RachelWatch: Same Loons, Different Decade


Today: Rachel looks at crazypants political backlashes throughout our history and Keanu Reeves goes to prison.

Vintage Whine

Rachel started off with the news that the House passed a formal resolution of disapproval for Congressman Joe Wilson (R – tanning booths all over South Carolina) for shouting out “You lie!” during President Obama’s joint address of Congress.

I said they should do that just days ago, and now I am willing to admit that I was wrong. Because I do not want that rude, lying, posturing, bright orange windsock to get even one more second of publicity.

For crying out loud, Republicans, isn’t it time to step back and take stock of yourselves if this guy is your new standard-bearer?

Wilson didn’t even come up with a good catchphrase. It doesn’t rhyme! You can’t chant it at a speaker you support without some confusion (or some truth you don’t want out on the table). It’s not even specific.

Don’t you at least want to pick someone with the mental chops to come up with something with a little more oomph?

How about “The wording is clear, but I don’t feel it here!” (And then the chanters would thump their hearts and go “Huh!”)

Or “I’m threatened by this smart President/And his long and thoughtful pauses/I swear that it’s got nothing do/With supporting racist causes.” [Dance break]

I can’t believe that people are really trying to make it seem OK and normal that a percentage of the population – even a small one – should completely take leave of their senses and dwell in a screaming, froth-mouthed land devoid of logic and reason every time they lose an election.

Are far-right conservatives essentially asserting their right to be maladjusted nursery school children if we won’t elect them? Is that supposed to be a selling point?

How do thinking conservatives manage to keep from slapping the foaming Red Scare racist secessionist nutballs? And why is that a goal?


After noting that Republicans are in the difficult position of having to rebut or prebut a guy who really knows how to fire up a room with a speech, Rachel gave us the miraculous news that former Senator Rick Santorum (R – Pennsylvania but voted way the hell out of office hahahahahaha) is stepping back into political life with a possible eye toward a Presidential run.

Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease. I will eat all my vegetables and do my homework and try to find something positive to say about Michele Bachmann if only this joyous thing will happen.

Governor Ed Rendell (D – Pennsylvania) joined Rachel to talk about his fellow Keystoner and holy jumping Lake Raystown catfish does he dislike Santorum.

Just to spare you the several minor heart attacks that I had, people say things like “Santorum is famous for…” more than once in this clip. Rest assured that they never mention the thing that Dan Savage made him famous for.

(If you don’t know what that is, you may not want to. The hilarious Mr. Savage helped the former Senator lend his name to a recreational byproduct.)

Ms. Information

The President gave a speech about health care reform in Minneapolis and another dumb-ass who has deep fears about his inadequate sexual performance thought that showing up with two concealed weapons would prove he’s a total stud.

Seriously, conservative leaders. This is the time to find your nards and draw the line, right here. You can’t possibly be so shortsighted as to think that getting people comfortable with seeing gun-toting jerkwads at political events is a good idea.

The pathetic losers who just want to feel tough and be seen stroking their long, hard guns in public are creating a thicket of safety for people who are crazy enough and scary enough to bring guns with the intent of using them.

You can cower under your desk, think about the next primary, and pander to these puffed-up creeps, or you can find the courage to speak out against them and go down in history as a decent, principled human being.

Speaking of seeing and learning from the painfully obvious, elected Democrats, could you come here for a minute? Lucy is always going to pull the football away.

I bring this up because the Senate health care bill is due to be released today and Rachel reported that leaked versions indicate that the bill is now so watered down with “compromises” that they’re just giving everybody a tongue depressor and calling it a day.

And all the tongue depressors must, by law, be Popsicle sticks that have been sucked clean by insurance company executives.

Democrats. Please. The current crop of Republicans don’t want you to get anything done. Saying “no” and celebrating the fact that they screwed up your plans to stop people from being torn apart by jackals or crushed by unregulated StomperBots is all they have right now.

They are always going to pull the football away.

And they’re going to howl about it no matter what, so get out from under your desks and try to do some actual good with this thing.

Life During Wartime

Rachel reminded us that that, oh, yeah, that whole horrifically violent Iraq thing is still happening by reporting that Vice President Joe Biden has made his third trip to Iraq this year, during which four mortars were fired at the Green Zone.

Other than that, everything is just swell over there.

Rachel also welcomed Dr. Zbigniew Brzezinski to talk about the new debate over whether to send more troops to Afghanistan or to focus on beefing up the Afghan economy and police force.

Dr. Brzezinski pointed out that the Afghans like us being there less and less and we can’t really fight their battles for them.

And then he begged Rachel to help him get his daughter off that show where smug frat boys make fun of her all morning.

Excellent Adventure

Former prison reform activist Rachel brought us the case of the prisons in Erie County, NY, which have been accused of some pretty horrific civil tights violations.

The local sheriff won’t let the Feds in to investigate on account of it might be inconvenient if they actually found horrific civil rights violations, but on the upside he has shown a surprising and touching support for the arts.

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