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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 1.9 “Pay Back Time”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The whiner: Crystal writes a letter to the editor.

The wool-puller: Shell decides to turn over a new leaf and lead a clean life.

The wisher: Monica just wants everything to go away.

Morning — At Helen’s flat, Helen and Sean are greeting the day. The music is sad. Why? Why would anything be sad when Helen’s around? Oh, right: She’s probably thinking about the death of Monica’s son. Sorry, I’m a heartless lech.

In the kitchen, Helen throws away an empty vodka bottle and then sips some fizzy stuff (presumably the British version of Alka-Seltzer, except it’s really orange). Aw, Miss Stewart has a hangover. The only thing that shocks me about these activities is the notion that she’d put an empty bottle in what looks like a trash bin. Don’t you recycle, Miss Stewart? Don’t you care about the fate of our planet?

Sean waltzes in and chuckles. He makes an annoying comment about how long it takes for the body to get rid of the alcohol from a glass of wine.

Helen: How long does it take to get rid of the s— from a day at my job?

And how long does it take to get rid of the floppy-haired, smart-mouthed brat standing next to you in the kitchen? Probably a while, because he’s just said he can help you unwind at the end of a long day. I just thought of another reason not to throw your empty vodka bottles away, Helen: You might need one later to break over Sean the Yawn’s head.

Sean wants to know whether Helen has told her father about their upcoming nuptials. He worries that she’s ashamed of him.

Helen: [My father’s] never approved of anything I’ve done in my life. I can’t see this being any different.

My dad has approved of most things I’ve done in my life, but I don’t think he’d like Sean. I’m sure he’d prefer that I be with a smart and charming woman like the one I’ve got, if the alternative is a wet git like Sean.

Sean thinks Helen is a little too sensitive about her dad’s negative attitude.

Sean: Now, isn’t it time you put all that behind you?

Helen: Nice idea. It doesn’t actually work like that, though, does it?

Helen walks away from him while she’s talking. Heh. Here’s a dictionary, Sean: Look up “supportive.” On second thought, don’t bother. Helen gets plenty of support from a certain raven-haired con on G-3.

Strutting — Denny is strutting and smiling. Isn’t she cute? I mean it — girlfriend’s got something sexy going on. And her coy mannerisms are adorable; she seems to have a secret she can’t wait to tell.

She finds the two Julies. Apparently she doesn’t have a secret; she has a joke:

Denny: Got a surprise for you, Julies.

Julie S.: [suspiciously] Oh, yeah?

Julie J.: [excitedly] Oh, yeah?

Denny: Straight up. Hold your hands out.

Julie S.: Watch her, Ju.

Julie J.: [putting out her hand and closing her eyes] I’ll watch her, Ju.

Denny: [putting an apple in Julie J’s hand] Open ’em.

Julie J.: [opening her eyes] Oh, it’s an apple! You twat. You said it was a surprise. I don’t wanna see one of them as long as I live.

Hee. In case you missed the last episode, that was a reference to the apple “wine” the Julies made. It tasted foul, but it did its job.

Also, what you can’t see in the transcribed lines is the intonation. The Julies are a great pair: Julie J. is often very childlike and trusting, while Julie S. is more circumspect. And they’re wacky, goofy, aging ladies of the night — what’s not to love?

Crystal says there are enough drugs in Larkhall without them adding to the substance-abuse problem by making wine.

Julie S.: Aw, take the cork out your ass, Crystal.

Crystal: If the papers knew what went on in here, there’d be a scandal.

Shell: Yeah, I bloody well agree.

Julie J.: That’s a good idea, Crystal — flash our boobs for the News of the World.

Julie S.: Out the cell window — fame at last, love!

Crystal stomps off in a huff. Crystal is pretty much always in a huff.

Elsewhere, Zandra and Shell talk about the return of Lorna Rose. It seems Lorna has been on holiday. And you, Zan? Where have you been? I don’t think you were in the last episode at all, which is sort of weird. But that’s what makes this show a true soap: The writers pick up story lines when they need them and let them dangle when they don’t. But the difference between this soap and many others is that the characters are fairly consistent. When they show up, that is.

I guess maybe Zan has just been busy accelerating her pregnancy. She’s suddenly really huge.

Zandra hopes Lorna has brought them some goodies, but Shell says she doesn’t want to bother Lorna anymore. This confuses Zandra and lets her know that something’s up; it doesn’t take a genius to realize that Shell would never say such a thing out of sympathy or magnanimousness. Not that Zandra’s not a genius — I think she’s probably pretty smart underneath all the smack.

The wing office — Helen! You’re wearing a skirt! Your shoes are … hmm, almost dominatrixy. I approve.

Helen greets her officers and welcomes Lorna back from her holiday. She asks everyone to make a special effort with Monica, who is (understandably) withdrawn and possibly suicidal. Helen hopes the antidepressants will help. I wish they could put your accent in a bottle, Helen. That would be the best possible antidepressant for me. And you’re looking much better than you did with your hangover head this morning.

The opposite of sexy — Fenner visits Shell in her cell. He says she makes him nervous when she’s quiet. She avers she’s changing her ways. She’s going to stay off the “sweeties” (drugs) and start going to chapel. Fenner doesn’t believe a word of it:

Fenner: The nearest to religion you’ll get is the missionary position.

He assumes Shell is just trying to get back on Enhanced. She claims to be seeking meaning, not reward. She even rebuffs him when he tries to get a little affection.

Shell: I’ve told ya. I want a change. I’m not your old Shell anymore.

Well. Good! No, wait. No, I won’t fall for this, even if I do enjoy the stunned look on Fenner’s face.

Meaning well in Monica’s cell — Dominic is trying to show Monica some kindness. He gives her a clipping from the paper: It’s an article called “Coping With Bereavement.”

Monica: Is this for me or you?

Dominic: [confused] You.

Monica: Not the cutting. The bedside chat.

Dominic: I just wanna help.

Monica: Then leave me alone.

Dominic: I don’t think that’s doing you any good. You need to mix with people.

Monica: When I want the advice of a boy, I’ll ask. Now go, will you? And take your tabloid guide to bereavement with you.

Aw, poor Dominic. But Monica has a point: She’s a sadder, wiser and much older girl than you, Dom. Er, you know what I mean. He sighs and leaves.

After he leaves, Monica sighs too and seems to think about calling him back. But then she just sighs again.

A reunion — Zandra asks Lorna about her holiday.

Zandra: Bring us anything back?

Lorna: Like what?

Zandra: Like a stick of Blackpool twatting rock. What do you think I mean?

Snort! Oh, Zan. You rock. Oh, and Blackpool rock is a kind of candy. I’ll let “twatting” speak for itself. Zandra starts to hassle Lorna, but Shell interrupts and tells her to “piss off.”

Zandra: [to Shell] You’re gonna get it one day, you twat.

Hee! I guess “twat” is the magic word for this episode. I can’t believe how funny it is when Zandra says it.

Shell tells Lorna about her plan to change; she insists she’s off the “gear” and is happy to have the poison out of her system. She’s glad she got put down on Basic because it really made her think. Lorna is just as suspicious as Jim was.

Lorna, what did you do on your holiday? Somehow, you look extra gay today.

The library — Ooh, the library. It’s the scene of so many secrets, isn’t it? I mean, the conversation about gayness between Helen and Nikki, and then the winemaking stuff with the two Julies. And now, a rather breathless “hi” from Helen as she enters and sees Nikki browsing the shelves.

Before we go on, let’s take a moment to giggle at the sign on the wall, which says, in all capital letters, “Get your book date stamped by the librarian.” It’s just funny. You’re in prison, and you can’t leave, but damn if we’ll let you keep a book past its due date!

Nikki doesn’t seem to notice Helen’s skirt, but she has picked up on the hangover:

Nikki: You look a bit pasty, Helen. Heavy night?

Helen: I’m looking for Monica.

Nikki: I’ve not seen her all day. [as Helen sighs] What’s wrong? Is it ’cause I called you Helen? I thought you didn’t want us to be formal.

Helen: No, I don’t.

Nikki: So what’s the problem? You want to be informal, but you don’t want to be called Helen.

Helen: [rolling her eyes, exasperated] Nooo.

Nikki: You can’t have it both ways.

Helen: This is difficult for me, as I think you know.

Nikki: So what do you want? [as Helen sort of shifts on her feet] Sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable?

Helen: Look, if you see Monica, tell her that I’m looking for her.

And Helen turns and goes. Whoa. There was a lot of emotion packed into those lines. First of all, Nikki, what are you doing? Why are you so touchy today? I guess maybe you’re just dying to get everything out in the open, and maybe you want to force the issue of this extreme attraction, but you did kind of pounce on Helen a little there. Your body language wasn’t exactly friendly.

And Helen, I love the way your eyes landed on Nikki’s lips after she asked you what you want.

But the really interesting line is, “This is difficult for me.” What is? Being wing governor? Coping with the death of Monica’s son? Maintaining the line between your profession and your pheromones?

I think Nikki’s going with the latter interpretation. As Helen leaves, Nikki has the slightest of smiles on her lips, as if she’s thinking, “Yeah, I’m getting to you.” Of course, her eyes did dip downward for a moment, so she might also be thinking, “That really is a nice skirt.”

More of the word of the day — Zandra is trying to open the window in her cell. It’s stuck.

Zandra: Come on, you twatting twat!

Oh, my God. Zandra, I officially have a crush on you and your hilarious mouth.

Crystal: Calm down.

Zandra: Bloody windows; they’re all spastics!

Crystal coolly walks over to the window and opens it. She asks Zandra what’s really bothering her, so Zandra tells her about the “new” Shell. They try to figure out what Shell’s game is, but the pieces just aren’t adding up.

Zandra: Maybe she believes all that religious crap.

Crystal: It’s not crap, Zandra.

Zandra: [screaming] I don’t care what it is!

Somebody needs a fix. Bad. Somebody get the homicidal Kewpie doll some gear!

Crystal just leaves Zandra alone to jones on her own.

The laundry room — Oh, I think this is the first time we’ve seen the laundry room. Shell’s there, and so is Crystal — the latter is singing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.” She asks Shell whether she’s serious about getting clean. Shell’s still sticking to her story, but she wishes drugs weren’t so readily available.

Shell: If only it could get in the papers. They’d have to do something about it then.

Crystal: Not much chance of that.

Shell: Unless you wrote to ’em.

Dawn (another inmate who’s hanging out in the laundry room) interrupts to say that one of the laundry items is damp. Shell throws whatever it is back into the dryer and quips, “More hot air up Hollamby’s ass.”

I guess now we know what Shell wants: some sort of scandal in the papers. Crystal tells Shell to write the letter herself, but Shell says her record as a “known user” would render it worthless. She declares that it’s a stupid idea, which only seems to make Crystal take it more seriously. What kind of power do you have over people, Shell? Or should I call you Rasputin(a)?

Giving up — Monica is on the phone with her solicitor. As she ends the conversation, Helen overhears her saying, “I don’t want to continue.” Helen assumes, correctly, that Monica has decided not to continue her appeal. She reminds Monica that she could be out of Larkhall within weeks.

Monica: To do what?

Helen: Anything you like.

Monica: There’s nothing for me out there anymore. I want to forget the life I’ve had. Being in here helps me do that. Numbs the brain.

But Helen says she can’t let Monica do this; after all, she’ll be over the worst of it (is that her grief or her sentence?) “in a year or two.” Jeez, Helen, that’s comforting. And it doesn’t work at all; Monica says she’s suffered enough and goes up to her cell to keep on forgetting.

The four-bed dorm — Crystal is writing something, and Denny wants to know what it is. Actually, Denny thinks Crystal has some “gear” and is hiding it from her. When she manages to get the piece of paper from Crystal, she’s sorely disappointed.

Denny: It’s a bleedin’ letter.

Shell reads the letter and declares it brilliant. She starts to offer some tips, but then says no, it’s Crystal’s letter. Crystal falls for the reverse psych out and wants to hear Shell’s advice.

Shell: If you was to make it more particular … like, mention G-Wing or Stewart’s name, it’d cause more of a stir. They’d be more likely to print it.

Denny gets interested in the idea of making Larkhall famous in the papers — until Shell reveals exactly what the goal is:

Shell: We’ve gotta get rid of these drugs that are screwing up people’s lives. Haven’t we?

Denny: What, like, so we stop takin’ ’em?

Shell: Well, look what it’s done to your bloody brain.

Denny: Yeah. Right.

Denny walks out. Whatever you want to say about her brain, Shell, at least you can’t say it’s bending to your wishes the way Crystal’s is. But Crystal has plans for you, too: She says you can’t fix all the problems at Larkhall all by yourself.

Crystal: [handing Shell a Bible] You’re gonna need the help of the Lord.

Shell looks utterly enthused.

A different skirt — I’m not very good at gauging the passage of time on this show, but at least I can tell you that’s a different skirt than the one Helen was wearing the last time she talked to Nikki. And her demeanor’s a little different, too; she seems almost friendly.

They’re out in the garden near that infamous potting shed. They go for a little walk as they talk. You look good in your green gardener’s vest, Nik.

Helen: Nikki, can I have a word? I need to ask a favor. It’s about Monica. Now, I know I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’ve run out of ideas. She’s refusing to go through with her appeal.

Nikki: What?

Helen: She said that she doesn’t care anymore now that Spencer’s dead.

Nikki: Have you talked to her?

Helen: Me, her solicitor, a couple of officers … she just doesn’t want to know.

Nikki: And you want me to have a go.

Helen: Could you? I know that she respects you.

Nikki: I’ll try.

Helen: Thanks. And I haven’t said anything, OK?

Nikki: Sure, Helen. It’s OK.

During those last two lines, Helen puts her hand on Nikki’s arm. Look at these two: confidantes working together for good. They’re like superheroes! Well, they’re my heroes, anyway. If “heroes” means my favorite couple ever.

Nikki watches Helen go for just a bit and then makes herself get on with her day. There’s a little more spring in her step, though.

Monica’s cell — Monica is taking one of those sleeping pills they’ve been giving her — or is she? After the nurse leaves, Monica takes the pill out of her mouth and hides it in a tube of toothpaste (in the crimped end), where she has squirreled away a whole stash of them. She stares at herself in the mirror. She looks pretty empty.

The chapel — Crystal is reading or preaching or something. Shell and Denny are in attendance. Shell looks serious, Denny looks bored, and Fenner — who is leaning on the organ like a jerk — looks skeptical.

I really don’t know what to make of this Saint Shell thing. That looked like a church service in hell.

Monica’s cell — Monica is stashing another pill, or maybe she’s just admiring the ones she already has. Nikki interrupts to ask how she’s doing. Monica pretends to be OK, inching her way in front of the sink to hide the pills from Nikki’s view. When Monica says she’s not going through with the appeal, Nikki realizes just how dire things are.

Nikki: Monica, you can’t give in now.

Monica: Nothing seems to matter since I lost Spencer.

Nikki: OK, but backing down on this appeal — do you think that’s what Spencer would want? For you to waste away in here?

Monica: Spencer isn’t here. In case you hadn’t noticed.

Nikki urges her to keep trying, because otherwise “the bastards” will have won. She says Larkhall just does this to people — makes them give up hope — so it’s important to find some hope somewhere. And then, coincidentally and out of the blue, she asks for some water. You know, from the sink. Where the pills are.

Monica steps closer to Nikki, to keep her from seeing the stash, and says she’ll reconsider her appeal. She sounds like a greeting card all of a sudden, but Nikki falls for it. She gives Monica a hug. I guess she’ll just have to leave thirsty.

Disbelief — Crystal, Denny, Zandra and the two Julies are playing pool or snooker or whatever the Brits call it. The two Julies can’t believe Shell has joined the God squad. They ask Crystal if she’s for real.

Crystal: That’s between Shell and the Lord. If she’s pretending, he’s sure gonna be one angry Messiah.

I dunno, Crystal; he might just be relieved. Does he really want Shell on his team? The Julies wonder whether Denny has joined up too.

Denny: I don’t do everything Shell tells me, all right?

Zandra: If Shell asked her to live in a barrel of s—, she’d do it.

Everybody giggles — except for Denny, who grabs a pool cue and attacks Zandra.

The two Julies: Oh, very Christian.

Heh. But who decided it was a good idea to give convicts pool cues? Fenner intervenes, but for a minute there, a very pregnant Zandra was beached on the pool table.

Doing her homework — Nikki is on the phone, getting a number from Information. Directory services, maybe? That sounds more British. She hangs up and immediately dials the number.

Helen’s flat — Sean is smothering Helen. I’m sure he thinks this is some kind of cuddling, but Helen just looks trapped. She’s trying to relax with a glass of wine and ignores him when he asks what’s bothering her. The phone rings. Guess who it is?

Sean answers. Nikki asks, “Is Helen there?” So Sean gives the phone to Helen. But when Nikki hears Helen’s voice, she panics — or perhaps just has the confirmation she was looking for? — and hangs up. Helen just shrugs and says, “Hung up.”

Sean: Dial 1471.

Helen: Can’t be bothered. If it’s important, they’ll ring back.

Hmm. Intriguing. And entirely too tense! Can they just get together already?

A sing-along — Crystal, Shell and Denny are singing their praises to the Lord. Hollamby stops by to tell them there have been some complaints. They just get louder.

Denny: [as Hollamby leaves] Twat.

How many times is that now? How many twats can you fit into one episode? Um.

A cold morning — Helen is leaving for work. As she passes Sean, she says, “see ya,” but she doesn’t get away quite so easily; he wants to talk about who to invite to the wedding. He rattles off some names and says certain people just have to be invited.

Helen: So what are you asking me for, then?

Woo! This annoys Sean, naturally, so he tells her to ‘fess up if she doesn’t want to go through with it.

Helen: I do. I’ve just got a lot on my mind at the moment.

“A lot” starts with N, ends in I and rhymes with hickey. Try to figure it out, Sean. Helen tells him they’ll go over the list tonight.

The letter — Crystal’s letter has been published in the paper. It specifically calls out Miss Stewart as being ineffective. The guards read it as they wait for Helen in the wing office, and Fenner (of course) doesn’t seem particularly sorry that Helen’s likely to get raked over the coals.

Helen is hustling through the gates. Nikki sees Helen and tries to stop her on her way in.

Nikki: Can I have a word, Helen?

Helen: Oh, not now, Nikki. I’m sorry, but I’m late as it is.

At least you got a little physical contact that time, Nikki, brief though it was.

When Helen arrives at the wing office, Fenner gives her the paper. She starts to read it — and starts scowling almost immediately. Right on cue, the office phone rings. It’s Stubberfield, the Governing Governor. He wants a word with Helen, and I bet it won’t be as kind a word as the one Nikki wanted to have.

On the wing, Nikki is reading the letter too. Shell stops by for a quick taunt.

Shell: In deep s—, your Miss Stewart.

Nikki: Piss off, Dockley.

The two Julies congratulate Crystal for being so smart.

Julie S.: All your own work, was it?

Crystal: Sure was.

Julie S.: So only you to blame?

Crystal: For what?

Julie S.: For when they put us on closed visits, you slack divvy.

Julie J.: Yeah, you slack divvy.

Slack divvy! I love it. As far as I can tell (with the vast interwebs at my fingertips), it seems to mean “damn idiot.” Well, something like that. Let’s just say it’s an insult.

The two Julies just want to be able to have visitors. Zandra, of course, is worried about getting gear.

Zandra: You might get your reward in heaven sooner than you think.

Watch out, Crystal! Psychotic Kewpie doll is even crazier with all the pregnancy hormones!

Stubberfield’s office — Helen thinks the letter is a good thing if it sparks a debate about drugs in prison. She says she’s done everything she can; it’s a nationwide problem, and Stubberfield knows it. But he’s more worried about the P.R. nightmare. Helen can’t really defend herself fast enough to keep up — he just keeps shooting everything down.

Helen says she’ll talk to Crystal. Whiny Stubberfield says he’ll spend his week talking to the Home Office. Blah, blah.

Up on G-3 — Helen finds Nikki. You know: Her primary source of support. They walk to Nikki’s cell as they talk.

Helen: Nikki.

Nikki: Is it OK to talk now?

Helen: No worse than any other time.

Nikki: I’m sorry about the letter.

Helen: Doing the rounds, is it? Well, only to be expected.

Nikki: I phoned you last night.

Helen: I thought it might be you. How did you get my number?

Nikki: Directory Inquiries. Out of order, I know. I just wanted to tell you the good news.

Helen: What good news?

Nikki: I think I’ve got Monica to reconsider.

Helen: [sighing] Thank God something’s gone right today. Well done.

Nikki: I thought it’d cheer you up. [going into her cell] Don’t worry about the letter.

Helen: No?

Nikki: Hey, you’ve got lots of other things to look forward to. Like a wedding to plan.

Helen: That’s right. Anyway, well done about Monica. See ya, Nikki.

Nikki: See ya, Helen.

Nikki, you know that’s not why you called Helen last night. Well, I don’t know exactly why you called her (sorry, rang her), but that’s a lame reason. Also, you’re wearing that pink shirt of yours again — and look at the way you’re pining as Helen walks away. My, my.

And, Miss Stewart? “I thought it might be you”? Why? Was the phone tingling in your hand? Was there a special kind of click as Nikki hung up? Or were you just trying your best to summon her, sending out “please call me” brain waves as Sean trapped you on the couch? Hmm.

Helen eventually just sort of sighs and looks away. Nice job controlling your temper, Helen. Those little spats with Nikki are doing you some good!

Fresh air — Lorna and Shell are taking a stroll. Shell is enjoying the fresh air because she can “smell things better” now that she’s off drugs. Lorna believes it just enough to encourage her.

Speaking of smelling better, Shell still wants something from Lorna: some perfume. Lorna refuses immediately.

Lorna: It’s glass. It’s banned.

Shell: Don’t be like that, Miss. It’s not like I’m asking you to bring drugs in here or anything.

When will people learn that Shell often says the exact opposite of what she means? Shell says she just wants to smell sweet for the blond guy who comes in to do the windows.

Shell: Have you seen him?

Lorna: Mmm.

Shell: Cute, isn’t he? Them tight jeans he wears.

Um, Shell, have you seen Lorna? Does she look like she’s in the habit of checking out window-cleaning dudes?

Lorna agrees but says this is the last time she’ll ever do a favor for Shell; it’s just not worth it. Shell swears she’ll never ask for anything again. Right.

Monica’s cell — Monica is fondling her toothpaste tube again. If only that were a metaphor. I get that she’s feeling desperate, and I do feel sorry for her — I can’t imagine outliving a child — but must she fondle those pills so much? They’re going to lose their effectiveness from all the pawing.

Helen stops by to talk about what Nikki said. Monica confirms that Nikki has convinced her to go through with the appeal. Helen says she understood, in a way, why Monica wanted to give up. She knows what it’s like to fight an uphill battle, even if she hasn’t had the same kind of loss Monica’s facing.

Helen: I’ve been in the prison service for two years. I’ve seen some women go through hell. Sometimes you just gotta get a grip on yourself.

She has spoken to Monica’s solicitor; he thinks her chances are very good. Monica’s just smiling and listening. Why must everyone just offer her platitudes like this? Do they really think she’s just a sweet old thing who will do as she’s told? Even you are missing the cues on this one, Helen. But I know you’re distracted by the cues you’re getting from one Ms. Wade.

After Helen leaves, Monica goes back to fondling the toothpaste.

Lorna’s house — A packet has arrived. It’s Shell’s perfume. Lorna unwraps it and inspects it carefully. She takes out the cardboard insert, sprays some perfume on herself, and gives it all a good look. She doesn’t find anything suspicious.

But I see something suspicious: Look at that coat rack in the entryway! What a very butch wardrobe you have, Lorna.

A lesson — Crystal is chatting with Shell about prayer. She tells Shell to ask God for whatever she needs to make her a better person. Crystal credits God with helping Shell get off drugs.

Shell: Well, I’m trying, Crystal. But there’s so much temptation about.

Crystal: Which is why you need the help of the Lord.

Shell: And there’s officers bringing gear in and all.

Crystal: [sharply] Officers? Like who?

Oh, Crystal. I think you’ve just walked right into Shell’s trap. Shell pretends to be concerned about the fate of any officer she would name, if she were to name one. Hypothetically speaking, of course. Crystal insists that Shell talk to the governor.

Shell: I dunno. It’s a bit scary. Will you come with me if I do?

Jeezus. You do lay it on thick, don’t you, Shell? But clueless Crystal agrees. Just before they go to the governor’s office, Shell finds Lorna and confirms that she has the perfume. Lorna says she’ll bring it to Shell’s cell at lockup.

The gov’s office: Crystal, looking very proud of herself, announces that Shell has something to tell Helen about the drug problem.

Helen: [unimpressed] Has she, now?

Ooh. I swear I just got a tingle up my spine. I’m not sure about that shirt, though, Helen. It sort of makes you look like a nurse. Well, maybe that explains the tingle.

Helen listens patiently (well, somewhat) as Shell says she’s sticking her neck out and putting herself in danger.

Helen: Shell. You’d better not be wasting my time. This is a very serious allegation.

I gasp every time Helen rolls an R like she just did with serrrious. Grrrowr.

Shell understands why Helen is suspicious but insists she has found God and is trying to make good. Helen suppresses a chuckle, but not quite successfully. Crystal tells Helen that only God can help people get off drugs, and only God can help Helen get out of the mess she’s “gotten herself into.” Who got her into it, Crystal? Could it be the person who wrote the letter? Hmm?

Shell: I’m trying to help you too, Miss. I know you’re in trouble after Crystal’s letter.

Helen: Look, will you save me the false concern and just tell me who it is?

You know what’s even better than the way Helen rolls an R now and then? The way she puts the ooo in words like look.

Speaking of looks, that’s a fierce one you’re wearing right now, Miss Stewart.

Crystal finally blurts out that the purported dealer is Lorna.

Helen: And you can prove it?

Shell: Yeah.

Helen: [shaking her head] You’d better.

Suspicion — Fenner is on his way to visit Shell. Little does he know that Helen is nearby, keeping an eye on Shell’s cell.

Shell: [as Jim opens the door] Piss off; Stewart’s watching me!

Jim leaves immediately, pretending to yell at Shell as he goes. Another officer wanders by: the hapless Lorna. The minute Lorna hands Shell the perfume, Helen shows up.

Helen: I think I’d better take that, don’t you?

Shell’s eyebrows and lips quirk into that smirking sneer she does so well.

Helen and Lorna go to the wing office and watch the drug team inspect the perfume and the box. Fenner’s there too. He just seems to invite himself to things.

Lorna: I told you there’d be nothing. It’s just perfume.

Helen: [yelling] That’s still an offense! Why did you do it?

Lorna just shifts on her feet. I doubt many people are able to talk back when Helen yells like that.

But then the drug agent slices open a folded part of the box insert and finds some white powder inside. Oh, Lorna.

Lorna goes to her locker and collects her things. She turns in her ID and tries to explain that Shell set her up. Helen says there will be a full investigation. Lorna is escorted out. Dominic watches in shock, while up above, Shell watches with glee.

The next day — Stubberfield waltzes into the wing office and asks what really happened. Fenner and Hollamby say they think one of the prisoners was blackmailing Lorna, so Stubberfield wants to know what there was to blackmail her for.

Fenner: The wing’s having problems generally at the moment, sir. I’ve never seen anything like it before.

Hollamby: No, nor me. And I’ve been in the Service 12 years.

Hollamby, you could be Stubberfield’s mistress for 12 years and still not know the first thing about Larkhall. Yikes, scratch that thought. How will I ever get that image out of my head?

Stubberfield wants to know where Miss Stewart is. Nobody seems to know. Maybe try Nikki’s cell?

The reviews — A line of cons discuss Lorna’s departure. This is a great little moment; they’re all leaning up against some bars, and the camera pans left to right as each gives her opinion.

Denny: I think you done brilliant, Shell.

Zandra [sarcastically] Yeah. Cutting a supplier off, just like that. Amazing.

Crystal: Yeah. That’s why she did it, i’n’t it?

Julie S.: She coulda picked on somebody else though, couldn’t she? Like Hollamby.

Julie J.: [overlapping with Julie S.] Hollamby, yeah. Miss Rose weren’t that bad, really.

Shell: She was a screw, weren’t she? If I turned her into one of us, that can only be good.

By now, Denny has made her way to the other side of the line. She gives Shell a wink and a smile. Why, Denny, why?!

Facing the music — Stubberfield finally finds Helen and asks to have a word with her. He thinks it’s clear that Helen needs to get “acclimatized,” since the Lorna thing took her by surprise. Meanwhile, he’s instituting some changes, starting with no more visitors.

Helen thinks that’s a terrible idea; her staff are stretched as it is. Simon says maybe this will “brighten their ideas up.” Helen just stands there, helpless.

The (dis)comforts of home — Helen is cuddling up with her man for support. As usual, Sean just wants to talk about his own preoccupations, namely, their wedding. He says they got the date they wanted at the registry office. Helen doesn’t really respond.

Helen: I don’t know if I can take another day in that place.

The mental place of preparing for the marriage? Oh, you mean Larkhall.

Sean tells her she can’t give up now and let Fenner take her job. All he can offer is “hang in there.” And then he sighs through his nose in that reedy way of his.

Another day in that place — The inmates are restless; they’ve just found out about closed visits. While the two Julies complain about the lack of contact with friends and family, Zandra cuts to the chase while chomping on chips (that’s “crisps” to her):

Zandra: [to Dominic] You’re gonna have a riot on your hands if you’re not careful.

Isn’t she cute, Dom? Cute and sorta scary.

Nikki stands by her woman:

Nikki: This won’t have been [Helen’s] decision, will it? It’ll be the Governing Governor’s.

Denny: How do you know?

Nikki: If anyone’s to blame, it’s Dockley for setting up Lorna Rose. That’s what’s done this.

Shell: That’s bollocks.

Nikki: Is it? I’d say it’s spot on, myself.

Nikki may be wearing that innocent shade of pink, but she’s far from innocuous.

The other inmates seem to think Nikki’s on to something. They stare quietly at Shell, who gets a little nervous.

The wing office — Dominic’s not excited about the prospect of looking after 90 women who are likely to riot any second. Hollamby says it’s no trouble: Just “bang ’em” (lock them) up.

Hollamby: Happiness is door-shaped, as far as I’m concerned.

Snicker. You’re a piece of work, Hollamby. I’m guessing happiness is also chair-shaped, given the amount of time you spend on your arse.

You wish — Fenner asks Helen whether Shell will be put back on Enhanced now.

Helen: I don’t think so.

Jim’s blood pressure must skyrocket when Helen’s around — and for different reasons than mine does. He goes right to Shell and tells her she’s staying on Basic. She insists she’s just trying to clean up the prison, but he’s tired of hearing it and is mostly annoyed that she didn’t involve him.

Fenner: And you’ve made yourself even more unpopular. You’re gonna have to be bloody smart to get out of this one.

If Fenner is the one telling you that, you know you’re in trouble.

Cryptic comments — From their perch on G-3, Monica and Nikki look down at the rabble. Monica remarks that she’ll soon be leaving it all behind.

Nikki: You’re confident all of a sudden.

Monica: No, no, I was just thinking positive, like you said.

Nikki: Thought there was something you weren’t telling me, for a minute.

Sigh. When will somebody find that ridiculous tube of tranquilizer toothpaste already?

Gosh, Nikki. I don’t know what’s going on with the lighting or whatever, but you’re absolutely stunning at the moment. Have you just had an offstage moment with Helen or something?

Oh, hello — Who’s that? There’s a new arrival. There’s something kind of sexy about her.

Hollamby: I’ve read about you in the papers.

New arrival: I’ve read about you in the papers. Well, about this place. Seems that I’ve come at a really interesting time.

Wait a minute. That woman plays the mother in Beautiful Thing, which is a fantastic little film. And there just happens to be a new article about it on AfterElton.com. Nifty coincidence!

Hollamby: Well, just so’s you know. You might be famous on the outside, but you won’t be in here.

New arrival: Wanna bet?

Yow. Nice.

The newcomer saunters over to the gaggle of inmates (the two Julies, Nikki, Shell and Denny). She asks whether they’re her new roommates.

Shell: Any objection?

New arrival: None at all, sweetheart. Name’s Yvonne. Hope you like a good party, girls.

As she walks off, Denny watches her strut. Nikki explains that the newbie is Yvonne Atkins. Julie S. adds that she’s Charlie Atkins’ wife.

Nikki: Someone tried to muscle in on him. She got a hit man to bump him off; hit man grassed.

Denny: What’d she get?

Nikki: Four years.

Denny: She can bump me off any day.

Shell doesn’t like that comment. But I agree, Den!

In case you didn’t get all that, remember, “grassed” means “ratted out.” Yvonne is a mobster’s wife, and she’s doing time for standing by her man. Sorta like Nikki, in a sorta twisted universe.

Nikki’s cell — It’s time to get some comfort again. Helen comes in without a word and sits on the bed next to Nikki.

Nikki: Don’t let the buggers get you down.

Helen: What you reading?

Nikki: Little Dorrit. It’s a story about a terrible prison.

Helen: Thank goodness we’ve got rid of all of those.

Nikki: You’re doing your bit, Helen. Most of the girls in here know that, deep down.

Helen: Yeah, but for how much longer?

Nikki wraps an arm around Helen’s shoulders. My jaw starts to drop a little.

Nikki: Hey, come here.

Helen: [beginning to cry] I’m just gettin’ it from all sides, Nikki. You know? From above and below … it just would be so much easier just to give in.

Nikki: [turning Helen’s face toward her] Hey, you mustn’t think like that.

Helen: No?

And then Nikki kisses Helen. Once, sweetly. Then a second time, still tentative but beginning to melt. And then again, more deeply and fully. Nikki wraps her other arm around Helen to pull her closer. Helen, whimpering, returns the kisses, just a little at first, but then more. Just enough.

But then Helen is on her feet and moving toward the door with a look of utter shock on her tear-stained face.

Nikki: Sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.

Helen: No, you shouldn’t!

Helen marches out, but she stands outside the cell door for a moment, touching her lips. Yes, it really happened, Helen, and yes, it really felt that good.

How many times did you rewind that? I stopped counting at 38.

Another night — Monica once again counts and fondles the pills she’s been hoarding. Gah. This is really getting tiresome, Monica. I mean, I’m sad for you, but come on. Get a new hobby.

The night callers talk about Yvonne’s hit man, Monica’s appeal, Shell’s scheming and Crystal’s letter-writing. We don’t see or hear Nikki, but I’m pretty sure she’s frustrated and turned on and entirely sleepless.

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Nikki and Helen talk about the kiss; Monica takes action.

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