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The Best and Worst of “The L Word” Season 4

It seems like just yesterday that Season 4 of The L Word was beginning, but here we are once again at season’s end. To stave off incipient withdrawal, we thought we’d take a look back at this season with some of the best – and worst – moments to befall Alice, Bette, Shane, Kit, Jenny and their assorted lovers over the past 12 episodes.

Best Plot Development: Tina has second thoughts about living in Boys Town.

Yay! Come back, Tina, all is forgiven. We, the viewers who felt betrayed, dismayed or waylaid when Tina left hot-and-cool Bette for safe-and-dull Henry felt a rush of hope when Tina confided in Bette she missed being a part of “something so secret and special.” Assuming she was referring to the lesbian community and not Opus Dei or the CIA, Tina has clearly decided she’s had her fill of clueless straight friends, mind-numbing suburban ways and Henry’s toenail grooming habits.

But who knows what any of this really means? Tina’s always been a bitch to her whims. She left her boyfriend Eric to be with Bette. She hooked up with Helena when she and Bette were on a break. She flirted with that male film director while she was on location. She upended her life to be with Henry. She was in the early stages of lust with Annabella Sciorra’s narcissistic director, Kate Arden. Now she wants Bette back. Tina gets around. Forget Shane; Tina’s the player. At least now it looks like she’s playing for our team again.

Worst Plot Development: Tasha gets shipped back out to Iraq.

Alice can’t catch a break – her best love interests all leave town. Lara took off for a job in San Francisco. Dana left these earthly bounds altogether. And now Tasha’s chosen to defend her country over living in it with Alice.

Tasha brings a stabilizing calm to a sometimes coo-coo-for-Coco-puffs Alice. And even though Tasha has more baggage than Madonna on holiday – and I don’t think quirky, warm, funny Alice should ever be admonished for innocent PDA or have her best quips met with a thousand-yard stare – Alice and Tasha have more chemistry than any other couple this season. (Is it me or does Shane always look like she’s in danger of being crushed to death by Paige?) Alice deserves to be happy for a while without having the rug pulled out from under her.

Worst Retort: Jenny to no one in particular after her book got panned by magazine writer Stacy Merkin: “F— you, Stacy Merkin!”

Jenny’s supposed to be a wordsmith, and that’s the best comeback she can muster for a bad book review? Maybe Some of Her Parts does suck.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a well-deserved “f— you” when said with real gusto. My mother used to say swearing was for inarticulate, unimaginative people, but I think that was her way of shaming my sister and me into keeping it clean. Her favorite saying when I was a kid was “Don’t give me your malarkey.” When I was about seven, I realized “malarkey” meant bulls—.

Best Retort: Alice to Jenny after Jenny likened her writing to Monet’s paintings.

The scene: At Shane’s place, Alice and Jenny are talking about Jenny’s story, “Lez Girls,” and Alice snipes at Jenny for thinly fictionalizing her friends’ lives in her story. Jenny claims she was merely inspired by real life.

Jenny: Just a second. You guys … [cupping her ear] do you … do you hear that?

Alice and Shane: [staring, waiting]

Jenny: Oh, my God, it’s Monet. Monet has come back from the dead and he wants me to give you a message. He says, “I am so sorry for sitting in front of my pond in France and sketching those water lilies and using the water lilies as actual inspiration. Sorry to offend, Alice .”

Alice : Right, right. Oh, wait, he’s talking to me! So weird. Huh? [listening] What? OK, I’ll tell her. He said don’t ever f—ing compare yourself to him.

Has anyone forgotten that Alice is also a writer? If you had, let that be a reminder.

Speaking of swearing with gusto, second place would have to go to Kit. When Pam Grier lets the M.F. bombs fly, it makes me cheer. “You’ve got to be out of your motherf—ing mind, motherf—er!” or “F— you, you motherf—ing liar!” Even my mom would approve.

Best Hair: Shane.

I know, I know. She always looks like she just woke up or stuck her finger in an electrical socket. It hangs in her eyes. It looks a little stiff to the touch. But still, Shane’s hair rocks out. For some reason this season, everyone else’s hair looks like they just stepped out of a ’50s sitcom, which has never been a favorite look of mine. I’m not a big fan of bouncy, flouncy hair with swoopy bangs. Shane remains hot.

Worst Hair: Max’s stupid soul patch.

Ivan Aycock had more convincing man hair. I know regular girls who have more ‘stache than ol’ Max. And this may be off-topic, but how is it that Max has enough testosterone in him by now to (sort of) grow facial hair, but his voice is still somewhere in the soprano range? Would it kill Daniela Sea to lower her voice a little? Honestly.

Best Friend: Alice.

Time and again, Alice has proven to be the best friend a lesbian could ever have. If she’s not teaching Helena the intricacies of public transportation and how to buy shoes that don’t cost $14,000, or defending the entire gang in the face unflattering portrayals in Jenny’s New Yorker short story, Alice is performing mercy lays and classes in Introduction to Lesbian Life for newbies like Phyllis.

But the ultimate act of unwavering support this year was Alice vandalizing Shane’s Hugo Boss billboard. Nothing says “I love you, sister” like spray-painting a big penis on your friend’s advertisement.

Worst Friend: Jenny.

Jenny gives writers a bad name. Not all writers use everything their friends do and say as fodder for “fiction” as blatantly as Jennifer Schecter. But Jenny has always been all about Jenny, so are we really surprised? Anyone who would use a poor, sick dog as part of a maniacal scheme to exact revenge on a book reviewer is not a good person. And yet, I like Jenny. I can’t explain it, I just do. But I may be confusing her with Mia Kirshner.

Best Fashion Trend: Big machines.

I don’t know jack about fashion, but even I know that the best of this season was not that endless stream of fugly shirts Bette wore. Good fashion should be alluring, hot and intriguing. Therefore, I’m going with big machines as the must-have fashion accessories of the year. Papi seduced Alice in her shiny, phallic limo. Tasha’s got a fast-and-furious motorcycle. She also used an AH-64 Apache helicopter to impress Alice. Talk about good accessorizing.

Worst Fashion Trend: All those silly hats.

The hats did, however, help to hide the aforementioned bouncy, flouncy hair with swoopy bangs. Why was everyone wearing a hat this year? You know it’s bad when even Shane gets in on the chapeau trend.

Best Five-Second Guest-bian: Erin Daniels.

Alice sees dead people and we’re over the moon about it. Dana the Friendly Ghost comes back (in Alice’s mind) and her first line is, “Well f— you too.” Actually, Dana’s there to give Alice a good talking to about saying good-bye to Tasha while she has the chance, because we never know how long anything is going to last, we never know what can happen. One day you’re on a hit TV show and the next, you’re getting cut in the name of breast cancer awareness, for instance. But hey, I don’t care if she’s there to change the oil in Alice’s Mini Cooper. I’m just glad to lay eyes on Dana, even if it’s only for a few minutes.

Worst Five-Second Guest-bian: Karina Lombard.

Marina showed up in two episodes for no apparent reason whatsoever. First, Marina blew back into town, stole Jenny’s thunder at her book party, and then blew out of town just as quickly, taking Jenny’s latest Euro paramour, Claude, with her. They call the wind Marina.

A few weeks later, Marina appeared in a crazy musical number that almost became the film version of Some of Her Parts. Both times, Marina was wearing — guess what? — a hat. They really shouldn’t call Karina Lombard unless they have something better for her to do.

Worst Sex Scene: Anything with Bette and Jodi.

Remember when Bette and Jodi consummated their attraction by rolling around together on that dirty mattress inside the tangled metal briar of Jodi’s sculpture? That didn’t do it for me. Nor did any subsequent sex scene they’ve had together. I tried to feel the heat. I tried to feel their passion. I tried as hard as Kit did when Papi was worshipping at her altar. It didn’t work for me, either.

I loved Marlee Matlin on The West Wing and in Children of a Lesser God. But on The L Word, she just doesn’t come off as a sexual being. She has zero chemistry with Jennifer Beals. She kisses like a hungry carp. There were a few scenes this season where I swear I saw Jennifer Beals actually wince as Matlin was coming in for a landing. Boo! Hiss!

Best Sex Scene: OK, there were two best sex scenes this season, and they both involve Alice.

First, Alice and Papi get down and get funky in Papi’s limo. Yes, circles are good. Circles are very, very good. Not only were we treated to shots of pretty hands fondling lingerie and smooth skin, Leisha Hailey’s facial expressions were absolutely priceless.

Second, Alice and Tasha had their unforgettable moment in Alice’s apartment. After Tasha got Alice out of her weird Gunsmoke general store proprietor outfit, the two of them went at it like rabbits — if rabbits were hot-for-each-other lesbians.

But other than these two scenes, we were bereft of good old-fashioned lesbian sex. Could it be that four years in, the “L” now stands for “lesbian bed death”? Where are the scenes on par with Alice and Dana going at it to the strains of “Finally”? Where are the lingering shots of Bette’s thong, like we had when she and Tina still shared a bed? How about some sexy game-playing like Shane and Carmen’s “Too Hot”? Cripes, I think I even miss Jenny and Tim.

Bette and Candace talking dirty to each other while cooling their heels in the pokey was hotter than anything we’ve been given this season, and they weren’t even touching each other in that scene. My one request for Season 5: Bring sexy back.

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