“The Vampire Diaries” recap (7.4): Heaven, Hell, and Nothing In Between

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Welcome back to The Vampire Diaries, where the heretics are jumping and the death rate is high. Three years in the future, Alaric is working on a science fair project that turns out to be a doll he’s fixing for his adorable twin daughters. Are these the babies Jo was pregnant with when she died? Who let all these emotions in here?

Rick sends the kids to put their PJs on, then hears a weird noise. He grabs his shotgun and goes to find Damon at the door. From the tension in the room, it’s clear their rad bromance has been over for quite some time. Notably absent from the scene is the mother of Rick’s matching set of babies, strengthening my conviction that Zombie Jo gone to the dark side is the Big Bad of the future.

Back in the present, Alaric is once again using the magical powers of bribery to get some alone time in the morgue with Jo, before the corpse fridge gets cleaned out and she’s tossed like so much two-week-old pizza.

Damon has just finished planning his captive transfer with Lily when he finds Oscar stuffed in a cabinet with his heart ripped out, which is going to significantly decrease his value on the hostage market.

tvd 4.1For sale: heretic, slightly used, heart sold separately.

At Whitmore, Bonnie is trying to slip out of her dorm room without waking Caroline, who I’m going to assume is sleeping off their night of passion after they realized no male character on this show comes within two standard deviations of being worthy of either of them.

tvd 4.2In vain I have struggled; it will not do; my feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I ship it.

Bonnie crawls back into bed with Caroline (this actually happens, on the TV, not just in my head) and promises to find a way to de-vervain her skin as soon as she finishes talking Rick out of using evil zombie magic to raise Jo from the dead.

tvd 4.3 And then you’re going to pick up a new harness for the strap-on, right? Because I don’t mean to be a snob, but fake leather is just not nearly as good.

 

tvd 4.4 Anything for you.

At Heretic Central, Valerie is making “welcome back” omelets for Oscar like she didn’t just rip his heart from his chest last night. Lily comes home with the news that Damon never showed up for their hostage swap. She also found out that her adopted kid Valerie slept with her biological kid Stefan, which is not Lannister-level gross but it’s definitely a little off.

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