RachelWatch: Confabulation of Values


Today: You’ll never guess what turns you gay.

From Fear to Eternity

Rachel started us off with an update on the fight over health care reform.

Liberal pressure to reform health care so people can get a broken arm set without selling a kidney to be able to afford it seems to be working, which means the opposition is heading for Crazytown.

I would say “straight to Crazytown,” except it wouldn’t be accurate. At least one corporation may be taking a detour through Illegalville, and the Republican Senatorial Committee has stopped for a picnic in Highly Unethical Flats.

Summit of All Fears

Next Rachel took us on another visit to the Values Voter Summit and good lord, are you kidding me, Representative Roy Blunt (R – Missouri)?!

Great jumping fireballs, “values” people, racism is not code. We can tell when you’re doing that.

And yes, when you do it in public Mean Ol’ Media People will put it on television and call you out for being awful and probably make it harder for you to get elected next time.

One hopes the media will also call out all the jerkbags in the crowd who laughed delightedly at Blunt’s attempt at “humor.”

How stupid can you be, Values Speakers? Just in the interest of not having to hear this dreck anymore, I’ll explain how you can avoid this: Hire one person — one person between you — to suggest times when maybe you shouldn’t tell that particular racist joke (hint: always). Or to gently point out when you’re being a racist turnip-for-brains instead of a subtle and hilarious after-dinner speaker.

Oh, and P.S. the Values folks have discovered what turns people gay. I’m glad we’ve conclusively put that scientific controversy to rest.

Playboy: Turning straight men supergay for more than 50 years.

How do you suppose it has managed to keep an audience? Are there secret instructions inside that say “When this turns you gay, please exchange your subscription with a woman that Playgirl has turned into a lesbian”?

There must be some sort of message board.

Life During Wartime

Rachel reported that General McChrystal’s review of the situation in Afghanistan is bumming out people across at least two continents.

Rajiv Chandrasekaran of The Washington Post stopped in to try to help Rachel figure out what exactly “winning” in Afghanistan would be and why we’re trying to make the Afghanis confident about a government that concerns itself almost entirely with voter fraud, bribery, and the opium trade. (Which is, yes, still a clearer agenda than the Republicans currently have, but that’s not the point.)

Ms. Information

Rachel noted that the journal Trends in Cognitive Science has published a study on the effects of torture on the brain and memory.

Amazingly enough, that kind of pain and stress makes it harder to remember things accurately and easier to confabulate false memories and information with the truth. The report said that torture is “biologically counterproductive to eliciting quality information.”

But that simply can’t be, because Dick Cheney told us that torturing people yielded buckets and buckets of information that was totally, unimpeachably accurate and incredibly valuable.

Those scientists must have misplaced a decimal or something.

Rachel also reported that Saudi Prince Bandar bin Sultan is a huge Dallas Cowboys fan and proved it by having his personal jet painted in the Cowboys colors. Turns out the jet may also prove that the Prince is a fan of corruption.

Dude. You have to hide giant bribes. Next time paint it to look like an old Gremlin.

Moment of Geek

Monday night’s Moment of Geek was an impressive illustration of why the government pushing regulations on industry can be a very good thing.

Yikes. Click the link and prepare to stop lusting after beautiful classic cars.

(Wait a minute. If straight porn makes you gay, does wanting to own classic cars turn you into a pilot?)

Stuck in the Middle with You

Speaking of regulations, President Obama wants to protect American consumers and prevent the formation of another financial hellmouth by establishing a Consumer Financial Protection Agency.

Well, that sounds reasonable. Who would be against such a thing?

Yes, of course that’s who. I keep expecting the Blue Dogs to start showing up in their own jets.

Just Enough

George Takei and his husband Brad Altman will be contestants on The New Newlywed Game. Kent had a full report, a bunch of Star Trek references, and some gratuitous but funny Newlywed footage.

I am faintly annoyed with Takei and Altman because now I am going to have to watch at least one episode of a show I had hoped to thoroughly ignore. They’re going to be adorable, damn them.

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