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“Lost Girl” recap (5.14): Somewhere over the rain-Bo

Previously on Lost Girl: Daddy Hades kills Grandpa Trick and Mommy Aife. Daddy Hades raped and impregnated Tamson. Daddy Hades causes Bo to go into catatonic shock. Guess everyone finally figured out Daddy Hades is, you know, evil incarnate.

We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of…whoa, what the fuck is happening? Bo wakes up in gingham and pigtails. So already we know shit is gonna be strange. I mean, you heard me say “pigtails,” right? All around her is a black-and-white world. It looks like her world—that silk-wrapped bedpost and her flouncy flowered robe. But it’s not quite right. Again, you heard me when I said Bo is wearing gingham, right? Freaky.

Hey, remember the last time Bo wore gingham? Yeah, she went home and attended a Cherry Festival. Shudder.

Black-and-white Bo tries to call Lauren, but gets the Hotpants voicemail. Also, the doctor’s voicemail greeting is as professional and brief as you would imagine. I hope she calls Tamsin next to confirm my theory that her greeting is just fart noises and hysterical laughter. But instead she calls Dyson, who doesn’t even have voicemail set up. Yep, that sounds about right, too.

Bo gets into her big gray muscle car and drives to figure out what the hell is going on. But traffic is stopped because, well, everyone is gone. Hold up, are we suddenly watching The Leftovers? Bo/Dorothy declares herself not in Kansas anymore, but she is in a pretty impressive mini-film noir.

Back in the Technicolor world, a shrine to Trick has been erected in Bo’s bedroom. OK, slightly awkward placement, but I’ll allow it on account of Bo currently being in a coma. Lauren, Dyson and a very pregnant Tamsin are all there watching over her.

The team enacts the buddy system—saying no one leaves the house without each other. Didn’t they try that already—and fail? Lauren tells them they need to interact with Bo—voices, touches, smells, sounds could trigger something in her. So everyone but Tamsin promptly leaves Bo to do other things. Man, I love all these guys, but they are terrible at listening to their own potentially life-saving instructions.

Flashback into Bo/Dorothy’s coma brain and she is narrating her own terrible decision to go down a creepy alley. But instead of a terrible monster, she runs into Business Tamsin, who promptly maces her in the face. Bo is confused, and her eyes burn. But Business Tamsin insists she is not Tamsin, but a real estate developer named Thomasina. Hey, did you know the name “Thomasina” is often shortened to “Tamsin” for a nickname? I see what you did there, writers.

Meeting Business Tamsin/Thomasina convinces Bo she is dreaming while standing up. With that Business Tamsin/Thomasina drops yet another horse hint about Bo. We get it, the Pyrippus is coming and stuff.

Speaking of the fiery winged horse of possible doom, Business Tamsin/Thomasina tells Bo/Dorothy that the colony has cleared out because of its arrival. She has stayed behind to take over the abandoned buildings to erect her version of the Trump Towers because opportunistic capitalism is Business Tamsin’s jam, apparently.

Bo says she thought the Pyrippus was meant to represent her father, the Lord of Darkness. But now she is not so sure. So Business Tamsin, after freaking out that this new gingham-wearing arrival is possibly related to the devil, suggests Bo/Dorothy goes to see the Maestro. We hear he is a whiz of a Maestro.

Bo tries to love touch Business Tamsin into going off with her to see the Maestro. But I guess in a black-and-white world, no one can see your love glow. So Business Tamsin smacks Bo upside the head with her purse instead. Yep, there’s the Tam-Tam we know and love.

Coma Bo isn’t doing much back in the real world. But Lauren has been busy trying to find the What To Expect When You’re An Expectant Valkyrie book in the parenting reference section. Since it appears to be out of print/non-existent, she brings Really Pregnant Tamsin folic acid and water instead.

Tamsin doesn’t want to talk about her ridiculously large baby bump, or with Lauren for that matter. But the doctor refuses to leave before giving Tamsin one very clear diagnosis—that she will never be alone in her birthing of this probably unholy child of sexual violence or, as they say in more polite company, “this.”

Deflecting Really Pregnant Tamsin gives way to deflecting Business Tamsin who is trying to lose her tail, otherwise known as Bo. But our plucky heroine won’t give up and questions why Business Tamsin is all alone. If she only had a heart, amirite?

I hate to admit it took me longer than it should have to realize Business Tamsin/Thomasina was the Tin Man. Yes, yes, I know, maybe I should go see the Maestro for some brains. Bo suggests as much for Tin Tamsin, but about her heart break problem and fear of being alone. Now they just need to follow the Red Brick Road, but only “The One” can see it. Good thing we’ve got one of those handy, right Bo?

But now Bo has to see red, which is hard in a black-and-white world, despite the fact that she is all decked out in it. She thinks of red things—apples, cherries, Cyndi Lauper‘s hair—and then she starts to think of something else red. She flashes to the gruesome tableau of Trick and Aife with their throats slit.

Then all of a sudden they’re in a field. And a forked road sprawls out before them. The grey bricks turn red before Bo’s eyes, and then the world springs back to brilliant color. Gosh, is there another show on television right now that makes better use of light, shadow and saturation than Lost Girl? Nope, nope there just isn’t.

Back in the real world, Tamsin gets up from Bo’s bedside suddenly and calls for Lauren. The baby/hell spawn is moving. I can’t tell if this is supposed to be a touching moment or a terrifying moment. I’m going with both.

But there’s no time to plan a baby shower for little Damian because Bo’s monitors start to beep. Lauren reads the blinking screens and announces that if they can’t wake Bo up she’ll starve to death. Uh, how long has she been out? Because this seems a little quick for her to be that weak. What has she skipped, two, three chi-meals at most? She’d be cranky, not near death.

Also cranky is Dyson, who admonished that Little Shit Mark and Vex when they return to the clubhouse. They left to retrieve some of Trick’s books from his lair, hoping they could help with Bo. But Dyson thinks it’s disrespectful, or maybe he is talking about Mark’s new chin pubes.

Newly full-color Bo/Dorothy and Business Tamsin/Thomasina/Tin Man find themselves lost in the woods. Then they hear a noise and a very hairy Sergeant Major Nosyd emerges from the trees.

Bo calls him Dyson, but he thinks she is talking about the vacuum cleaners. I’d like to give the writers a slow-clap for finally incorporating the Dyson vacuum joke we’ve all been waiting for since Season 1. Bravo. Bo soon surmises that Nosyd (Dyson spelled backwards—see, I have some brains after all) is a deserter and this Oz dream’s Cowardly Lion.

Real Dyson is sitting with Bo and going on about how he fails everyone. He says he’ll do anything to help her. But then in dream Oz, Cowardly Dyson says he won’t do that. A vacuum joke and a Meatloaf joke? Well there are only three episodes left, so go for broke guys.

Cowardly Lion says he knows how to find the Maestro, or someone who can find him. Bo deduces that now that she has her lion and tin man, Trick must be the man behind the curtain. But Cowardly Dyson doesn’t want to lead them to him, until Bo uses some reverse wolf-ology on him. Hey, I only have three recaps left too write, too. If I can’t make the jokes now when can I?

Lauren arrives at Bo’s bedside with more bad news about her condition. She has found an unfamiliar toxin in her system. Dyson sniffs it out and they realize it came from a hole in her clothes where she was bitten by something. So Dyson relents and hits Trick’s books.

Turns out, Bo was bitten by a Shtriga moth, which according to Albanian folklore was a witch that fed off the blood of infants as they slept and then fled in the form of a moth. OK, remind me to never read my nieces or nephews any Albanian bedtime stories. This moth feeds off of the pain and suffering of victims of traumatic events, which means it must work for a 24-hour cable news channel.

The only way to cure Bo is to have the moth, in its human form, spit Bo’s blood back into her mouth. Everyone agrees, both on screen and watching at home, that this is super gross. Isn’t there some sort of mystical Raid they could spray instead?

Though, while we’re on the topic of this moth, did it bite Bo at the Penthouse? Because, um, that’s where she went all coma girl. But the gang is looking for it at Bo’s place. Did it fly back with her? Oh, well, just go with it. Some of the series’ best episodes have come when these actors have been allowed to play against type—whether body swapping or reverting to their teenage selves. So I’ll allow it because, well, I’m enjoying myself.

So now, finally, it’s Lauren’s turn. Those keeping score at home know only the Scarecrow is left. In the real world Lauren struggles with an IV bag and rails on about how she graduated summa cum laude but can’t heal a bug bite. Poor thing, this is, after all, her second girlfriend in a coma.

Back in Dreamy Oz, Cowardly Dyson, Tin Tamsin and Dorothy Bo find an elevator in the middle of nowhere and take it up to a penthouse. But instead of the Maestro they find Stoner Lauren. She briefly holds them at gunpoint, which turns out to be just a fruit punch-filled water pistol. And then she rambles on like you’d expect a white girl with dreads to ramble on.

She also goes all Joey Lawrence on the quality of her “medicinal” brownies. I’d like to make Zoie Palmer saying “Whoa!” my new ringtone.

Having been through this two times already, Bo cuts to the heart of the problem. Stonercrow Lauren (called Lola here, for reasons I can’t quite figure out other than it also starts with an L) has too many thoughts, so she uses mystical herb to forget. Bo realizes the “map” is in her head and implores her to think hard. If she only used her brains they’d have their answer.

Real-world Lauren does the same, and comes up with a plan to retrieve the moth’s spit immediately. They’re going to accelerate its transformation, but they’ll need to catch it. So it’s time to walk around in the dark with flashlights.

But first, it’s time for Mark and Vex to have a heart-to-heart about the nature of evil and whether a person can really change and be forgiven for their misdeeds. Poor Vexie, always the Dark Fae, never the hero.

Back in Bo’s coma, it’s Vex’s turn. I’m unclear on whether he is supposed to be the Oz Gatekeeper or a Winged Monkey or some amalgamation of the two. But he most definitely has two faces—one good and one bad with nasty scar and attitude.

They’re now trapped in his room of mirrors and have to solve his riddle to pass. The answer is their reflection—which shows them who they really are: brave, big-hearted, smart and a girl in gingham. With that the glass bursts to reveal a curtain.

Bo gives it a tug (please, not like that, things are just getting good—not like that), and reveals the Dal. She walks up to a hooded figure and it’s…not Trick. It’s Bo. Yes, Bo is the Maestro/Wizard/One.

Wizard Bo tells her something about becoming the master and helping her friends find what they needed. And then she agrees to grant her the one wish she wants the most. Is it a pony? I hope it’s a pony. But, you know, not one that breathes fire.

At the Suck Shack, the team has heard a strange noise in the attic and go to investigate. It’s Kenzi! Oh my God, it’s Kenzi! That’s so much better than a baby’s blood sucking moth. She’s filled with Panic Room quips and other things that make you immediately realize how much the show has suffered in her absence.

Because moths are attracted to the brightest flame in any room, it lights on Kenzi’s shoulder before they can even begin to explain Tamsin’s Damian bump. Now captured, the moth still hasn’t changed form and Lauren becomes impatient and decides to extract the blood from it in insect form instead.

But first they realize it was Papa Hades who lured Kenzi back by sending her a letter about Bo’s condition. I think we need to talk about this more. Because if he wants Kenzi here, Kenzi should probably be nowhere near here. Not that I want her to go; I want the gang all back together forever. But, oh dear, does he have something no good and horrible planned. Look, Kenzi died once already. No tag backs.

Oz Bo returns home and finds Glenda the Good Kenzi looking very Stevie Nicks White Witch chic. They hug; it’s lovely. Click your heels and this is over, right? Nah, because Real Lauren administers the moth blood/spit/grossness and Coma Bo starts to convulse. To be honest, this seems like a perfectly natural response to being force-fed moth blood/spit/grossness.

But what’s really happening is that the moth is transforming inside of her, which means Glenda Kenzi turns into Wicked Witch Kenzi complete with dramatic costume change and death metal attitude adjustment. But for the cure to take hold Bo must accept it/her/the spit. I’m a tad fuzzy on the details.

What I do know is Ksenia Solo is marvelously creepy as the Wicked Witch/Goth Moth. They struggle as Moth Kenzi tells Bo to “accept it.” Real Kenzi—and the rest of the gang—does the same from the other side. But, when you see the black goo oozing out of Moth Kenzi’s mouth, you kind of understand why she’d be hesitant.

Things go from incredibly gross to incredibly hot in a split-second when Bo finally relents and accepts her cure. Any cure that involves Ksenia and Anna Silk making out on the floor is OK by me. Please, continue, for health reasons.

With a flash of light, the Goth Moth is gone and White Witch is back. And so is Bo’s pony. I knew she wished for a pony, I knew it. Glenda the Good Kenzi explains that the Pyrippus isn’t necessarily bad. She tells Bo she possesses the key/horseshoe and can reign in its powers.

But Bo says she can’t without Trick. She needs the answers to how to fight Hades. Glenda the Good Kenzi promises “the answers will come,” but if she doesn’t accept it “all will perish.” Well, that’s a pretty heady guilt trip you are laying on her, Glenda Kenz.

So Bo wakes up and sees everyone from her coma dream—and you, and you, and you, and you were there. But it wasn’t a dream, it was a place—and that place was grief. This whole journey, besides being wildly entertaining, was about Bo accepting the loss of Trick.

Though, not to be that person, but doesn’t Aife get even a mention in this sadness parade? I know she wasn’t mother of the year, but she was Bo’s mother and she is also just as dead. No? OK, just had to put it out there.

Coma over and cowardly lions and tin men and stoner scarecrows gone, the gang settles in to say goodbye to Trick. You know, I didn’t think I’d feel such a loss for Fitzpatrick McCorrigan. Although he has been an integral part of this group since day one, he has also been secretive and selective in sharing his knowledge. But as they sit together and read his will, dammit, if there wasn’t something in my eye. Shut up, it’s clearly allergies.

And with that each person we care about is giving something they care about from a man who cared deeply for them. For Kenzi, a ring that gives her freedom from claiming. Yo, Trick, couldn’t you have given her that years ago? See, this is that secretive/selective thing I was talking about before. Sorry, I’m ruining this beautiful moment.

For Lauren: his tomes of the occult to find the happy medium between science and magic. For Tamsin: a blanket woven from the stars so she will always have a home. For Vex: a compass to help his path remain true. To Dyson and Mark: the Dal Riata to continue as a place of sanctuary in dark times.

And for his Isabeau: His heart, and a reminder that she is his blood, too. Rise, Blood Queen, rise. Then they all join hands and dammit, those allergies are acting up again.

Then Lost Girl goes from one hard-earned emotional wallop to one completely unexpected emotional sucker punch. Vex heads upstairs to give Tamsin her blanket. But instead of the preggo Valkyrie he finds the Dark Lord himself.

Hades tells Vex what a pity it is he’s no longer on the dark side. And then asks him to deliver a message to his friends. So he slits Vex’s throat and leaves him gurgling on the floor. I was not prepared for how much I did not want Vex to die. But I really, really don’t.

That damn devil is going to kill every single person Bo loves, isn’t he?

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Please, little Kenzinita, never leave us ever again.

“Remind me to make a sack joke once we save Bo.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Just because she is blinded by the mace doesn’t mean I am.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com

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