“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.13): Trust No Bitch

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Caputo meets with the guards to bring them up to speed: Danny is gone and he’s the new director of human activity/warden. The guards are upset that Caputo has ditched them for the corporate world, and Caputo calls them ungrateful, replaceable pains in his ass. The guards tell him to go fuck himself and walk out on the job. 

Meanwhile, Alex is sweeping up the shed when a new guard shows up: the same guy who shot Fahri in the  face. He’s come to hurt Alex, and she begs for her life. Will Alex survive season three? Probably, as Laura Prepon has already posted pics of herself on set for Season 4. Unless she gets killed and comes back as a ghost?! Stranger things, y’all.

or23Xenu, is that you?

Healy returns to his office and finds some Olive Garden leftovers from his estranged wife Katya, and flowers from Red. At the same time, DEA agents bust into Cesar’s crib and arrest him. Considering the amount of heroin in that apartment, it’s safe to say he’s going away for a long time. We see Daya’s baby get scooped up by a cop and taken to Child Services, as Cesar struggles with the cops.

Speaking of stone cold gangsters (LOL no) Piper is alone in the chapel, giving herself an infinity tattoo on her ribs. Someone is finally embracing their pain.

or24This caprese salad tattoo is gonna be balller

After laying the groundwork all season, we finally see celebrity chef Judy King checking into Litchfield…or at least, trying to. With the guards on strike, there’s no one at the front desk. She bursts into tears as her man comforts her.

Repairmen are fixing the hole in the perimeter fence, leaving a huge chunk of it open. Norma sees this and realizes that no one is guarding the fence, as the guards have all walked out. She starts running in slow motion towards freedom, and the other inmates watch stunned. It’s a Norma miracle!

or25This looks like the opening of the world’s worst Monistat commercial

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