“The Family” recap (1.5): Willa get a Kiss?

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The cops have people posted at all those spots, and they’re expecting to catch the Bad Man at the Statue of Liberty. Sure, sure. A popular tourist spot in New York City sounds like a fantastic place to catch a guy that you have one grainy picture of. What the hell, investigators? Also, he went all the way to Florida and sent no postcards along the way when his route would be unpredictable, and now he’s working his way back up to probably New York and definitely Maine while sending postcards? This makes no damned sense. Anyway, we’re sending out some tourist trap APBs. Kabam, a cop pulls Craggy Doug over!

Ten years ago, Nina Meyer comes to the Little League park in answer to Willa’s call. Meyer sensitively notes that John is hammered and gets extra cheery tells Willa it’s not a big deal and to go home and do her homework and Nina will take care of John. She reassures Willa that her dad is just having a hard time.

Clements, at the Statue of Liberty ferry, asks Present-Meyer about her therapy sessions, and she says she’s supposed to do yoga and not shoot people. Heh.

Turns out Craggy Doug got pulled over for taking a road trip before getting license plates for his new van. What about your meticulous prep work, Craggy Doug? Craggy Doug’s APB/bad wanted poster goes up right there in the police station, and Doug’s cop looks at it, and I’m sorry, but this is a badly telegraphed fakeout, so we’re blowing by.

Danny takes Maybe-Adam to learn how to drive and basically tells him to just figure it out, which seems like poor instructorial technique. Did Danny teach Bad Reporter’s journalism classes? Anyway, like 5 minutes later, Maybe-Adam is driving perfectly well.

Craggy Doug is nervous about the wanted poster even though we know it’s a fakeout. He tries to get his wife to go ahead and leave the station even though the police aren’t done with them. No dice! Their cop stops them because of course he does because this is a fakeout.

Maybe-Adam hits the gas hard and closes his eyes and tilts his head up to the sun. Danny regrets the impromptu Driver’s Ed class and freaks the hell out and finally gets Maybe-Adam to stomp on the brakes. Back at the station, the fakeout finally completes as the cop hands Craggy Doug proof of ownership of his van. Back at the car, Danny yells at Maybe-Adam, who says he doesn’t want to die “anymore.”

Claire is at the Red Pines police station. Meyer says they have agents all over the place, not really mentioning that the place is a major tourist destination in a giant city. Claire says John didn’t beat up Hank though she can’t personally verify that because he’s been sleeping on the couch. The women have a showdown over who knows what John is capable of. Claire says Meyer has been between them in their bed for 10 years, so she doesn’t get to play this one like she’s a visitor to the situation. Claire tells Meyer to get on board and do what’s right.

Ep 5 Pic 5

Claire comes home to a bat in the driveway. God, I wish it were a giant mammalian bat, but it’s just a baseball bat. It has “#Papa Bear” with that space in there on it, which means it was written by someone who’s been following the hashtag on Twitter but doesn’t know how Twitter hashtags work. Claire is so freaked out that she calls for John, and then we see that it’s HUNDREDS of bats all over their yard. God, why couldn’t the assailant have used the flying kind of bat? That would have been amazing.

What’s amazing right now is trying to figure out the size of Red Pines. What percentage of the population just drove by to toss bats on the Warrens’ lawn? Is anyone going to have bats left for Little League? Or have people caravanned in from other cities? And how did they throw all those bats in the lawn without anyone in the house noticing all the cars and thunking noises?

Ten years ago, John wakes up on the couch all hung over. Whoops, he’s on Nina’s couch. He sees her personal Adam case board that is stuck up on her wall by her bed. Yeesh. He walks in on Nina dressing and then talks about how Claire is grieving all wrong. She took down Adam’s pictures and erased the pencil marks from Adam’s height chart on the wall, and it’s not normal. (Did Claire or Willa accidentally kill Adam?) Meyer says everyone grieves differently, and a light bulb goes off over John’s head that says “WRITE A GRIEF BOOK!” on it. John thanks Meyer and is gone. Meyer takes a moment to stand by the closed door and be in love with him. And then John comes back, and they’re power-kissing.

Which means that next they’re going into Nina’s bedroom to have sex next to a wall full of pictures of John’s kidnapped son.

Related: I’m really grateful for the shot that indicated somebody washed John’s pants.

Present-day Claire is in the shower, and John joins her. He thanks her for never doubting him, and they start to repair their relationship via the magic of shower nuzzling.

Late at night, Danny and Willa talk. He says Maybe-Adam is messed up, and she agrees. Unfortunately for all of us, she doesn’t follow that up with “Speaking of things that are messed up, are you and Bad Reporter broken up or what?”

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