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“Grey’s Anatomy” recap (12.9): Speak

Oh my dear GreysGays, how I have missed you these past few months. We need to talk about last night’s ridiculously good return episode of Grey’s Anatomy because I’m about to burst at the seems with feels about it.

Never has Greys been more focused on Meredith than it has been since McDreamy was killed. From Derek’s ashes, Meredith has been able to rise in a way that is bringing all kinds of new light to Meredith’s character. This episode is decidedly Mer focused; so much so that we actually see the world through her eyes.

We flash forward to Meredith teaching a class where her voiceover talks about the fact that women are far less likely to raise their voices in group settings. We often let men take the lead, either by giving it up altogether or allowing them to interrupt without correction. This is hella true and very upsetting. Raise your hands if you’ve ever backed down or been intimidated to speak up. This is also important because this episode has long stretches of silence when Meredith can’t speak out at all. Sometimes I think the voiceovers can be a little heavy-handed, but this one is very layered.

Meredith works on a patient named Lou, who was injured in a car pile up. He’s a sweet guy who talks about his kids before he has a massive seizure. Meredith is left alone with an unconscious Lou until he wakes up not unlike a zombie, totally disoriented and in a fugue state. When Meredith tries to get Lou to lay back down, he starts to attack her. She’s slammed into glass cabinets and tossed around like a rag doll. Unfortunately, because of the din of the noisy hospital, no one hears what’s happening in the moment. It’s not until Penny comes back in that Meredith finds the help she desperately needs.

I want to take a moment to mention that Oscar-winning actor Denzel Washington directed this episode and imbued it with an intimate sense of character as well as a cinematic sense that we haven’t seen much of on Grey’s. I hope he comes back because this episode was transformative.

The docs all gather round, trying to help out their friend who is suffering greatly. Maggie runs to he sister’s side, and Alex wipes away tears on the sleeve of his shirt hoping Mer doesn’t see. Penny also never leaves Meredith’s side. One thing the docs don’t realize at first is that Meredith has been rendered deaf from the beating, and can’t hear what they are saying. They have to do to her, many of the things we see them do to patients, but Meredith’s pain is palpable. We feel it too. Her collapsed lung, her broken jaw, her silent ears-it’s almost too much to bear.

She cries out in agony when they move her, but the worst is when Jackson has to pop her jaw open to intubate her.

Amelia arrives to consult, not realizing that Meredith is the patient. Earlier, Amelia had decided to avoid a call from Meredith for a neuro consult and go to another trauma instead. That’s a decision that will haunt her. I don’t want to come down hard on Amelia because I really like her, but she somehow finds a way to make everything about her. Watching her sitting on the floor helpless makes me angry-am I alone in that?

The next few days are a morphine haze for both Meredith and us. Callie appears, her beautiful smile hiding her concern for her friend. Meredith still can’t hear, but Callie appears to mouth the words, “You are doing amazing” or something to that effect. When Mer regains consciousness again, she sees Richard arguing with a visibly intoxicated Amelia in her room. Richard moves it outside, and I’m pretty sure Amelia tells him to screw off. He returns to Meredith’s side, brushing her hair gently before she morphines out again.

Over the next few days, Meredith is silently wheeled into surgery, the ever present Alex by her side. She sees the tension between him and Jo, just before she goes under. When she wakes, she finds her jaw wired shut, but she’s more lucid than ever. She can see Callie, Bailey and Jackson arguing over her charts. When Penny catches her eye, she motions for Penny to show her the charts. Penny is reluctant but does as Meredith requests. When Mer sees the true toll of the attack on her body, she shoos Penny and the chart away.

When she’s finally alone, she sobs uncontrollably through the pain, the frustration and the fear. Alex finds her weeping and crawls into bed with her, trying to comfort her as best he can. In this moment, one can’t help but feel that Alex has truly become Meredith’s person. He says something that makes her laugh, and they realize that Meredith’s hearing is starting to come back. There is a silver lining!

Now that Meredith can hear, she gets a full report of her injuries and progress. She’s doing much better, but still only has 50% of her hearing in one ear, and a bunch of broken bones. Mer still can’t talk, but she uses a whiteboard to ask about Lou, the patient who attacked her. The docs tell her that he has recovered and has no recollection of what happened that day. He does, however, want to apologize in person, but Meredith isn’t ready for that. That night, Alex sleeps in a chair next to Meredith’s bed, and Meredith sees Jo slip in to cover him with a blanket. This episode lets us really see the little things that show intimacy and affection for one another. It’s something Mer won’t forget.

When Steph stops by to give Meredith a neuro check, Mer asks her what the deal is when Amelia. Well, she motions to Amelia, who is basically stalking her outside. Steph tells her that Owen and Amelia haven’t been talking. Later on, in one of the episode’s sweetest moments, Arizona does Meredith’s makeup so she can look nice for her first visit with her kiddos. It’s probably the nicest moment these two have ever shared. Meredith even reaches out and touches Arizona’s arm in a sign of friendship and affection.

Unfortunately, the good feelings don’t last. When Meredith’s kids see her for the first time, they are frightened. Mer can’t talk or open her mouth, and her desperation to hold them and appearance causes all the children to recoil. Alex takes the kids back home, but Meredith is devastated. She starts to have a panic attack, and Penny finds her in this state. In order to help Meredith breathe, she cuts the wires in her mouth so Meredith can take in gulps of air. Jackson finds them and is furious that Penny had tampered with his work, but Penny doesn’t back down. She stands up for Meredith and herself and becomes one of her most fierce advocates. It’s a turning point for the women. It’s also finally redemption for Penny. She couldn’t save Derek because she was afraid to use her voice. That won’t happen again.

Meredith’s mood has soured now, and she’s aching to move on from the monotony of the hospital and reunite with her family. When she sees Amelia slink off again, she tosses a smoothie in her direction to get her attention. Amelia comes in and explains that she’s been trying to find a way to make amends with Meredith. The more she pushes back the person she is inside, which is needy and processy and messy, the more Amelia sinks into addiction. When Amelia throws herself a bit of a pity party, Meredith can’t stop herself from rolling her eyes.

When Richard finds Meredith stewing and feeling sorry for herself, he takes her on a little trip outside, her first since the attack. Even Richard’s rendition of “My Girl” can’t make Meredith happy. Richard gives her one of his all-time best pep talks. This one is about the power of forgiveness and how it can heal the soul. It starts with Amelia. “Forgive her for not being there,” he tells Meredith. “For being the wrong Shepherd, just enough to remind you of what’s missing but not enough to bring him back.” The wrong Shepherd. If that doesn’t just punch you in the feels, I don’t know what will.

While Meredith gets her leg brace on and dressed, she sees April and Jackson’s relationship limping towards the finish line. Jackson has served April with divorce papers and doesn’t want to continue talking things through in counseling. What a painful little glimpse into someone else’s life. That day, Meredith prepares to see Lou, the man who unintentionally attacked her. He’s waiting for her with his wife and children, and a potted plant. He’s obviously torn apart by what he did, and Meredith is really the only one who can help him move on. That she does and reaches out a hand to Lou so he can finally let go and forgive himself.

One night, Amelia leaves her 30-day sobriety chip for Meredith. Meredith stops her before she leaves since she finally got her wires removed and can talk. Amelia tells Mer that she’s been trying, really trying, but Meredith isn’t ready to forgive yet. Neither is Amelia. But at least they are talking, right?

Meredith finally gets to come home, and Alex tries to make her as comfortable as possible. She stops him though. He’s done more than his fair share of personing. She knows how much Jo cares for him, so she tells him to go and figure that shit out because that’s some big time love they have there. Alex does as she says, and Meredith is able to spend some time with her three kids and get back to living.

“Don’t let fear keep you quiet,” Meredith’s voiceover tells us. “You have a voice, so use it. Speak up, raise your hands, shout your answers, make yourself heard. Whatever it takes, just find your voice. And when you do, fill the damn silence.” These might be some of my favorite lines from a Grey’s episode. (Fine work, Stacy McKee.) They are words we need to hear. Words that should spur us on, fire us up and force us to look at the ways we keep silent. I’m guilty of it. Too many times I have been scared to fill the silence in my own world. I bet you are too. Let’s take Mer’s advice and speak up. I’ll shout if you will.

Here are some of our favorite #GreysGays tweets from “The Sound of Silence.”

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