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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (6.15): Then you shoulda put a ring on it

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane rescued Maura. Maura got high. Jane and Maura process their PTSD-y feelings—sorta.

Jane and Maura are at The Dirty Robber talking, but not really talking, about how they should just go ahead and move in together. Jane has already canceled the deal on her new condo because of her as yet still faceless life ruiner. Sure, that’s what it is. It’s not that your girlfriend has a perfectly large and lovely townhouse with plenty of room for you to move into comfortably. Use whatever excuse you need, Jane.

So instead, her plan is to stay at Frankie’s place indefinitely. Granted, this gives her perfect cover to stay at Maura’s whenever she wants because Frankie’s spare room is a glorified utility closet.

But Maura has another idea. She offers Jane an empty townhouse without neighbors. Wow, Maura. I knew you were rich, but I never knew you were buy-a-whole-townhouse-for-secret-rendezvous-with-your-lady rich. Fine, so she didn’t buy it just for that—so she claims. It supposedly belongs to a college professor friend of Maura’s who is offering to sublet it to Jane while he is on sabbatical. Oh, and did we mention it’s just a block from Maura’s place. The walks of shame that one block is going to see. *low whistle*

Mama Rizzoli walks up interrupting their carefully laid living arrangement subterfuge plans. She promises she wasn’t snooping. For a second, I genuinely think she’s going to tell them just to bite the damn bullet and move in together. But, alas, she was snooping on Korsak’s life this time, not her daughter and daughter-in-law.

She found a little black box in his desk drawer at work. So, of course, she stole it. I mean, let’s face it, that’s basically what she did. Also, is this a thing straight people regularly do? Swipe other people’s engagement rings and try them on themselves? Like, that’s weird, right? And they said the gays would ruin the sanctity of marriage.

Jane and Maura get their requisite synchronized “Rizzoli” and “Isles” phone calls and they’re off to Murdertown. Well, in this case, it’s Murderwarehouse. On the way in Jane frets about Korsak getting married. Will this put more pressure on her to pop the question?

Of course she couches it in worry about whether Korsak will become a happily married man and then leave the force. Maura reassures her that, even if he leaves, Jane will always have her. Jane deflects by saying she doesn’t have a gun. But Maura retorts that she is “fantastic with a scalpel.” Like all of that actually happened. This show, man.

Jane also reminds Maura to play it cool about the ring and pretend they don’t know anything about Mama R’s grand larceny. Maura agrees, but also being Maura she walks up to Korsak and immediately says, “I don’t know anything!” Jane rolls her eyes in the way you can only roll your eyes at the woman you truly love. You know, the way your girlfriend does it to you all the time.

Maura inspects the Murderwarehouse scene. Earlier a bound woman was being menaced by a man with an incredibly creepy burlap sack mask. But then another woman burst in to save her, only to get stabbed herself. Said unfortunate hero lady is now lying dead on the floor. Maura sees the bindings next to her and takes a moment.

Look, I get that the kidnapping was traumatic. But Maura’s life has been nearly taken by not one, but two serial killers—the latter whom she also kinda dated. So while I understand everyone’s emotional processing of harrowing events is different, this almost seems small potatoes compared to her other ordeals. But, you know, only if you believe in continuity, I guess.

Frankie alerts them to another room filled with chains and hooks and what looks like sprays of blood. So it’s Rizzoli & Isles meets Saw this week? Back at the office, Jane notices Korsak and Nina talking. And because she is the nosiest person on the planet, she noses over to make sure they aren’t talking about her. Of course they were, but Korsak informs her she can’t work on or know about the case because it would be a conflict of interest. Isn’t it cute when TV cop shows finally trot out the conflict of interest excuses. Like, sure, work cases involving your mom and brother and girlfriend/basically wife. But, nope, we draw the line conveniently here.

Jane and Korsak follow a lead which leads them to realize the Muderwarehouse wasn’t actually a Murderwarehouse. It was a Fear Club where patrons pay for the opportunity to have the living shit scared out of them. Humans are, as a species, very, very strange.

Maura confirms his account with findings that most of the blood spatter was fake blood. She said some people get off on the intoxication of being scared. Jane agrees with me and says, “Yeah, if I want to get intoxicated I’m gonna to have a beer.” Spoken like a true lesbian, Jane. Like a true lesbian.

Jane heads up to the café where she finds a young student selling “raffle tickets” for a trip to Paris. Nina happily buys some, because who doesn’t want to help the children. But Jane walks in and realizes this tiny child is really a big-time con artist because the school she is supposedly raising money for closed over a year ago. Oh, and that little con artist? That’s actually Angie Harmon’s real-life daughter. You guys, see, nepotism works.

Nina is making progress on Jane’s life ruiner. The snooty professor found the hacker’s signature, which was tracked to one of his victims who just happens to work in downtown Boston. Given the global nature of The Interwebs, isn’t it amazing when the key players all live within a five-mile radius of the protagonists?

Maybe it’s that such narrative expediency is a nice way for Korsak to nudge Nina back into the field. They have a little heart-to-heart about her murdered boyfriend. Aw, Korsak is a big softy, isn’t he. Now I understand why Jane doesn’t want him to leave the force.

Back on the case, Frankie volunteers to go undercover to find out more about the Fear Club. He read about it on some “blog posts” which made it sound “pretty awesome.” Bless his little heart, he can Google. Frankie also reveals Jane and him loved to go scream their heads off at scary movies when they were little kids.

Granted, it is a good technique for, say, a baby dyke lil’ Jane Rizzoli to get girls to snuggle up closer to her in a movie theater. Or, uh, so I’ve heard. But it’s Frankie who gets an invite to Fear Club and goes in undercover. Can we talk about Frankie’s dad jeans? And his fear of spiders? Actually, that’s a perfectly legitimate and rational fear. I agree with him. Spiders are a total dealbreaker.

He goes into the new Murderwarehouse and finds lots of creepy things, but thankfully no spiders. There is, however, a dude in a “blood”-soaked smock running at him with a butcher’s knife. He runs the show and knows the dead woman; she worked for him. But ultimately he—and everyone else involved in the murder-death funhouse—is not involved in the murder.

Maura is looking over literature for PTSD when Mama R bursts in with her proposal ideas for Korsak. I know she means well, but never suggest proposal ideas for other people, ever. 1) It indicates that you think they’re too unromantic to come up with their own and/or 2) If they take it, they actually are too unromantic to come up with their own.

Mama R checks in with Maura about how she is doing. Apparently it’s not too hot because she isn’t sleeping through the night. But she asks Mama R not to tell Jane and worry her. Mama R says it’s bad to keep secrets from your girlfriend, which is the truth. They always find out anyway. Always. Then she reminds Maura that she cares about her like a daughter because love makes a family. Mama R knows. She knows.

So the Murder of The Week winds itself to a local preschool director who has a restraining order against one of her former employees who she fired. So, once again, it boils down to a guy who can’t handle female rejection—romantic or otherwise. Cool story, bro.

But that angle seems like it might be a dead end because his anger management counselor swears he is doing well, yadda yadda. Meanwhile, Korsak and Nina apprehend Jane’s hacker. They question him, but he isn’t too helpful. It also seems he was just a keyboard for hire. Cool story, bro.

While Jane is waffling about taking the sublet townhouse, Frankie comes in with some news about the case. Guess it probably was that angry ex-employee after all. And he used the preschool’s 3-D printer to make the murder weapon. Gosh, and we were just excited in my school when we had those markers that smell like fruit. Kids today.

Jane bids a quick adieu to Maura, who then runs into Kiki coming out of the elevator. She is, as always, terrible at lying in that endearing way Maura is terrible at lying. Well, at least she doesn’t get hives anymore. So that’s progress.

The angry fired guy shows up at the preschool ready for MURDER. She runs; Frankie and Jane speed to the scene. Another search through darkened rooms with guns drawn ensues. But don’t worry, our Janey’s got her gun and her man. Ew, no, not like that. She just blasts him. You know what that means? Another mandatory officer-involved shooting paid investigative leave is coming Jane’s way. Somebody needs to plan another romantic getaway.

Case now over, Korsak finally admits—more like Jane admits she knows—about his pending marriage proposal. Korsak says he was reluctant to tell her because of all the horrible stuff happening with Jane and Maura. But the thing about happiness is it isn’t a zero-sum game. One person’s happiness doesn’t, or, at least, shouldn’t, detract from another’s. Jane says pretty much the same, but with more use of the adjectives like “shitty.”

But then Jane has one more case to solve. It’s the case of the tiny con artist who is in mid-grift with Mama R. She sidles up to her and busts her scheme. It was all because she wanted to buy a puppy, but her mother wouldn’t let her. Hmmm, is art imitating life here? Not about the scam, but about the puppy? Someone tell me, I’m too lazy to scroll through Angie’s Instagram.

Angie/Jane tells her little scamp to scram, but not before donating all her ill-gotten gains to the Boys and Girls Club. She then tells her she can do anything she sets her mind to. Well, then, definitely a life of thievery. Because look how much of a good head start she has already. Kidding! She’ll probably invent the next hot app where people text each other through eye blinks.

The gang’s all at The Dirty Robber, which means we’re getting yet another Group Gayzzoli Ending. They’re all throwing their proposal ideas at Korsak. Jane’s involve hot dogs and stadium beer, of course. Maura is appalled, which means she is going to have to do the proposing if she wants champagne and a string quartet.

But instead of any of the ideas he just walks up to Kiki as soon as she makes it through the door and man handles the ring onto her finger. I mean, he didn’t even get down on one knee. Such a story to tell their future fur babies. Mama and Papa got engaged in the doorway of his bar with the stale smell of beer perfuming the air.

Everyone claps, and Maura coos that she loves new beginnings. Yep, Jane, that marriage pressure is definitely back on. But instead of addressing it, Jane tells Frankie about her new digs. She has decided to take the sabbatical hook-up shack. Maura couldn’t be more thrilled, so maybe the marriage talk will be off for a bit after all.

And now to your #gayzzoli tweets of the week. All of you basically agree, Jane needs to get on with it and propose already.

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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