“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 6.04 “Leaving Los Angeles”

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Tina goes back to discussing the birth mother. And Alice goes back to congratulating Tasha for taking part in “gossip” and staying involved in the conversations. Tasha smiles weakly. Why don’t you just pat her on the head, Alice?

Kit slides into the chair that was first occupied by Tom and then temporarily taken by Bette. See? She was waiting in the wings. If only this really were a game of musical chairs: then we’d at least get a good pratfall once in a while.

Kit: Tina, why is Kelly Fremont here?

Kit reveals that Kelly was a “vixen” in college. Tina insists that nothing happened between Bette and Kelly, “not even first base.”

Kit: Excuse me. My sister almost killed herself over that b-i-t-c-h.

Yes, she actually spells it out. Oh, K-i-t.

Before Tina can process this juicy little tidbit (get it? juicy!), they are all distracted by the sudden presence of Dylan over by the bar.

Alice: What the f—?

That really is the refrain for this season, isn’t it? They agree that Dylan is insane for thinking she can woo Helena. Well, they don’t use the word “woo,” but I’m trying to spice things up here.

Turns out Dylan is crazy smart:

Kit: [sliding into that chair again] Tina, she has a meeting with you.

Tina: No, actually, I have a meeting with a film … maker.

They all shake their heads as they realize what’s going on. I can’t believe Kit doesn’t say “Girl!”

Tina: She set me up! That is so sly.

So Tina saunters up to the bar to meet Dylan the filmmaker. Wow, what a view! That dress is definitely working for you, Tina. Who’s so sly now? Well, actually, I don’t think “sly” is ever the right adjective for a badonkadonk, but yours is definitely somewhere on the continuum of foxy.

A Sheraton at the edge of Hell — Max and Tom are attending a Lamaze class. Doesn’t that seem like asking for trouble? I think I’d rent a DVD instead.

It’s sort of like that “taint” scene in Baby Mama — they talk about lubing up the perineum and everything — but it’s not even one sixty-fourth as funny. It gets downright tragic when the instructor gives Tom and Max some personal attention.

Instructor: [to Tom] Spread her legs apart. Sorry, um … spread the legs.

Somehow Max finds the fortitude to wink at Tom and touch his hand, which is sweet.

But then the instructor whips out a pelvic model in order to demonstrate massage techniques, and Tom blanches. Aww, don’t let the big plastic vagina scare you, Tom! Actually, it’s scaring me, too.

It’s not half as scary as this story line as a whole, though. I want it to go away. Bring back Max’s cute girlfriend Grace and let him have a job and a life and a little self-respect. Or just kill him off already; it would be more humane.

Reunited — Back at the Planet, Bette and Kelly are catching up over dinner. They talk about Liz Craft, an artist who just happened to be in the Provocations show. It seems Kelly has always loved contemporary art, “going back to Yale, when [Bette] T.A.’ed for Scully’s class.”

Hmm. I just imagined Bette as a teaching assistant for Dana Scully. But, yeah, the art thing:

Kelly: You gave me that, Bette. You did. It was a gift.

Which, exactly? Your appreciation for beautiful art, or your appreciation for beautiful women? Actually, you don’t have to choose: they’re both sitting right across from you.

That’s even prettier if you squint to make the gargantuan flowers go away. See what GMOs hath wrought? Flowers that swallow up necks!

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