“The Vampire Diaries” recap (7.3): Blast from the Past

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Welcome back to The Vampire Diaries: Paranormal House Hunters, the spookiest show about real estate and post-mortem property law on television!

Three years in the future, Stefan calls up Tyler Lockwood, everyone’s favorite werewolf-turned-hybrid-turned-human-turned-werewolf-again. Tyler doesn’t want to get caught in the middle of Stefan and Caroline’s feud, but he does agree to warn Caroline that Stefan’s scar has opened up. I’m so excited to see Tyler again! Remember when he smothered his dying girlfriend with his bare hands in order to save his own life? Good times.

To cover his tracks, Stefan douses his Porsche in gasoline and sets it on fire. You know it’s serious if a Salvatore is willing to sacrifice his car. Just before it goes up in flames, though, Stefan rescues one volume of his journal from the conflagration.

tvd 3.1Cool guys don’t look at explosions.

Back in the present day, Bonnie is writing a letter to Elena when she’s struck by another horrifying blood-and-death vision and knocked out cold. Damon, who’s supposed to have left Mystic Falls, is laying low by shacking up with Rick bachelor-pad-style. Rick is tired of Damon walking around wearing nothing but a towel, but he’s stuck with him until the Salvatores can track down the missing sixth heretic and exchange him for Elena, Caroline, the house, and those toy soldiers Lily confiscated back in the 1840s.

Bonnie drops by to make sure Rick wasn’t lying about destroying the Shiny Red Rock of Doom. He lies again, super unconvincingly. Come on, Bennet, you can raise the dead but you can’t see through the worst liar in Mystic Falls?

tvd 3.2 I definitely didn’t not neglect to destroy the stone, or otherwise, as the case may be.

Damon’s been doing some detective work and discovered that Lily’s been making a lot of phone calls to Myrtle Beach, so it’s time for a road trip. As soon as Damon puts on pants. Which he will, after he finishes wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Rick a few thousand more times. Look, I think we all know how Damon is dulling the pain of Elena’s absence, right?

tvd 3.3Everybody say “situational homosexuality.”

At the Salvatore house, Caroline finds Stefan’s phone, which is convenient because Stefan is calling it. He’s like “So, how’s being kidnapped and tortured going?” and she’s like “Did you have a thing for some chick named Valerie decades before I was born?” Present-day Valerie appears, crushes the phone, and kicks Caroline in the head. Guess she got tired of pretending to be the good cop.

Stefan goes outside to see Lily ineptly trying to parallel park. She comes dangerously close to scratching his Porsche, which upsets him more than anything she’s done so far. He politely requests that she have her kids stop torturing his girlfriend, and subtly slips into the conversation that he’s fighting with Damon, so her diabolical plan is working, so she should definitely go ahead and let her guard down.

Then he asks if one of her heretics happens to be his old flame Valerie. Lily knew Valerie long before Stefan did–in fact, she was the one who set them up, back when colors were less saturated and Stefan’s hair was aggressively terrible.

tvd 3.4Did all the good barbers die in the war or something?

Lily explains that she sent Valerie to check on Stefan because she couldn’t swan off to Europe with her vampire boyfriend Julian without making sure the sons she abandoned would be safe in her absence. Stefan is understandably skeptical of both her maternal instincts and her taste in men.

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