RachelWatch: Rachel Takes on the Freaks


Today: Fake grassroots and real pro-slavery advocates.

Which Doctor

Rachel got us all fired up with the news that the Senate will start debating its version of the health care reform bill next week and Senator Harry Reid (D – Nevada) hopes to pass it by Christmas.

Wow. Six weeks? That is some Senatorial speed! Don’t throw your backs out!

The House bill, of course, passed over the weekend, with an endorsement by the American Medical Association.

But now there’s a controversy over whether the AMA should withdraw its support.

If you just involuntarily blurted out “Creepy fake grassroots lobbyists!” your cynicism levels are dangerously high, and you should consult with your doctor about rainbow and unicorn therapy before watching the clip.

I’m not saying you’re wrong, just that your cynicism levels are dangerously high.

If “consulting with your doctor” means looking up your symptoms on the Internet because you don’t have health insurance, DO NOT start the therapy regimen. You’re just going to end up so annoyed with the world that you’ll just end up giving the unicorn a noogie.

(Yes, that would hurt. You’re going to be that cynical.)

Newsweek’s agreeably crotchety Michael Isikoff dropped in to guide us through the muck.

Memorial at Fort Hood

President Obama and the First Lady attended services for the Fort Hood victims on Tuesday. In a horrific development, at almost the same time there was a multiple shooting in Portland, Oregon.

Condolences to the loved ones of everyone involved.

For Pete’s Sake

In the what-the-hell-happened aftermath of the Fort Hood shootings, Congressman Pete Hoekstra (R – Michigan) announced that Hasan had been corresponding with a radical Muslim cleric.

Which was an interesting development, since Hoekstra, a member of the House Intelligence Committee, seemed to be a wee bit ahead of the news curve.

And his announcement could have tipped the cleric in question off to the fact that he was being investigated.

Chris Hayes of The Nation checked in to talk about whether we can convince our country’s intelligence services to actually brief Congress if they’re just going to turn around and put everything into their comically misspelled Twitter feeds 20 minutes later.

Bottom line: If you have asked Representative Hoekstra to help plan a surprise party, join your fight club, or hang on to your sex tape, it might be time to rethink.

Bribe and Prejudice

Did you fail that test of your cynicism levels earlier?

Then just skip this next clip. It’s um, about how puppies are nice. But not cute puppies that you’d need to watch or anything. In fact, I forgot: It’s really about slugs. No need to watch at all.

Seriously, even if your cynicism levels aren’t dangerously high, this next story might peg them. It’s about Blackwater bribing Iraqi officials to literally get away with murder.

OK, watch if you must, but I highly recommend watching Bob Ross before and after. We’ve had enough unicorn pantsings around here.

OK, seriously: Why are they still on our country’s payroll? Why are they in Iraq instead of jail?

Get over here, unicorn. No, I just want to talk. Really.

Ms. Information

Rachel gave us the news that the D.C. Sniper was executed Tuesday night. His younger accomplice will be spending the rest of his life in prison.

Rachel noted that his attorneys wanted clemency granted on the grounds of mental illness, but the Commonwealth of Virginia is not big on death row clemency.

Rachel also reported that the Stupak amendment is still wreaking havoc among Democrats in both the House and the Senate.

(And I would like to report that if you call Representative Stupak’s office and explain that you would like to talk to the Congressman about your uterus since he seems to be so very interested in it, his staffers have been trained to suck all the joy out of the situation by not showing even a flicker of reaction. But it was still fun to hear the guy try to be polite while saying “And what would you like to say to him regarding that?”)

Senator Barbara Boxer (D – California), fresh off slam-dunking a climate change bill through committee, thinks there are enough pro-choice Senators to defeat Stupak-Pitts language should anti-choice Senators try to weasel it into their version of the bill.

Rachel noted that Senator Clarie McCaskill (D – Missouri), after taking an initial position that the Stupak amendment wasn’t so bad, has now tweeted her opposition. Though she’s not sure how she’d vote on the overall bill.

What I’m saying is that Congressman Stupak is trying to mess with our reproductive organs and Senator McCaskill is messing with our heads.

Rachel also gave us an update on Brazil’s massive blackout — the population affected was equivalent to Los Angeles and New York going dark at the same time.

Fortunately, Brazil is a seventeen-time winner of the Nation Most Likely To Have Fun During a Blackout title, so I think they’ll be OK.

GOP in Exile

Rachel gave us the sad news that the Tea Party is turning more and more into the Wonderland kind of tea party. They’re almost done with the shouting insane riddles part, which means they are only seconds away from trying to stuff each other into teapots.

An official Tea Party is now registered in Florida, but that has made other Tea Partiers mad because while they want to be a political force that can sway elections, they also want to be so independent that they aren’t an official political party at all. Because that’s just how mavericks roll.

New developments are expected sometime in March.

Rachel Re: Slave Drivers

OK, I’ll admit it: I just gave the unicorn a pink belly and a swirlie.

Cynicism rules and satire is dead. We have a pro-slavery, pro–child labor contingent in this country. Yeah, but it’s good for business, right?

Rachel isn’t having it.

Yes, I’ll apologize to the unicorn later. For now, let Rachel help drive the cynicism away.