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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.20): Hetero Sex and Ghost Moms

Whelp, last night was the Season 6 finale of Pretty Little Liars, where we found out that someone we all thought was an evil white dude is, in fact, an evil BRITISH white dude…DUN DUN DUN! There were plenty more twists afoot, the most surprising of which was that, after 10 episodes of skulking around in glitter tops and eating fried chicken with gloves on, Sara Fucking Harvey was nowhere to be seen. Or was she everywhere to be seen? Guys, I give up.

We pick up where we left off last week, with the Liars waiting for EmojA to text Hanna back. EmojA threatens to gun emoji her if she’s lying, but Hanna assures them she killed Charlotte and asks for one more day to get her affairs in order before EmojA kills her. I hope this last day involves cake and wine.

I need this emoji for when I don’t want extra bacon JK I ALWAYS WANT EXTRA BACON

Ali is recuperating on the couch while Rollins fusses about over his Chicago conference. Ali still feels responsible for Charlotte’s death, and thanks Rollins for helping her sister. We also find out that Jason is now running the Carassimi Group, and using Charlotte’s genius-made millions to help people.

This legit looks like a Ted Cruz campaign ad

Toby and Spencer get together to pour over the Radley blueprints, and Toby now wears glasses because everyone on this show is in their 40’s. They reminisce over French lessons and their hands touch, and Spoby feels flood the scene. Toby finds a secret room on the Radley blueprints, and he and Spencer plan to break into the room together. I’m sure Yvonne will be thrilled about that.

Meanwhile, Emily swings by Caleb’s place to drop off a bag of supplies and a generator. Caleb’s grand plan is to rig an electric fence around the Lost Woods Resort (ugh remember the times?!) to capture and electrocute EmojA. I’m dubious: the only person they ever successfully electrocuted was Sara Harvey’s hands, and that was an accident.

You leave Rosewood for five years and it stops raining lesbians. WTF, right bro?

Aria and Ezra are working on their novel, and Ezra has finished his final chapter. He’s in tears, feeling all his man pain because now that Nicole has been memorialized in his book and is officially really totally dead. Aria holds his hand and pats his head, because man feelings are real and SOME OF US HAVE REAL PROBLEMS, EMILY.

#BernieBro

Ali is home alone, watching Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, when she should really be watching Gaslight because that’s what is happening to her. She hears her music box playing from the bedroom, and goes upstairs to investigate. Suddenly, Ali sees zombie Jessica DiLaurentis and freaks out. I freaked out too…this episode was legit scary. Ali runs downstairs, where she gets a call on her rotary landline (google it, tweens!) and it’s Jessica’s zombie voice on the other end. OH SHIT.

I’m back bitches, and I know everything!

Later on, Ali tells Emily about her dream at the hospital, and Em tells her that she had similar dreams when her dad passed away. She assures Ali that Zombie Mom was a product of her painkillers, because Emily is the show’s reigning painkiller expert.

You know Ali, orgasms are the ultimate painkiller. I learned that at my science job I made up.

I’m listening

Yvonne and Toby are decorating the Brew for her mom’s election night party when Toby tells her that he has to ditch the party to do mysterious things with his ex-girlfriend that she can’t know about. Yvonne is rightly pissed off and tells Toby that she’s gonna wait around for him. If they break up, can Yvonne go gay and start dating Emily? I like her style.

Back at Hastings Headquarters, Spencer is calling voters when Mona shows up. Spencer calls her crazy, and Mona is all, “Bitch, we both did time at Radley, don’t crazy-shame me.” She offers to help with the campaign, and Spencer gives her a phone sheet. Mona tells Spencer that she hasn’t been her enemy for a long time, but Spencer lives for holding grudges against innocent people, so she gonna grudge.

Mona, they can’t see your thumbs up through the phone.

At the Lost Woods Resort, Caleb and Hanna are electrifying the fence and setting up motion sensors and cameras to capture a pic of EmojA. BTW, Hanna is on board with EmojA as a name, so I guess I’m on board too.

I would love to keep reading your book, but they need me to test the electric fence soo…

Ali is taking a nap while Aria and Emily hang out downstairs. Aria is making Emily read her book, which is cruel and unusual punishment. Aria then tells her that all of her Liam feels have transferred to Ezra feels and no one is surprised and everyone is bored. Upstairs, Ali is getting cuddled by some man…she turns and sees it’s WILDEN in her bed! Ali screams and Emily rushes to her side. Anything to get away from that manuscript, right Em?

Ssshhh girl, let me read you some of Ezria’s manuscript

Back at the Love Barn, Spencer and Caleb are enjoying the afterglow and getting ready for their day. They make coffee and kiss, and we see Spencer in her underwear from the back and Twitter dissolves into a big gay puddle.

GAY TUMBLR MELTDOWN REPEAT THIS IS A GAY TUMBLR MELTDOWN

I haven’t loved the flash forward, but I’ve really enjoyed the booze n’ bone fest that is the Liars in their 20’s. Caleb looks ready for round 2 when Peter Hastings swings by and he has to escape out the window. Spencer tells Caleb she loves him, and Caleb is like, “thanks bro.” Dude…if Spencer Hastings says “I love you” you fucking say it back!

I love you!

Shabbat Shalom!

Ali is on the phone with Elliot, who assures her that her visions are just misplaced guilt. He’s flying back that night to check up on her. Where’s Emily? Voting, like the good citizen she is. Ali looks out her window and sees Zombie Jessica again. She turns around, only to be confronted with a bleeding Wilden. She freaks out and starts screaming. Best voting campaign ever?

VOTE OR DIE!

VOTE OR DIE!

But it’s only a local election!!!

Jillian calls Ezria and tells them that she loved the book and is planning a massive campaign to promote it. Aria and Ezra freak out with happiness and start kissing which leads to a prolonged Ezria sex scene that none of us wanted. I need to bleach my eyeballs.

Speaking of old hetero ships, Caleb and Hanna are setting up her motel room when she flashes back to their time in New York. Hanna is bailing on their European vacation because of her bitchy boss, and Caleb has had it with Hanna putting her career before him. He tells her that if she walks out the door, they’re over. Hanna walks out the door and gets into a cab. She’s on her way to work when she realizes she made a mistake, so she runs back to Caleb in the rain.

But I never got to tell Mona how I feel about her!

She finds their apartment empty, and his phone on the desk. She confesses all this to Caleb, that she never stopped loving him and came back for him. Then they kiss. I mean, I get it…but poor Spencer.

It’s okay, I’m sure Mona knows you love her.

Emily returns to Ali’s place and finds her phone on the table and Ali gone. UhOh. She calls Spencer, who is at Radley waiting for the polling results to come in. The Hastings toast to Veronica’s campaign, before Spencer has to sneak off to break into the secret Radley room. She asks Em where Ali would go to feel safe. Trick question, she’s not safe anywhere. Ali wanders into the church, because being alone in the place where her sister was murdered is obviously safe as houses.

Let’s all drink heavily and pretend this never happened

Toby, I can use this saw, I’ve only had 12 glasses of champagne

Spencer and Toby sneak into the basement and start sawing into the wall. Spencer wielding a power saw is my new favorite Spencer. They’re interrupted by some footsteps, and Toby pulls his gun and his best cop voice, but it’s only Mona. The three of them break into the secret room and find a bunch of empty shelves with a single medical file. The medical file details a patient of Radley, Mary Drake, who had a baby that was adopted by Jessica DiLaurentis. Charlotte was adopted! But who the fuck is Mary Drake?

Wow, these Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons are from 1975 and they still haven’t expired!

Emily finds Ali at the church, where Ali is completely undone. She tells Emily that she’s being punished by the ghosts of her past, and they are going to drag her to Hell. Emily tries to reason with her, but Ali can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t. She begs Emily for help, and I’m no Emison shipper, but this would be a great moment for Emily to kiss some sense into her.

Don’t worry, I will sex you back to sanity!

Back at the resort, Hanna texts EmojA her location and everyone waits. Aria, Ezra, and Caleb see someone approaching, and chase after them, but they’re in the woods in the dark and things don’t work out. They bust into the room to find Hanna gone. Great job guys, you lost Hanna. YOU HAD ONE JOB.

Aria’s face tho

Meanwhile, Emily takes Ali to check into a psych ward. Not the police station, not an election party where they’ll be surrounded by friends, not the Brew, not a day spa. Emily asks her if she’s sure, but Ali is convinced that she’s going nuts and signs herself in. Besides, Charlotte stayed here and she got better, right? YEAH ALI THAT WORKED OUT GREAT. They say “I love you” and Ali checks in. Once again, I feel like this was a missed make-out opportunity, but Emily is the only Liar who isn’t cheating, so good for her.

Are you sure you don’t wanna have a quickie before you check in?

Emily, with you, it’s never a quickie

Back at Radley, Veronica has won the state senate campaign. Here’s hoping for police department reform! Spencer is celebrating when she gets a call from the dream team telling her they lost Hanna. Mona follows her to the resort, and man is she gonna be pissed. Apparently EmojA stole Hanna through a trap door, and Caleb is furious because he was outsmarted. They check the video footage and capture a frame of a woman running by. It’s Jessica DiLaurentis…or is it?!

Mona saw this twist coming a mile away.

Back at the DiLaurentis house, blood-stained Wilden takes off his mask to reveal he’s Rollins. Yawn, we all knew this doofus was sketchy from the get-go. Oh, and he’s also British, because why not. Beside him is Zombie Jessica aka Mary Drake, Jessica’s DiLaurentis’s twin and Charlotte’s birth mother.

SURPRISE BITCHES!

It took me like, 12 hours to make that mask but fine, rip it off, whatever

Now that Ali has committed herself, Rollins owns 51% of the Carissimi Group. We also find out that Rollins was in love with Charlotte, which he proved by marrying her cousin and swindling their fortune. They say it’s what Charlotte would have wanted and laugh maniacally and rub their hands together. I mean…I guess I’m surprised by this twin twist but also I don’t care?

Aria really thought this plan was gonna work.

The Liars get a text from “A.D.” thanking them for Hanna and telling them they are free to go. We then see a hooded figure dragging Hanna’s unconscious body up the church bell tower. Is Hanna dead? Probably not, since we saw the flash forward of her in Ali’s classroom.

Hanna was so bored by this storyline that she fell asleep

Whelp, that’s it for Season 6. I found the flash forward underwhelming and while this episode provided some solid scares, it wasn’t on par with what we usually get from PLL finales. This whole 6B season has dragged a bit for me, and it seems y’all felt the same way. Maybe it was the retreaded storylines or the lack of that signature PLL craziness, but things just didn’t feel the same. Also, Emily really got the short end of the stick this season: no love interest and nothing to do. This is especially frustrating, as PLL usually does a good job of giving Emily something to work with, as opposed to just dumping on her. She’s become more of a sounding board for the other Liars than her own fully formed character, and the difference is palpable. Hopefully, they’ll give her more to do in Season 7.

It seems like Season 7 will be the final one for Pretty Little Liars, and I’m hopeful that the show will wrap up in a meaningful way. Thanks for following along every week and tweeting, it’s been a blast recapping this show for y’all. Share your finale feels with me @ChelseaProcrast

And, as always, thanks to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her screengrabs. She truly is the Pepe to my Tippi.

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