“Pretty Little Liars” recap (7.3): Welcome to the Amish Dollhouse

You guys, this episode was like a greatest hits reel of all my favorite PLL tropes: black hoodies, masks, dolls, vehicular manslaughter. Truly a cornucopia of batshittery. We open with Hanna looking at a fake engagement ring. Aria sees burns on her back and demands to know what happened in A.D.’s shed, but Hanna doesn’t want to talk about it Aria, gosh! Hanna, we’ll support you, even if electroplay is your new kink! Emily tells the Liars that she saw Rollins and Mary Drake arguing, and it seemed like they were in cahoots. Real deep cahooting. Emily thinks that Rollins is maybe a psychotic piece of shit who is holding Ali hostage at Wellby, and she asks Spencer to ask Toby to do some police work. Aria feels really bad about the whole thing, considered she married them. Huh, who would have thought that Aria has suspect taste in men? I got a job at Radley, so I can kiss selling weed out of my mom’s Volvo goodbye! We then cut to Wellby, where Rollins checks on Ali, to find her missing. She then launches herself onto his back and tries to strangle him with her own IV cord. Now there’s the Alison DiLaurentis we know and love! They struggle, but Rollins injects her with sedatives before she can escape. As the drugs set in, he buckles a Hannibal Lecter-style face mask onto her. I am SO gonna eat his liver with fava beans and a nice chianti The next day, Emily remembers she’s single and goes to the Brew to flirt with Sabrina. She talks about her new gig bartending at the Radley and asks Sabrina out. Sabrina is interested (hey girl hey) but still weirded out by the whole “Ezra’s key stealing” thing. Uh, have you seen Emily? Sometimes you gotta let shit slide, Sabrina. Hey, girl, I know I stole your boss’s key. How about I steal your heart? Pass Spencer visits Toby’s trailer, where she sees Yvonne. She apologizes for stealing Yvonne’s boyfriend for various illegal activities, and Yvonne tells her that she’s engaged. Spencer catches a case of the feels and scurries off without talking to Toby. Meanwhile, the rest of the Liars roll into Wellby and meet with the head doctor, Dr. Friedman, about Rollins shady shenanigans. One of my favorite things about the Liars being grown-ups now (aside from the copious drinking) is that they can roll into someone’s office and demand to be heard. Age comes with agency, and I’m glad the Liars are finally using it to their advantage. Dr. Friedman takes the Liars to check on Ali, but they find her sedated and calm. Rollins checks in and tells them to mind their own business, but the Liars are in no mood for his bullshit. Looks like Emily already got her hands on some of those sedatives And shared them with Aria Spencer goes home to her “boyfriend” Caleb and tells him about the engagement. She also confesses that she’s wanted to jump his bones since their Madrid trip, and Caleb says he feels the same way. Spencer finally asks him if anything went down between him and Hanna, and he tells her that they kissed at the Lost Woods. Spencer asks him point blank if he still has feelings for Hanna, and he doesn’t answer, which is basically a yes. Before they can get into it, Jason calls. Apparently he had no idea that Ali was locked up, and is returning from Out of Town in a few days to rescue her. When Spencer relays this info to the Liars, Emily asks what Toby found out. She gets pissed when she realizes that Spencer never talked to Toby, and tells her to snap out of it because Ali’s life is on the line. The Liars discuss Ali’s possible murder of Charlotte, in which case, she has no one to blame but her murdering self. Emily takes Mary Drake’s files from Spencer’s purse and heads off to confront Toby herself. We need to rescue Ali. And we also need some Doritos. Yeah, Doritos first, right guys? Aria, Hanna, and Spencer head to the DiLaurentis house to snoop in the locked trunk. Aria rifles through Rollins’ belongings (really, though? Aria? I mean, she did find that key in that button jar one time) While Spencer and Hanna talk about the Haleb kiss. Hanna apologizes to Spencer and assures her that Caleb is her past and Jordan is her future, and she has zero feelings for Caleb anymore. Hmm…when is that lie gonna break? Aria grabs the key and opens up the trunk, where she finds stacks of black hoodies, some mask making clay, and several vials of drugs. She takes photos of the drugs one vial at a time like an insane person, so, of course, Rollins comes back, and she has to sneak out of the house. This is gonna look so good on my Pinterest board They go back to Spencer’s house and stare at a pic of Ali and Rollins on the laptop, wondering how this relative stranger who barely knew Ali could have hoodwinked them all. Girls, girls, girls: what have we told you about anonymous white men in Rosewood? Don’t trust them! Aria finds an Amish bed and breakfast on Rollins’ credit card statement, and she and Hanna head off to Amish country in search of clues. Aria keeps trying to get Hanna to talk about her torture, but Hanna refuses. If she starts talking about it, she won’t be able to stop crying. Over at Radley, Emily is starting her new bartending job. More importantly, she’s wearing her new uniform, which consists of a white button-down and suspenders. Swoon. Anyway, Sabrina comes in, and Ems decides to bold and bring her a drink. She tries to explain the key thievery away and is about to ask her out again when Sabrina’s hot girlfriend shows up and kisses her on the mouth. Poor Emily looks so confused: she’s never been rejected before! #ModelProblems Coffee? Tea? Me? SMOOCH A girl in Rosewood isn’t attracted the me—ERROR 404 FILE NOT FOUND Hanna and Aria wander around an Amish farm until they meet a creepy little girl named Eliza. She takes them into the barn, where she shows them her doll collection: a set of Liars dolls! She tells them that Charlotte gave her the dolls, in what I can only assume is some sort of psychotic act of charity, and that she and Rollins used to stay there all the time and bang it out. They are interrupted by an old Amish guy, and Eliza quickly hides her dolls and runs off before she gets busted. Did you know that Amish kids aren’t allowed to have dolls with faces, because everyone is supposed to be equal in the eyes of God? The more you know. Eliza buried this Ali doll in the dirt, but an old psychic with a bird dug it up for her Emily calls Spencer from behind the bar because she’s too embarrassed to see Sabrina again. Spencer assures her that it’s Sabrina’s loss (understatement), and they talk about the contents of Rollins’ trunk. Between the blue contacts and the Do-It-Yourself mask kit, they surmise that Rollins disguised himself as Wilden and Mary as Jessica to make Ali think she was crazy. Guys. Guys. GUYS. Did Spencer just come up with the theory that is ACCURATE? RIDICULOUS BUT ACCURATE? ABSURD YET ACTUALLY WHAT TRANSPIRED?! I feel like I’m watching Murder, She Wrote. Later, Emily is cleaning up the bar when Sabrina asks her for another drink. She tells her that the hot girl is an ex, and they’re just friends and that she can’t stop thinking about Emily. She apologizes for judging her too quickly and asks her out for dinner. Their hands touch as Emily passes her the whiskey, and Sabrina admits that she doesn’t want the drink—she just needed an excuse to talk to Emily. I have a feeling a lot of bar patrons at Radley will be more interested in Em than the drinks. I figured I wasn’t a real Rosewood queer until I kissed your face off. Game? I’ve got some dental dams in my mom’s Volvo. Let’s do the damn thing! Hand sex Back in Amish country, Hanna spots a cattle probe hanging on a fence and starts experiencing PTSD. Aria sees it and comforts her, promising that Rollins is going to pay for what he did. Also, if Amish don’t use electricity, then what are they doing with an electric cattle prod? Spencer and Caleb are having the big talk. He tells her that he’ll always be a little bit in love with Hanna, what with their history, but he’s invested in Spencer, and he wants to make it work. She tells him that she loves him, and he says he likes everything about her. Ouch. Spencer realizes she wants to be with somebody who loves her, and while Caleb wants to make it work, she’s not sure if he’s on her level. I love you! I love food too. Wait, what were we talking about? Emily crashes Toby’s engagement party and demands that he drop everything and get to policing. Also, Emily is so nonplussed about Ali MURDERING HER OWN SISTER it’s amazing. Like, that is the least of Emily’s problems with this entire scenario. Ali might have murdered her own sister! Big whoop, I punched a girl so hard she uses plastic hands now! PLASTIC HANDS, TOBY, GET ON THE FUCKING LAPTOP ALREADY! Elliot goes home and finds his secret key hidden in the wrong light fixture! Dammit Aria, you had ONE job. He packs his bag and heads to Wellby, where he grabs Ali and drives off with her. Spencer and Emily look up the drugs and discover that Rollins was giving Ali hallucinatory drugs to help convince her she was crazy. Ali steals Rollins’ phone and sends a pin drop to the Liars to tell them where she is, and they pile into the car and chase after her. Toby ignores a lingerie-clad Yvonne to continue his police work. He discovers that Elliot Rollins got a speeding ticket in 1958, which means that Rollins stole someone’s identity. Back in the car, Ali wakes up slams her elbow into Rollins’ face. She jumps out of the car and tarts running, her hospital gown billowing in the night air. Rollins runs after her, as Hanna speeds through the forest. For a hot second, I thought the Liars were going to run over Ali (oh the irony of it all) but luckily they smash into Rollins, and his dumb face goes through the windshield. Rollins is dead, y’all. Now we know who the Liars were burying in the season opener. Good luck claiming this on your insurance Next week, we’ve got the return of Mona AND Jenna! Are you excited? I’m excited. Tweet me your feels @ChelseaProcrast Thanks as always to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her screengrabs. She deserves dolls with all the faces!