RachelWatch: Rachel Serves up a Slice of Truth


Today: The public option bounces back and Rachel explores the Miniverse.

Dempire Strikes Back

While I believe that many of the Democrats are sincere in wanting to preserve my physical well-being, I am not convinced of their commitment to my psychological stability.

They’re really putting me through an emotional roller coaster with this public option thing.

Rachel led off with the story that after all the weekend sidestepping, the pro-reform contingent seems to have taken their nards back out of cold storage and set their microwaves on “thaw.”

We’ll make “bad-ass liberal” a term that people can throw around without giggling yet.

Breaking News

Two diplomats form North Korea have been given permission to travel to New Mexico to meet with Governor Bill Richardson (D).

Rachel saw it as a triumph for diplomacy, but let’s be honest: It’s a triumph of green chili sauce.

They’re Just Not That Into Health Care Reform

Oh, my. This may be the most wonderful example of TRMS Theatre yet.

It is charming, it has a real point, and it brings the world confirmation that even the famously polite Rachel uses the “shut it” gesture in times of need.

Look, I admire the principle of bipartisanship, but Senator Grassley (R – Iowa) has tipped his hand: If the other side is not negotiating in good faith, it’s time to stop negotiating.

If they just want someone to say no to everything, the Republicans don’t really need to be there. Just put a cranky two-year-old on the committee and call it a day.

Are there true, thinking conservatives out there who are chewing their own arms off in frustration at this point? I know it’s called the opposition party, but it really is supposed to do more than just directly oppose anything that comes up.

They could be working as real watchdogs, eliminating waste, bringing in new ideas, and trying to make this a better plan for the good of everyone.

Instead they’re spending all their time combing through the bill looking for anything that can be deliberately misrepresented as something terrifying.

By the way — (Cue “O Fortuna”) — did you know that “preventive care” means that the government is going to outlaw loving your family?

Ms. Information

Rachel noted that Senator Ensign (R – Nevada) is, after 63 days of not being seen in public, going to a summit to save Lake Tahoe.

If you are offered a consulting job at this summit, it is time to have a serious talk with your mom.

Rachel then made every humorist in the country pass out with joy by reporting that Representative Michele Bachmann (R – the Left Behind series) will consider running for President if God calls her to do so.

People, I don’t care what you’re holding for. Get out of God’s phone queue right now.

Get Representative Bachmann to an area of perfect reception immediately, and consider donating your phone lines to the cause.

I may have hallucinated this during my delirious contemplation of a Bachmann Presidential campaign, but I think Rachel also said that crazy birther lawyer, dentist, and real estate agent Orly Taitz has not ruled out becoming a quadruple threat by running for office as well.

If either one of these women formally announces her candidacy, it is entirely possible that I will spontaneously combust. Know that I died happy.

GOP Miniverse

Wow. Every now and then, Rachel just wades right into what could become a really big fight, and this is one of those times.

Rachel has some polling data that will seem unbelievable at first. And then as it sinks in it will all make sense, and you will feel at peace.

So apparently a surprisingly high percentage of Fox News viewers have somehow come to believe things that are demonstrably false.

I’m sure that Fox News regrets the errors, and will be issuing swift corrections amid much rending of garments and gnashing of teeth.

Viral Video Game

Tired of feeling nothing but frustration and inchoate rage about health care?

How about a rapid descent into panic and general wretchedess instead?

Rachel pointed us to an online video game called The Great Flu that allows one, in my case, to get snippy notes from recalcitrant world governments, spend billions of dollars on useless programs, and then watch helplessly as the body count rises exponentially.

If you need something to be happy about today, be grateful that I am not in charge of world health.

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