you.”

Alcide tests Sookie’s mind-reading by asking her questions in his head. She answers them matter-of-factly while sipping some tea. She sure showed him.

Alcide shares that he is in debt to Eric for helping his dad out with a loan. He also tells her knows the pack she’ll be up against in Jackson. His ex is “banging” their leader. Ouch.

Bill’s back to dreaming: He glamours Caroline, making her forget he was ever there. “Go on, you brought this upon her,” Lorena says, adding he cannot see her again – ever. She’s always been in control of Bill. No wonder she’s anti-Sookie.

Cooter is back, explaining how no werewolf has been able to bring Sookie back to the King.

Talbot offers him a Zima. He is not into this idea at all. Maybe he’s jealous of Cooter’s name.

Lorena says she knows Eric is watching over Sookie, which is why the weres haven’t been able to capture her yet. Bill arrives and announces he is no longer working for Sophie-Ann. The King is now his king. Pleased, the King says he no longer needs “the girl,” aka stop the Search for Sookie. Lorena is not excited about this but the King cares more about Bill than Lorena’s happiness.

Sam’s family pays him a visit at Merlotte’s. He’s not psyched but tries to be hospitable. Jason is there, too, talking to Tara, who doesn’t know he’s the one that shot and killed Eggs. He sees a bullet wound in her head and has to leave. This is becoming too common.

Arlene tells Terry, “I got me a baby comin’!” Terry is so psyched that she just can’t tell him it’s probably not his baby. “I never dreamed in my life I could be so happy,” he says, pulling her into an embrace. You just know this is going to end badly.

Sam wants his underage brother to stop drinking. He doesn’t want to lose his liquor license, and he also doesn’t like that his dad is a drunk and feeding his 19-year-old son shots. Sam’s mom makes them leave. She’s the only sane one. “Don’t take it personal, Sam. I don’t want to embarrass ourselves more than we already have.” She needs to go home and woman the hell out of the both of them.

Eric pulls up outside Lafayette’s, honking for him to come outside. Lafayette, clad in a silk robe, begins to explain he’s moving as much V as he can. Eric says he needs to relax: “Pam is under a lot of pressure.” Then he offers him the car for one dollar – “to avoid that pesky gift tax.”

Lafeyette is skeptical but Eric explains why he needs him. Lafayette has loyal customers and he’s discreet. He’s helpful to Eric and Pam, and so he wins a car. He didn’t even have to go on Oprah.

Franklin shows up to Jessica’s and they have a fang-off. Jessica hates not knowing all the vamp rules, like vampires being allowed to walk in uninvited to another vampires’ house.

Franklin wants the dirt on Bill Compton. But to get it, he shows her the head of the guy she killed.

She jumps up on top of the couch, trying to pretend she was just scared because it’s a severed head. “Stop! Put it down.” Franklin lets it drop onto the floor. “Now why don’t you tell me everything you know about Bill Compton?” What does he seriously want to know though – “Bill wears his hair with a part down the middle and enjoys B positive blood?”

Sam wakes up in the middle of the night to find his brother has sneaked into his office and then flown off as a hawk. What was he looking for? Sam’s birth certificate? Another free drink?

Sookie and Alcide go to Lupine’s, the oldest were bar in Mississippi. She feels out of place in the leather-clad bar. She’s wearing white lace.

Alcide tells her she has to walk around on her own or no one will talk to her. He will be with “his guys.”

“Hey boys! Oh my god, I am so stupid! I let my wallet in the car but I’m parched. Would any of you mind buying a girl a cosmo?”

Some burly guy calls her cream puff and stupid, so she tells them she’s been to places much tougher than Lupine’s – like the vampire bar Fangtasia. One she brings up how tough vamps are, one ugly ass were dude starts thinking about how he “kicked the s–t out of one a few nights ago.” Ding ding ding!

She begins to read his mind about Bill and takes him in private. “So you know a vampire? Can you take me to him?” The guy wants to know if she is looking for a threesome and starts to attack her.

She screams and Alcide rushes in to get the guy off her back. The fight carries out into the bar’s main room where the patrons have to help break it up. The bouncer kicks the nasty were out and tells Alcide, “Come on, man. She’s not worth it.” Thinking he’s referring to Sookie, Alcide says, “I barely even know her.” “I mean Debbie,” the bouncer says. He tells her Debbie is getting engaged – to Cooter!

Cooter ruins lives.

Franklin shows up at Tara’s. “Who told you my name?” she asked. He says he met an irritating baby vamp earlier that night who gave him all the information he needed to know. He tries to invite himself in but Tara refuses. So he glamours her, sounding a little like David Bowie in Labyrinth. He goes inside, probably to use the black light on Sookie’s bed.

Lorena and Bill are alone in his room. She calls Sookie a “ridiculous waitress.” He starts getting riled up. She’s the one that took away his freedom, his home, his “humanity.” He says he’ll never love her and she lays a kiss on him. And then she says “Make love to me,” and while he shouts “Never, I will never,” he starts, um, making love to her. He also turns her head all the way around so he doesn’t have to see her face.” She enjoys this and he screams. Intense!

Seriously, a WTF moment. Sookie is now free to sleep with Alcide or Eric. That’s how it works in the land of television – cheating seems to be OK if it’s on both ends. And Bon Temps is a scandalous place anyway. I mean, Arelene is going to have Renee’s baby? Tara is a fang banger? It’s getting cray cray in Louisiana. Bill doesn’t know what he’s missing.

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