We open up with the drama from last time: Willa almost got raped. Remember how she told some guy who she met at a bar that she is bisexual? He pushed her into his car and beat her up. She says he tried to force himself on her, but it didn’t work so he beat her up instead.
She goes to the hospital, which is where this show spends most of its time these days.
Meanwhile, David randomly decides that he still wants to marry Jade, even after she called it off like 100 times.
His mom thinks he is crazy, but he explains to her a whole bunch of completely ridiculous reasons why it’s a good idea like, “The Tachingo family is tarnished, but they still have money!”
Meanwhile, Althea and Jade cry about their failed relationship: “I miss you.” “Are we okay?” “What happened?” BLAH BLAH BLAH-all of that garbage post-breakup regret talk. Seriously, you guys, I’m SO OVER YOU.
Amanda and Oscar sit up late bonding-on separate sides of the bed-over how much their kids totally suck!
Then, out of nowhere, Oscar basically dies! He rolls off the bed and Amanda screams. Soon, we are back at the hospital!
The whole family is wearing full scrubs and hospital hats because, WHO KNOWS WHY?! Can you get an infectious disease from a pure, homophobic hater like Oscar? Probably. And they are all like, “OMG I’m so worried-is Oscar dead?” And I’m like, “WHY are you worried? He totally sucked.” Meanwhile they all still have perfect makeup on, despite the circumstances. Has anyone ever seen an episode of this show when someone didn’t almost die?
Althea, meanwhile, goes with the cops to fetch her son, Miggy, from her evil ex-husband’s house. Althea just became interested in her son after, like, 12 years of forgetting that he exists. When she arrives, Tommy is “gone” and has “abducted Miggy.” Neither of these are true-they are both on the roof looking down and laughing. The cops can’t figure out that they are on the roof! What a conundrum.
Because Oscar almost died, Paul decides to finally straighten out his act so his dad won’t officially keel over. That’s right-Paul decides to quit being gay.
It’s a little odd, given that he has been so “I’m gay and you can’t change me!” this whole time.
Paul starts trying to date Jade’s best friend, Sally, because they don’t know anyone else. Meanwhile, Gabriel’s secret affair, Angie, finds out she is pregnant, and Pearl says a bunch of homophobic things that makes Gab hate her even more than usual.
Althea and Jade do their thing of holding hands and being “maybe” together.
Meanwhile, Tommy asks for 20 million units of money from Althea to get her son back. She tells Jade and Jade is like, “Oh, this is perfect-I’ll just marry a man and we will have money to get your son.” And Althea is like, “Crap, why does every problem I have get solved by you marrying a dude?” #lesbianproblems
David and Jade decide to get married so that Jade’s dad won’t die and so Jade can help Althea get her son-because the only way to get him is 20 million (the cops are useless!) Jade looks super happy when they announce the engagement. I mean, after all of these 30+ episodes, we are right back to where we started!
Althea gets her son back, but she isn’t happy. She feels like she sold Jade to a man.
But Jade gets married anyway. She is sad and bored at the wedding, but she plans to spend her wedding night with Althea. David is like, “Yeah, I’ll drop you off there.” Not really sure what David gets out of this marriage.
Jade’s mom is so excited, she’s like, “Thank you so much for marrying a man, Jade!” Her dad is happy, her grandpa is happy, etc. But her grandma, Ama, is freaking out, because she can’t remember anything at all except how much she believes in true love, so they lock her away in her room.
Jade falls asleep and forgets to go to Althea’s house for her wedding night, making Althea scared and jealous. Althea talks to Jade about how she feels-which makes total sense: “Love knows no gender, so what if you fall in love with David just from spending time with him?” Wait, why have you all been saying you are lesbians for 30+ episodes? Jade looks into Althea’s eyes, terrified, because Jade knows its true-she falls in love with anyone who is in the same room.
