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“Once Upon a Time” recap (5.03): The Forest of Eternal Manpain

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Team Charming found Merlin in Camelot but he was a tree, Belle was given a rose to track Rumple’s health, and King Arthur and the Dark Swan both sought to reunite Excalibur and the Dark One dagger, Arthur for mysterious reasons, Emma to snuff out the light.

We open in the Storybrooke mines, where for some reason the dwarves are hi-hoing away. I guess jewels are the currency in Storybrooke? Does Granny have a room full of precious gems like Scrooge McDuck has a room full of gold coins? Anyway, Emma poofs into the mine and steals Happy’s axe, saying that if your name is on something, you should really hold onto it. Also, he’s a jerk so she doesn’t even feel bad stealing it from him.

Flashback to Camelot, where the ladies are discussing potions to help them de-greenify Merlin, and when Emma suggests she wave her magic dagger at it, Regina refuses, saying they’ll figure this out together without putting Emma at risk for a dark magic relapse.

Mary Margaret suggests just talking to Merlin, and Regina thanks her for being useful for once in her life and pulls up an image of Toadstool from Super Mario and says that this (also known as the Crimson Crown) can be found in the Forest of Eternal Night. Arthur and David are sent to find it, since they’re down a tracker. (Ruuuuubyyyyyy.)

Present-day Regina finds a medieval post-it on the Crimson Crown page and somehow recognizes it as her own question mark, so they know they’ve found a clue. The dwarves bust into the sheriff’s office, and Regina peaces out, leaving the Charmings to deal with the angry miners. They tell Mary Margaret and David that Emma stole an axe, and that they have to do something about their daughter OR ELSE. After they leave, David has a full-blown hissy fit. He doesn’t know what Emma would want with an axe when she has infinite powers, he doesn’t know how to lead the town, he doesn’t know why speaking in calm tones to Emma hasn’t turned her good again yet. His life is just so hard and he’s sick of it. But before he can drown in his own manpain, Arthur shows up to report his reliquary has been looted and a magic bean has been stolen.

Across town, the Dark Swan tries to use the dwarf axe to cut through the stone that holds Excalibur while RumpleVoice teases her, suggesting trying to kiss it to break the spell. He tells her that she needs a hero. And I genuinely assume he’s talking about Regina.

Flashback Regina gets a speech and a kiss from Robin for encouragement, and Zelena and I roll our eyes. Regina says that Zelena can’t just disappear to Oz with Robin’s baby, but Zelena wants a fresh start with a built-in love machine. She says from where she’s sitting, Regina is still the one who got it all, the sister who has all the toys.

But Regina hasn’t forgotten how to Evil, and promises that if Zelena steps out of line, she’ll understand what it means to be a nightmare dressed like a daydream. Regina then makes her sister mute again, a pretty handy skill she seems to be growing fond of.

Meanwhile, Arthur gives David a new knight outfit and they talk about the round table and how all the chairs are the same except one, which used to belong to Lancelot, before he jousted with Guinevere and got kicked out of Camelot. David tells Arthur that he and Snow White met Lancelot once, but that they heard he died. Arthur takes David to see his reliquary, and they take out the Unquenchable Flame to use in the Forest of Eternal Night, even though Henry’s iPod probably had a flashlight app on it.

The present-day bros inspect the broken into reliquary and see it was not broken into by magic, and even though he doesn’t know who took it, David thinks he knows what the thief would do next.

At Granny’s, Hook and Hood talk about cell phones and sonograms and what it’s like to be beards that no one cares about anymore. Granny gives Hook a bag of food with instructions on it to meet Emma on the Jolly Roger.

On the boat, Emma plays sweet and apologizes for overreacting and she wants to have a meal together like old times. She even changes outfits to get him to trust her.

Present-day Arthur and David go to Belle at Gold’s Shop and ask if someone tried to pawn a magic bean, or anything else that looks Cameloty. I honestly forgot this was a shop and not just a warehouse for plot point artifacts, but either way, no one has been in there for actual business since its existence. David borrows a random old-looking cup and brings it out to the people of Camelot stranded in Storybrooke Forest. He holds it up, calls it the Cup of Vengeance, and says everyone will drink until they find the thief. Arthur’s squire runs for his life, proving his guilt, and David and Arthur chase him. Despite making a slew of terrible choices, they somehow manage to catch him.

Hook and Emma talk on the Jolly Roger, Emma saying she’s different but better, just like how Rumple was a poor unfortunate soul, but then became a badass sparkly monster who found true love. Hook says that of the two men on the ship when Hook pressed THIS HERE SWORD into Rumple’s neck, Hook got better, Rumple got worse.

Hook knows Emma needs something, that she wasn’t calling this meeting genuinely, but Emma just asks him if he loves her. He says loved, past tense, and she poofs away.

In the Forest of Eternal Night, David eventually finds the toadstool and then IMMEDIATELY loses it. Why they keep giving him important things to do is beyond me. Arthur helps him find it and they talk about their feelings and eventually give up and go back to the castle. There, Arthur decides to reward David for doing literally nothing useful and grants him the empty seat at the round table.

In Storybrooke, as they arrest the squire, he swears he never saw a magic bean, but he did steal the rest of the stuff because he was sick of serving Arthur. As they leave camp, they see a toadstool on the ground. David picks it up and brings it to Team Charming HQ. Regina’s like, “Sweet, thanks.”

For some reason, Mary Margaret praises David like a kid who used the toilet instead of his diaper, so David is proud of himself for literally stumbling on an answer.

In Camelot, while David gets awarded his big seat at the round table, Mary Margaret stumbles upon a very not-dead Lancelot, who warns her that Arthur is a terrible villain and Camelot is not what it seems.

Later, Arthur reveals to his wife that he pulled a fast one on David (just kidding, it was slow, just like Charming) and has the toadstool. Gwen is proud of him because she’s just as shiesty as he is.

In Storybrooke, Arthur visits his squire, who was put up to the task of “robbing” the reliquary by the king himself. Arthur says he’s going to let David keep thinking he’s a hero. He wants to build a new Camelot right here in this new world, but to do so, the squire needs to die, lest they use magic to get the truth from him. The squire doesn’t love the idea, but does it anyway, for his king.

Belle goes to Granny’s for a sammich, but can’t stay because her rose is almost out of petals.

But as she runs out the door, Granny points out that something weird is happening, and they all watch as the rose rebuilds itself to full health. Belle runs back to the shop, but Gold is gone.

Emma has Gold in her lair, along with the sword she tricked Hook into telling her touched Rumple before he became the Dark One-which is exactly what she needed to cure Gold.

Emma heals him, he wakes up, and then she tells him that since he’s now neither dark nor light, she can shape him into the hero she needs. Even though we all know which hero she’s holding out for til the end of the night.

What did you think of “Siege Perilous”? Way too much testosterone, amiright?

Counting down the days until this, tbh:

As usual, you guys make even a bad episode hilarious. Here are our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week:

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