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“The Fosters” recap (4.6): Hurricane Lena

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon took the SATs for Tristan Weasley, the only squib in the Weasley clan, so he could help pay for Cortney to retain custody of Mason (the other toddler in their house). Stef threw Lena a killer 40th birthday party complete with costumes, strippers, and the bombshell that Lena’s dad owes the IRS, and it might cost them the Adams Fosters house. Mariana, Emma, and Peggy kicked ass at the robot challenge proving, once again, that girls rule and boys drool. Oh, and Callie can’t help herself and decides to help Kyle prove he didn’t murder that neighbor lady.

Stef and Lena are talking to Stuart in the dream kitchen, which may become the figment-of-your-imagination kitchen because there’s a lien on their house and he can’t cover what he owes the government.

photos via Freeform/Eric McCandless

Mariana bops down the stairs ready to kick ass at STEAM club. Jesus can’t believe he woke up this early to play with robots. After a couple of Terminator jokes Stuart got from Tim Kaine, he’s off to try to fix his hole with the IRS by continuing to dig.

Mariana flips her shit when Stef asks why Nick might think she was coming back to see her. Good thing Stef didn’t share that Nick is maybe getting released from Radley.

Lena sees Brandon and Cortney sitting in the parking lot, tells him to get his ass inside before classes start, and then gives him a gentle lecture about how his girlfriend is taking advantage of him, all without breaking a sweat. Lena is a goddess.

AJ thinks Callie is a drag because she needs to work on her senior project and doesn’t want to play water balloon tag. She objects but I think Callie being lame is a good thing. No more running away, stealing stuff, punching dudes in the face, or sleeping with your foster brother. You just be boring, Callie.

Jude and Taylor are talking about Noah, Jude’s maybe replacement for Connor. Taylor drops the fact that Noah was stoned at Lena’s party and Jude all but makes the record scratch noise. Preacher’s kids-always the most trouble.

Nick’s hearing is a clusterfuck of his father yelling at Stef and blaming Mariana for making Nick show up all armed and unhinged. Gross, dude. Go back to running the Trump campaign. Stef lays out the facts about him living in their attic/garage/in the Mike Montgomery apartment under their porch. Mr. Stratos is gross and homophobic and generally rude and icky. But Nick gets his way. The shock of a rich, white boy getting off the hook!

Ezra Fitz’s clone, the music teacher, pops into Lena’s office to give her Brandon’s letter of recommendation. He doesn’t know why Brandon would retake the SATs since Juilliard doesn’t require them. Whoopsie. Someone’s gonna be in trouble. I can’t wait!

Emma snaps at Jesus for drilling the holes in the wrong place for the robot while Mariana caves to the dude in the hemp poncho (are those really a thing? Kids wore those when I was in middle school 25 years ago). Emma tells Mariana not to give in, and they snap at each other because everyone is really tense. Nick, ever the calming influence, texts Mariana to ask her to come visit him.

Brandon is practicing piano when Lena comes home, slams the front door, and then rips him a new one. Don’t mess with Tami Taylor, y’all. She knows he took the test for someone else. She knows and she is pissed that he put her in the position of having to report him and ruin his future. How did he get to be so stupid, incapable of making sound decisions, and willing to blame every other person on the planet? Well, he’s been doing that for about two and a half seasons now, but it’s nice you finally noticed. Oh, is it satisfying to watch him get his ass handed to him on the plate.

Stef has been Cagney to Callie’s Lacey as has found out some facts about Kyle’s case. Namely that Patrick (the alibi witness) was arrested for molestation a few months before the murder but was never charged. Seems like he got a deal to make the murder charge stick to Kyle.

Meanwhile, Noah and Jude are playing video games. Preacher’s kid sucks at video games because his mom thinks they are bad for his brain but she isn’t at all opposed to getting a medical marijuana card for her 15-year-old. Pardon me while I sit on my hands instead of getting all self-righteous… Okay, the urge has passed. Noah offers to bring some of it over the next day. Oh little Jude, come on man.

Callie explains to Aaron how they are back to square one with the case. But she got seventy billion boxes from Kyle’s mom so they can go through all the files together and completely ignore the other stuff Callie is supposed to be doing.

Cortney and Brandon are taking a walk on the beach, discussing the just how fucked they are. It’s about an 11. She stops him to give him 900 dollars. She sold her surfboard and gear to pay him back.

Stef has to break the news to Lena that her father owes the government over 300 thousand dollars and that they are all screwed because of it. Lena doesn’t want to believe it and then yells at Stef because she was the one who told Lena that her dad isn’t perfect.

Stef isn’t the only one getting yelled at. Lena finds Callie and Aaron working on something that isn’t her senior project and screams at them, too. Maybe she’s losing it because her dad might have lost their house but frankly, Callie needed a boot in the rear over the senior project about a month ago, so. Pissed off Lena is so great. Think if she held these kids to reasonable expectations all the time.

STEAM club is kind of a mess courtesy of robo bro who thought the tires were super cool. Mariana gets yelled at about them and tells robo bro to go get started coding and try not to screw it up for everyone else. She’s in charge, bro. she gets a text and rushes off, leaving Emma to drive Jesus home.

Jude wants to know if Brandon has ever done pot. Oh, has he ever. Who can forget the beautiful moment of Brandon freaking the hell out and Lena coming to get him? Comedy gold. Brandon tells Jude what happened, and Jude assures him that he’s just asking for, you know, science.

Emma Earp read the signs wrong and thought Jesus wanted to do the sex. Nope, he just wanted a ride home because she thinks he’s stupid. She doesn’t think he’s stupid, but he did break her heart so that’s why they can’t date. Oh lord, enough of this farce! Emma Earp like Doc, just deal with it! They spot Mariana going to talk to Nick in the prison yard. Oh good Christ, someone make a halfway decent decision already!

Jude gets through telling Noah about how he doesn’t want to smoke pot. Too bad they are already halfway through Spencer Hastings’ stash of edibles. Oh, someone call Officer Toby!

Brandon is very pleased to tell Lena that he talked to Squib Weasley and gave back the money, made him promise to take the test himself, and now she doesn’t have to turn him in. She reminds him of the fake IDs and how he needs to fix his damn judgment, so he stops being completely moronic instead of cleaning up mess after mess.

Jude and Noah are high as fuck and being idiots which is funny until Stef barges in, tells them they have to keep the door open, and then leaves them to dissolve into giggles and kisses.

Stuart is back and armed with a few new get rich and fix all the problems schemes. He just needs a small loan of twenty thousand dollars. Good one, Stu. What did you think this was, Trump’s house? It’s not going to happen, Stuart. It’s time to pay up since you’re not JP Morgan, Goldman Sachs, or any number of too big to fails. You’re just a regular guy, and regular guys go to jail.

Callie is working through some shit via the therapeutic method of collage (next week papier mache). But it’s not working so she takes a utility knife to her project. Aaron walks in and tells her that it’s not easy to look at old pictures of painful times. For him, it’s looking at old pictures of himself. He comes out as transgender and talks about how he can’t run away from that time in his life any more than she can run away from hers. When she says she has a trans friend he cracks on her being so typical but it turns out he actually knows Cole. It’s pretty funny. Aaron comes bearing the gift of a missing fax page. It’s going to be useful when Callie remembers that Kyle is left-handed, and the killer was right-handed! Dun dun dun!

Stef tells the twins that Nick has been released to a group home. Oh, Stef, joke’s on you. These two already know that. They better tell Stef if Nick tries to contact either of them. Yeah, you’re a little late for that, Stefanie.

Jesus screams at Mariana for going to see Nick. She tells him about how Nick manipulated her into saying she still cares about him. She can’t bring herself to cut him off in case he tries to kill himself. She doesn’t want that kind of guilt.

Lena and Stef are going to have to help Stuart fix the problem. The next day they meet with a realtor. No! Not the dream kitchen!

Robo bro coded what Mariana asked him to do but in a way that no one else can use what he did. Motherfucker! So she tells him to redo it. Instead, he calls her a bitch and quits the team. #MasculinitySoFragile. She’s like “cool, bitches get shit done.” All the boys but Jesus leave, too. High school boys, always the lamest!

We wrap up by seeing Callie “be fun” by getting AJ with a water balloon and Jude munching on some weed candy. Come on, Judicorn.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night.

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