TV

“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (7.10): An Inconvenient Ex-Husband

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane has to resolve a case. Maura has to spend too much time with Kent. And there was also a duck.

Because of the two-week break, I blissfully forgot that this was the “Maura has a secret husband”-episode. But then, oh right, they’re really doing this. *insert audible groan*

Mama Rizzoli is at Jane’s place. She has brought framed photos to liven up the man cave. Jane takes this rare Maura-less interaction to talk about her mother’s continued anxiety about her job. Is this some sort of veiled talk for Jane’s own anxiety about revealing her relationship with Maura. Because, to be honest, both these issues should have been dealt with ages ago.

Then Maura pops in all hopeful at the sight of them deep in discussion, like, “Oh hai, are we finally having the talk?” But, alas, no. Maura explains her non-presence—because we all know it’s an aberration–by saying she was working late at Hope’s clinic again. But now it’s time for them to go to the crime scene together because it’s physically impossible for them to arrive separately and the whole Boston Police Department knows it.

As Maura and Jane arrive on scene, Maura babbles about how much she loves working at the clinic—but Jane knows she has to come clean. Yes, she got a job offer at the FBI. And, yes, she has been thinking about it. Yeah, I know—if I was Maura I’d be pretty pissed she has been considering such huge life decisions without her, too.

See, this is just like Jane. Maura gets something new in her life she is passionate about and Jane gets passive aggressive about her own news. Maura pretends to be happy for Jane. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she is happy and proud of her girlfriend. But this is really screwing up her “We retire and move to Maine together where I write mystery novels and you shoot the breeze with the local fishermen all day”-fantasy scenario.

But, after so many years together with Jane, Maura knows her life choices freak outs must be played out to their natural conclusion. So they start brainstorming pros and cons of her taking the FBI job.

Pro: No more late-night work calls.

Con: No more falling into bed together to snuggle after late-night work calls.

Pro: No more chasing vicious criminals into dangerous situations.

Con: No more Jane looking hot chasing vicious criminals into dangerous situations.

Pro: No more people shooting at you.

Con: No guarantee Jane still won’t shoot herself in the stomach, just for old time’s sake.

Back in the office, Straightzzoli is having their own relationship problem. Well, problem is a bit of a stretch. At first, I thought maybe they were gonna make Nina pregnant and I would be like, come on, we’ve tried this plot before and no one liked it. But, whew, it’s just a visit from Nina’s boyfriend-hating mother. All clear, guys, no need to schedule for anyone to be shot to end a surprise pregnancy again.

At the crime scene, the team discovers the shotgun blast victim’s phone is still on and active. So Jane goes to search for it and instead finds…Maura’s ex-husband! He is knocked out and banged up, but alive. Like, is this plot because one of the writers lost a bet? Or, in their last season, did they just decide to put crazy plots on a board and throw darts at them to decide how to end this thing?

Jane is equally perplexed. You’d think sharing someone’s bed, heart, life day-in and day-out would warrant a little heads up about a bad beard experiment gone wrong. Mostly I think she’s a little embarrassed she has to admit she doesn’t know every little thing about Maura’s life to the team. Like, this is a woman who sits through Maura’s fencing tournaments. That is devotion.

Though I do like how Frankie is being so protective of Jane’s relationship and equally incensed that Maura would leave out this juicy tidbit. Granted, all but the few, the proud the Gold Stars among us have ex-boyfriends in our past. But an ex-husband? That’s kind of a Joe Biden-approved Big Fucking Deal.

Maura says he came from a wealthy family. They were young and foolish and ran off to get hitched. Then the next morning they got it annulled. So this is a Britney Spears/Jason Alexander situation? Though the bigger question is, why was her ex-hubby still carrying their wedding photo around in his wallet? Granted, marrying Maura Dorthea Isles would indeed be the high point in any human person’s life. But, dude, you knew going in she was totally gay. Let it go.

Speaking of letting go, Mama R runs into Joanne, Ron’s daughter. She apologizes, sorta, for breaking her and her father up. So, hold up, are they laying the groundwork for Mama R and Ron to get back together? Then next they decide to move in together in a new place, thus having Mama R leave Maura’s guestroom and thereby freeing her up to follow Jane to Virginia? I take it all back, writers. Genius move, genius.

The murder case hums along (dead guy was a forensic accountant, Maura’s ex-hubby’s company might have been in trouble, yada yada), but the real case is how Maura is doing. Jane inquires with Kent, who says it’s hard to say. So helpful, that one. Such a valuable addition to the team. So much better than Senior Criminalist Susie Chang.

Sorry, in case you were confused, that was real sarcasm—not Donald J. Trump sarcasm.

Both cases are at sort of a standstill when Nina comes in with new information pertaining to both. Maura’s ex-hubby isn’t so ex after all. Cue dun-dun-dun music.

So Dr. Maura Isles is a married lady and Jane tells her she’s glad their relationship was still just a Boston marriage. The annulment papers were never filed. Um, isn’t that the sort of thing you double-check? Wouldn’t there be some verification after all the ink dries?

Maura is now frantically on the phone trying to figure out how she could still be married to a man when same-sex marriage is finally the law of the land. Jane is there, too, filled with sympathetic looks and a lot of red wine. You know they’re in for a romantic evening of consoling each other when there is wine, cheese, grapes AND cured meats set out.

Maura’s Vegas divorce lawyer had a stroke before he filed the paperwork. Um, Maura, wasn’t it odd when you didn’t get a bill for the divorce afterward? Lawyers live for billable hours. I know this because I watched The Firm. Jane is doing her best to not tease her about being a straight married lady.

Maura says her not-ex-ex-husband couldn’t have committed the murder. But Jane says she knows Maura’s past taste in beards and it hasn’t always been stellar. Remember the guy who gave her a severed hand sculpture and then tried to murder her? Instead, she gently prods her on why she never told her about her quickie marriage. Maura says it’s a long story and every gay lady has that weird “boyfriend” story they’re embarrassed about. Alternately, Maura could be, you know, bi.

Jane smiles a soft smile at her and says, “Good thing we’ve got two bottles of wine.” And then they snuggle together by the crackling fire surrounded by candlelight and Maura tells Jane about that boy she thought maybe she’d go straight for in college, because just for a second one crazy night she thought it might be easier than all the shit that comes with being out and gay.

Yeah, sure, since then we’ve had “It Gets Better” and the end of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and the legalization of marriage equality. But it was less than 20 years ago that being gay was something so crazy you had to announce it on the cover of a major international magazine with a big, “Yep.” Also, let’s explain to the children what magazines are.

Aw, Maura—we all did crazy things in college we can’t account for—some of us did them long after. But what matters is you go through them and are now sitting in your beautiful house with your beautiful girlfriend in front of a beautiful fire and—wait a minute. Come on now, you two. It’s time to be honest with yourselves and the world. Courage, ladies. Maybe one more glass of wine will help.

Jane is now questioning the not-ex-ex-husband’s mother in the hospital waiting room. She is there with a shifty looking hedge fund manager because I guess rich people just travel with them wherever they go. Maura’s not-ex-ex-mother-in-law starts bad-mouthing Maura because she’s clearly evil and must be destroyed. I don’t know how Jane had the restraint not to shoot her right then and there.

The not-ex-ex-husband wakes up and then is equally rude to Jane, refusing to speak to her. Well, it could have been worse. At least he didn’t make up some cockamamie story about being robbed at gunpoint by men dressed like police officers to cover up for being a drunken asshole.

Back in the office we have to endure almost three minutes of Kent blathering on about his love for ramen. I’m assuming this is another one of the plots the darts hit on the board and we’ll just leave it at that.

So now Maura has to go save the day by confronting her not-ex-ex-husband herself. She goes to his hospital room and he gets his mom to leave by asking for chicken soup. Wait, not ramen? What was the point of the Kent scene… Oh, never mind.

Maura has figured out that her not-ex-ex-husband put their wedding photo in his wallet because she was the one person in law enforcement he knew he could trust. Sure. That’s why. Not that he has been secretly pining for decades for a woman he can never truly have. That whole vague and cryptic cry for help for law enforcement thing. Sure.

Blah blah blah. Secret money being paid illegally from his father’s company. Blah blah blah. Went to meet the forensic accountant/shotgun victim. Blah blah blah. Only one copy of the incriminating payments left and it’s in his house. Blah blah blah. I have to say, this is an incredibly elaborate ploy to get Maura to go to his place.

Maura, as his wife—sorry, I can’t type that without laughing for like 20 minutes—can legally go to his house to find them. So she does. Meanwhile, Jane is having the best time teasing her girlfriend about being a straight married lady. Like, seriously, this is the most fun she’s had in forever.

Speaking of people having fun by stringing people along, Nina’s mom clearly knows all about her relationship with Frankie even though they’re trying to hide it. But don’t worry, she totally approves. I mean, who wouldn’t approve of Frankie? He’s a puppy in an ill-fitting suit.

Maura, meanwhile, is dealing with a much more aggressive mother-in-law—the kind packing heat. The not-ex-ex-mother-in-law confronts her at gunpoint about the papers. She tries to convince her that what she is doing is in her son’s, and family’s best interest.

Then Jane, sensing Maura is in trouble like Lassie and that well, calls and confirms that the shotgun traces back to the hedge fund manager. Has Bernie Madoff taught rich people anything? It’s always the money guy, always.

Maura is headed back with the evidence but, wouldn’t you know it, money guy is there driving next to her and then driving her off the road. Her poor Beautiful Toyota! Maura is OK, but now it’s time to flee because money guy has his fancy shotgun aimed at her.

OK, well the one true upside of Jane taking a teaching job at the FBI is that bad people will stop shooting, threatening and kidnapping Maura. Maybe. I mean, she would still work for the FBI and you know she wouldn’t just be able to sit behind a desk. Nope, I take it back. The only way to keep Maura safe is the aforementioned early retirement to Maine.

Of course, if they do that we’ll never again see the incredible hotness of Jane saving her lady in true badass fashion. So, like I was saying, there are pros and cons to all decisions.

And then they had “saved your life” eye sex afterward. You know the thank-you sex will be off the charts later tonight. But first, they have to give us all a heart-attack thinking Maura and her not-ex-ex-husband might be getting back together. Psyche! They’re getting a divorce!

Yeah, even the writers weren’t crazy enough to put “Maura marries a dude for real” on the insane plot board. The gang is all there to throw a “Mazel tov, you’re divorced!” party. All the happy couples are there: Frankie and Nina, newly reunited Mama R and Ron, Jane and Maura.

Too bad Kent isn’t there—I think him and Maura’s now actually ex-husband would totally hit it off. Except for the ramen vs. chicken soup thing. That could be a dealbreaker. As the seventh wheel, ex-hubby resigns himself to telling fun stories about Maura’s feminist past. Like, did you know she tried out to be a professional wrestler fighting gender inequality and called herself “Maura the Mauler.” Oh, you know Jane is going to start using that nickname in the bedroom—you just know it.

Jane and Maura retire to the couch as the party goes on around them. Then Jane tells Maura she has decided to take the job. Well, Quantico is on the coast. So while it’s not Maine I’m sure there is still a sea shanty Maura could find for them to live in so she could write her novels.

Maura says she is proud of her. And also this means maybe Jane will start wearing collared shirts. She lets out an almost imperceptible moan. Come on, you know how good Jane looks in collared shirts. Jane makes no promises, but she does tell Maura the employee discount at the FBI gift shop is 25 percent off. So, finally, she’ll be able to get her a real T-shirt she can wear outside. I mean, the Boobies one is just in private, clearly.

And now, your #gayzzoli tweets of the week. We’re all very mad Maura’s secret marriage wasn’t to Jane, but we’re even more relieved the divorce went through. Whew.

– walrizz (@walrizz) August 16, 2016

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button