“Guiding Light” mini-cap 7/10: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Leccia?


Cue The Sound of Music.

OK, as unimaginative as it is, GL had to create a storyline to logistically answer Jessica Leccia’s four week maternity leave. Essentially, they asked themselves, how do you solve a problem like Leccia? So, naturally, the powers that be chose a pregnancy and an abbey retreat with forced nun control.

So every time I ask myself questions like, why did Liv decide to take a jog around the pond instead of immediately going to Natalia? And why did she wait until the next day to call the love of her life, who out of the blue says through an interpreter that she doesn’t want to see her? I have to answer myself with that definite daytime dilemma: How do you solve a problem likeLeccia? Of course — you send her to the sisters, just not the Sapphic sort.

And so we begin.

A sleep deprived Liv calls Nat and leaves a message, pleading for her to pick up the phone. Liv runs to the farmhouse desperately knocking on the door; running from window to window calling Natalia’s name. More phone calls begging Nat not to ignore her. Liv trembles with foreboding.

Olivia goes to the police station to report a missing person, not that the SPD could find their hand in the dark. And what would an Otalia-themed scene be without Frank? I wouldn’t have the slightest idea, because he is here in perpetuum.

Frank reasons cold feet for why Natalia didn’t show, but Liv responds absolutely not, Natalia is honest with her. The smirk of the schmuck across the table says, Hello, my name is Frank, have we met? True, she did honestly dump you at the alter.

Father Ray apologizes to Olivia. He was supposed to tell her that he counseled Natalia to leave town on a retreat for conflictedde -programming, but a parishioner was involved in an accident and he was otherwise engaged. Yet somehow Bishop Beelzebub found time to be in the barbecue montage.

Liv is paralyzed with fear and calls Philip to drive her home. Then Liv arrives at the farmhouse. Other than on the vehicle of inconsistent editing, I’m not sure how she got there. Nevertheless, trying to pen a note to Natalia with palsied hand is useless. She crumples the note, throws it at the house, and buckles into a sobbing heap.

Having enlisted a combative reinforcement self-restrained by Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Olivia waits on the other half of her female buddy movie so they can search every nunnery,abby, and Carmelite convent for Natalia.

Doris arrives dragging a huge suitcase and half the mini-mart. Honestly, it’s nice to see a suitcase used for what it was intended instead of the conspicuous concealment of baby bump. I understand completely, Doris, what’s a road trip without a fewCheez-its, and you never know what shoes will be required for Nat tracking.

My apprehension subsides as Olivia starts the engine of the white Nissan and not a retro baby blue convertible. Though honestly, I have always envisioned Doris with a convertible and head scarf. With no Grand Canyon and onlyOakdale in sight, Olivia and Doris begin the adventure of answering the question, how do you solve a problem like Leccia?

Contemplating the virtues of Oakdale, Doris thinks about her impending network-induced term limit. She ponders moving to Oakdale and running for mayor. It’s a nice thought, but considering Oakdale is a CBS city with its full compliment of two gays, it’s just not going to happen.

The first stop is a bust as it is a retreat for nuns, though Doris does point out that Natalia could pass. And so could Liv with that forced network chastity agreement. On to St. Andrew. Could the writer’s of GL be having a little fun with us as “St. Andrew’s Cross” is an X and X marks the spot? Nah, that sounds as contrived as red herring.

Olivia tries to convince the mother superior to let her see Natalia. The head mother is steadfast. Liv tries to play upon her Christian compassion saying God sent her there to alleviate Nat’s pain. Moreappropriately, God should have sent a plague instead. They already have gNat’s, so there are nine more to choose. Let our people go.

Olivia’s dependence on the kindness of strangers denied, she walks away only to circle back as if a streetcar upon its route of desire. “Natalia, I love you! And you love me and two people who love each other should never be kept apart. Natalia!”

No-talia. Olivia wants to go home. She doesn’t want to be this pathetic character any more. She came for answers and got nun.

And that’s how you solve a problem like Leccia.

For updates and in-between Otalia postings go to www.mindschmootz.net.

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