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“Once Upon a Time” recap (5.20): Ambrosia? I hardly know ya!

Previously on Once Upon a Time, Hades and Zelena fell in love, Regina and Zelena remembered that they liked each other for one day when they were young and now all their problems are gone, Peter Pan and Rumplestiltskin kidnapped Zelena, and Dorothy and Ruby made out but no one talks about that anymore.

This episode was split into two timelines, so I’ll split my weecap like that, too.

First, the Red Leather Jacket Origin Story.

I honestly don’t know why this timeline happened, I feel like it could have been covered with some dialogue, but instead we get to meet two new characters that we will likely never talk about again.

It begins with Hipster Emma getting cornered by a tough-as-nails bailbondsperson while on a mission to find out where she came from.

The bailbondsperson takes Emma to her hotel room and handcuffs her to the bed (not in a fun way) but as soon as she’s in the shower, Emma picks the lock. She steals some money (peeping a photo of a kid named Tasha while she’s in her purse) but instead of running away, she uses the woman’s computer to search her own records.

The bailbondsperson is surprised to find Emma no longer cuffed to the bed, but even more surprised to find Emma just sitting at the computer, but Emma says she just wants answers about where she came from, and maybe this woman can help.

So the woman, whose name is Cleo, and though I’m not sure if anyone said her name until the end of the episode, I’m going to call her that from now on, because bailbondsperson is a long word to type.

After Emma gets her file from the courthouse to find they don’t have any more information than she did, Cleo tells Emma that her emotional baggage is distracting her, making her unstable, and that maybe this is something she should let go. Cleo points to her leather jacket and says it’s a symbolic representation of the armor she built around her emotions and that Emma should consider getting some, too. Emma stays quiet but her eyes shout of rebellion.

Sure enough, later that night, Emma sneaks back into the courthouse and Cleo finds her and slaps her and tells her to cut the shit. I don’t know what’s with everyone slapping Emma lately. Anyway, the police show up and they jump out of the window, and run all the way to an alley before Cleo can’t run any further thanks to the shard of glass in her abdomen. She lives long enough to tell Emma that she gave up her daughter then she dies, so Emma runs away.

In 2010, Emma starts bailbondspersoning herself, but first finds Tasha to tell her about her birth mother, including that she’s super dead. Tasha thanks her, and Emma buys THE red leather coat.

And thus is the entirely unnecessary origin story of the red leather jacket. Unless Tasha is going to end this Underworld storyline, I genuinely do not understand why Emma couldn’t have been like, “I met a woman once who told me to put up armor so my feelings don’t get in the way, and this jacket is a reminder of that,” but whatever.

Okay, time for the present day goings on.

Hades comes to Team Charming for help, because when he went to see Zelena, she had a note from Pan and Gold instead. They’re demanding he rip up the contract saying he owns Belle’s baby, but he knows it won’t be as easy as all that. Regina thinks she’s the right gal for the job, but Hades argues that Emma will be more interested when she hears his proposal.

She helps him, he’ll remove the names off the headstones and everyone can leave. And sure enough, when Hades goes to meet Pan and Gold and rips up the contract, there’s more. They want Zelena’s heart. But Emma is there to stop them.

Zelena and Hades kiss in celebration and one of those true love sonic booms flows out over the Underworld. The earth begins to quake, the ground to shake, and Hades realizes his banishment is over. So now they can all go through the portal to Storybrooke.

In the cemetery, Hades erases the names from the tombstones, so now it’s time to give half of Emma’s heart to Hook. Regina takes Emma’s heart and breaks it, but as soon as Emma tries to put her heart in Hook, she doubles over in pain, so Regina quickly puts Emma’s heart back together.

Hades explains that Hook has been dead too long. There may be one other way, and it involves ambrosia. The elevator in the library can take them to the ambrosia garden, but only the worthy can pass. So Hades takes Emma’s heart out and gives it to her in a bag and sends her on her way.

Robin and the baby come to the library, and Regina tells him that his rapist and the devil are “good” now so don’t worry. He’s a little concerned by this turn of events but Regina sweet-talks him into giving Zelena the baby so they can get to safety while the rest of them wait for Emma.

While they wait, Henry tells people their unfinished business, which pisses Cruella off because she wants to be in charge once Hades is gone and she can’t very well be in charge of an empty Underworld. So her and her new girlfriend the Blind Witch use magic to lock Team Charming in the library.

Emma and Hook pass the True Love Trial (vom) and find the ambrosia garden, but the tree has been cut down and there’s nothing but dust where their last hope should be. They realize now that Hades sent them on this mission as a distraction so they’d miss their portal.

Up above, Regina has the same realization at the same time, that Hades helped Cruella and the Blind Witch so they would be trapped in the Underworld while he escaped.

Hades tells Zelena that the good guys would be fine and they leap through the portal, leaving everyone else behind.

Hook sends Emma back up to the library without her, because it’s time to say goodbye. He tells her not to put her armor back on and she tells him not to let her be his unfinished business, and they kiss goodbye. It might have been a moving moment if I believed he’d stay dead. No one stays dead when you want them to on this show.

When Emma emerges from the elevator but Hook doesn’t, Regina is empathetic but also wants to GTFO, so the two of them make some SwanQueen magic.

And the door busts open, because those two are stronger together than Hades himself.

Across town, Gold gives Pan a heart he thinks is Robin Hood’s but is actually a wineskin of water from the River of Lost Souls, so Peter Pan melts. Rumple puts Belle in a box, figuratively always, but this time literally inside Pandora’s Box, and struts through the portal.

Team Charming runs up to the portal and it starts to flicker. Emma hesitates, but she can’t lose anyone else, so she eventually dives through the portal with her family.

SwanQueen moments

Regina and Emma had a few instances of actually speaking words to each other this week, but by far my favorite was right before Emma went down into the ambrosia gardens. Emma made Regina promise that if she wasn’t back in time, she would get everyone across the portal safely, and Regina assured her that she would be back in time and not to worry.

They also exchange meaningful glances when Emma comes back without Hook because they can speak without words.

Plus I mean Regina literally had Emma’s heart in her hands. Which is always nice.

Most Emma Moment

Emma was given her file and yet broke into the courthouse to check her file. As if the clerk was conspiring against her. At least we got to see her cute burglar outfit.

Special guests

Cruella and the Blind Witch are definitely making their own kind of magic together and you will never convince me otherwise.

Dumbest thing one of the Two Idiots did

When Emma hesitated, David should have grabbed her and thrown her through the portal instead of letting her get weepy about Hook, but that was pretty much the only time I remember him even being in the episode, so I guess he was fine.

Sassgina

Regina took back her sassy crown this week by calling Cruella “fuzzy” and saying that the closest thing she could do to a spell was making a dog roll over and beg.

Mulan sightings

So I guess it’s official, the “LGBT storyline” we were promised was a one-episode gig. Only two more weeks of this to go, y’all.

What did you think of “Firebird”?

Here are some of our favorite #queerytales from this week, aka the only reason I can even bear to watch this show live:

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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