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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (7.03): ‘Cause this is thriller, thriller night

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Maura bumps her head. Jane catches Alice. Kent won’t go away forever and leave them alone.

As Jane saunters in for her normal morning ritual at the Isles Estate (pretending she wasn’t there already after spending the night), Maura is doing some light reading. Just kidding, she is reading a diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. I prefer to read about incurable debilitating diseases with my morning scone, but to each her own.

Jane reminds her girlfriend that she doesn’t have a “mental disorder,” but a boo-boo to her brain. And everything will be fine because Det. Jane Rizzoli will not allow something to be wrong with Dr. Maura Isles—ever. So that’s settled.

Just then Mama Rizzoli walks, or should I say rolls, in with a suitcase filled with something. Oh, no. Is this another “Get rich quick!”-scheme? Mama R is being evasive saying it’s filled with books about “a bunch of subjects.” Just then her 20-something “study buddy” comes in. They’re studying for the GED. Angela never finished high school because her husband thought it was “a waste of my time.” OK, that settles it, ban men.

Speaking of doofy men, her study buddy is a hydroponic marijuana grower with a convertible. Though, now that I see Maura and Jane in their trench coats, I’m wondering why he suggested they drive with the top down. This is clearly not a top-down kind of day if our ladies require that kind of outerwear. And, on an only somewhat related note, why doesn’t this show put them in trench coats more? I know this is the last season, but who can I write about this?

The victim is a zombie, so this one’s for you folks who had been wishing for years for a Rizzoli & Isles/Walking Dead crossover. Fine, it’s a man in zombie makeup with some impressively real-looking intestinal trauma. Maura, being the adorable nerd she is, marvels at the accuracy of the fake wound application.

The dead zombie (I know, redundant) was an attendee at, you guessed it, the Boston ZombieCon. So now it’s time for Jane, Frankie and Korsak to find the “Brains! Brains!” behind the murder. Yes, expect more bad zombie puns. You’ve been warned.

Jane remains, as always, unamused. But Frankie is in his glory and Korsak is pretty sure Santa is really a zombie. Jane complains that as a homicide detective she doesn’t see the point in playing dead. Also, I think a zombie lady clocked Jane and gave her that, “Hey, there, fellow lesbian” look. Still, Jane remains unfazed, because when you have a very alive Maura Isles waiting for you at home everything else really is rotting flesh.

Frankie also reveals Jane’s actual animosity toward the undead stems from her seeing Night of the Living Dead as a kid. Well, this is a precious little gem. Perhaps finally we’ve found something Jane is afraid of, besides Maura’s disapproval.

One thing Jane is certain Maura won’t disapprove of is tutoring Mama R on polynomial equations and the math section of the GED. I mean, why would she mind. She lets Jane’s mother live at her house. Hello. Jane also confides that Maura does equations in the bath. She would know, of course.

Kent and Maura are examining the zombie victim and then he confesses he has been doing his own research on Maura’s condition. He thinks it might have been caused by an until-now dormant genetic condition. Hey now, mister, the only person who is allowed to think about Maura’s genetics and all the wonders they hold is Jane. Also, damn, they’re really going to drag this brain injury thing out forever, aren’t they?

It turns out the victim was a zombie and a pickpocket. So I guess his finger dexterity is considerably better than all those zombies on TV who can’t figure out how to open a door.

Something Jane can or can’t figure out is why Frankie is acting so weird. Jane spots her Red Sox mug she left at Frankie’s on Nina’s desk. Frankie snatches it claiming it is his. But it’s not, it’s filled with Nina’s chai latte. So, in case you were wondering, Frankie and Nina are definitely a couple. Juniorzolli? I still haven’t found one I like.

Nina asks why he isn’t telling Jane or her family. He says he doesn’t want them butting into their business. Nina agrees, but wants reassurances. Man, if this isn’t an exact mirror of a conversation Jane and Maura had together like seven years ago.

Maura begins her tutoring with Mama R, and it involves prime numbers and whiteboard ink. I’m not sure if she convinced Mama R on the elegance of math. But I do know if my algebra teacher had looked like Maura I would have paid a lot more attention in class.

So Red Herring No. 1, or should I say Red Zombie No. 1, is a woman who was pickpocketed by the victim. But without solid physical evidence, they resort to a zombie lineup to see if she is the killer. Frankie happily volunteers. Who thinks the makeup department was just having the best week ever this episode?

The precocious little comic book loving kid who witnessed the murder gets brought in to identify. He has some fun making all the zombies grunt, but then confirms the killer isn’t in the lineup. Also, he shames the team for using Frankie, who interviewed him earlier in his home, in the lineup. A kid who calls out the appalling lack of proper police procedure on this show? I like this kid.

While looking over lab results for the zombie victim, Maura has another slip calling “trace chemical analysis” a “tox report” in front of Kent. So that sends her into a tailspin about her competency and owing it to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts to be the “sharpest mind in the room.” And now she’s not so sure and is frightened to admit it.

Hey, this is an important conversation and all, but shouldn’t Maura be having it with—oh, I don’t know—Jane? You know, the person she cares about and confides in most in the world? Also, there’s no way she would break down in front of Kent. No. Freaking. Way.

So Maura uncovers, through the test she briefly misidentified, that the attacker was wearing expensive micro skin often used by burn victims-which means he probably wasn’t just your everyday, average zombie cosplayer.

Later, Maura has Jane come back down to her office because she has to give her something. Yeah, she does. But, alas, not like that. She tells Jane about her possible condition and the possible procedure that could fix it. Then she hands Jane an envelope containing her resignation.

Jane is having none of it because, come on, there are still 10 episodes left this season. They aren’t going out as Rizzoli & Rizzoli. Maura says she is just trying to be prepared for the worst-case scenario. But really she is just trying to shield Jane from having to make a horrible decision. In a way, it’s actually kind of sweet. Reactionary and premature, but sweet.

Jane softens her tone, as she always does with Maura when it’s really important, and says they should be planning for the best-case scenario. That Maura has never let anyone down, and they’ll get through this scary situation together. And then she says, “Dr. Maura Isles does not resign.” Ain’t that the truth.

I’m pretty sure Jane would have stayed and snuggled Maura for the rest of the evening, but Nina has a lead on the case. They track the killer, who was burned in a childhood accident, down to Red Zombie No. 1’s/woman he is obsessed with’s building where is going to confront her. But instead, he finds Det. Jane Rizzoli and her Ponytail of Righteous Justice.

So, that’s solved. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to feel sorry for this sorta stalker, definite killer or what. Yes, it’s terrible he was bullied for how he looks. No one should be ostracized or hated for who they are. But maybe we should also teach men that rejection—from women or otherwise is just part of life.

Before letting Jane leave to give us our Big Gayzzoli Ending, Frankie runs up to reveal some news of his own. He’s planning on spilling the beans on Juniorzzoli when Nina runs up. She’s just touched he was willing to spill the beans. But instead decides they should keep it to themselves a little longer because, “it’s fun to have a secret.” Are they just cosplaying Jane and Maura now or what?

But, as always, no one does it better than the real thing. Jane comes into The Dirty Robber and finds Maura waiting for her with a little zombie panache. She has a fake laceration she is very proud of and demands compliments from Jane. Jane, being the truly whipped pony that she is, obliges.

But then, to salvage her pride, she gets grumpy on a group of zombies who walk in and want to dance to a generic, non-copyright infringing rip-off that sounds deceptively close to “Thriller.” Then she steals all of their shots and plans to get shitfaced with Maura. I mean, they’re not the worst evening plans ever.

And now, for your #gayzzoli tweets of the week. You all seemed very interested in Maura’s bath habits. Cheeky monkeys.

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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