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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (7.02): Alice through the jealousy glass

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane faces Alice. Maura forgets mass spectrometers. Frankie flirts with Nina. And Mama R finds herself alone again.

So Jane and Maura are clearly trying to mix things up. Because Maura is back at Jane’s place for a change. Or, maybe, it’s that they like having the extra privacy being away from Mama R affords. I mean she did just break up with Ron. You know to ease her heartbreak she is just non-stop haranguing these two for grandkids. I mean, God knows where the hell Tommy and Tommy Jr. are.

Maura calls Jane’s new digs “dark and masculine” which “kind of suits you.” Butch, honey. The word you’re looking for is butch. She has brought breakfast. For her a healthy quinoa quiche, for Jane a ginormous glazed twist. Maura may have experienced some cognitive impairments, but she still knows cops love their doughnuts.

Jane asks what the doctor said about her prognosis. I’m actually surprised, given how Maura granted her doctor-patient privileges, she hasn’t been haranguing the doctor herself every hour on the hour for updates.

Of course, Maura can’t resist teasing her girlfriend a little. She trails off mid-sentence and wonders aloud where she is. Jane’s eyes flash with instant concern. Then Maura’s face, filled with bewilderment, breaks into a sly smile. Yeah, so I guess they got that mental and physical rest period over with.

Maura then giggles in delight at having pranked her girlfriend and it’s all so cute I wish this silly little show could go on for 2,000 seasons. Jane gets a call and has to run, so Maura promises to lock up. Duh, she has a key. And then before leaving she takes a bite from Jane’s doughnut. Yep, no euphemisms here. None at all.

Frankie meets Maura at the Crime Scene of the Week. There they find Emma Swan’s VW Beetle crashed down an embankment and a young woman dead inside. It’s Frankie’s first case working lead on the fatal accident investigation team. Um, is that Frankie’s new team? He isn’t on homicide anymore? I don’t understand how this police department works.

Jane and her bulletproof tank top meet up with a surveillance team with a lead on Alice Sand’s moneyman. They meet up in his apartment complex, which must have a lot of vegans living there, to hash out a plan. Seriously, what’s with the animal rights sticker? Is Jane going to stop eating cheeseburgers soon?

The team goes to check out the room, but the moneyman blasts through the door. Jane saves one of the other cops from becoming shotgun fodder. Inside they find Alice’s money, but no Alice. Hey, but Jane got to be a hero again so it wasn’t a totally wasted day.

Frankie watches as the family of the young woman from the car accident identifies her body. Nina is there with him and they share a tender moment talking about her murdered boyfriend. Guess someone learned how to flirt over dead bodies from his big sister.

Maura is performing an autopsy on the dead moneyman. While dictating her notes she misidentifies an artery and Kent notices, and brings it to her attention. Maura blames tiredness, but then Kent can’t stop staring at her. And you’d better believe Jane notices when she comes in and calls it “creepy.”

You’ve got to keep your beards in line, people. After properly disciplining Kent, Jane goes to run off. But Maura stops her and asks if she has eaten anything. What did you have in mind, Maura? Maura proceeds to remind her girlfriend that she needs to be at her best to catch Alice. So that means proper nutrition and regular stress relief. Again, I ask, what did you have in mind, Maura?

At The Dirty Robber, Frankie and Nina continue their quest to get a cute portmanteau. He admits he broke up with Nicole, the art student. And then Frankie and Nina both order thousand island dressing with their fries, so you know it’s getting serious. Yes, but would they eat a kale salad to prove their love? Because that’s how you know if it’s real.

Jane has indeed found a way to relieve stress, but sadly it does not involve Maura. But, it still involves getting sweaty. Jane hits the bag hard. It’s pretty hot. But I kind of don’t understand her sports bra situation. One set of straps goes behind her neck and another over the shoulder? I don’t understand the physics of this thing at all.

The team follows the crumbs, or more like specks of meat, to a deli where Alice’s moneyman used to stop every day. Could this be the (lunch) break they’re looking for? I’m sorry, I’m really hungry and would kill for a pastrami on rye right now.

Long story slightly shorter, yes, this was the break. Jane bursts into a backroom and there sits Alice freaking Sands. Korsak tells Jane’s it’s over. But, um, there are like more than 40 minutes left in this episode so it’s probably not over and I should go fix myself a sandwich. It’s going to be a long night.

Jane and Maura are sizing up a now arrested Alice in the interrogation room. Maura calls her a master manipulator, like Charles Manson or Jim Jones. So, then, definitely don’t drink the Kool-Aid. But Jane is confident since they caught her red-handed with a rifle and also Jane just tends to be confident.

Alice asks Jane to come into the room and talk with her. This seems like a great idea. What could go wrong? Remember when, for the hottest of seconds, they were pretending Jane couldn’t work this case on account of her being the victim in this case? All these years later, and I still can be amused by the utter lack of any semblance of reality in regards to police policy and procedure that this show follows. Who says the magic is dead?

So then why has this so-called evil Charles Manson/Jim Jones like mastermind been trying to ruin Det. Jane Rizzoli’s life? What is the impetus for all this chaos and destruction? Jane beat her at rope climb, basically. Jealously, in a nutshell. Well, that’s kind of…lame. That’s lame. Female jealously is the reason. Literally, it’s anger at the success of another woman doing better than you. Boo.

Alice spits out some invectives about Jane being just a “plumber’s daughter” and her being the one from the celebrated police family. Then she taunts Jane for being “alone.” Oh, lady, guess they don’t teach you how to tune up the old gaydar at evil mastermind academy.

Now, taking a page from the Law & Order textbook (which makes sense, as Jane used to be an ADA), there’s a problem with the case against Alice. A “we have no physical evidence”-problem. So then, at the probably cause hearing, the judge throws out the case because of course he does. I can practically hear the “chung-chung” sound as the screen fades to black.

Kent checks in on Maura. While I appreciate his attentiveness, particularly that done at Jane’s behest, isn’t he starting to hover just a tad too much? Like, why is he taking calls for Maura when Maura is right there? Also, why is he butting in about the doctor she called who specializes in traumatic brain injury? Only Jane has that doctor-client-girlfriend privilege. ONLY JANE.

So, is this final season going to be about Maura and Kent’s burgeoning whatever this is? Because no. Uh-uh. Maura already has a close, personal and intimate work confidant. Her name is Det. Jane Rizzoli. And, for the umpteenth time I scream into the night sky: They killed Senior Criminalist Susie Chang for this?

Meanwhile, in a burgeoning relationship I’m actually rooting for, Mama R grills Frankie about his feelings for Nina. They both like thousand island dressing with their french fries. It’s kismet, people. Kismet. Mama R gives him a nudge-nudge-shove in Nina’s direction. She tells him to take a risk. This is no doubt the same speech she has given to Jane countless times, I’m sure.

After Alice’s case is thrown out, she holds her own impromptu press conference with her lawyer besmirching Jane’s good name as a good cop. So that was the endgame all along? Ruin Jane’s reputation? Jeez, there are easier way to do that than an elaborate arson/kidnapping/shooting scheme. But hey, lady, it’s your life and your free time.

Back on Subplot B, the car wreck, Frankie has uncovered evidence that it wasn’t a murder or a tragic accident but a calculated suicide. Now he has to decide how to tell the parents. Nina gives him an encouraging hand squeeze. Frankie reads that as it is time to swoop in for the Big Kiss. Yeah, so, guess he sucks at reading body language. Maybe he should spend a little more time learning from Jane and Maura’s nonverbal cues to each other. Always wait for the eye sex green light, Frankie, always.

Perhaps that brutal rejection inspires him to let the parents of the crash victim down easy. Instead of telling them her death was a suicide, he lies and says it was just an accident. That’s very kind and all, but isn’t it illegal to lie about this sort of stuff. And couldn’t the family easily request the police report and find out the truth? Sorry, sorry—my suspension of police procedural disbelief muscles aren’t fully limbered up yet. It’s the start of the season and I need to stretch them more.

Maura and the team have found the car Alice was driving when she shot the trooper while escaping with her prison wife. Oh, that’s right, remember when they also made Alice a Lesbian Until Release? This is not the lesbian action we were hoping for, show.

Inside Maura and her very special goggles find enough partial prints to match to one full Alice Sands fingerprint. And Kent has already matched the DNA. It’s a crime lab miracle! Jane does a little cheer and runs off to get her woman. No, not like that. That will always be Maura.

They return to the deli—geez, for an evil mastermind Alice is terrible at picking hideouts—to arrest her. But she clocks them coming and retreats upstairs. Jane follows, without back up because—ah, ah, suspension of police procedural disbelief leg cramps. Sorry, whew, back to the action.

Jane enters a room thinking Alice has gone out the window but surprising no one, she was behind the door all along. She has taken a teenage deli meat slicer hostage. There’s a lot of yelling. Alice yells that Jane wants her dead. So all that unsubtle questioning about Jane’s intentions once she catches Alice? That’s where that was headed.

But now Jane is trying to convince Alice she doesn’t want that. That she is just doing her job. But Alice doesn’t give her a choice. In the truly last gasp to smear Jane, Alice forces her hand quite literally when she raises her gun at her. It’s her ultimate last act to make people question Jane’s motivations.

Great, so now the rest of the season is it going to be Jane vs. the Dirty Cop allegations? Please. No one wants that. We just want to see the Ponytail of Righteous Justice and Aviators of Sexy Justice and Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching and our Big Gayzzoli Ending. Is that too much to ask? Apparently.

Oh well, guess it’s off on another romantic paid administrative leave due to a shooting weekend for Jane and Maura.

In other good news, Roliday/Hozzoli is definitely on. Aw. Favorite non-Rizzles ship on this show since Frostie. Sigh.

The Case of the Terrible Life Ruiner now over and very dead, Jane and Maura pack up the files and prepare for a nice evening at home together. They’re back at Jane’s new place (privacy, yo). Maura suggests they move some of the professor’s things around to make it more homey.

Maura opens a chest, and her face lights up because she immediately recognizes its contents. It’s filled with medieval torture devices. Oh, Maura, your S&M is showing.

Then they have the obligatory conversation about beards. Maura suggests they give Martinez another try for Jane. Jane counters with an official tryout for Kent. I mean, he has been a fairly obedient beard-in-training for Maura while she was injured. Though, wouldn’t the whole “She is his boss” thing be a problem? Ow, ow, ow, sorry, pulled a suspension of disbelief workplace sexual harassment policy hamstring.

Jane goes back to church afterward to light some candles. The priest comes up to her anxiously and asks if she has anything to confess. And she replies, “No, father. Being gay isn’t a sin. Love is love. Get used to it.”

And now for your #gayzzoli tweets of the week. Have we settled on a Nina/Frankie portmanteau, folks?

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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