Looks like Liza and Josh are back on (this week). They partake in a little quickie before Liza has to go to work; only, it’s strange timing considering Josh just discovered Liza’s daughter Caitlyn is now following him on Instagram. I guess that IG gets ’em going. Liza calls Caitlyn on the way to work, asking her to unfollow Josh. Caitlyn complies, but it’s safe to say Liza’s the one having a better morning walk. By the time she gets to Empirical, Kelsey and Diana Trout are in a meeting with Jade to discuss her book cover. She has a really epic idea: spread out in the subway next to a homeless man while masturbating-the cover shot being the moment she climaxes, of course. Now, here I thought this book was supposed to be about fashion trends from a fashion blogger. Seems Jade thinks she’s simply taking over the whole world. Her book will, according to her, also feature a sound clip upon opening the book-her orgasm in action. Trout points out: “Book signing should be fun.”
Kelsey’s freaking out over Jade’s lack of direction. She wants her pages so she can start publishing this thing-but Jade’s aversions to Kelsey are shining through. Each moment Kelsey becomes more insistent that Jade deliver her some writing, Jade recoils and actually seethes, and literally, maybe foams a little at the mouth as her elevator door closes. They’ve finally agreed to meet at a bar a la Ernest Hemingway, which is the closest Kelsey gets to achieving results. And it’s the closest she’ll ever get.
She shows up at the bar the next night, and Jade’s a no-show. Damn. And Kelsey came all this way to sit in a dive bar drinking whiskey with the so-called writer who doesn’t seem to think her contract is serious. That’s when Lauren texts her with a bombshell: Lauren just blew her book advance on $40,000 boots. Now, she’s feeding everyone around her $600 “douche” burgers and doesn’t show signs of slowing down yet. Her hashtags are evidence of something sinister, too. Is she playing games with Kelsey? #YEP
Meanwhile, Liza goes to one of Josh’s shows and runs into former-married-life-friend, Michelle, donning a “Truffle Butter” shirt. She’s here with her husband because they did a little lurking online-found Liza’s daughter’s Instagram through their daughter’s Instagram and located this radical bluegrass band playing tonight at this “hipster bluegrass bar.” Not only that but they also know by way of their Internet stalking that Liza has a new man, who happens to be the dude in the band.
Unable to hide this one, Liza admits to it, much to the fanfare of Michell, who looks as if she’s creamed her panties, and her husband who aptly suggests Liza’s picked out some “real estate in Cougar Town.” If there were emojis for Michelle’s reaction to the word “cougar” it would look like this: knife, monkey face with hands over its mouth, and six wines. “Get me a Pinot Grigio,” she orders to her husband.
Josh finishes up with his washboard and comes over to greet Liza’s friends. They joke about being from New Jersey and have no idea Josh has never even been across the river to Jersey. All of that is about to change, though, because they’d love for Liza and Josh to come over for dinner. Dinner in New Jersey with these people? Liza’s mortified.
She checks in with Maggie the next morning to discuss her options. Maggie’s great at being Liza’s moral compass but on this one, she has to take a hard pass. “You need me to tell you to pick you? Woman up!” Liza compares her dilemma to the game of RISK (it’s a family-fun 1970s board game that takes days and weeks and months to complete-it’s a war game. I’ve seen my share of casualties and sibling tears.) In this case, however, Liza’s situation is simply a big ass spider web, says Maggie-not RISK. Not even close. The only person at war is Liza-with herself. She is both the spider and the fly. So profound, Mags.
On the way to Jersey, Josh brings up Michelle’s hilarious “Truffle Butter” shirt, assuming Liza understood why it was a sight to see. She doesn’t get it. It’s obviously something worth checking out on Urban Dictionary. Poor Michelle, thinking she was sporting a black and gold foodie shirt for her favorite infused creamery butter. Not so much, says Nicki Minaj.
Josh wants to have some of his edible marijuana lollipops to get through the night, but Liza suggests he experience Jersey “raw.” Michelle takes Liza aside after dinner to ask all the dirty details about her “boy toy” Josh. Her face is so animated, bursting with anticipation, heaving in delight. She wants to know that the sex is good, but she’s disheartened when Liza gets serious and says “this is real between us.” Michelle doesn’t seem to understand what that means. Here, she self-identifies as a “bored married woman” who just wanted to hear some Danielle Steel sexiness. Michelle’s already taken off running, imagining Liza and Josh making love to Chris Isaak‘s “Wicked Game” on a beach in black and white. But Liza’s for real Michelle!
Like a flashlight that just lost its battery juice, Michelle’s bursting excitement changes. She better let Liza know that this relationship can’t possibly last. She’ll get older, she’ll go through “age spurts” and then she’ll have lost these last few good years-whatever the fuck that means, by hooking up with a hot guy named Josh instead of finding a serious man that is more “age appropriate” to settle down with (again.) She’s saying this “as a friend,” but Liza just wants the pitiful tirade to stop. Someone who seemed so quick to get their rocks off over a little kiss-and-tell in the kitchen is suddenly being very critical and offhand. Ah, but the trellis is all lit up the backyard! The TRELLIS, y’all! Michelle exits stage left as Liza bites off the entire lollipop she told Josh he couldn’t have. Jersey, sure? More like Jersey, stoned.
In the end, Michelle Googles what “Truffle Butter” really is and most likely burns her T-shirt in the fireplace soon after. Kelsey and Lauren finally hunt down Jade back at her loft, but she’s having a wild party (complete with face painters, ooh, Lauren wants in) and cements it into Kelsey’s head, finally, that, “Bitch, there is no book.” Door slam.
Josh helps Liza come down from her high with a washcloth and love. Even though she feels embarrassed, alarmed and apparently let Michelle get under her skin, she realizes now that she wants to keep this thing going with Josh, and he so does, too. Josh closes his eyes and goes in for a soft kiss. But what the hell is Kelsey going to do now? And when is Lauren going to make a cameo back at Maggie’s for some more fun?
Tune in next week for an all-new Younger on TV Land, and follow me on Twitter @the_hoff!
