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“The Fosters” recap (3.13): Mushy Mushrooms

Previously on The Fosters, Sharon and Lena argued about what Stef should do with her body like a couple of GOP presidential candidates. AJ, Ty, and Connor all left town but for different reasons. Mariana and Lexi were one Carly Fiorina short of the worst debate in election history, and Mat and Brandon decided to do a rock opera for their senior project.

I hate mushrooms

Sharon and Lena are arguing over whether Stef’s mushrooms can be salvaged if they cut out the mold or whether they should just toss them completely. Subtlety thy name is anything but Sharon. Stef tells her mom to butt out and while she’s at it why doesn’t she just pack up her RV and skedaddle. The funniest part of this is that Stef and Lena have inexplicably failed to tell their 47 children that Stef has cancer in spite of the fact that they are shouting about it so loudly that Mr. Crabapple next door surely knows all about Stef’s boobs. It’s a pretty big parent fail.

Maybe we should take the RV and go on vacation.

Mike has popped over for a quick cup of coffee and an arrest warrant. Do they ever do work at work? Upstairs, Callie is chatting with “AJ” on Fost and Found and breaking her promise to tell Stef if she heard from AJ.

Mat and Brandon are out in the garage playing Romeo and Romeo. Brandon convinces Mat to play the lead in their rock opera. Mat suggests that Talia, Brandon’s nightmare ex-girlfriend, to play Juliet. Brandon says no, there’s only room for one diva in this thing.

Mariana is deciding which shirt says “junior class president” while Callie ignores her. Jesus and Nick blast through the room like a couple of giant five-year-olds, pausing only long enough for Nick to tell Mariana she has a nice rack. Ew. Callie asks Mariana to track the location of whoever is messaging her on Fost and Found. Mariana finds out that the IP address is in San Diego. But AJ is in Arizona! Who could be messaging Callie?

Nick has questions about who Ana is, are they all adopted, and where are all their dads and isn’t Jesus just a little curious about who his dad might be? This kid really wants to do well when he and Jesus go on The Newlywed Game.

Ew, there’s Mike and Stef fanfiction?

Stef is filling out an application for a warrant for both Ty and AJ. Mike begs her not to add AJ because it could get him sent to prison for wanting to stick with his brother. Stef isn’t moved. Apparently, special treatment for seventeen-year-olds only extends to Brandon.

Mariana is telling Ana all about the drama with Lexi. She makes Jesus promise that he and Lexi are never, ever, ever getting back together. When she skips out of the room Jesus has some questions for Ana about his birth dad. Ana says his name was Gabriel but other than that she has no idea who he was or where he is now.

How do you solve a problem like my mother?

Sharon is singing all 17 verses of “So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night,” before departing in her RV. She doesn’t know when she will see Stef next. Parting is such sweet sorrow filled with passive aggressive melodrama. Sadly, the RV won’t start, and Sharon and Will are here to stay another day.

Yes, doctor, I am calling to have a mass removed from my driveway.

Cousin Reagan ships Mike and Ana and offers to change Isabella so they can have a chance to fall in love. Mike fills Ana in about how Ty may have been the one who nearly killed her last season. Brandon, of course, walks in on this conversation. When Mike tells him what happened and that he misjudged AJ, Brandon reminds Mike of all the times he screwed up and how Mike didn’t give up on him. He also reminds Mike that the only reason Brandon didn’t get arrested was that his parents are cops. Jesus had a head transplant and apparently, Brandon had a personality transplant.

Before she leaves, cousin Reagan tells Jesus she knows who his birth dad is (um, I went to Sunday school, too. It’s Joseph). He works for Reagan’s dad and wasn’t some random fling. Jesus’ dad is a carpenter!

Election day at Anchor Beach. Mariana is pressing the flesh, handing out buttons that say “Lexi Stinks!” Talya finds Brandon and offers to be his Juliet. Oh, she’s going to have to audition because, you know his mom is the Vice Principal and, you know, fairness or whatever.

Not in school is Callie, who is meeting AJ at a coffee shop. AJ never shows, but Rafael from the drop-in center does and apparently is over firing Callie. He wants to do an event with Fost and Found. It’s weird. Callie skips out on this super awkward reunion to try to find AJ.

May is livid with Brandon over the idea of open auditions. Brandon agrees that if Talya is the best he will deal with it. Mat is good for Brandon; he doesn’t put up with any of the bullshit his family lets him get away with.

Jude and Jack are playing an interminable video game. Jack is a pretty shitty substitute for Connor, who apparently loves his new school and is playing football. When Jude goes back to the living room with snacks, Jack has disappeared.

Nick can’t believe that Jesus doesn’t have more information on his dad. They have staked out the construction site and are playing “Are you my poppa?” with every dude who walks by. It’s riveting stuff.

Sorry, I am temporarily blinded by my hideous shirt.

Jesus get home, and Will asks him for a socket wrench. Jesus stares at the tools and then marvels that Will knows how to fix stuff. Will’s dad was a mechanic. I guarantee you that Stef and Lena both know what a socket wrench is and the only reason Jesus doesn’t is that when chores happen he and the other kids scatter. They crack an ice cold Perrier and ponder whether Jesus needs to know his earthly birth father in order to understand who he is.

Jude has misplaced his friend. Goldilocks decided to help himself to a nap on the moms’ bed which is weird, and Jude decides to make sure Jack knows just how weird. Callie yells at Jude for acting like some kind of Brandon Foster to the new kid.

I took a baseball bat to a car when someone called you weird, remember?

In the middle of Callie telling Mariana about AJ not showing up at the coffee show AJ calls. Callie begs him to come home, but he can’t just leave his brother. Oh, and by the way, Callie, you’re being catfished! TTFN. Callie bops downstairs to tell Stef. Saddle up the cavalry, it’s time to go get your boyfriend!

Mike reminds Stef that AJ is a good kid who could get in a lot of trouble, and maybe he deserves the Brandon Foster treatment. Stef stomps around and growls and generally acts like Stef. She listens to Lena and respect her opinion, but this is something tangible she can do to protect her family while her damn body is trying to kill her from the inside. So if everyone will get out of her damn way she has a felon to bust.

In the dream kitchen, the kids and Lena are getting ready for the day while Stef is off arresting Ty. Mariana plans to win the election and won’t have time for Brandon’s stupid play. Mariana shouldn’t have been so confident, it turns out. Who would have thought a bunch of teenagers would vote style over substance?

Gratuitous picture of Lena looking amazing.

Talya is pretty great in her audition and Mat tells Brandon he needs to suck it up and deal. The joke’s on him when Mariana walks in and kills it. Looks like Mat is the one who is going to have to suck it up and deal.

Jude apologizes to Jack. Poor Jack just wants to hang out in a house like Jude’s. He knows he’s weird, and he won’t get adopted because of it. Jude tells him a story all about how his life got flipped turned upside down. You see, Jude’s a weirdo, but his family saw that weirdness and loved him for it. So, let’s go play video games, dude and maybe stop sleeping in my moms’ bed, okay?

Brandon, never one to keep a secret (in spite of screaming at Callie last week about secrets) tells Callie that Ty might be the one who almost killed the twins and Ana. Callie calls AJ but gets Ty instead. Ty takes it as a sign to get the hell out, but AJ won’t go with him. Before he has a chance to leave his brother the cops barge in. Stef says in her best Rosewood pharmacist voice “I KNOW YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOUR BROTHER ALMOST KILLED MY FAMILY SO WE ARE JUST TAKING YOU IN AS A RUNAWAY!” Oh, Stef, you growl and stomp around, but you do listen.

I need a fucking vacation

Jesus walks up to the construction site and just starts yelling “GABRIEL!” to try to find his dad. The owner gives him a job for the day so he can spend the day being weird around his birth father.

Sorry, I couldn’t be your dad. I was busy taking care of my four siblings.

Stef comes clean to Lena about having the cancer gene. It changes everything for them. Now the double mastectomy doesn’t seem like a rash decision. Stef finds her way to the RV to sit with her mom. She needs her and doesn’t want her to go.

After I gave birth to my daughter, my wife and a nurse wheeled her into the nursery to get cleaned up, and I was alone in the room for the first time since coming into the hospital. A minute later my mom walked in. She had driven from New Hampshire to New Jersey on Christmas day when she heard I was in labor. When she walked in, I burst into tears. I was 29. I had a wife and a house and a new baby, and all I wanted right then was my mom. I wonder if that feeling ever goes away.

Sharon breaks down after Stef goes inside. Will should go on the trip alone, as soon as the RV runs again. He broke the RV, dummy. He wouldn’t let Sharon leave like that. But he will go now, but he will be back because he’s a weirdo but he loves Sharon a whole bunch. (Elaine Atwell tells me the song playing during this scene is by queer artist des ark.)

Callie messages with “AJ.” “AJ” is really Jack. Jude is going to kill that kid.

Next week! Stef and Lena naked in a pool!

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night.

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