Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Maura turned into a Maur-rito. Jane planned her retirement with Maura in Maine. Maura wrote Jane a love poem.
Jane is finally moving out of Frankie’s place to be closer to Maura. Again, why these two don’t just bite the bullet and move in together to make this a proper Boston marriage is beyond me. But, you know, baby steps. Maura arrives to help Jane finish her packing. No, not that kind—what is wrong with you? But Jane is already done because her move consists of one box, one duffle bag, and one burnt cactus.
Frankie comes in to shoo his sister out of his apartment. He pretends it is because he is impatient to have his own lady friends over. But we all know it is because he can’t stand to hear Jane and Maura’s, um, athletic snuggling anymore.
Jane and Maura arrive on this week’s Murder of the Week crime scene together. A man had a bomb-ass tai chi session in the woods earlier—as in, his ass got bombed. Now his ass and his various other extremities are spread all over.
Jane grouses about being out in nature. Granted, I would too if the only hiking snacks packed along for the day was finger granola. But if only gross trail mix was the day’s biggest problem. Instead, while Maura is examining the body, Korsak commands everyone to stop because he realizes they’re all in a minefield—and not just emotionally.
Not to second-guess the Boston Police Department here, but if there’s a case involving a bombing wouldn’t the first step be to make sure there are no more bombs? Well, better late than never, I guess. So the bomb squad arrives and has everyone stand in place while they clear the area. Welcome to the Hurt Rizzoli Locker.
Back at the Dirty Robber, Mama Rizzoli is giving Kiki advice about going for it with her wedding planning. But then she fails to take her own advice about going for it on a free, spur-of-the-moment trip to Paris with Ron. Um, if she doesn’t go can I have the ticket? Look, I’m a 100 percent certified gay lady so absolutely no hanky-panky would happen, but a free trip to Paris is a free trip to Paris.
At the bomb site, the team is still stuck in place and none too pleased about it all. Maura gets relieved of her freeze-tag status first, but then grouses because the bomb techs aren’t prioritizing her dead body. Huffy Maura is one of my favorite Mauras, if we’re being perfectly honest.
The dead guy, whose name I really can’t be bothered to remember and henceforth will be called Stumpy, worked for a nonprofit organization that clears landmines internationally. So that, in case you’re still unclear like Alanis Morissette, is the textbook definition of irony.
Back on perhaps the most standing around and doing nothing case in Rizzoli & Isles history, Jane has finally been freed from her perch. But then the team discovers another mine. And then, another—but this one is unfortunately right under Korsak’s foot. See, he knew he was standing on a bomb all along, but was being nonchalant about it to spare people’s feelings or something. I don’t really understand, but I do know the bomb guys needs to give him a good talking to if he is still in one piece when this whole thing is over.
Actually, is there someone higher up who could talk to this whole bomb squad? Because I doubt very much they’d allow Jane anywhere near Korsak and his live bomb. Like, I’ve seen how bomb squads handle “suspicious packages” that turn out to be someone’s forgotten bagged lunch. They clear a several blocks radius and bring out robots.
Also, can we talk about Jane’s cute lil’ hat and bullet-proof tank top? How are those fashionable accessories going to help against a damn bomb? Again, real bomb squads have those huge Stay Puft Marshmallow Man suits they wear when approaching any explosives.
Korsak and Jane get deep about what it’s like to have an unknown force try to blow up your whole life. Korsak gets emotional thinking how good things are with Kiki. So Jane promises to make it all OK through her sheer force of will. Like she will Ponytail of Righteous Justice this situation and use it to shield Korsak from the blast or something.
For her troubles, Korsak asks her to be his best man. Jane says she’ll do it if it involves poker, but Maura would never let her have strippers. Look, I know we’re supposed to be worried because Korsak could get blown into a million little pieces at any second. But mostly I just want to jump up and down at how incredibly gay this moment is.
Maura arrives back on scene. She has sent Smug Kent ahead because of his experience in Afghanistan. But he has been largely useless and I still don’t forgive him for replacing Senior Criminologist Susie Chang. Luckily, Maura is never useless and has called in a “lifetime’s worth of favors” to get something to actually help the situation.
She has brought some kind of goethite shield, made from the minerals found in the teeth of aquatic snails—known as limpets. I know this is a lot to process—snails have teeth, goethite is stronger than Kevlar, Korsak has been standing for what seems like hours without moving his foot even a centimeter.
Jane begrudgingly goes back to the command center as they prepare to extract Korsak. Maura and Jane quite literally clinging to one another as they watch. Finally, some Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching from these two. Granted, I don’t know how gratuitous this touching is since the life of one of their closest friends hangs in the balance. But, hey, I’ll take any and all the touching I can get.
The bomb squad prepares to—quite literally—yank Korsak off the landmine. They don’t give him any protective gear because that would detract too from the dramatic value of this situation. So with one big pull, it’s all over. Not to be a complainer, but having folks—again, quite literally—stand around for like 40 minutes isn’t actually all that thrilling. But at least everyone got a nice hug out of it.
In a slightly more thrilling development, Nina has tracked down a connection between Jane’s hacker and Maura’s kidnapper. It’s a cousin of the hacker who was in the same prison the kidnapper used to work. Now out, she is tracked down and brought in for questioning. But she is full of attitude and no answers.
Jane loses her cool and starts throaty yelling at the woman. Um, maybe people should anger Jane more. It’s kind of hot. Please, don’t look at me like that—you were thinking it, too.
Jane goes to see Maura to cool off. Maura, of course, notices how flushed Jane is right away. We all know how accustomed Maura it to seeing Jane flushed—ahem. Jane thanks Maura for getting the snail teeth shield—and all those past times she got her flushed.
Later that night Maura comes in to see if Jane wants to grab dinner together. But Jane has already popped in a cup-o-noodles. Jane, girl, your lady wants to take you to a new pub—ditch the noodles and run, don’t walk out of there. Alas, duty calls. So Maura forgoes delicious pub food as well to help Jane go through hundreds of files on who her life ruiner could be and eat freeze-dried noodles together. Now if that ain’t love I don’t know what is.
Korsak is closing shop at the Dirty Robber and Mama R is clocking out. They have a heart-to-heart about living for the moment. So, wait, did they put Korsak on a dumb bomb this whole episode as a way to convince Mama R to go to Paris? Because that just seems mean.
The case gets wrapped almost as efficiently. The bomber was Stumpy’s former partner, who had gotten too used to living the high life off the profits of international do-gooder. They chase him down at his luxury abode where he pretends to have another bomb. But Korsak is like, bitch please, I stood on a real one all day. So that’s that.
But before our Big Gayzzoli Ending we need to get through a little Korsak wedding planning. Kiki arrives after having time to digest her fiancé’s near-boom experience proclaiming a desire to have a smaller, quicker ceremony. Wait, so the bomb wasn’t just about getting Mama R to say au revoir? It was also a way to get Kiki to downsize her wedding expectations? Now that’s really, really mean.
Still their bon voyage, petit wedding celebrations are cut short when Nina calls. She has news on Jane’s life ruiner, and Jane knows it can’t wait until tomorrow. So everyone—Maura, Korsak, Frankie—arrive back with her to see what Nina has found. It’s an inmate called Alice Sands who was in the same cellblock as the hacker’s cousin and worked in the kidnapper’s sector.
After some thinking, Jane realizes she was in the police academy with her—but Alice left before graduation. She hasn’t heard, or thought, of her since. Jane being Jane, she charges to the prison to confront her face-to-face. But the guard won’t let her in, despite Jane’s best angry voice yelling. Korsak finally stops her bullying by telling her Alice was released three days ago. Dun-dun-duuuuun.
I can only assume after “Alice” dropped out of the police academy she went to train at Quantico. Then she had a fulfilling FBI career while falling in love with a brilliant, red-haired doctor-turned-agent. But when that affair went south after the redhead insisted on being with her dopey, short-chinned partner, she remembered the raven-haired beauty from her academy days and returned. Hey, you have your cross-fandom fantasies, and I have mine.
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