First catch up on Episode 4 HERE
Good morning Shane, it’s your super hot ex-wife who flew to LA for a lil birthday surprise. Nope, it’s not that I just wanted to give you really good head for your 40th birthday, it’s that I’m knocked up with Stranger Sperm, and you don’t want kids!
But nothing has ever been traditional between these two. Why can’t they figure out a way for Quiara to be a mother while Shane is her partner, but not her co-parent. Does she hear herself? Has no one told her how children work?? They’re not like a video game you can just power down and store away when Shane gets home from the bar. But she continues on.
Q: “It’s me remember?” pregnant pause “You don’t scare me.”
S: “You scare me.”
Honestly, she scares me, too.
Alice, Queen of the Qu*ers (which, I’m sorry, I think we need to rebrand immediately. How about Duchess of the Dykes? Countess of the Carpet Munchers?) attended by her ladies in waiting are scrambling to hide their very sexy, very bad decisions from their kids.
Alice is quick to point out how awesome the threesome was, but Nat says it was a mistake. No surprises there, Nat has revealed herself to be a giant Deb.
Bette keeps trying hard to win points with Angie, and Angie is a real teenager about it. Luckily her friend seems to be in the market for a parent who actually gives a shit, so Bette has a chance yet.
Over at Dana’s, Tess finds Finley passed out in the back office, hungover af. Finley has a real drinking problem, and Tess, we are reminded, is sober. Hopefully Tess will sponsor Finley because this whole storyline where none of her friends are staging an intervention is pretty hard to watch. This chick is a hot mess and she needs to get marched into a Meeting ee-mee-diately.
Now it’s time for the OGs’ daily meeting. Alice is sporting I think the fourth pair of glasses she’s worn this season. Somebody give me the number for her optician, she is DRIPPING in glasses swag. Alice’s thruple is received with skepticism, Quiara’s cockamamy scheme to somehow partner with Shane without making Shane her babydaddy is received with even more skepticism. Rightly.
Over at the Center for Diversity and Inclusion, our millenial fiancees receive a pre-nup from Dani’s insane, homophobic father. Any biological children born to Sophie will not be entitled to the Nunez family trust. Cosmic eyeroll.
Micah’s boyfriend says ‘I love you,’ proving this show is written by lesbians who do not understand how gay men operate. Sure, lezzies will spring for the L-word on date 3 after 2 episodes of mixed signals, but this just seems very unlikely for a man in our culture, in the gay community.
Back at the compound, the Church of Latter Day Lesbians grapples with the idea of making this thruple thing more intentional. Nat still thinks it’s a mistake, after all, her ex wife is her ex wife because she cheated. Is Alice’s invitation for Gigi to hop in their bed a signal that she can’t handle the commitment? Or is Nat just scared because she’s actually still in love with her ex?
Finley goes to apologize to the Fake Priest and doesn’t remember ever calling her that! Yikes! Finally some real consequences for her drinking in episode 5.
Dani and Sophie go to Papa Nunez for a screaming match about the pre-nup. Dani is really growing some ovaries here, which is good to see. And yet she continues to shut Sophie out from her emotions. She won’t agree or even discuss setting boundaries with him from now on.
Shane shows up at Dana’s to confront Tess about a missed liquor shipment. Can Tess reliably run this place? Lena can’t be reached, but Finley is on deck to help run the bar. This is obviously going to be a shit show. Tess calls Lena 500 times. This is psycho behavior, like, bitch find a boundary! Tess looks for relief in a bottle the same day Finley got a pep talk on going sober. When Finley shows up at the bar, they take shots together. It’s sad that Tess is relapsing, but enabling and encouraging Finley to drink shows a really irresponsible abuse of power on Tess’s part. Afterall, Tess is older, technically Finley’s boss, and should theoretically be wiser. This is really bad news.
Felicity and Bette meet up to finally end this. Felicity is in love. But Bette puts the citizens of LA, and the memory of Kit, first. Thank God she’s finally not ruled by her pussy’s whims.
The sisterwives are really hashing out the details of the Thruple. How out can they be? Will all three of them wear ball gowns on the red carpet? Not Gigi, who is apparently a Long Haired Butch.
Sophie gets home and laments the fact that Dani shuts her out constantly. Who would sign up for this complete lack of processing? Her tears are almost enough to make me care about this storyline. A few episodes ago we all thought Dani would be hooking up with Bette at the first opportunity, and I think that’s the only draw to this otherwise very boring crop of new characters. Please bring some dimension to these characters before I fall asleep!
Quiara shows up at Shane’s to tell her she doesn’t need her. She wants her.
Look, I don’t know how Shane is going to say no to those eyes. But there is no game plan here. She’s really about to be somebody’s babydaddy. How the fuck are they going to deliver on this in season 2???
The grown ups go see Angie and Jordi in the school play. Afterward, we finally get the high school crush content from Angie! Uncle Shane is here with some encouraging words, but Angie please don’t confuse her for a role model in romance. Nevertheless, this is now my favorite storyline.
Unfortunately, Quiara is getting major daddy vibes from Shane toward Angie. She is definitely going to be scheming to Parent Trap Shane.
Back at Dana’s, Tess and Finley are playing drinking games. Tess kisses Finley and then backs off. But Finley says Tess is the only person who made her feel good today. So she dives on top of Tess. This is really disturbing because Tess is her boss. She’s vulnerable to being taken advantage of because she idolizes Tess and she’s in complete denial about her alcoholism.
The actor who plays Tess is transgender, so was born male. As far as we know, the character Tess is not meant to be trans. However, we do respect and understand why many lesbians are upset by this scene, so we will broach this topic once we can gather more insight and information for you.
Now to return to the recap, in the last scene, Felicity’s ex-husband shows up at Angie’s school to harass Bette. In a drunken rage, he almost hits Angie, so Bette pushes him hard, and he ends up careening down the stairs. The show ends and we don’t know if he’ll be critically injured or if Bette’s campaign just ended.
