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“Lost Girl” recap (5.15): My little pony plays with fire

Previously on Lost Girl: Bo went over the rainbow. There she met lions and stoners and Tin Tamsin, oh my. But Vex met with the sharp end of the wicked Hades.

Right, so, not to be rude, but we’ve only got two episodes left here. Whatever is supposed to happen better happen soon, or we’re out of time. So bring on the fire-breathing hell horse. Summon in the armies of darkness. Heck, send in the clowns. Something, anything. No time like the present and all—tick tock.

Wait, wait—I didn’t say burn everything to the ground, Bo. Granted, I’ll take this inferno over the agonizingly slow burn of the story arc this season—but it would be better if Lauren, Kenzi and Dyson weren’t trapped in it. Oh, Mark is also there? Gosh, bummer. What? We can’t expect everyone to survive.

Flash backward 24 hours and Kenzi is burning toast or something similarly flammable in the kitchen in the Suck Shack. This sets off the fire alarm, which she smashes with a broom handle. While I appreciate the “danger” foreshadowing here, I doubt having a working smoke detector will save our crew.

Bo is of like mind—not about household safety equipment, but about keeping her friends safe. She tells Kenzi she doesn’t have to stick around. Whoa, whoa—speak for yourself, lady. Our little K-Star better be in this until the end, especially now that she has begun streaking her hair again like the old days.

Our heroine is trying to come up with a plan. Aw, that’s cute. But why start now? Five seasons of totally plan-less forging ahead into danger has been going so well for the last five seasons. Bo knows whatever the plan is it will involve the Pyrippus, and Kenzi promises to help her find it. Goodness, I missed these two together so much. The show needs them, it really does.

Kenz leaves our beautiful bestie moment to go check up on Tamsin. Um, has no one checked on her all night? Did no one think it was odd she didn’t say goodnight? And has no one wondered where Vex has wandered off to as well? Do Canadians not say goodbye at the end of friendly gatherings? I don’t understand your customs. Do you just leave a bottle of maple syrup on the doorstep and disappear?

Instead they find Vex on the floor and no Tamsin upstairs. Yep, Hades has taken her. Rape, forced pregnancy AND kidnapping? Have the writers been reading my wish list for things I wanted to happen in the final season? *audible groan*

Our poor Valkyrie is locked in a cage, just like Aife, in a room that is already fitted with a fully decked out baby crib. Someone got a little ahead of himself while browsing the Pottery Barn Kids website. Jack the Rapist arrives filled with unwanted pregnancy advise. It all makes Tamsin want to throw up. So say we all.

Meanwhile Vex is recuperating at Lauren’s lab. So it was just a little throat slashing then? His vocal chords were severed but artery was spared. Interesting, since it seems exactly the opposite happened to Trick. (How else could he sputter out his dying affirmations to Bo?) I’m highly dubious about the physiological possibility of either of those scenarios, but will allow it since I wasn’t prepared to say goodbye to our Mesmer.

Dyson wants to run off and save Tamsin immediately. But Bo says they’ve tried running off without a plan for five seasons and, miraculously, it’s worked each time—with The Dawning, with The Garuda, with the Una Mens.

Kenzi pulls out the lucky horseshoe and asks if that will help. Probably, but first they need to find a hell horse. If only someone who was close to Bo when she was born was still alive to help them figure out Jack’s plan. Cue Vex and his whiteboard, who scribbles something about Bo’s midwife. Hey, remember her?

This show can be equal parts astounding and infuriating in its foresight and oversight sometimes—occasionally, all at once. But more on that later. First they have to find out more about this midwife from Evony. Yes, Evony. Thank God we get to see her at least once more before this whole thing goes to hell. See what I did there? Hell, Hades? Just trying to lighten the mood.

So they head off to Evony’s mansion, where Kenzi enjoys the fresh mimosas and butlers with their own butlers. They’ve stumbled into a benefit, because besides riding horses and sending their children off to boarding school, throwing money at charity causes is the main leisure activity for the filthy rich.

The badass formerly known as the Morrigan doesn’t look pale or pathetic, instead she has a positively philanthropic glow about her. Human Evony is a dynamo fundraiser who has raised over $100 million in ten days to cure her disease already. So they aren’t there to cure black hairy tongue disease (hm, no one here watched Scream Queens?) They need info on Bo’s midwife.

The good news is Human Evony doesn’t care about spilling Dark Fae secrets and killing Bo anymore. So she tells them Trick saved her midwife from execution. But when Evony found out she took her and locked her up at her ranch to tend to her horses. Yes, all roads truly do lead to pony play this season.

Dyson and Mark return to the Dal for the first time since Trick’s death. I know this is supposed to be really emotional, but I just can’t muster the energy to care about what happens with Teen Wolf. Still, I guess I’m grateful he gives Dyson someone to grunt through his feelings with other than Bo.

Dyson wants to call a Consilium to gather the most powerful Fae elders in the world together to try to defeat Hades. I love how there seems to be endless layers of Fae governing bodies. The Ash, The Morrigan, The Una Mens. He tasks Mark with summoning the Light Fae elders, but he wants to call the Dark Fae, too. Dyson tells him to stick with the Light, but we all know he won’t because teenagers.

Bo and Kenzi pull up to Evony’s lavish pony ranch and trek though horseshit to find the midwife. I’m guessing we shouldn’t read into that too deeply, eh writers? On the way Bo runs into six white horses. Um, does that mean Bo will be coming ’round the mountain sometime soon?

Bo shares a nice horse whispery moment with her equine six-pack, and then a woman comes up from behind them and says they’re happy to see her. We all swivel to see who she is and Bo squints and says she knows her. We know her; it’s Lou Ann the Dark Fae woman who fell in love with a human who was awaiting execution on death row.

Gotta give this show credit, it’s damn good at bringing back actors from seemingly small guest or cameo roles years and years later. The Oracle. The waitress from the diner. The last time we saw Lou Ann was way back in Season 1. You might remember the episode better as The One Where Doccubus Finally Happened. This was the same episode that introduced us to Vex, back when he had bad Robert Smith hair. Have I mentioned how happy I am he isn’t dead already?

As it turns out Lou Ann was Bo’s midwife. When Trick saved her from death row all those years ago, he told her, “We need to talk.” And that’s what we call playing the long game. Now, I have no idea if this is what the writers had in mind for Lou Ann all along. If they always planned to bring her back at the 11th hour to reveal something important about Bo’s past. Or, if in while writing the final season, they looked back at the earlier seasons and said, “Oh dear, there’s a loose end we should probably do something about.” But, either way, they get a slow clap for bringing her back at all.

So finally we get some exposition we have needed since Season 1. Trick made Lou Ann promise not to tell Bo she was her midwife. He had hired her to rescue Aife, but when she arrived Bo had already been born. So she took her and hid her among the humans. Trick wanted her as far away from the Fae as possible to protect her. Sheesh, secrets to the end with that one, even secrets that make him look good.

Bo says they’re looking for the devil’s pony, so Lou Ann has them saddle up because why not? There’s only like 60 minutes of Lost Girl left, like, ever. Why not take a leisurely horseback ride through the country. Enjoy the little things. Stop and smell the horse manure, I always say.

In the maternity ward from hell, Tamsin searches for a way out of her cage. She has accepted Jack the Rapist’s offer of scrambled phoenix eggs (how much you wanna bet they’re spicy—on account of the rising from the ashes and all). But really she is after the fork, which she tries to pick her lock with. Too bad she didn’t check to make sure that devil was really gone.

But then Tamsin remembers she has wings, which she tries to spread. Alas, Hades has snipped them while she was sleeping. Does this mean Tamsin is going all Maleficent now? Actually she makes a weak play at killing her hell spawn. But instead crumples to the floor and Jack says something ominous about what will happen when it’s born. Oh, Tam-Tam, Season 5 has not been kind to you. Not one bit.

Back on Happy Trails, Lou Ann let’s us in on who their noble steeds really are. One was owned by King Arthur, another ridden by Alexander the Fae. Kenzi gets Otis, the last living and rather flatulent unicorn. Unicorns and fart jokes—dreams do come true, people.

They ride to see a wild stallion who may or may not be the Pyrippus. Red eyes? Check. Fire breath? Check. Wings? No. But, did I mention the fire breath already?

Bo storms into his pen—which is surrounded by some very Eye of Sauron looking posts—to try to break him. He responds with more snot flames, but Bo’s Lucky Horseshoe shields her from the onslaught. Someone pop some marshmallows on the ends of that thing and cook us all up some s’mores. Why waste a perfectly good campfire?

Bo gets the possibly Pyrippus to calm down with some love pats. But when she tries to slip on the horseshoe it’s way to big for his hoof. So now she is stumped. But, guess what, horses have been used in art to depict powerful forces. And Lou Ann offers some more intel, about how Aife said Hades put something evil inside of her baby. So our Bo-Bo has an uh-oh moment when she realizes she has been the Pyrippus all along.

Well, the show sure dropped enough horse hints along the way for her. Granted, her face is more oval than horsey. But I thought she’d never catch on. But now that she gets it, boy, does she ever gallop away with it. Bo jumps through some crazy logic hoops to convince herself the next step is to surrender to Jack like he wants.

Kenzi speaks for all of us when she says, “Hold up, can you explain that last part again please?” Bo says her pops won’t stop until he has the Pyrippus, so she has no choice. Yeah, see, I’m still a little fuzzy on this logic. I don’t want Hades to get what he wants, so I’ll give him what he wants?

At the Dal, the Light Fae and Dark Fae elders are bickering over how to fight Hades and generally being unhelpful. Mark, that little shit, has called them all together because teenagers always think they know best. Dyson goes on and on about the divide between Light and Dark. Remember when this show was about that? Ah, the memories.

Yes, yes, we all know this scene is supposed to represent Dyson’s stubborn generational intolerance in the face of Mark’s hip millennial acceptance of everyone’s differences. We also get treated to Mark’s first shift: He’s a black panther. I wish I had a good joke here, but I really, really don’t.

So Bo runs off to go see Hades at the penthouse. She hears Tamsin crying for help, but ignores them in favor of dear old dad. He isn’t buying that she is there to help and insists he has moved on to “Plan Baby.” That plan also involves Tamsin dying, as all Valkyries do in childbirth. Jesus, if that isn’t a good enough reason to consider lesbianism, I don’t know what is. Ladies, amirite?

But Bo acts unfazed by this news and continues to try to convince Daddy Deadliest of her pure, er, evil intentions. But Hades puts her to one final test before agreeing to work with her. He has something he needs her to do, something involving gasoline.

The elders won’t stop squabbling, so Dyson calls sanctuary. They’re skeptical because of his alliance with Bo, Hades’ daughter. So he drops the knowledge that she is also the granddaughter of the Blood King to audible gasps. I always forget that most Fae weren’t supposed to know Trick was the Blood King. But now that they know they all agree to put aside thousands of years of fighting to work together. Kumbaya, anyone?

Working alone, meanwhile, is Bo who is at the Suck Shack packing her bag. Is that the same black bag she came in with? Funny, I don’t recognize the gas can, though. She douses the place, then calls Kenzi and tells her to round everyone up and meet at the clubhouse. I’m sad, and not just because she appears to be trying to murder her friends. I’m going to miss this ramshackle apartment with its drafty almost non-existent walls and dumpster chic décor. I’m going to miss it a lot.

The gang walks into Bo’s death trap and it bursts into flames. They’re pinned in as beams fall around them. Outside, Bo watches impassively and Jack walks up, saying she can still save her friends. She says to let them burn instead. So, uh, I think that means they shouldn’t expect a holiday card in the mail this year from her.

Bo and her pops return to the penthouse. He presents her with a terribly uncomfortable looking concrete throne he has had made for her. Bo sits in it regally while ignoring Tamsin’s wails from the other room. Jack puts his mark back on her and asks if she is ready, then Bo’s eyes blaze blue and she says she was “born ready.” Yes, at long last, Bo is the Big Bad we all knew she would someday be. Or, well, she is pretending to be. Only one episode left, guys. Only one episode left.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Unicorns, fart jokes and now Bronies. The writers are pulling out all the stops.

“Bo’s midwife is a Brony?”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

I think I’ll miss you most of all, costume department.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

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