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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.16): Stolen Eggs and Breakfast Threats

Well, folks, we’re more than halfway through Season 6B-how are we feeling? We’ve got a new whimsical A, a hot and heavy Spaleb, and Emily’s eggs. I feel like eggs and IVF is going to be the new “pregnant lesbian” trope sweeping television in 2016, mark my words.

Anyhoozle, we open with some hot hetero action: Hanna and Jordan are staying in a tacky motel sex suite, complete with a heart-shaped bed, hanging cupids, and satin sheets. Hanna is taking a vacation from life, and I support it.

I can’t wait to bring Mona here for our anniversary!

Back at Radley, Spencer has followed Aria down the rabbit hole where they find a secret hallway with dusty file cabinets and an old electro-shock table like the one they were tortured with inside the dollhouse. Spencer finds a door with a clean doorknob like she’s Nancy Drew, and they wander down the hallway of despair until they reach an equally clean file cabinet. If cleanliness is suspicious, then I must be the most innocent girl in all the world.

If you like watching Sparia climb through vaginally-shaped holes in walls, then this is your episode

They move the file cabinet aside to follow yet another hole through some brick, which leads them to a back exit out of Radley. Apparently Sara’s been using the secret exit to sneak in and out of the hotel for her glove-wearing fried chicken snacks and general stalking. Sidebar: the idea that they renovated Radley and didn’t know about this passage is next level bonkers. My mother is a general contractor, so believe me when I tell you that this is legit insane.

Spencer rushes home to tell Caleb about the Radley escape route but is shocked when he tells her about the opposition file on Yvonne’s phone. Apparently they’ve broken ALL the laws and dug up Veronica’s medical records, which show that she was sick. Spencer knew she was sick a long time ago, but these reports are recent. The campaign is gonna leak the files in an effort to smear Veronica…with her own sickness? I mean, grievous trespass aside, wouldn’t Veronica’s status as a survivor help her campaign?

They’re talking about her cancer? Phew, that means they don’t know about all the dead bodies on our lawn!

Guess who’s back in town? Newly silver fox Det. Tanner! Tanner visits Ali and Rollins and tells them that Charlotte fought back against her attacker. According to forensics, Charlotte was murdered with a rectangular metal rod, which rules the golf club out. Also, Charlotte got a phone call in the middle of night, which is probably why she left the house.

I like how Dr. Rollins stands behind Ali like a metaphorical looming cloud of patriarchy

The Liars tell Emily about Sara’s Narnia closet, and Emily realizes that maybe she did see Sara at the fertility clinic. She wants to Ali about the hole (BTW the Liars say “hole” like 30 times in this episode) and maybe tell the cops. Then Liam walks into the Brew and tells Aria to put some pants on because they need to talk about Ezra.

I’m Aria’s new milquetoast beta male!

Cool story bro, but I’m here for #TeamSparia

Spencer visits her mom at campaign headquarters, where Veronica is scheduled to the max. She tries talking to her, but the tornado of campaigning sweeps her away before she can ask about her illness.

Emily goes to the fertility clinic, where they’ve posted a “sorry we lost ur eggs Ôÿ?” sign on the door. The nurse pops her head out to tell Emily that there was a freezer malfunction and one of the units failed and like, 30 couple’s eggs melted, including Emily’s. And by “melted” I mean stolen, of course.

This pizza delivery boy fell into one of our cryo tanks and scrambled your eggs

Damn you, I.C. Wiener!

Hanna wakes up in the sex shack to find herself alone. She panics until Jordan returns, saying he went to make some calls. Dude, Hanna is a trauma survivor! Don’t go leaving her alone in strange sex motels! Luckily room service has swung by with an unordered breakfast. Hanna removes the plate cover to reveal a breakfast Jordan face with a fork in his egg eye. I know this was supposed to be threatening, but scary breakfast face made me laugh SO LOUDLY.

Would love to see the continental breakfast version where Jordie’s face is made of stale croissants and butter packets

Emily and Spencer visit Ali to tell her about the new A, who thinks the Liars know who killed Charlotte. They think that A wants vengeance for her murder, but when they tell Ali about the golf club, she tells them they’re wrong. Emily wants to know if they’re being punked, but they all agree that Sara doesn’t have enough personality to be funny.

Back at the Brew, Liam asks to see more of Ezra’s pages, and Aria scuttles off somewhere to write them. I remain SO NOT INTERESTED in this storyline.

I know you can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?

Hanna tells Emily she’s sorry about her lost eggs and insists that she stay at Lucas’s bachelor pad with her. They puzzle over who really killed Charlotte, and Emily feels guilty that this bullshit cost innocent couples their potential babies. I’m not quite on board with A’s motives here: if they want to know who the killer is, then why feed false info to the Liars? My brain hurts.

this storyline is more confusing than my mesh shirt/leather vest combo!

Across town, Spencer runs into Mona at a local shop and asks her if Yvonne left her cell phone on purpose, which of course she did. Spencer thinks Mona did it to discredit her, but the VanderJesus really did it as a backdoor way to get Spencer the intel on the opposition’s research. Mona thinks that digging up Veronica’s medical records is a low blow, so she found a circuitous way to leak the info to Spencer without incriminating herself. Why the fuck is this beautiful genius wasting her time in local elections when she should clearly be running the CIA?

Bitch, I make Stephen Hawking look like Charly from “Flowers for Algernon.”

Meanwhile, Jordan is miffed that Hanna is getting embroiled in Rosewood nonsense again. He thinks the answer is to leave for New York (not the worst idea) and that the Liars are being paranoid. Maybe so, but you’d be paranoid too if your BFF ran you over with her SUV and a psycho implanted threats in your molars just to fuck with you. She tells him that Emily needs her, but Jordan wants to know what Hanna needs. Jordan, don’t try to get between Hannily. You will lose.

Liam reads Aria’s latest ghost pages and immediately calls them out as being her writing. She even put in a personal anecdote about THEIR OWN DATE in the story. Liam is understandably confused as to why Aria is going to all these lengths to protect her “former teacher.”

Spencer tries using her Jedi mind tricks to open the laptop

Spencer tells Caleb about Mona’s machinations and asks him to corrupt the medical file. He can’t, because then the opposition would know they were snooping in their system. Instead, he suggests that Veronica go public with her health issues and take control of the narrative. Before they can continue, Hanna texts Caleb asking him to join her for a drink.

Remember when you used to live in the Rosewood High air ducts? LOL were we ever so young?

Caleb and Hanna meet at Radley, where Hanna is wracked with guilt. She thinks that by “poking the bear” she caused A to steal Emily’s eggs, but Caleb assures her that’s not the case. We FLASHBACK to Haleb in NYC, at a fancy fashion party. While Hanna works, Caleb hides out in an alley way making friends with a stray cat (#lesbian). Caleb thinks Hanna is turning into a fashion-bot and just wants to spend time with her. Hanna just wants to have fun in the Hamptons with her boyfriend and excel at her job. There’s distance growing between them: probably because they want different things, and probably because most high school romances aren’t meant to last into adulthood.

Dammit Hanna, I don’t want to party with the New York elite! If you need me, I’ll be sitting on this dumpster with this garbage cat

Also, Caleb calls the fashionistas “Sybils” which is insane because a Sybil is clearly a woman with multiple personalities played by Sally Field. Guys, watch Sybil.

Over at the Brew, Emily bumps into Tanner, who puzzles over the fact that Rosewood has been murder free since the Liars left town. She hints at keeping them in town for investigation and acts pretty imperious considering she hasn’t solved a single murder ever on this show. Tanner gonna Tanner, I guess.

All it takes is one finger pressed firmly on her G-spot…

I’m listening

Ali goes to visit Spencer and confesses that she’s in love with Dr. Rollins. She’s tired of keeping it a secret, but she knows that people will judge them. I don’t know girl, compared to most of your shenanigans, sleeping with Rollins is pretty far down on the list. Spencer tells her to follow her heart because you never know when your loved one will get sick/murdered.

Caleb confronts Mona in an elevator and threatens to destroy her if she or her #LittleMonas in her head plan on hurting Spencer. Mona asks him who is the better kisser between her, Hanna, and Spencer. YA BURNT, CALEB.

Want to know who was the best kisser? Why don’t you ask your mom?

I see what you did there

Spencer finds her mom asleep on the couch. The polling numbers come in, and the race is crazy close. Spencer tries talking to her mom, but, seeing how happy she is to be campaigning, just tells her she’s going to win.

Ali tells Rollins that she wants to go public with their relationship. He wants to protect her, but she’s not one to be dissuaded by rumors or reputation. They kiss, and there’s rustling outside in the bushes because A is everywhere, obviously.

When will these dummies learn not to make out in front of open windows?

Aria and Hanna sneak in through the Radley hole, hoping to rescue Emily’s eggs from Sara’s minibar. They accost a long-haired stranger and feel her up before they realize it’s Emily. Hanna apologizes for grabbing Emily’s boob, which LOLOLOL lesbian shenanigans. Be advised PLL writers, this grope in the darkness does not qualify as a love interest for Emily. Hanna reminds Emily that she’s got the money to finish school, so she is free to move on with her life. Besides, she can always donate eggs again is she wants to help someone. Hanna tells them that they’ll all have beautiful babies who will have play dates, and frolic and hide evidence together just like their moms.

Sorry, Emily, we thought your boobs were As, but they felt more like Cs

Terrible boob jokes aside, let’s get some pink drinks and see where this night goes

Over in the barn of love, Spaleb is cuddling in front of the fireplace. They hope that the opposition will take the high road, which means that neither of them is familiar with politics. Spencer checks Melissa’s luggage and finds that the metal handle is missing from her bag…and it’s the same shape as the rod that killed Charlotte. IDK guys, I have a suitcase just like that, and the metal rod is hollow and flimsy. I don’t think anyone’s getting murdered via luggage.

Aria is at the Brew when Ezra finally returns. She comes clean about ghostwriting, and he (sort of) apologizes for being a big baby and storming out. He tells her that he saw her parents the night Charlotte was murdered, and they begged him not to reveal their affair. Then he went to House of Pies and hung out. Also, while he was gone visiting a bro in Albany, he worked on the book. Yay?

Apparently stalking you and your friends for years casts me in an unflattering light

Back at Radley, A cleans up the electro-shock table while listening to “Whistle While You Work.” Oh, that scamp!

Thanks to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her screengrabs. That girl is NEVER a Sybil.

Tune in next week, when Emily gets run over by a truck and her house gets egged with her own eggs.

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