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“Jane the Virgin” recap (2.3): I will sleep with your wife!

Previously on Jane the Virgin, Luisa got nabbed, Petra got knocked up and Jane had two men vying for her attention.

Now that Jane has professed her love for both Michael and Rafael, it’s time to get ready for Mateo’s baptism. Mateo will be wearing the baptismal gown passed down from generations, back from when Abuela first move to the States with her true love, Mateo Sr. When it comes to the godparents, it’s going to be Jane’s friend Lena and, gulp, Michael. See, Rafael asked him to do that honor the night Michael rescued Mateo. Now things might be different for Rafael, but they aren’t for Jane. She can’t imagine anyone else but Michael for the honor.

Meanwhile, Rafael is in a less happy place, getting confirmation from his doctor that Petra is indeed pregnant. Jane calls at the worst time and Rafael doesn’t even pay attention when she confirms Michael as godfather. Can’t blame the guy, he’s kind of getting the worst news. Petra will now be connected to him for life, and he didn’t even have a say in it. He admits that he’s been so nice to Petra lately so he could buy her out and be done with that chapter in his life. Sorry, Petra, but your sympathy meter has just run out.

While Jane is busy trying to get Mateo to blink at her during Mommy and Me, Rogelio is two hours into his accidental Cuba vacation slide show. We are all mercifully spared when he gets a call from the Passion of Santos team, and since he’s the Executive Producer now, he needs to jet. It’s “Make Love Week” for telenovelas, which is like sweeps week, with probably the same amount of ratings boosting lesbian kissing. Or at least we can hope.

On his way out, Rogelio bumps into Michael who stopped by to apologize to Jane for asking her to choose. Rogelio tells him to play it cool because he thinks that Jane liked this new, more assertive Michael. He then gives Michael a journal to write down his thoughts in and this bromance is quickly become one of the best things about JtV.

Just then, Jane and Mateo show up and instead of the apology he was planning, Michael just updates her on the Sin Rosetro case. They are getting the visitor logs from the Swiss winery to see if they can match it up with Rose’s handwriting. The fellas leave and Jane gets a letter letting her know she’s been accepted to grad school so she and Mateo do a happy dance. Adorable!!!

She tells Rafael about grad school and how she thinks she can pull it off, but he’s preoccupied with you know, Petra’s crazy pants pregnancy. Jane asks about Luisa but Rafael hasn’t heard from her in a while. Because she’s in a cell. Tied up. KIDNAPPED! Or, should I say, LESBIANAPPED!

Rafael assumes Luisa just ran off to somewhere for a bit, so he’s not the least bit concerned. He kind of freaks when he sees Michael at the church, and admits that he wasn’t paying attention to Jane’s call because of the Petra situation. Jane is not pleased. Looks like their plan to trick Petra into thinking Rafael still had feelings for her backfired. Michael can sense something is wrong, but Rogelio’s voice plays in his head and he decides not to be the sensitive guy he’s hard wired to be.

When Jane tells Xiomora and Abuela about Petra’s insemination, they are pretty grossed out.

Yes, ladies, Petra is the worst but a lot of gaybies have been successfully conceived via turkey baster so don’t judge too harshly. Jane gets a call letting her know she needs to have a World Lit credit in order to enter the grad program. The class starts the next day, but Jane can’t imagine leaving Mateo for class. That’s when Xiomora steps in and the ladies decide they will find a way to make it work. Jane is going to have it all, dammit!

At the studio, Rogelio’s on-screen love interest has been in a boating accident so the studio has to recast, and of course, they want to bring in his ex-wife Luciana to screen-test. Xio thinks that with the ratings boost and coverage it would get, it might be a good thing. However, anyone with eyes and a heart can see that Rogelio is too invested in this woman. I mean, he even has a shrine dedicated to her a la Sue Sylvester in a storage locker. That’s some lesbian shit right there, Rogelio.

Luisa comes face to face with her kidnappers and luckily remembers a bit of German from her Octoberfest escapades. This show is the gift that keeps on giving.

She remembers the phrase, “I’m not interested in you but I will have sex with your wife.” Unfortunately, the men keep saying “mutter” which Luisa thinks means murder, but actually translates to “mother.” Oh, mother indeed.

Jane, after making a promise to the dean that Mateo won’t disrupt the other students, attends her first World Lit class. Naturally, Mateo starts screaming his face off. The Dean tells her that she can’t bring Mateo to class again and she can always apply to grad school next year if she wants to give up her spot. The fact that Jane is not being assisted in anyway shows how screwed up the system is for mothers who want to pursue higher education. With no resources, how can moms make a dent in academia. I’m glad that JtV is tackling this.

In the storage locker, Xiomora beseeches Rogelio to read from his feeling’s journal. Turns out, he feels like a naked, vulnerable kitten. Holler. After two hours of reading his feelings, Xio tells him that he’s a bigger and stronger person now and maybe he’s ready to move on. Ha.

Jane tries to talk to Michael about the grad school situation, but he’s still trying to be cool and suave so he kind of blows her off. She can sense that something is up, but what can she do? Jane and Rafael meet with Petra to hear their options. She gives them three options. Abortion, find her a rich Russian oligarch or co-parent the baby together. The baby will be Mateo’s half sibling after all. When Petra hears that Jane and Rafael aren’t official, her evil hamster wheel starts turning.

Back home, Jane discusses the sitch with Xiomora and Abuela. They have a nightmarish vision of holidays with Petra and her mother.

Michael meets with a handwriting expert who determines that Rose is a sociopath who likes Pinot Noir. Who isn’t?! They think she used to go by Denise, but before Michael can learn more, he gets an emergency text from Rogelio. The emergency is that Michael is too pale, in Rogelio’s opinion and could use a spray tan. Rogelio spills about Petra’s pregnancy, and Michael is really starting to regret not talking to Jane like he wants to.

Jane opens up at her Mommy and Me group about school and her fears about leaving Mateo. They all have their own stories and thoughts about the situation too. The leader of the group tells them all to honor the choices they make, no matter what they are.

On set, Rogelio comes face to face with Luciana, and it’s tough but he’s got Xio for emotional support and he’s powering through. Well, until the kiss which Rogelio gets a little too into, and Xio runs off in tears.

The next day is the baptism, so everyone pulls it together the best they can. Xio gives Jane the poem that Abuela wrote for her baptism, and Xio read at Jane’s as well. It’s a sweet moment for the women, and even at the church, all is lovely and wonderful. It’s a cryfest, people.

Jane tells her mother and Abuela that she has decided not to go to grad school and called to cancel her enrollment. Jane is worried she’s going to miss things with Mateo but Xiomora tells her that yeah, she will, but that doesn’t make her a bad mother. Jane calls to take to take it back, and fills the poor Dean’s voicemail.

Luisa manages to get out of her restraints but when she tries to sneak past the German dude, he wakes up and gently re-ties her. She gets that she’s been kidnapped by someone how cares about her, and assumes it’s Rose. She also thinks it’s super romantic, and weird…but mostly romantic. You are bananacakes, Luisa, but I love you.

At the party, Xiomora is still upset with Rogelio who tries to tell her he was just acting. She walks away and her mother tells her to stop running. She bails when her heart is on the line and it’s time to stop and face her life. Before Michael leaves, he tells Jane he left her something in her room. Jane suspects that Michael may be taking himself out of the running for her love, so Rogelio admits he gave him some advice. Bad advice. She finds Michael to tell him how she’s not a fan of his new ‘tude, but he tells her to go look in her room. There is his feelings journal, full of messages for her from his heart.

Jane meets with Rafael to tell him that she wants to try to make this whole co-parenting thing with Petra work. At the same time, Rogelio tells Xio that he’s not going to hire his ex for the role because he doesn’t want to hurt her. Rafael tells Petra he’s on board with the pregnancy, as much as one can be when they’ve been conned.

At the precinct, Michael gets a call from the Swiss vineyard owners, and when he says the name Denise, it strikes fear in their hearts. The wife tells Michael that she brought all kinds of trouble to their village. Before she hangs up, she gives him a name: Heidi Von Ocher. Who the hell is Heidi?

Luisa, who thinks she’s being wooed via kidnapping, is still tied up and demanding room temperature water. The thing is, Rose isn’t behind her kidnapping. In fact, whoever the kidnapper is is trying to get Rose’s attention. They decide to film Luisa getting kneecapped, and poor Luisa is in far more danger than she thought.

Jane gets the good news that she’s got her grad school spot back, and Rafael in his excitement, kisses her as Petra looks on. Hanging on, is Rogelio who is filming a “death defying scene” for his show. Luciana isn’t happy that he denied her the role, and if he doesn’t change his mind, she’s going to release a video he doesn’t want the world to see. Looks like he’s in a tough spot.

So who do you think kidnapped Luisa? Who is Heidi and who is Mutter? So many questions!

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