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“Once Upon a Time” (5.21): Three murders and a funeral

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Hades needed a beating heart to get out of the Underworld, so he kissed Zelena and went to Storybrooke, Emma took Team Charming to the Underworld to save Hook but ended up leaving him behind anyway, and we were promised a LGBT storyline and got one (albeit adorable) episode instead. (Still salty, it’s fine.)

Hades is pumped to be in Storybrooke and keeps brushing Zelena off. They’re hiding in the woods because Hades is afraid Snow White will kill him on sight, so Zelena gives him the baby and heads into town to tell everyone that he has changed.

As soon as she leaves, King Arthur shows up, in handcuffs, having just escaped the Land of Forgotten Plots. Hades talks to him just long enough to get anyone who actually did forget who he was up to speed, then kills him dead. Arthur ends up in the Underworld and runs into Hook, and once Hook eases him into the whole being dead thing, Arthur remembers that Hades killed him.

Merida finds Arthur’s body and takes Emma and Charming there. Emma knows just by looking at him that this must be the work of Hades.

Emma storms off to kill him herself, but Charming says she needs to grieve before she can go off half-cocked to kill a literal god.

Zelena runs into Regina, and Robin and Regina try to tell her that Hades is lying to her and tried to trap them in the Underworld, but love is blind, so she refuses to believe it. Zelena stomps off to Hades to complain about her sister, and he makes this big show of wanting to turn himself in, which prompts Zelena into saying they should fight, just as he hoped. He says he just HAPPENS to have exactly the thing they need to kill Team Charming super dead-meaning not just regular dead because that never sticks on this show, but like REALLY dead. It can kill humans, gods, even straight white male characters. It’s THAT powerful!

Regina and Robin head into some secret tunnels to get Baby Hood from Hades and Regina apologizes for sticking up for Zelena. She starts to also blame herself, and instead of being like, “Hey it’s not your fault for wanting to give someone a second chance since it took so long for anyone to give you yours,” he gets all grumpy with her and Regina is highly offended.

Down in the Underworld, Hook and Arthur go looking for the missing pages Hades tore from the Storybook so that Hook can save Emma even from a different realm. They find the pages easily in Hades’ lair, and in it is the crystal, aka How to Kill Gods and Alienate People.

Hook goes to Cruella and asks for the phone booth to talk to Emma, but she destroyed it. So he asks where the Storybook is, and she says it’s “in sight but out of reach.”

When they get through the secret tunnel, Regina apologizes to Hood, and, this time, he forgives her. He tells her that this is her last chance to back out of this plan to get his daughter back, but she’s in it to win it.

Hook and Arthur fight lost souls and get the Storybook, and Hook shoves the missing pages in there to send them to Emma. And when Emma sees the new pages, not only does she know how to kill Hades, but she also knows Hook is STILL lording over her life and plotlines even though he’s dead.

Emma storms over to the mayor’s office to talk to Hades, which provides the distraction Robin and Regina need to break in. Hades catches them though and shoots a beam from the crystal at Regina, but Robin Hood does the first useful thing he’s ever done and jumps in front of it to save her. The camera does really weird things and then his soul poofs away, and Regina cries.

Zelena comes in and learns the whole truth from Hades, and Zelena realizes that she’ll never be enough for him, that he’ll always want power and control, and that love was just a means to an end for him. Regina tells her that love is sacrifice, that Hades doesn’t love her, and Hades tells her that Regina will always be better than her. Zelena knows what she has to do and raises the crystal, eyes wild.

And shoves it into Hades.

Arthur decides he’s going to be the new ruler of the Underworld and says goodbye to Hook, who walks into the light, where he receives a personal thank you from Zeus for helping destroy Hades.

Emma brings whiskey to Hook’s grave, then makes her way to Robin Hood’s funeral, where everyone puts an arrow tied with a rose on his coffin, including tiny orphan Roland. Regina puts the last one down and invites her sister to stand beside her.

They name the baby Robin, after her father.

Emma hangs back in the cemetery after everyone leaves and is trying to mourn like her father told her when suddenly in a flash Hook comes back. Because of course he does. Having both Emma and Regina get back to their single, badass selves would have been too much to ask.

Anyway, the episode ends with Rumple pulling some of the crystal from Hades’ ashes, so surely he’s still going to annoy the hell out of us.

On to the highlights:

SwanQueen moments

Regina told Emma she was too emotional about losing Hook to fight Hades, and Emma was highly offended because actually she felt kind of fine? Which made her make this face:

Most Emma Moment

When Hook sent the pages about Hades through the Storybook to Emma, she made her typical MAGIC IS HAPPENING face, and it was wonderful.

Special guests

MERIDA WAS BACK! MERIDA WAS BACK! OH HAPPY DAYS! NEVER LEAVE US AGAIN! PUT ON A HOODIE YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!

The still-criminally-underused Emma Caulfield as the Blind Witch.

And of course her girlfriend, Cruella, fabulous as ever.

Also, Zeus made a guest appearance, but I will not put his photo here because I’m mad at him for sending Hook back.

Dumbest thing one of the Two Idiots did

Nothing actually sticks out this week. They didn’t do much at all. I think Gold and Belle’s father were the idiots of this episode, fighting over Belle and going against her wishes while she’s unconscious. It was just icky.

Sassgina

It wasn’t a particularly sassy episode. I did like Cruella’s whole deal, though. She called Arthur and Hook a “stubble sandwich” and was all, “If I’m going to be trapped so is everyone else,” because some people just like to watch the world burn.

Over the Rainbow

As in, I guess we’re over it, no more gay stuff. Maybe since we’re starting to cut back on characters-we lost three straight dudes in one episode! Almost four, but no such luck-maybe some of our girls can come back? But I won’t be holding my breath.

What did you think of “Last Rites”?

One more week! What do you expect to happen in the finale? Are you going to stick around for another season, or just pop in and out depending on whether or not queer characters actually show up? Because I’m leaning on doing the latter…

Here are some of our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week:

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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