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“Lost Girl” recap (5.12): But, seriously, what the Fae-k was that?

Previously on Lost Girl: We go back to Valkyrie High. Sarah Connor is back from the past. Tamsin is back in the friendzone.

Repeat after me: Cleanliness is next to godliness. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Cleanliness is…hot. Really, really hot. So, Bo is getting clean in the shower with Lauren. I’m sorry, did I say clean? I meant diiiirrty. Like blues eyes blazing in the rain showerhead diiiirrty.

Our two lovebirds and cleaning enthusiasts kiss, and then kiss some more. Then they exchange chi. But it’s Lauren who ends up dominate, taking chi from a still somewhat bewildered Bo. Yes, Bo, this is really happening. I know because I rewound the scene about two to 27 times. But who is counting?

Afterward, Lauren is starving. Chi sucking is apparently the munchies-creating equivalent of smoking a bowl. Lauren asks Bo if she wants pizza, and the answer to that question is always yes. I mean, is that even a question. Bo agrees, but tells Lauren she called for pizza half an hour ago already. Doesn’t she remember?

Lauren says of course she does. She was just kidding. This is just her wacky sense of humor. Wacky! Humor! I totally understand because I always pretend I can’t find my phone but then, surprise, I’m sitting on it. I’m hilarious; you wish you knew me.

But Bo has concerns. What happens if Lauren holds on for too long to someone Fae? What is this TGIF? What to do you mean “we?” Lauren lets slip she worked with Jack/Daddy Darkness to figure out the stem cell equation.

Bo is not happy Lauren partook in this paternal assist, because as we all know the devil is up to no good. But Lauren just wants her girlfriend to be happy for her because this is a step in the “forever” direction. And Lauren says it feels like she doesn’t trust her. But Bo gets saved from answering that question by the pizza. See, I told you, pizza fixes everything.

Speaking of not trusting Hades, the woman he pretended to disappear off the face of the Earth strides up to some otherworldly blacksmith. She hands him his shield and says something about not failing her. On the way out, she runs into one of her vessel’s old co-workers. I just hate that when that happens. So she snaps her neck.

At the gym sweet home, Dyson is playing house with Alicia. They’re sharing a nice, quiet breakfast of cereal and coffee on his cheap folding table. Like, someone introduce the wolf to an IKEA catalog. Work calls and he has to dash, but then they share an unexpected goodbye kiss. They both feel awkward about this, but I say if a woman is willing to live in a stinky boxing gym—it’s probably a sign she likes you.

The work emergency was surveillance video of Zeus snapping the poor woman’s neck. So, now everyone knows Zeus hasn’t been banished. Raise your hand if you’re surprised? Oh, only you, Bo? Yeah, perhaps we should explain the whole your dad is the whole embodiment of darkness thing again?

The team zeroes in on the courthouse, which is where all of this ancients mumbo jumbo started in the first place. Tamsin also probably needs to get laid, because now she is jealous of inanimate objects “sitting on something big.”

At the lab, Lauren forgets she has already been handed the lab results for a mysterious “Patient X.” And when she looks at them they show early signs of Parkinson’s and rapid cognitive decline. Oh, you mean cognitive decline like forgetting about pizza you already ordered and results you already have in your hand? Oh, dear. I knew this whole conduit thing was going to come with side effects.

Bo arrives at the lab and Lauren thinks she is there to talk again. Lauren stops her preemptively because she isn’t in the mood to process. Hey, it happens. Gay ladies can be exhausting. Bo says she is there to question Jack, which makes Lauren even more annoyed.

So instead of making the situation better Bo makes it worse by asking how Lauren can be so smart and so dumb all at once. While she stops short of saying “dumb,” the damage is done. Though, to be fair, Bo did say she loved Lauren right before. So can you two just kiss and make up again, please? Preferably in the shower.

Bo goes to talk with her dad who is filled with easy excuses for his out-right lies. Hey, everyone, how about we stop trusting the devil, eh? A crash in the next room interrupts their conversation and Bo goes out to find…Zeus? Well it looks like Zeus, and it sounds like Zeus, but it’s acting like a scared little kitten. So maybe it’s actually Elizabeth, the body she inhabited.

Look, I’m not ashamed to say I’m really confused right now. I thought the bodies they inhabited all died. And their deaths were how, in essence, they could use them as vessels. Otherwise, what’s the point of the elevator crash? Why not just jump into somebody right off the street?

Anyway, Dyson is sure this isn’t just another trick because Elizabeth smells 100 percent human. They ask her what she remembers from having her body hijacked—again, wasn’t her human form supposed to be dead? She remembers the visit to the blacksmith, who Trick identifies as Hephaestus. According to the books, he is also not much of a looker.

Bo wants to go see him immediately, but because this is Lost Girl there has to be some sort of crazy mythological test she has to complete first. This one involves going before one of the Erinyes, or ancient minister justice or something. Elizabeth recognized the name Megaera, because here she is Judge Megaera. I recognize the actress who plays Judge Magaera, because she was one of the teachers in Lost and Delirious. Yep, all roads truly do lead back to lesbianism.

Bo and Tamsin go to court undercover, which means we get to see them in sleek business attire. Next I’d like the team to go undercover at a water park. What? There aren’t that many episodes left. It never hurts to ask, OK?

On the way there Bo calls Lauren to kickstart their processing again. She then realizes this was probably terribly rude considering that only like six episodes ago Tamsin declared her love to her and stuff. But Tam-Tam reassures her that it’s all good because they’re now just friends without benefits.

When they arrive the judge (played by Mimi Kuzyk—who also appeared in an episode of The L Word, so all roads really do lead to gay ladyhood) tells Bo she must pass a test. Well, if this is anything like The Dawning, it should be an absolute breeze. Just suck everyone’s chi again and get it over with already.

Instead a pretty normal-looking courtroom awaits her. She is a lawyer representing a tech company against an app developer. This sounds like more of a job for Tim Cook than Bo Dennis, especially considering if she loses she gets sent to “Myth,” aka limbo.

While Bo is figuring out legalese, Dyson is figuring out heartache. Like why does his heart ache for Alicia, when he already gave his love to Bo. I don’t know, buddy, but I say follow your heart. Trick tells him basically the same, and suddenly I like Trick more. So the wolf does just that. May they lead a long and happy life together.

Back on Bo’s high-tech intellectual property case, she is assured by Elizabeth that the law is the law and they will win no problem. But Bo won’t lay down the final legal blow. Instead she gets both sides to talk about their feelings. So afterward the judges says something about her inner justice. And then Bo realizes she is helping people in the wrong way, I think. Anyway, this big kumbaya moment makes her come to the realization that she should be supporting Lauren to protect her.

This revelation finally grants her access to Hephaestus, that cow. And by “cow,” I mean rippling hunk of man meat. Hey, I’m a lesbian, not blind. Bo wants to know about Z and man cow says to ask her herself. So she turns to find…Lauren?

And for the second time, I’m going to admit to absolute confusion. So if the ancients can just body hop at will why haven’t they been doing it this whole time? And what did Z getting a new weapon from man cow have to do with her hijacking Lauren?

Z says Lauren’s new conduit capabilities make her the perfect new vessel. And then she says some awful things about Lauren struggling to hold on. She then decides to fetch Hera, too. And, boy, is he in a cranky mood. And the tradition of bad things happening to Lauren’s assistants continues. Just don’t ask me how turning open the top to the icy well waters tap wakes him from the coma. I only write what happens, I can’t explain it.

Zeus actually picked Lauren so Bo would listen. She warns Bo that Hades is bad news and will infiltrate her life. You know, that whole evil thing. Then Z collapses, or maybe it’s Lauren. At this point I have no idea. No, wait, it’s still Zeus—I think. She says something about man cow using her shield to forge a weapon for her.

Hera arrives, still pretty peeved about the whole Zeus zapping him and all. Tamsin busts in, offering herself as a vessel instead of the ever-weakening Lauren. Then Elizabeth runs in and says she should do it instead. So Zeus ends up leaving Lauren and going back into her old body.

Hera threatens Bo. Bo threatens back. Hera threatens some more. But Z decides it’s time for them to Myth-out, instead. So she turns the well wheel, which this time I guess sends them to limbo? Damn, what other magical things can turning this wheel achieve? World peace? Calorie-free chocolate cake? Unlimited puppies for snuggling.

Z leaves with one final warning, to not let her power go to her head. And then she reminds her of the Spider-man credo just in case that previous warning wasn’t obvious enough. She also tells her Hades’ evil comes in many forms. Together Zeus and Hera turn the water wheel, and they’re gone just like that. Those were your ancients, folks. Were they good, were they bad? Or were they just a lot of sound and fury, signifying nothing?

Elizabeth and Kevin wake up—again, somehow not dead—and Bo finds a horseshoe as her “weapon.” So, guess that crazy fire-breathing winged horse thingie really is coming into play at some point. But Kevin’s not dead status poses a wrinkle for Dyson, who just wrinkled the sheets with his wife.

But because misery loves company, Bo and Lauren finally do really have that talk. You know the one, the talk that always comes shortly after they get together. The one about how they can’t be together, despite making each other deliriously happy, because of something—a spy-bang, an ex-girlfriend in a coma, a break caused by Fae-fatigue. You name the lame excuse, the show has used it to keep these two apart.

And, here we go again. Bo has brought them takeout pho. She tells Lauren that, finally, she supports her fully in her quest to become Fae. But it’s too late, because Lauren has already taken the antidote. So, wait, Lauren used her magical vagina on herself? Pic or it didn’t happen.

Lauren says she was so obsessed with Doccubus that she lost herself. Hey, it happens. Sometimes I start watching Doccubus fanvids and emerge groggy and hungry 12 hours later. So Lauren did all of this for them, so Bo would never have to see her turn old and gray and lose her mind. So they could make forever really be forever.

So, one last time, I’m terribly confused. Because Bo says none of that matters, she will love Lauren as long as her shorter life allows. Lauren says she knows she will, but she can’t do that to her. Bo rightly tells her that is her decision to make, that all she wants is her. But Lauren insists their relationship is getting in the way of her being a healer and Bo being a protector. So she just can’t do it.

Then Bo speaks, begs, for all Doccubus fans everywhere and says, “Don’t do this, Lauren. Not again.” But Lauren just says she is sorry, and kisses her, and leaves.

Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

I understand, happily-ever-afters are considered bad for dramas. Content couples generally don’t make good storylines. Unrequited love makes the TV world go round. But, come on, writers. How much punishment can we take? I guess we have only ourselves to blame. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice thrice whatever time this is, shame on me. What a shame, indeed.

A furious Bo goes to her deadly old dad in a rage about the breakup and all those missed birthday gifts. She blames him for masterminding the whole thing. He offers to hug away her boo-boos.

Which sort of works, because next thing we know he’s spouting horse metaphors about leading her to water but not forcing her to drink. Ugh, Bo, I know you are sad. But taking homey parental advice from the devil is a true low point in your critical thinking skills. At least she tells him she “never will” do what he wants. But, ah, that devil and all those mysterious ways he works.

At the Dal, Bo shows her horseshoe to Dyson and Trick. It is made of adamantine and gold, which will probably be important in the future but right now just sounds like a really tacky piece of jewelry.

Despite the luck and protection it is supposed to bring, Bo ends up commiserating with Dyson about their joint unlucky in love status. Look, I’m not a Dyson hater. But I’ve always liked these two better as friends. It makes sense, the two warriors who fight side-by-side and have each other’s backs. Loyal to the end, just not that way. At least, I hope the writers see it that way, too.

So while I was worrying this whole DyBo thing might be happening again, I’ll admit I got totally blindsided by what happened next. Bo is back home, wallowing in her broken heart while watching nature programs about chameleon lizards. Tamsin comes in and correctly tells her she is wallowing wrong. She suggests pizza instead, but that brings on the waterworks. That was their last meal together as a couple, sniffle.

Tamsin tells her Bo can do whatever she needs—cry, scream, wallow in nature prigrams—to feel better. But our Bo-Bo has a better idea. She sits up and plants one on Tamsin. Sweet merciful Valkubus, I did not see that coming. Granted, I should have. Bo is a Succubus and uses sex to heal herself. But to use, Tamsin? That’s just cruel.

Tamsin pulls back gently, saying that also works—but maybe not with her. She reminds Bo, just as gently, that they’re friends—without benefits. Bo realizes she has gone too far and apologizes, then excuses herself to go to bed.

But as she gets up to leave, Tamsin stops her. And then this look, this strange dark look, comes over Bo’s face. She turns back, looking like Bo again, and Tamsin says out loud, “I’m going to regret this later.” Oh, sweetie, yes you are. Bo saunters over, and they start going at it. Like, rip off those buttons; push you against a wall going at it.

I won’t lie; it’s hot. Until, that is, it’s not. Like really, exceptional, completely not. Because instead of seeing Bo kiss Tamsin, her face morphs into her father. Bo is her dad kissing Tamsin. MY EYES, DEAR GOD, MY EYES.

Dude, I think the writers just pulled a rare hat-trick of angering three different fandoms in one episode. Please allow me to begin the sarcastic slow clap. Join along, you’ll feel better.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

I am going to excuse the total mispronunciation of pho because of the very punny dad joke.

“I got us pho, to help you pho-get about spending an entire day in that psychopath’s head.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Poor Tam-Tam, one look at those puppies and she was a goner.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

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