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“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.13): Trust No Bitch

Oranginas, it’s the finale recap of Season 3 of Orange is the new Black! Are you excited? I’m excited. Let’s do the damn thing.

We pick up right where we left off, in the middle of movie night. Tucky and Big Boo return from their attempted rape, and realize that they can’t be rapists because they still have some goodness left in them. Yay?

Look, until I see a body, Delphine is still alive!

Poussey runs in and drags Taystee and Suzanne to help her resuscitate Soso. They find the pills on her and decide to care for her themselves, otherwise she’d be sent to psych. They scoop up Soso and carry her out of the library, Weekend at Bernie’s style. FLASHBACK! Like the Mother’s Day episode, the flashbacks here are taken from several different inmates, as opposed to profiling one. Here we see little Soso practicing the piano while her mom yells at her. Mama Soso tells her that achievement is everything, and nothing else matters.

But moooooom, “Heart and Soul” is so cliché!

Healy comes home, all proud of himself for “helping” Soso. His wife is in no mood to share his good day, and tells him she wants her freedom. He agrees to rent an apartment for her and her mother, saying he’s sick of being surrounded by women in captivity. Aw, and I thought those two crazy kids were gonna make it.

Poussey and her crew drag Soso into the showers and try to make her puke. Poussey ends up having to stick her fingers down Soso’s throat, and gets puked on. Despite throwing up, Soso is still whacked out, and Taystee tells them they have to keep her awake by any means necessary.

NOT the kind of fingering I had in mind

Danny and Caputo are psyching themselves up for a meeting with Danny’s dad. Caputo wants to free Sophia from SHU, and encourages Danny to stand up for himself and be a man. Good luck with that one, Caputo. Back at Litchfield, Norma’s followers have dispersed, but Leanne remains faithful. She tells Norma to conjure up another miracle to bring back her flock. It’s gonna take A LOT of eggs.

What if Norma was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus?

Flaca returns to Piper with her tail between her legs. She wants back in the panty business because her mother is sick and needs money. Piper resists at first, but then offers to start her back at a lower rate. Alex says Piper is being manipulated, but Piper doesn’t care what she thinks. She considers herself a benevolent dictator (OF COURSE she does) but she’s too conceited to realize that’s an oxymoron.

Almost angry enough to fuck Piper right now

Meanwhile, Gloria feels guilty over Sophia’s predicament, and Red offers her a variety of vegetables to use as sex toys. She realizes she needs to clean up her mess…especially the one she made from dumping a prison meal on the floor.

Lorna gets a visit from Vinny, who wants to break up because he can’t handle loving a woman in the joint. Lorna tells him she loves him and proposes with a magazine clipping of an engagement ring. He tears up and accepts, and Lorna finally has the guido man of her dreams. They make out until the guard tells them to knock it off. Flashback! Baby Lorna is receiving her first communion, but she refused to eat the Eucharist because carbs. She tells her parents that the point of communion is her pretty white dress, and she spins around and around thanking Jesus.

Now that Nicky’s gone, I guess I’m settling for your guido ass

Red sees Norma looking sad, and goes to comfort her. She talks about her personal hero, the first Russian woman in space, Valentina Tereshkova. Can you imagine Red as an astronaut? She’d whip the space program into shape so fast. They are distracted when Leanne sees Norma’s visage burned into a piece of toast. It’s a miracle! Or a broken toaster.

The Norma, the Son, and the Holy Gluten

Poussey and company prop Soso’s body up at their lunch table in an effort to keep her awake. They adopt her as one of their own, while Black Cindy continues to work on her conversion. Flashback: Young Watson struggles with her family, who are members of the Nation of Islam. She wants to pursue a college scholarship through running track, but her father finds her team uniform “whorish” (UGH). Watson says that she doesn’t believe Allah is her god, and her father slaps her across the face. Fucking patriarchy, am I right?

Sossey is happening, so get on fucking board!

Daya is back from the hospital, feeling like she just got punched in the vagina. She’s pissed that Aleida went behind her back to keep the baby, but is secretly relieved at the outcome. Aleida promises her that children adapt, and that she would regret it if she didn’t keep her. She calls children the best high that also ruins your life…so, like heroin? Daya begrudgingly thanks Aleida and they seem to have made a connection.

I know I was a terrible mother, but I’m really looking forward to being a barely adequate grandmother

Caputo and Danny meet with Danny’s dad in a fancy country club type place where white dudes drink whiskey and smoke cigars. Caputo makes the case that they are losing money by losing focus on their people, and Mr. Dad brushes it off as a “long-term priority.” Which is bullshit. Danny freaks out, yells at his father, quits his job, and storms out. Nothing sadder than a middle-aged man throwing a tantrum.

Piper is in the library, which now houses a variety of useless donated books. She’s stashing her cell phone there and making payments, when Flaca rolls up. She thanks Piper for giving her a second chance, but Piper is suddenly paranoid that Flaca is trying to horn in on her business. Speaking of paranoid, Alex and Lolly are waiting in the commissary line, where Lolly bonds with Chang over various conspiracy theories. If these two wanna team up and solve mysteries, I am on fucking board.

The real conspiracy is how the fuck they’re gonna remake “Point Break” without me

Zombie Soso drags ass into Healy’s office, but he assumes her appearance is due to her new meds. When he tries to get her to trash Berdie, she drops a truth bomb on him: he sucks at his job and makes her feel terrible. Soso then drops the invisible mic and walks out. YA BURNT.

Stella and Piper are hiding out in the chapel, where Stella has made a bobo tattoo gun and plans to tattoo Piper. Girl, that is how you get hepatitis! Piper wants an infinity symbol, bc LOL she’s basic, but Stella convinces her to agree to a white-ink surprise tattoo. Piper wants a distraction from the pain, but Stella tells her to own it. Stella says she’ll miss her and they kiss. There are so many bad ideas in this scene I can barely keep track.

Do you think you can fit all the lyrics to “Bitch Better Have My Money” on my forearm?

Gloria is overwhelmed with guilt about Sophia and wants to confess to Sister Ingalls. They agree that prison brings out the worst in people, but that it’s never too late to ask for forgiveness. Continuing the vein of faith-based flashbacks, we see Gloria getting an ultrasound while her Tia performs some magic to ensure she’s carrying a boy. It works/they fucked up the original ultrasound. It’s a miracle?

..and that’s what it’s all about

Black Cindy meets with Rabbi Tatelbaum to make her case for conversion. She is joined by the two Jewish inmates who have been helping her. She wants to take the name Tovah, and she gives an impassioned speech about what Judaism means to her. We almost never see this sincere, serious side of Black Cindy, and she tears up when she says that she has finally found her tribe. The rabbi allows her to convert, but tells her she needs a mikvah (aka a spiritual bath) to complete the conversion.

Mazel Tov, Tovah!

We flashback to Baby Cindy at family dinner, sneaking a spoonful of rice. When her father catches her, he rails at her with threats of fire and brimstone. No wonder she was turned off by faith.

Red visits Healy, where they talk about Morello’s upcoming wedding. Red refers to her as “all heart and tits, but no brain,” but nevertheless she wishes them the best. Healy asks Red if he’s bad at his job, and she tells him that their “special” relationship is proof that he can get through to some people. She thanks him for helping her…did I miss that scene? Are they talking about the corn? God I hope this “special relationship” doesn’t get re-visited in Season 4.

Piper shows off her day-glo ink to Cal, which reads “Trust No Bitch.” She is feeling all smug and gangster when Cal comes clean about Neri’s side business of faux panties. He also tells Piper that she may have overshot her thug status, as someone has stolen all her money. Piper is furious and sets about hunting down Flaca.

I’m gonna bring the pain down so hard she’ll WISH it was hell week at Wellesley!

The Normans have returned full force and are now paying homage to Norma’s toast shrine. Poussey has had just about enough of this nonsense, and calls Norma out for letting Leanne turn her into a cult. She also blames Soso’s suicide attempt on her, and says that miracles aren’t real and neither is her power.

Donuts and Tucky are driving in the van, where Donuts is still wondering why he passed out pantless in the laundry room. When he tries to touch Tucky, she pretends to have a seizure and crashes the van.

Speaking of gross things, Caputo and Fig continue their loud fucking. Caputo is wrapped in frustration and self-loathing, and feels ready to quit his job. Fig tells him to put himself first for once, and seize the opportunity for a promotion. She tells him to quit martyring himself and join the dark side.

Whelp, thanks for another disappointing Tuesday night

Gloria sees Flaca in the chapel, where she is praying for her sick mother. Piper storms in yelling at Flaca, and despite their previous differences, Gloria leaps to her prison daughter’s defense. Piper realizes that Flaca didn’t steal the money, and awkwardly apologizes and hopes her mother gets well.

Make sure you tell everyone that Wu-Tang Pipes ain’t nothing to fuck with

NOPE NOPE NOPE

Leanne tells Norma that Angie ate the toast shrine in an effort to absorb her powers (much like the chicken), but Norma is done with Leanne’s bullshit and cuts her off. Leanne is once again shunned by her religion, and bursts into tears.

Tucky and Big Boo celebrate Tucky’s fake seizure and her removal from van duty. Their happiness is short-lived however, when they see that Maritza is going to be the new van driver. Flashback! Baby Big Boo electrocutes herself while microwaving a Hot Pocket. When she is defibrillated back to life, she says that there is no God, but smiles as she realizes that she is in charge of her own fate.

I saw the face of God…and it was Megan Rapinoe!

Piper finally puts it together that Stella is the one who stole her panty money. Trust no bitch indeed, Chapman. Trust no bitch, indeed. Stella gives her a mealy mouthed apology, saying that she panicked at the thought of getting released with no family, friends, or money. Everyone in Pantyland sees that Piper got played, which makes her a target. Looks like she’s not so gangsta after all. Stella promises to make it up to her, but Piper is dunzo.

I don’t make the rules…when you look like Justin Bieber, you act like Justin Bieber.

It’s Morello’s wedding! Vinny wears a red tie and tux, while Morello rocks a toilet paper veil. CO Bell sobs as they recite their vows, and Lorna recites the lyrics to Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is.” Red and Healy make eyes at each other during the ceremony, and Morello and Vinny kiss. I don’t care that she’s Lorna Muchio now, I’m still calling her Morello. Vinny is disappointed that they don’t get to have a conjugal visit, but Bell lets them fuck against the vending machines because she’s a goddamn romantic.

I now pronounce this…a terrible idea!

Red and Healy talk about young love and soul mates, and Healy suggests that when she gets released they could maybe have something. Red shakes her head and tells him that their ships passed too late in the night, and I shake my head and scream at the TV. We flashback to baby Healy, who is banging on church doors praying for someone to help his crazy mother. Just then, a homeless dude who looks like Jesus pukes all over him and passes out on top of him. Sounds about right.

Piper comes to say goodbye to Stella, who thanks her for saving her life. Piper lays a big kiss on her, and watches as the COs show up and search Stella’s bunk for contraband.

Sucking Stella’s soul out like a dementor

And they find everything: the blunt, the Jolly Rancher shiv, the chicken wing… even Big Boo’s screw driver dildo. A shocked Stella gets dragged off to Max while Piper smiles and flashes her tattoo. She tells Big Boo to spread the word that she doesn’t fuck around. Damn, maybe Piper is gangster!

Is this a tiny gay Liz Feldman sword?

Caputo meets with the guards to bring them up to speed: Danny is gone and he’s the new director of human activity/warden. The guards are upset that Caputo has ditched them for the corporate world, and Caputo calls them ungrateful, replaceable pains in his ass. The guards tell him to go fuck himself and walk out on the job.

Meanwhile, Alex is sweeping up the shed when a new guard shows up: the same guy who shot Fahri in the face. He’s come to hurt Alex, and she begs for her life. Will Alex survive season three? Probably, as Laura Prepon has already posted pics of herself on set for Season 4. Unless she gets killed and comes back as a ghost?! Stranger things, y’all.

Xenu, is that you?

Healy returns to his office and finds some Olive Garden leftovers from his estranged wife Katya, and flowers from Red. At the same time, DEA agents bust into Cesar’s crib and arrest him. Considering the amount of heroin in that apartment, it’s safe to say he’s going away for a long time. We see Daya’s baby get scooped up by a cop and taken to Child Services, as Cesar struggles with the cops.

Speaking of stone cold gangsters (LOL no) Piper is alone in the chapel, giving herself an infinity tattoo on her ribs. Someone is finally embracing their pain.

This caprese salad tattoo is gonna be balller

After laying the groundwork all season, we finally see celebrity chef Judy King checking into Litchfield…or at least, trying to. With the guards on strike, there’s no one at the front desk. She bursts into tears as her man comforts her.

Repairmen are fixing the hole in the perimeter fence, leaving a huge chunk of it open. Norma sees this and realizes that no one is guarding the fence, as the guards have all walked out. She starts running in slow motion towards freedom, and the other inmates watch stunned. It’s a Norma miracle!

This looks like the opening of the world’s worst Monistat commercial

The inmates run through the open fence and down to a large lake, which they immediately jump into. It’s a beautifully shot, uplifting sequence as the inmates run into the water and celebrate this taste of freedom. Gerber freaks out while Luschek turns tail and heads back into his office. Black Cindy sees her opportunity for a mikvah and rushes into the lake. Flaca and Maritza splash each other as Suzanne dives in head first. Tucky sits on Big Boo’s shoulders as she plays chicken against Leanne.

Somebody better call FedEx cuz I’m shipping it

Okay now I’m emotional

Maureen gets nipped by a turtle and tosses it to Suzanne, who retrieves it and brings it back to her. It’s adorable, but I hope that turtle is okay. Soso and Poussey float on their backs and hold hands. Is this the beginning of Sossey? Daya reunites with Aleida and they sit together with their toes in the sand. Norma and Red sit beside each other and watch the women frolic in the lake. It is life-affirming and powerful.

Praise Adonai!

While the inmates enjoy their freedom swim, MCC is replacing their beds with bunk beds and bussing in more prisoners. New inmates flood into the prison, bringing with them endless stories for next season.

And on the thirteenth episode, Norma rested. And it was good.

And that’s a wrap on season three, Oranginas! What are your final thoughts on this season? Do you want to see Ruby Rose return or stay in Max? Will we ever see Nicky Nichols again? Tweet me your finale feels @ChelseaProcrast.

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