“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.13): Trust No Bitch

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Piper finally puts it together that Stella is the one who stole her panty money. Trust no bitch indeed, Chapman. Trust no bitch, indeed. Stella gives her a mealy mouthed apology, saying that she panicked at the thought of getting released with no family, friends, or money. Everyone in Pantyland sees that Piper got played, which makes her a target. Looks like she’s not so gangsta after all. Stella promises to make it up to her, but Piper is dunzo.

or19I don’t make the rules…when you look like Justin Bieber, you act like Justin Bieber.

It’s Morello’s wedding! Vinny wears a red tie and tux, while Morello rocks a toilet paper veil. CO Bell sobs as they recite their vows, and Lorna recites the lyrics to Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is.” Red and Healy make eyes at each other during the ceremony, and Morello and Vinny kiss. I don’t care that she’s Lorna Muchio now, I’m still calling her Morello. Vinny is disappointed that they don’t get to have a conjugal visit, but Bell lets them fuck against the vending machines because she’s a goddamn romantic.

or20I now pronounce this…a terrible idea!

Red and Healy talk about young love and soul mates, and Healy suggests that when she gets released they could maybe have something. Red shakes her head and tells him that their ships passed too late in the night, and I shake my head and scream at the TV. We flashback to baby Healy, who is banging on church doors praying for someone to help his crazy mother. Just then, a homeless dude who looks like Jesus pukes all over him and passes out on top of him. Sounds about right.

Piper comes to say goodbye to Stella, who thanks her for saving her life. Piper lays a big kiss on her, and watches as the COs show up and search Stella’s bunk for contraband.

or21Sucking Stella’s soul out like a dementor

And they find everything: the blunt, the Jolly Rancher shiv, the chicken wing… even Big Boo’s screw driver dildo. A shocked Stella gets dragged off to Max while Piper smiles and flashes her tattoo. She tells Big Boo to spread the word that she doesn’t fuck around. Damn, maybe Piper is gangster!

or22Is this a tiny gay Liz Feldman sword?

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