RachelWatch: One lump or two?


Today: Ana Marie Cox, teabagging, and NOM.

Pirates of the Indian Ocean

Rachel started us off with an update on the standoff with the Somali pirates. Captain Richard Phillips of the Maersk Alabama bravely volunteered to be taken hostage so that the rest of his crew could go free, and is now in a lifeboat on the open sea with four armed pirates.

The USS Bainbridge has been joined by the USS Halliburton, which might be the scariest name for a ship I’ve ever heard, and more Naval support is on the way.

Former FBI hostage negotiator Stephen Romano joined Rachel to talk about the delicate process of keeping everyone calm when being surrounded by humongous freaking warships probably wasn’t in the original plan.

Best wishes to Captain Phillips for a safe and speedy release.

I Spy

Britain’s top counterterrorism officer resigned after he carried secret documents to a meeting without the special electronic eyeblock exploding manila folder technology properly engaged.

When asked for comment, a representative from the British government sighed, shook his head, and released a cloud of knockout gas from his cufflink.

Grid Lock

Rachel reported that spies have penetrated the U.S. electrical grid and some water and sewer systems. I’m guessing the first volunteers were for grid duty.

In what may or may not be a related story, four California counties had 911 and other services knocked out when someone cut fiber-optic cable lines. Rachel checked in with Henry Lee of the San Francisco Chronicle, who gave us the unsettling news that yes, it was a big problem for emergency services and no, we don’t know who did it.

Spokesmen from the candle and carrier pigeon industries described themselves as “psyched.”

Ms. Information

The National Organization for Marriage spent millions of dollars on a breathtakingly stupid commercial.

The Human Rights Campaign not only debunked the ad, but got their hands on the audition footage which is, at times, magnificent. If the fact that such ads are still being made bums you out, do watch the cold reads and take a moment to revel in the increasingly clear fact that not one real actor — union, nonunion, or junior-high drama club — deigned to have anything to do with this.


The far right has apparently decided to defeat liberals by bringing them to their knees with helpless laughter, this time by rallying around teabagging. Fox News, in a transparent ratings grab, has promised live teabagging coverage on tax day.

The wonderful Ana Marie Cox dropped in to chat with Rachel about teabagging in general and the fact that people seem to be much more interested in teabagging President Obama than Michael Steele. It is the best thing you will see all day. Maybe all month.

Rachel mentioned some confusion about the teabagging movement. She found it odd that it seems to be a populist uprising against taxing the super-rich, but I think there’s more behind the befuddlement than that: Teabagging somebody you’re angry at just sends a mixed message.

OK, now I feel guilty. Any teabaggers who are reading this, I have to tell you: You have accidentally picked a humorous name for your movement.

If you want to show how serious you are about cracking down on wasteful government spending, call yourselves the Iron Fisters.

One More Thing:

Rachel noted that you can create a teabag with a personal message at Patriot Depot for a mere dollar a bag. It’s totally worth it — I think we can all agree that there is nothing worse than an impersonal teabagging.

GOP in Exile

Representative Spencer Bachus (R – Alabama) announced that he has discovered 17 Socialists in the United States Congress. He’s protecting us by keeping their names on a super secret list. Let’s hope he’s able to convert them or shame them out before he has to escalate to something drastic like waving the list around.

Vets Make a Deal

Rachel welcomed her pal Paul Reickhoff of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America so they could modestly praise each other and talk about how things are looking up for veterans. Thanks to IAVA and other advocacy groups, it’s much easier for veterans to get health care.

OK, yeah, but can you really call it effective lobbying if nobody snorts crystal meth off a toaster oven?

Cocktail Moment

Remember when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton used to look like they wanted nothing more than to spend an hour whacking each other with two-by-fours? Well, Thursday afternoon they had what must frankly be described as an adorable meeting on the White House playground.

Thanks to both of them for being such grownups, even as I was being childish enough to wish I could report that they were swingers.

Until next time, please keep in mind that if you aren’t mad enough to teabag your government representatives, they may deserve nice pearl necklaces.

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