“Once Upon a Time” recap (5.03): The Forest of Eternal Manpain

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Previously on Once Upon A Time, Team Charming found Merlin in Camelot but he was a tree, Belle was given a rose to track Rumple’s health, and King Arthur and the Dark Swan both sought to reunite Excalibur and the Dark One dagger, Arthur for mysterious reasons, Emma to snuff out the light.

We open in the Storybrooke mines, where for some reason the dwarves are hi-hoing away. I guess jewels are the currency in Storybrooke? Does Granny have a room full of precious gems like Scrooge McDuck has a room full of gold coins? Anyway, Emma poofs into the mine and steals Happy’s axe, saying that if your name is on something, you should really hold onto it. Also, he’s a jerk so she doesn’t even feel bad stealing it from him.

Flashback to Camelot, where the ladies are discussing potions to help them de-greenify Merlin, and when Emma suggests she wave her magic dagger at it, Regina refuses, saying they’ll figure this out together without putting Emma at risk for a dark magic relapse.

OUAT 503-1Bet I’m less likely to relapse saving Merlin than Robin.

Mary Margaret suggests just talking to Merlin, and Regina thanks her for being useful for once in her life and pulls up an image of Toadstool from Super Mario and says that this (also known as the Crimson Crown) can be found in the Forest of Eternal Night. Arthur and David are sent to find it, since they’re down a tracker. (Ruuuuubyyyyyy.)

Present-day Regina finds a medieval post-it on the Crimson Crown page and somehow recognizes it as her own question mark, so they know they’ve found a clue. The dwarves bust into the sheriff’s office, and Regina peaces out, leaving the Charmings to deal with the angry miners. They tell Mary Margaret and David that Emma stole an axe, and that they have to do something about their daughter OR ELSE. After they leave, David has a full-blown hissy fit. He doesn’t know what Emma would want with an axe when she has infinite powers, he doesn’t know how to lead the town, he doesn’t know why speaking in calm tones to Emma hasn’t turned her good again yet. His life is just so hard and he’s sick of it. But before he can drown in his own manpain, Arthur shows up to report his reliquary has been looted and a magic bean has been stolen.

Across town, the Dark Swan tries to use the dwarf axe to cut through the stone that holds Excalibur while RumpleVoice teases her, suggesting trying to kiss it to break the spell. He tells her that she needs a hero. And I genuinely assume he’s talking about Regina.

OUAT 503-2I don’t know how to get Regina to come over…HAHA JK BRB

Flashback Regina gets a speech and a kiss from Robin for encouragement, and Zelena and I roll our eyes. Regina says that Zelena can’t just disappear to Oz with Robin’s baby, but Zelena wants a fresh start with a built-in love machine. She says from where she’s sitting, Regina is still the one who got it all, the sister who has all the toys.

OUAT 503-3And better hair.

But Regina hasn’t forgotten how to Evil, and promises that if Zelena steps out of line, she’ll understand what it means to be a nightmare dressed like a daydream. Regina then makes her sister mute again, a pretty handy skill she seems to be growing fond of.