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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 1.7 “Playing With Fire”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The taunter: Shell mouths off to everyone.

The tested: Monica tries to adjust to life away from her son.

The toucher: Nikki reaches out.

Morning — Each morning at Larkhall, the ladies are roused and queued up for their ablutions. Today is no different. Dominic knocks on Nikki’s door and says, “Ready for your shower?” That’s more than enough to lubricate the wheels of my imagination, but then something even more brilliant happens: The glimpses of Nikki’s morning are intercut with scenes of Helen’s similar activities. Except, well, Helen’s doing them of her own accord instead of marching to a screw’s orders.

Helen is in her robe (gasp); a towel is wrapped around her head. She hums tunelessly — like, really tunelessly. I’m glad you’re flawed in some way, Helen. But of course this “flaw” only makes you more adorable.

As Helen beholds the break of day, so does Nikki. The sun shines on Helen’s face, while Nikki must peer through the filmy window in her gloomy cell.

And then it’s time to face the mirror. Nikki’s mirror is more like a warped fun-house looking glass.

Helen goes out to the back garden, offering Sean some orange juice and a smile. Apparently it’s Take Your Boyfriend to Work Day:

Helen: Hey, I bet you’re pleased I roped you into this talk.

Sean: [half laughing, half sighing]

Helen: They’re dead keen — just be gentle with them.

Sean: Well, will they be gentle with me?

Helen: Course! You’ll love them.

Sean: You’re beginning to sound like their mother.

Helen: Oh, please.

Sean: I think you’d make a pretty good mother.

Sean, you just make me yawn. Helen, what are you thinking? Do you really prefer him to the dark-haired beauty who was just carefully applying mascara in her dimly lit cell — and no doubt thinking of you all the while?

Helen thinks Sean must be having an “early midlife crisis” because he keeps talking about having kids. That makes me think of Hedwig and the Angry Inch, specifically, references to “my early late 20s ” or “the late mid-80s.”

Sean says he just thinks it would be nice to be a bit “normal.” This leads him to make a half-assed marriage proposal. Helen just smiles, and the scene ends before we can tell what she’s thinking. You can borrow one of my yawns, Helen, if you need a quick way to make a point.

A hall at Larkhall — There’s a big banner on the wall. It says, “You may lock me up, you may throw away the key, but you can never take away the greatest freedom of all — my imagination.” But someone has crossed out “imagination” and replaced it with “Valium.” This reminds me of the time someone in my college dorm defaced a poster that said “beauty is inside” — she crossed out “inside” and wrote in “pain.”

At the end of the hallway is a door with a sign on it: Adult Literacy Class. And guess who’s inside? Yes, Denny. She’s got something to read now that her mum is writing her letters. She’s cute when she’s eager.

The bell rings, so Denny exits the classroom and walks right into the arms of that snake, Shell. Denny tells Shell she’s ready to try to write a letter to her mother, but Shell says they have more important “business” to take care of. Sigh. Denny, next time see if you can sign up for a class in Avoiding Diabolical Machinations.

Monica and Nikki are also leaving a class — theirs is a bit more advanced. Monica’s excited about the upcoming visiting hour; her son will be stopping by. Nikki says she’s jealous.

Monica: You never hear from Trisha?

Nikki: Well, I’ve had a couple letters, but they’ve stopped now.

Monica: You don’t keep in touch with your parents?

Nikki: I left home when I was 16. They didn’t like my lifestyle, if you know what I mean.

Monica: Do they know you’re in here?

Nikki: [shrugging] It was in the papers. It would just have confirmed everything they thought about me.

Monica: You’re a lovely girl, Nikki. Why don’t you write, try and make contact with them?

Nikki: What, like, play happy families? Not like you and Spencer.

My, that was an interesting peek at Nikki’s history. Interesting, but insufficient. Also, I agree that she’s a lovely girl, but her hair is a little helmet-like today.

The four-bed dorm — Shell tells Crystal to scram; she says she and Denny want to search the cell for the jellies (tranquilizers) Zandra’s been taking even though she’s pregnant. Crystal doubts that Shell has ever had such a selfless impulse in her life. Then she starts to yell about how much it hurts her to see Zandra like this. Shell once again pretends to be on a mission to confiscate Zandra’s drugs.

Crystal: I ain’t stupid, sister, but right now I don’t care what you do with them as long as you take them far away from her.

Crystal stomps out, and the scene ends before we can learn what Denny and Shell are really up to. These little mini-cliffhangers — scenes ending abruptly just when things are getting good — are the hallmark of soap operas, but I’m not used to them because I don’t really watch soaps. So I keep sighing and frowning.

Avoiding the question — Sean is sighing and frowning too. Helen has gone back inside and is about to leave for work, but he wants an answer to his question first.

Sean: Look, if you really don’t fancy it, that’s OK. I’m not gonna bulldoze you into anything.

Helen: Sounds like you are.

Sean: [grabbing her] OK, I am. Are you trying to give me a complex? Hmm?

Helen: [giggling] Oh, I love you.

Sean: So marry me.

Helen: Can we talk about this later? I’ve really, really got to go.

And with one last little kiss, she leaves. I don’t know, Sean: You probably should have a complex. And you should pack your things. Do it for me.

Visiting — Monica’s son doesn’t look very happy to see his mother. He’s not feeling well — he has a bad cough. And he doesn’t understand why his mother can’t come home (he has Down syndrome). Monica gets very concerned and begins to yell at anyone who will listen.

Water torture — Denny and Shell are pouring water on Zandra. Shell asks her about her deal with Lorna Rose, the guard Zandra’s blackmailing (and getting drugs from). Zandra denies everything, so Denny and Shell pull her off her bunk and throw her to the floor. They find the jellies in a hole in the mattress. Actually, they’re in a lipstick case in the mattress.

Shell: Never had Miss Rose down as a lipstick lezza.

Why does everything sound extra offensive when Shell says it?

Almost in the clear — Zandra and Lorna are having a heart-to-heart in the loo. Zandra asks for more drugs, but this time Lorna’s not playing. She tells Zandra that Helen already knows about the near-escape at the clinic, so Zandra has nothing on her now. Nyah, nyah, nyah!

Lorna: So. No more running little errands for you. Got it?

Shell: [emerging from a stall] Surprise, surprise! It’s amazing what you hear when you’re doing a number two.

Lorna: What’s going on?

Shell: I told ya. A number two.

OK, I’ll admit that she-devils are sometimes kind of funny.

Shell threatens to turn Lorna in for bringing drugs in and for delivering Zandra’s letters to Robin. Lorna gets nervous and starts to plead with Shell, but it’s clear that Lorna has just stumbled into a trap she won’t easily get out of. Poor Lorna. I almost feel sorry for you, but as my contracts professor always said, “The law does not protect the stupid.”

A scared son — Monica and Nikki talk about Spencer’s visit. Monica says he almost seemed afraid of her. Nikki tries to cheer her up and encourages her to call her lawyer about her appeal, but Monica’s losing heart.

Monica: I don’t want to hear bad news. I don’t think I could bear it.

Nikki: Fine. Just sit around moping for the next three years till your parole board meets.

This is all very depressing. Partly because there are so many neutral tones on the screen — that is a lot of beige.

Also, Nikki, I’m not sure reverse psychology will work on a smart cookie like Monica. She seems a little more savvy than that.

More depression — In the wing office, Dominic encounters a teary-eyed Lorna and tries to figure out what’s wrong. She brushes him off and stares into her teacup as if it were a time machine that could take her back to a time before Zandra and drugs and all the other slings and arrows of her outrageous fortune.

The four-bed dorm — Denny’s looking for reading material. Crystal suggests the Bible. Denny calls it “a pile of bleeding mince.” I looked up “mince” in the Urban Dictionary, and one of the definitions is “rubbish.” Whatever it means, it has offended Crystal — not that that’s difficult to do.

Zandra just cries; she misses her drugs. Zandra, you do cry a lot, even for a pregnant lady. Speaking of which, how are you still so rail-thin?

The wing office — Helen is meeting with her guards. One particular item of business gets a lot of attention:

Helen: I see that we’ve got a vacancy on G-3. I’d like to put Nikki Wade up there.

Everyone else: [stunned silence]

Helen: Well, don’t all talk at once.

Fenner: Wade? On Enhanced? Are you joking?

Helen: Obviously I’m not, Jim. Lorna, you’re Nikki’s personal officer. What do you think?

Lorna: Yeah, fine.

Hollamby: Fine? She’s worse than ever since she was put on that university course.

Helen: [standing up and pacing] No one is denying that Nikki is difficult.

Fenner: So, Helen, what exactly are you trying to prove?

Helen: [stern stare]

Dominic: Look. Nikki Wade’s a pain in the ass. But recently, you’ve gotta admit —

Hollamby: A few weeks’ good behavior and she gets the run of the place.

Dominic observes that nothing else has worked with Nikki, so they might as well try this. (“Enhanced,” by the way, is another way to refer to G-3. “Basic” means G-1, the bottom floor. I don’t know yet what they call G-2. “Middling”?)

Fenner: Well, the number one’s not gonna like it one bit.

Helen: Once you get round to telling him all about it, I’m sure he won’t.

Fenner, you need to learn to stop talking back to Helen. It only makes you look even more like a doofus than you usually do. Actually, please don’t stop talking back, because I like the way it affects Helen’s demeanor. Anything that provokes that stern glare is OK by me.

Here’s one thing I don’t get, though: With the exception of that time she tackled Shell, we haven’t really seen Nikki misbehave. I mean, other TV shows make a habit of “telling” rather than “showing,” but I expect more from Bad Girls. Don’t let me down already!

After the meeting, Dominic confronts Jim. Dom thinks Helen’s approaches have made a big difference. And he thinks Larkhall houses much worse than the likes of Nikki Wade. He mentions Shell, which of course puts Jim on the defensive.

Dominic: There’s never anything you can pin on Shell. Makes you wonder if someone’s tipping her off.

Oh, Dom. You’re noble, but you’re also such a rube. Fenner can out-scheme you in his sleep.

Nikki’s cell — Nikki’s still reading Romeo and Juliet. Monica’s hanging out in Nikki’s cell and knitting something for Spencer. Hollamby shows up to interrupt their down time.

Hollamby: Get your stuff together. You’re moving.

Nikki: Why? What the hell for?

Hollamby: You’re moving to G-3.

Nikki: G-3? You winding me up?

Hollamby: Miss Stewart’s instructions. You’ve obviously made a very favorable impression in certain quarters. Well, maybe you can fool Miss Stewart, but you can’t fool me. I’ve been in this job too long to have the wool pulled.

Nikki: Fifty years now, isn’t it?

Ha. Careful, Nikki: Don’t snark a gift horse in the mouth.

Monica gives Nikki a congratulatory hug. Yeah, it’s the tank top: They tend to invite hugs.

So Nikki moves right up to G-3. Shell is appalled.

Shell: What’s going on?

Nikki: Say hello to your new next-door neighbor.

Shell: You what?! She can’t move up here.

Nikki pretends to inspect her new digs. I’m still stunned by her attire and rather nice arms.

Shell says Nikki tried to kill her a couple of months ago and shouldn’t be treated so well. Hollamby says it wasn’t exactly her bright idea.

Nikki: Seems like it’s the governor’s decision, Shell.

Shell: You must be shaggin’ her.

Hollamby tells Dockley to scram. Nikki’s face looks a little bit guilty. She may not have done the actual shagging yet, but I suspect she’s thought about it more than once.

Nikki soon has her first visitor. It’s a very smiley Helen.

Helen: How are you settling in?

Nikki: Fine. Great view. Feels different being up here officially.

Helen: Nikki, I’m sure I don’t need to spell it out, but being on Enhanced does have its responsibilities. You know that, don’t you?

Nikki: Yep.

Helen: I need to know that I can trust you.

Look at those lips — who wouldn’t strive to be trustworthy, just for the teeniest kiss from Miss Stewart?

Nikki: I promise to behave myself and say my prayers before I go to bed, all right?

Helen: [sighing and looking dejected]

Nikki: Look, I’m not very good at this sort of thing. But thanks. Thanks a lot.

Helen: It’s OK.

It’s waaaaaay more than OK, Helen. Nikki now knows she’s your favorite. That’s why they call it that: You do favors for your favorite. Big ones.

Neighbors — Shell stops by to make peace with Nikki. And if you believe that, allow me to set you up on a date with a nice gentleman named Fenner. What Shell really wants to do is annoy Nikki to the point of rage — and she almost succeeds. But Nikki doesn’t quite let herself throttle the evil blonde.

Shell: What’s up, dyke? You scared?

Ugh. That would be enough to make me clock her, but Nikki’s still holding back. Dominic stops by just in time. Nikki just scoffs and shakes her head.

Dominic: [looking around the cell] You know who you’ve got to thank for this, don’t you?

Nikki: Yeah. The governor.

Dominic: She’s showing a lot of faith in you.

Nikki: Dunno why.

Dominic: Just don’t cock it up, yeah?

Nikki: What’s going on? Suddenly the place is awash with nice screws. Bodybag’ll be bringing me cups of tea next.

Dom just says good night, leaving Nikki to her books and her dreams. Of Helen. The dreams, not the books.

Delivering the boyfriend — Helen is taking Sean to Larkhall to do his little talk.

Sean: So do you think they’ll like me?

Helen: [smirking] A posh git banging on about plants?

She tells him to push the panic button on the classroom door if things do get nasty. Sean freezes in his tracks.

Helen: For God’s sake. Joke!

For God’s sake, indeed, Helen — he doesn’t even get your sense of humor! That is step one in finding a mate. Well, maybe step two. Good spelling and grammar are first.

Lorna’s locker — Lorna is stuffing jellies into a tube of Smarties (side note: In the U.K., Smarties are like M&Ms). Fenner shows up and peeks over her shoulder.

Fenner: Come on, I want a sweetie!

Ick. I will never eat sweets again. Lorna nervously digs out a Smartie and hands it to him. She looks like she’ll never eat sweets again either.

Sean’s class — Sean is teaching the girls a thing or two about gardening. He shows them some bulbs. Shell immediately pipes up, “They look like a pair of hairy balls.” She continues to crack jokes until Nikki tells her to shut it.

Nikki: Some of us are interested in this.

Shell: Yeah? And some of us are interested in hairy balls. I know you’re not.

Denny, why are you touching Shell and giggling with her? I don’t know why I keep trying to like you.

Sean tries to continue the lesson, but Shell and Denny interrupt again. Denny says she has to go to the toilet, and she and Shell joke about asking permission for toilet paper and whether Denny should be allowed to take four squares instead of two.

Nikki: [to Shell] You wanna go give Denny a hand? It’d be a first, ’cause usually Denny wipes your ass.

Everyone laughs. Sean smiles nervously. I dunno, Nikki: I think you should be quiet and let Shell attack Sean. He’d scream like a little girl.

More Shell games — Lorna finds Shell in her cell. This episode is just rife with Shell scenes. Infested, even.

Shell’s not happy with Lorna’s delivery: There simply aren’t enough “sweeties.” She tells Lorna to get more, even if it means going to the doctor herself to get them. After all, says Shell, Lorna’s looking kind of stressed. You could say that. Other words that might apply are frantic, haunted and falling apart.

A harsher lesson — The class is over, but Nikki is hanging out in the classroom, chatting with Sean about gardening. He says he owes Nikki “a few hours weeding” whenever she gets out and gets a garden of her own. He admits he was dead nervous. Nikki tells him he was great.

Guess who else is great? Helen. She has just walked in.

Helen: Hi, Nikki.

Nikki: Hiya.

Helen: [to Sean] So how did it go?

Sean: It was hell. I thought about using that panic button you mentioned. Anyway, home time. And you’re doing the cooking.

Nikki: [stunned expression]

Helen: Sorry. Didn’t Sean tell you? He’s my partner.

Sean: Well, you won’t be calling me that for much longer. [to Nikki] She just asked me to marry her. Forced me to say yes.

Helen: So, how did you enjoy the class, Nikki?

Nikki: Well. You learn something new every day.

Helen looks like she’s being pulled in several different directions. At least two.

First, let me just say that I enjoy the British use of the word “partner” with respect to straight couples. When I studied in England during college, I quickly developed a crush on a woman I was sure was gay. When she referred to her “partner,” I thought, oh, she’s taken. But it was quite a while before I realized her partner was male. By then I had moved on to a girl with a nose piercing and a penchant for public displays of affection.

Anyway. Where does Sean get off announcing an engagement he and Helen haven’t even really discussed? Sure, he only announced it to Nikki, but he doesn’t realize what a big audience that is for Helen.

And finally, I can’t believe Nikki is still wearing those flip-flops. When she leaves a room, it sounds like someone’s popping gum or smacking their lips. Only louder and more foot-oriented.

Suspicion — Dominic asks Lorna to help him “give Shell Dockley’s cell a spin”; he wants to search it for drugs because he thinks she’s been selling them to other inmates. Lorna wants to wait until after lunch (read: until after she’s had a chance to warn Shell), but Dominic’s keen to begin, and he needs Lorna to do the strip search.

Lorna tries to seem like she’s cooperating. She suggests they start with the strip search, knowing this requires that Dominic leave the cell — thus giving Shell time to hide the evidence.

You’re just doomed, Lorna. You get in deeper with every step, and you’re too dim to see it.

The potting shed — Nikki’s doing a little gardening. I guess Sean inspired her. But she’s interrupted: Helen waltzes in with a serious look on her face.

Nikki: Here comes the blushing bride-to-be. Kept that quiet, didn’t you?

Helen: Sean had just asked me to marry him. Not that it’s any of your business, actually.

Nikki: [shrugging] Why are you telling me then?

Helen: I really don’t know, but I certainly don’t have to explain myself to you.

Nikki: Fine.

Helen: You know, for some odd reason, it seems to upset you, Sean and I getting married.

Nikki: Odd reason. That’s a good one.

Helen: Nikki, what the hell is this about?

Nikki: [raising her voice] You really don’t know?

Helen: If I knew, I wouldn’t be asking you, would I?

Nikki: You wanna know what this is about? It’s about this.

And she takes Helen’s hand and puts it on her breast. Um, on her own breast. She essentially forces Helen to cop a feel. Yeah, it’s a little unexpected. Helen says, “Jesus Christ.”

Since when has this been a seduction tactic? Grabbing someone’s hand and putting it where you want it to go? Isn’t that assault? Maybe it’s just asinine.

After the fade-to-black commercial gap, we see Helen and Nikki fretting about what just happened. Nikki is still in the potting shed, stabbing some dirt with a trowel. Helen is in her office, sighing and fidgeting.

Helen picks up the phone. “Can you bring me Nikki Wade, please? Thanks.” Helen! Did you just summon yourself a girlfriend?

Shell’s cell — Dominic and Lorna are nearly done with their inspection. But then Dominic takes one last look at the birdcage, and there he finds what he’s looking for.

A birdcage? Shell has a poor, innocent bird? Birdcages make me sad generally, but this one is in a cage in a cell. Wah.

Shell starts to say the drugs aren’t hers, but she doesn’t “grass” on Lorna yet. (To “grass” means to rat someone out. And someone who does so is also called a “grass.” There are various theories as to the etymology of this expression. I think it’s probably best to just accept it — it’s fun to say. “Don’t be a grass! You grassed me up!” Try it and see.)

After Dominic leaves, Shell asks Lorna to stay behind for a second. Lorna says she can’t help Shell this time, so Shell asks to see Fenner instead.

Jeez. It’s one thing for Helen to have Nikki brought to her whenever she feels like it, but it seems that Shell can summon her playthings when she wants them, too. I can’t imagine being so demanding, especially not in prison. Clearly I don’t have what it takes to be a screw or a con. I’m OK with that.

Helen’s office — Speaking of desire, Nikki and Helen are talking about what happened in the potting shed. Nikki starts to apologize for being “out of order.”

Helen: [loudly and sternly] I don’t care what you were, Nikki.

Nikki: [silent, pained stare]

Helen: You’ll understand if I’m blunt. Now, I know that you’re a lesbian, and you’re comfortable with that and so on. But I’m a heterosexual. And I’m gonna get married very soon. I find your behavior inappropriate. You seem to want to go out of your way to make me feel uncomfortable.

Nikki: Why would I do that?

Helen: [sighing and softening a little] I like you, Nikki. I’ve encouraged you to do a degree. I’ve put you on Enhanced. But everything I have done for you, I have done for professional reasons. Now, I can assure you that’s the case.

Nikki: Fine. If you say so.

Helen: [gritting her teeth] If you ever do anything like that again … Nikki. Even if I were attracted to you — which I’m not — there is no way we could have a relationship. I mean, for a start, I would be sacked. What I’m trying to say to you is find another … another focus for your attention. Get back with Trisha. Anything. But don’t waste your time on me.

Nikki: [sharply] Well, I’m sorry to have caused you so much trouble, Miss.

And with that, Nikki flip-flops out the door. Judging by the look on Helen’s face, I’d say the trouble’s only beginning.

I don’t even know where to begin! Helen was so bossy, but she didn’t exactly put Nikki in her place. It seemed like she was trying to lecture herself more than anyone else. Keep trying to convince yourself, Helen. Nikki can see what’s going on, even if she has weird ways of acting on it.

Nikki mostly looked heartbroken as Helen rationalized everything. Ah, love: the highs, the lows, the gropes in the potting shed.

Doing his job too well — Fenner wants to know why Dominic decided to search Shell’s cell. He says Dom should have talked to him first. But Dom knows he did just what he should have done.

Fenner: Yeah, well. It’s hardly a major drugs haul, is it?

Dominic: Shell’s got too much power. She should be put on Basic where we can keep an eye on her.

Right on. Not only does she have too much power, but she also has too much screen time.

Fenner says Dominic is naive. Dominic accuses Fenner of having a blind spot where Shell’s concerned. Yeah, a blind spot and an erogenous zone. I’ve just squicked myself.

Fenner gives a little speech about how useful Shell is to him in keeping the women quiet. He worries that Dom has turned Shell against him. Right on cue, Lorna arrives to tell Jim that Shell wants to see him.

Jim trundles up the stairs to Shell’s cell. Is there a fitness requirement for prison guards? ‘Cause Fenner doesn’t really seem fit to climb all those stairs. Oh, I guess I was wrong: He’s fit enough to slam Shell against the wall when he gets to her cell.

Fenner: Don’t you ever summon me again.

Yeah, Shell. Put that genie back in the bottle. It’s only going to curse you.

Shell tells Jim the drugs are Lorna’s. He nearly breaks her hands as he tells her how much he’s done to defend her and how close she is to being transferred. See, now he’s sweating and red-faced. He really needs to get in shape if he wants to be this kind of thug. He throws Shell to the floor. She’s scared and crying.

Great. Now I actually feel sorry for you, Shell. Fenner is the lowest of the low, and even you don’t deserve that kind of bullying.

Back in the wing office, Jim says he’s just “thrown the bloody book at Dockley.” Lorna prods him for more info: Does Shell still blame Nikki? Jim says Shell doesn’t blame anyone. Lorna, wipe that slight smile off your face. I’m sure Jim will hold on to Shell’s accusations until he needs them. At least until the next time you refuse to give him sweeties when he asks. Ack, I’m nauseated again! Everything I say in reference to Jim just sounds dirty.

A dinner of hope — Monica has just seen her solicitor. It seems there’s a good chance she might soon be reunited with Spencer.

Crystal: You’re lucky you’re a white woman, girl. You only got five years, and now you’re gonna walk.

Nikki: Oh, don’t be daft, Crystal.

Crystal: If she had been black, she’d have got life, and no appeal allowed. That’s a fact.

Monica: Don’t worry, Crystal. I know I’m one of the lucky ones.

Crystal: I’ll say a prayer for you. Only He can save you. Him, and a good barrister.

I think I like you, Crystal. You’re funny, and you hated Shell from the moment you met her, so clearly you’re a good judge of character.

Elsewhere, Zandra and Denny discuss Shell’s situation.

Zandra: When’s Shell’s adjudication?

Denny: Tomorrow.

Zandra: Is she gonna grass Lorna Rose up?

Denny: Dunno. I friggin’ would.

Zandra: I hope she gets put on Basic. She stitched me right up.

You’re wasting your breath, Zandra. For reasons I have yet to discern, Denny is utterly loyal to Shell.

More treachery — Lorna visits Shell. She thinks Shell didn’t say anything to Jim, and Shell (of course) plays along with this. She makes Lorna think she likes her and can count on her. I’m officially giving up hope for you, Lorna. You’ve gone beyond clueless and right into pathetic.

Helen’s flat — Helen has just been for a run, I think. She’s been working out in some way, anyway. Did you have to cover yourself with that sweatshirt, Hel?

She flops onto the couch, sighing heavily. Sean gets home and is surprised to see her looking all sweaty since they have dinner plans.

Helen: Do you mind if we leave it for another time? I really don’t feel like eating.

Sean tries to insist, but Helen isn’t budging. Sean says she doesn’t seem herself.

Helen: I’m fine.

Sean: You’re not regretting already, are you? About getting married?

Helen: Oh, don’t be stupid.

She doesn’t say it in a way that means “Don’t be stupid; you know I love you.” It’s more like “Don’t be stupid; I’m not even thinking about you at all.”

Helen says she only wants to put off dinner and wants to marry him as soon as possible. As if she’s trying to make sure that’s really what she wants, she gives him a big kiss and gazes into his eyes. She just looks worried.

Shell’s adjudication — Yeah, Shell’s definitely in trouble. She’s lost her job in the kitchen, won’t get as many “personal spends” (money to buy snacks and other items with) and will be moved back to Basic.

And move she does: She packs up her things in big HMP Larkhall plastic bags and makes her way down the stairs. The G-3 inmates gather around to watch her go.

Nikki: Off on your holidays, Shell? Send us a postcard, won’t you?

Crystal greets Shell as she arrives at her new abode. And by “greets,” I mean “goads.”

Crystal: That’s what you get for being a lying bitch, Dockley. [to the screws] Shoulda put her in solitary and chained her to the wall.

I can’t believe how much you’re smiling as you say that, Crystal!

Losing faith — Back up on G-3, Helen is telling Monica she qualifies for a “home visit”; she may get to spend a whole day with Spencer. Monica thanks Helen for making such a difference at Larkhall.

Monica: We’ve all got faith in you. [calling across the way] Haven’t we, Nikki? Haven’t we all got faith in Helen?

Nikki: Oh, yeah. Loads of faith.

Ouch. Helen registers Nikki’s sarcastic tone and takes her leave. Monica just looks confused. Maybe you’re not as smart as I thought, Monica. How can you not have noticed the sparks flying between these two? It’s like not noticing that Shell is an irredeemable sociopath. Or not noticing that Fenner’s repulsive.

Speaking of sociopaths — Denny visits Shell in her new cell. Shell is sitting on the bunk, holding her dead bird in her hands. Denny asks what happened.

Shell: What do you think? His heart broke.

Yeah. Either that, or his neck broke when you snapped it. Denny’s suspicious, but Shell says the bird just keeled over. She doesn’t know what she’s going to do without him. I think the bird, on the other hand, is probably in a much better place.

Denny suggests that Shell grass on Lorna, but Shell says she needs hard evidence. She tells Den not to worry, but then she sobs. After Denny leaves, she coldly flushes the dead bird down the toilet.

Night calls — Shell and Denny yell back and forth about Charlie, the dead bird. Monica and Nikki talk about getting out.

Nikki: Another day gone, Monica. How many you got left?

Monica: Not many, I hope. What about you?

Nikki: Roughly 3,655.

Don’t worry, Nikki. At least a few of them will be spent in the company of the lovely Miss Stewart.

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: The two Julies study biology; Nikki and Helen argue.

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