“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.19): “Bitch Can Drive”

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li-14Should not have had those three mimosas before breakfast

Ready to be nauseated? Ali and Rollins are reveling in their honeymoon bangfest at a small town bed and breakfast. Ali just wants to sit by a pond and read poetry, but fate has other plans as she takes a tumble down the stairs. She wakes up in the hospital with a concussion, wondering why she just can’t have one goddamn weekend of peace without nearly dying/being buried alive/stabbed in a flophouse. Rollins assures her it was just an accident, which is proof that he’s never seen this show.

li-16What do you mean this hospital doesn’t have a bar?!

Ali texts the Liars about her fall, and everyone starts freaking out. This new A has already sizzled Aria, stolen Emily’s eggs, and majorly fucked with Spencer’s sex life. They have three days until the election, and A wants a culprit! The Liars still think Mona is involved, but Hanna defends her former BFF, who ran her over with an SUV. That is the definition of a ride or die friendship right there.

li-22Hanna, we know you’re secretly in love with Mona. Jordan knows. Your mom knows. Everyone knows.

li-21Whelp, I’ve already got a wedding dress and a date. Let’s get this lesbian wedding party started.

Guys, I can’t even recap this Ezra/Aria writer storyline. Every scene is them blowing each other over how good their writing is, and it’s honestly the worst thing this show has ever done to us. We even get a cheesy flashback to Ezra and Nicole’s final moments. To summarize: Nicole was saving some people and blowing off a romantic trip with Ezra, he throws a mantrum and leaves, she dies. Ezra is the worst, the end.

Hanna visits Ali in the hospital, who tells her that the honeymoon is now over, and they’re coming back to Rosewood. Rollins has filled the hospital room with flowers, and one of the bouquets has a get well card with stairs on the front. Inside the card are emojis of all the Liars, with the injured ones’ faces crossed out. This sort of thing would be creepy with dolls. Emojis? Notsomuch. If you had told me three months ago that rampant emoji use would ruin an entire season of television, I would have laughed in your face. Oh, how stupid I was. How stupid we all were.

li-27From Hallmark’s “Sorry a Maniac Made You Fall Down the Stairs” card line

li-29Even in emoji threats, Ali is still on top of the pyramid

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