RachelWatch: Rachel Battles Two-Face


Today: Rachel takes aim at the rampant Republican hypocrisy and the sudden departure of Conservadem Evan Bayh.

They’re Not Embarrassed

The bad news is that the Republicans are hitting new heights of absurdity in their whatever-Obama-says-we-say-the-opposite game. The good news is that it’s turned Rachel into a ball of fire.

After the Republicans spent weeks pounding tables and slamming doors and announcing that they could cure the common cold if only they were allowed to participate in the health care reform process, President Obama did the awful, sneaky thing of inviting them to do so. The gall!

Rachel managed to find one or thirty other examples of Republicans immediately reversing their positions the minute the Democrats adopted their ideas. They should at least have to wear evil Star Trek goatees and sexy asymmetrical business suits when they do that.

Karmic Miranda

Rachel reported that somehow in spite of the FBI doing that awful thing where they read him his rights and used proper criminal procedures, the Panties Bomber has been singing like he’s hoping for a spot in the road company for Carmen.

And yet somehow, according to Republicans, interrogating him with an eye towards his Constitutional rights and putting him into the criminal system was a foolish and dangerous thing.

Never mind that this exact procedure was carried out hundreds of times under Bush and Cheney. The point is that we have somehow just now noticed that this is bad and Obama is soft on terror and now that we’ve followed the fundamental laws of our land Al Qaeda is going to get so bold that they’re just going to start slipping yellowcake uranium into our breakfast cereal.

On that topic, Dick Cheney continues to be a villainous scum golem.

I used to cut Cheney the teeniest sliver of credit for being a human being. I figured that after his administration fell so soundly asleep on their watch that they wouldn’t believe Al Quaeda was a threat and as a result 3,000 people were killed, Cheney was so filled with fear (and maybe even some shriveled, rudimentary forms of shame and regret?) that he panicked and turned into a torturing monster in a misguided attempt to keep it from happening again.

But now I can’t even give him that. He has to know that he’s just being a heaving ratpile of dishonesty.

Rachel knows it too, and she neatly sliced Cheney’s arguments into lie sushi. I wonder why he won’t come on the show.


Senator Evan Bayh (D [sort of] – Indiana), leading conservadem and human clog in the Democrats’ legislative bathtub, decided to give his party one last “screw you” by abruptly announcing he would not run for re-election one day before today’s primary filing deadline.

Don’t let the dome hit you on the way out, Senator!

Rachel welcomed Dan Parker, chairman of the Democratic Party in Indiana, to speculate very, very carefully about what happens next.

Ms. Information

Rachel noted that Anthem Blue Cross of California is delaying its 39% rate increase because people noticed and it got on the news. The company is now waiting until May 1 to make sure that level of price-gouging is even legal, but they’re consoling themselves with a 25% rate hike in Maine.

Rachel also lifted spirits by pointing out that you can go to the GOP website to send a virtual teabag to a Democratic leader because the Republicans are totes best friends with the Tea Partiers now! Rightguysright? No need to run primary challenges against each other, right? You Tea Party folks make the donations and Republicans will take care of the office-holding because we’re total pals and just alike! Practically the same party! Right?

As a part of the Besties Project, a totally not panicking Michael Steele will meet with 50 Tea Partiers on Tuesday and I cannot wait to hear the catchy slogans that come out of that one.

And yet in spite of the big happy slumber party the Republicans are trying to throw, many Tea Partiers are still putting bras in the freezer. Senator John McCain (R – Arizona) now has a primary challenger who, while not an official Tea Partier, is coming at McCain from the right.

And coming at McCain from the stupid is Samuel “Joe the (Not a) Plumber” Wurzelbacher, who finally noticed that America does not want to give him money or hear his opinions and thus has decided that the McCain campaign exploited him.

I would feel more sympathy if not-Joe hadn’t lunged in front of every camera that came within a mile of him to deliver belligerent fact-free statements of his own free will. Did he really think people were going to keep listening? Based on what?

When he says the McCain people “used” him, I think not-Joe means they didn’t lift him into the free ride of fame and money that Sarah Palin got. Sounds like the best decision of the whole campaign.

Breaking News

Rachel reported that a joint American-Pakistani operation captured the Taliban’s top military commander in Karachi, Pakistan. Rachel called him “the biggest fish we’ve caught” since the war started.

Outraged Republicans immediately held a press conference to announce that capturing high-level members of the Taliban is soft on terror and Obama is putting the country at risk.

The Filibuster Challenge!

Rachel caught us up on the latest pitches to make the government-crippling filibuster exciting again.

She welcomed Chris Hayes of The Nation to talk about filibuster-busting options and along the way managed to work in a terrific laser tag story.

Remember, the Filibuster Challenge is still on! There’s a sweatshirt and a mug on the line! Oh, and also the part where you get people to pay attention to the way government works. But seriously: That’s one sweet mug.

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