“The Real L Word: Los Angeles” shows up on Showtime this summer


Variety reports that The Real L Word has been cast and that it will premiere this summer on Showtime. This means, of course, that filming will be taking place shortly, so if you want to get in on the action (i.e. become one of the Shane clone’s flavor of the hour for a brief moment of infamy), it’s time to scoot on over to the area in and around North Robertson Boulevard in West Hollywood, home of lesbian or lesbian-friendly staples The Abbey, Girl Bar and Truck Stop. Rev up your cell phone cameras to perpetuate Facebook drama, and (of course), don’t forget to hide in a restroom and text all of your friends the juicy details, a la Alice Pieszecki.

To refresh your memory, in late August of last year Showtime placed a wanted ad for hopefuls in The Real L Word, Ilene Chaiken’s foray into the reality television genre. (See See Dorothy Snarker’s post on the casting call.)

Ilene Chaiken with Showtime’s Bob Greenblatt

The producers wanted to form a cast that was “every bit as glamorous, fashionable, fabulous and even as cutthroat as their celebrated-but-fictional counterparts.” The “glamorous, fashionable, and fabulous” part may rub a few people the wrong way, but let’s be honest: This is Los Angeles, the land where butches wear layers of eyeliner — this isn’t The Real L Word: Northampton. No offense to Northampton, of course, but LaLa Land is what it is and ain’t what it ain’t.

But “cutthroat?” I hope that life doesn’t imitate art, because The L Word took “cutthroat” to a whole new level. The casting call asked for an out-of-town cast member who is “moving out to the more Sapphicly welcoming culture of L.A.”  Let’s hope she stays away from puppies.

So we already know what we’re going to get in terms of cast members. But I’d like to introduce three other cast members that will probably get a lot of screen time.

The Mojitos at The Abbey

The Abbey, originally established as a gay coffee shop in the early 1990s, is currently a gay bar and restaurant that transforms into a club on the weekends. Local L.A. lore has it that it was the inspiration behind The Planet on The L Word. I have also been told that Girl Bar, which exists across the street on North Robertson Boulevard is the inspiration behind She Bar and that Dawn Denbo and Lover Cindi are highly fictionalized versions of Girl Bar’s real life founders. Expect a lot of laughter, lovin’, lounging around — and backstabby cutthroatitude — Sunday afternoons at The Abbey.

We like to party

So let’s talk about the mojitos, shall we? The mojitos at The Abbey are like the Bad Idea Bears in Avenue Q. They use their playful sweetness to manipulate people into making unwise decisions. The mojitos at the Abbey are very tasty, so tasty, in fact, that you cannot taste the alcohol, so you walk away from the first one convinced that having another minty fruit concoction is reasonable and prudent. In fact, they are three times as strong as regular mojitos. I am convinced that they are made with distilled jet fuel purchased from an Al Gayda sleeper cell. After two of these stealth bomber mojitos, going home with the Shane clone to be filmed in the throes of fleeting lust in grainy black and white film — Season 2 Mark style — seems like a fabulous idea!

Since the mojitos at The Abbey will undoubtedly become the driving force of these bad decisions, of which there will be many, they should be considered part of the regular cast.

The Hot Tub

All reality shows nowadays feature The Hot Tub, a place where cast members lounge around, and depending on the amount of alcohol consumed, make out with one another. Although The Hot Tub is just another stock prop in other reality shows, I propose that The Hot Tub should become a regular cast member on The Real L Word. Why? Consider the alternative: The Swimming Pool. As you all know, Ilene Chaiken + Swimming Pool = terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things.

Not the worst thing that could happen in a pool

Parking Lots

Parking lots are bad omens for lesbian relationships on television. They spell the end of any lesbian storyline, such as in L.A. Law, Grey’s Anatomy and (we think) Heroes. Does this rule also apply on reality television? It remains to be seen.

Not just for parking cars and leaving a series unexpectedly

However, there are a lot of parking lots in Los Angeles, because everyone drives, so we will have many opportunities to test this theory. Pay close attention to the parking lot on North Robertson Boulevard across the street from The Abbey. It might just become the backdrop of a perplexing lesbian breakup.

So what are you waiting for? Get your butt down the WeHo and start stalking. Just park in metered parking and go easy on the mojitos.

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