Previously on Lost Girl: Lauren is a human again—yes, just like that. Bo and Lauren broke up —yes, again. Bo had rebound sex with Tamsin—yes, or did she?
So Bo is feeling pretty cheated by the gods for getting a horseshoe as her weapon. What can she do with that? Tamsin helpfully suggests alternate uses as brass knuckles or a back scratcher or a boomerang. But it doesn’t work well as any of those things—that is unless you like cheese doodles.
Bo doesn’t even know what it is for, but Tamsin is like, duh, to use against Jack a.k.a. Hades a.k.a. the devil a.k.a. dad. Being a resourceful gal, Tam-Tam has also brought reinforcements. She had swiped the dagger Zeus offered to use to cut Hades’ handprint off of Bo earlier. Remember when we all thought Big Z was the problem? Those were such innocent days.
But Bo is still reluctant to cut—see what I did there?—ties with dear old dad. Tamsin makes a cutting—again, I just can’t help myself—remark about Bo calling her “emotionally unstable ex even after we…” Hey, about that—maybe you two should talk about that, eh?
Bo blows it off, or doesn’t hear, or doesn’t understand the subtle jab. Instead, she jabbers on about family. When did this show become All in the Family? I thought it was always about living the life you choose. Tamsin reminds her of this point, about family being the people who have been there for you all along.
But seriously, Bo. Why cling to outmoded ideas of what makes a family—especially if those outmoded ideas are living in a barbwire-protected institution at the moment. At said institution, a nurse is giving a newbie the rules of doling out meds to a specific patient. Don’t talk to her, don’t look at her, don’t touch her. The newbie does all three because that’s what newbies do. But then, I guess he doesn’t know Aife like we know Aife.
Inga Cadranel sure gives good crazy eyes, doesn’t she? So next she is busting out of the loony bin, which we all know is going to lead to an even more loony family reunion at some point. See, Bo? Be careful what you wish for.
Instead Bo takes another familial tack and confronts Trick about his continuing World’s Most Secretive Grandpa status. He has recently revealed that her mother Aife is both a) alive and b) an escapee. Bo is understandably pissed. Here’s a thought, if you’re trying to help her let’s start by trusting her with the truth.
Look, I know—or hope—that Trick continues to keep information from Bo because he thinks he is “protecting” her. But in case you haven’t noticed, that hasn’t actually worked out so well, so let’s not be stingy with the facts, buddy. You might still get that “No. 1 Grandpappy” mug after all, with a little full disclosure. No time like the present, right? Ugh, why does no one learn from their past mistakes on this show.
Speaking of past mistakes, poor Tamsin is trying to wash that girl right out of her hair. But instead her hair washes right out—in a huge clump. And this, as we know from Valkyrie lore (or what is left of it after that trip to Valkyrie High), this is a bad thing.
Bo is now also reading Dyson the riot act about not telling her about her mom’s institutionalization (Kenzi knew too, apparently—but sadly she isn’t around to get any rioting directed at her). He admits they made the wrong call but, once again, they were all trying to protect her.
If I’ve learned anything from five seasons of watching this show it is that 1) big, seemingly impossible Fae rituals will inevitably turn out to be lame and, 2) keeping big, seemingly painful things from Bo to protect her will inevitably backfire. Oh, and 3) getting Lauren and Bo back together will inevitably lead to yet another big, painful breakup.
At the asylum Bo asks to interview Aife’s roommate. The nurse says she can try, but Estelle hasn’t talked in 300 years since shutting down to survive after her entire family was murdered. Did it just get dark out? Must have been the foreshadowing.
Bo gives Estelle a little love touch and she starts talking—about Bo’s childhood photos on the wall, about Aife doing well, about the sudden change that caused her to do worse. But then Estelle fades, so Bo has to juice her again. But this time it was a tad bit too much. Hey, you gotta give the lady credit—you’re never too old for a little sugar.
Next Lauren calls with the totally unsurprising news that Jack has escaped. How is this shocking to anyone? You all knew he could come and go whenever he pleased. So can we fast forward this part and get to the sending him back to hell part, please?
But first, and this is crucial, we must talk about why Bo’s dad thinks she had a five-head. I mean, I know he is the devil, but that’s just evil.
Bo goes to Zeus’ former penthouse to yell at her dad for that sketch. But she stumbled in on that family reunion everyone knew was coming instead. Aife greets her first, with something inappropriately flirty. Bo implores her to leave, but mother says it’s time for dinner.
Aife says now they’re all one big happy family. But Bo keeps bringing her down with words like “torture” and “cage.” So Daddy Darkness and Mommy Craziest spin their side of the story: How Trick sent her to the dark dungeons, how Jack saved her, how Trick had her institutionalized, how Jack saved her. Stop me if you notice a theme.
At the clinic, Lauren and Tamsin are passing some totally not awkward time together. Lauren is feeling foolish and all-too human. Tamsin is feeling uncomfortable and all-too mortal. Lauren notices the mortal part, too, or more specifically, the falling locks of hair from her head. Tamsin tells her it’s nothing, just a sign that she is dying. No biggie, just impending death. Lauren being Lauren, she immediately goes into Doctor Hotpants mode and starts to science the problem.
The series of questions that follow don’t help the one-sided awkwardness. In the last 24 hours has Tamsin: Eaten anything unusual? Touched any creams? Done anyone sexually? Tamsin can’t leave this line of inquiry fast enough, but the doc won’t be dissuaded and joins her at the bar to continue going over symptoms. Poor Tam-Tam, is there something opposite of an apple you could eat to keep the doctor away?
Back at the family dinner, Bo is acting like a sulky teenager and refusing to eat her sea urchin. Ugh, dad, why can’t we have tater tots like a normal family. But then Jack brings in the main course—Christian and Victoria. Bo insists she isn’t hungry, so Aife helps herself instead. Wow, am I glad Bo did not learn her table manners from her mom.
Then Hades makes another horse allusion to Bo, in case the horseshoe “weapon” connection wasn’t quite clear enough yet. He also asks Bo if he has ever lied to her. Bo isn’t sure. People, can we all please just stop trusting the devil? Like if there’s one person in the entire world to not trust, that person would be the ruler of the underworld. Instead this unholy parental tag-team casts dispersions on Trick. Which, granted, is fair—he has lied and hidden the truth from Bo repeatedly. But just because grandpa hasn’t always been honest doesn’t mean mom and dad are necessarily total truth tellers.
Jack lets out a sigh and says, “It’s time we told her the truth.” You know what time it is? It’s time Bo figured out what’s true on her own instead of listening to a string of people claim to know her destiny. Trick. Rainer. Hades. Girl, live the life you choose—remember?
Instead, Aife spins her tale of how her father Trick wrote a truce in his blood between the Light and Dark, but she refused to choose. That part we knew. When Aife killed a Dark Fae elder, Trick handed her over to the Dark to maintain the peace—and she was imprisoned, tortured and went mad. That part we also knew. But then she claims Jack saved her and Bo was born in hell out of their love. That part is new—and highly unlikely.
Jack says it is time for them to rise together as one big hellfire family. Perhaps, he says, all this time she has chosen the wrong side of the family. Well, at least Bo has the good sense to get up and stomp off at this point.
Bo stumbles away, back to her car and is about to indulge herself with a good cry on the steering wheel. But then Aife pops into the passenger seat and asks the most pressing question in all of Lost Girl history: What are you doing? But, seriously, Bo—did you think Hades was good? Aife calls Bo out for being way off her game and says they’re going to send him back to hell. Finally, some good parenting.
At the Suck Shack, Aife is raiding Bo’s closet. She’s not a regular mom; she’s a cool mom. She tells Bo everything she said was true, and that she loved Jack. But she thought deep down there was good in him—but she was wrong. Man, no one seems to be grasping this whole “I am darkness” thing.
Bo calls Dyson for help, because this show won’t be content until it strings every fandom along one last time. They ask what her plan is to get Hades, and Aife says Bo should know because it was her plan. It was the plan they made up when “Bo” came to visit her in the asylum. Evil takes many forms, but so far, all of those forms look like Bo.
This news sends Aife into another tailspin and she tries to stab Bo. You know, normal mother-daughter stuff.
At the Dal, two blondes are silently sipping beer together. One blonde says to the other blonde, “Hey, did I cross the line turning myself into something I’m not to be with a girl forever?” And the other blonde says, “No, I totally get it—I made a terrible deal to live a little longer.”
And then the second blonde adds, “Oh, also I slept with that girl you just broke up with.” And then the first blonde says, “That’s OK, even though I changed my entire physiology to be with her, I then broke up with her so I have no right to tell her what to do.” And then they both keep drinking beer.
Bo goes to confront Trick, and tells him he is not a good father. He agrees—and probably should have added he isn’t so hot at being a grandfather either. Bo tells him she doesn’t know who to believe anymore. Trick tells her to think. Hades used Aife to create what he wanted: her.
So finally, after five damn seasons, Trick hands over a box with all his files on Aife and says it’s time nothing is kept from her anymore. She must draw her own conclusions and own truths. And then he apologizes. Families, man, they’re never easy.
At the Suck Shack Bo starts watching Aife’s tapes from the institution. Lauren and Tamsin arrive and they all see a crazed Aife rant about how she should have killed the “evil” Bo. And then they watch her visitor logs, which include Trick and also Bo—or something that looks like Bo. She realizes Jacks was escaping to impersonate her.
Tamsin realizes it, too. She asks, shakily, if the other night they were really together—the night Lauren and her broke up. But they weren’t. OK, so that is beyond fucked up. Wow, show. There’s dark and then there’s Bo’s-dad-raped-Tamsin dark. Please allow me to express my feelings on this storyline by vomiting in solidarity into a trashcan with poor Tamsin.
Tamsin vows to rip him into millions of pieces and feed him to dogs. Well, now, that’s just mean to dogs. The Faevengers arrive at the penthouse to take on Jack. Guys, you know I love you, but what exactly is your plan? Oh, just hit him a bunch of times in the face with your fists? Then stab him once with that dagger? And finally wolf out in his general direction?
Yeah, guys, I think your plan needs work. Because Jack just stabs Dyson back and then taunts Tamsin. At least he also helpfully explains to Bo he can impersonate blood relations only.
They retreat to tend to their wounds and bruised egos. Bo decides to get proactive and uses the dagger to cut off Papa Hades’ mark once and for all. Back at the Penthouse his hand glows blue, then goes out and he utters a simple, “Ouch.” Well that showed him!
Afterward Bo uses Dyson to feed, despite Lauren’s protestations and general presence. These writers just love to poke the fandom hornet’s nest with a stick, don’t they? Bo tells everyone to stay together and not go anywhere alone—which is probably the smartest plan anyone on this show has had in a while—and then runs off on her own. Never mind, scratch that last part.
While she goes to see Trick, Trick has gone to see Aife to set her free from the institution. He apologizes for failing her, she thanks him for saving Bo. They hug it out and then all hell breaks loose—or at least arrives at the door.
Bo can’t find Trick or Aife, so heads to the penthouse where she finds both in a grotesque living—or, more accurately, dying—portrait. Their throats have been slit, courtesy Daddy Darkness, of course. But Trick is still clinging to life, so Bo pulls him from the gory tableau.
Bo blames herself and tries to leave to get help, but Trick implores her to stay with her. Um, maybe Fae vocal chords work differently, but if you slit someone’s throat they most definitely cannot talk. Nor can they remind someone with their last dying breath that they are their blood, too. Not to take away from the sadness of this moment and all, but does that mean Bo can also write history with her blood? The Blood King is dead, long live the Blood Queen!
At the lab Lauren tells Tamsin there’s one more test she wants to run. Yep, you guessed it, it’s an ultrasound. Rape and now unwanted, probably demonic, pregnancy? Perfect. These are exactly the kind of high notes I was hoping this show would end on.
Dyson limps into the penthouse—so much for the no one goes anywhere alone rule—to find Bo sitting over the bodies of Trick and Aife. He tells her they have to go, but she doesn’t respond. Like poor Estelle before her, she is completely shutdown.
KENZISM OF THE WEEK:
No Kenzi, no Kenzism. Dammit, show, you’re running out of episodes to bring her back.
BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:
Bless you, Estelle, in all your boobie-grabbing glory.
More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.
